Post # 1
Hi Hive! I’m hoping you can help a fellow (new) bee out.
I am a Bridesmaid or Best Man in my close friend’s wedding. It is a destination wedding at the end of this summer. She will be having a few wedding showers next month (and I am attending two of them).
I am not helping w/ either of the showers I am attending (I have offered, but was not needed to do anything). I noticed on the invitation for both showers as well as the wedding that the couple has requested monetary gifts.
Do I need to give cash gifts for all three (or even two) of the events I am attending? I already planned on giving them a check at the wedding but didn’t know if I should do the same at either (or both) of the showers. It should be noted that the wedding is already quite expensive (travel and accomodations are already costing me almost $2000, plus I have my Bridesmaid or Best Man expenses). I don’t want to cheap out, I’m just unsure what the protocol is.
Thanks in advance for any insight you can share!
ETA – I am not sure if I posted this topic in the appropriate location. If not, I’d greatly appreciate it if one of the mods can redirect to it’s proper location. Thanks again!
Post # 3
It’s odd ettiquette for you to be invited to multiple showers.
I would be sure to take a card to both, but either split the total amount you would give as a shower gift or only give at one of them.
I’d give a gift at the wedding too.
Post # 4
Here is my (probably unpopular) advice. No. And Aspacia could probably walk circles around my argument but it should never be an expectation that someone’s entry into any bridal event costs a gift or a wad of cash. Showers generally are to shower someone with household items, so I am actually kinda krinkling my nose at the cash event because what is the point of gathering a bunch of women around in a circle to open up envelopes of cash? Ew, I can’t imagine something more awkward.
But that’s not what you asked.
I would get together with the other BMs if you can get a hold of them and try to go in on a couple of items. I don’t think you need one for each shower, in fact you’re probably invited to both out of courtesy more than anything so I wouldn’t think two gifts is what she is after.
Post # 5
@WillyNilly: I’m with you!!
OP, traditional etiquette decrees: guests are NEVER obligated to give a wedding gift. That includes if they attend the wedding. I recognize that’s not customary, but it IS traditional etiquette. And to me, if you have a destination wedding and are requesting your guests to spend in excess of $2K just to watch you get married, then I don’t think it’s appropriate to ask for a gift AT ALL, monetary contributions nonetheless!
I’ve been to three DWs and all for very good friends, and they cost me $3K each–plus vacation time from the job, kenneling for the dog, etc. etc. I was happy to do it because I wanted to support them, but I didn’t think twice about forgoing the gift. And luckily, my friends had the classy good sense to tell all their guests, “Please don’t worry about gifts–YOU are the gift!”
So you can bet I’m on the side that says, screw more check-cutting. If you want to do something nice, consider a group-gift from the BMs along the lines of champagne and strawberries in the hotel room after the celebration.
Post # 6
I totally glazed right over Destination Wedding. Giiiiiiirl, I would say your job is actually DONE by showing up and being a Bridesmaid or Best Man. If you still want to get her a gift so she has something to open, make something or go in with another Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 7
Thank you all for the input! I didn’t know what to do b/c this is the first time I’ve been invited to a shower where the couple DOESN’T have any sort of registry (regardless of my Bridesmaid or Best Man status).
I may or may not give them a physical present. We shall see. The lack of a registry makes it difficult but maybe I can have something made with pics from their engagement.
Post # 8
@WillyNilly: YES I totally agree with this. Two of my BMs are traveling from out of state to be in my wedding, and I absolutely do NOT expect a gift from them, or any of my Bridal Party. I posted about this on another site and got REAMED for saying this–apparently everyone else firmly believed that, no matter what, you OWE the couple gifts at any and every event you’re invited to, especially if you’re in the Bridal Party.
Post # 9
@vorpalette: That’s just silly. Especially for a Destination Wedding…what site was it? I’ll avoid it like the plague…
Post # 10
Actually, I think I read on an etiquette website that you are supposed to split your “gift” over the course of wedding related events. So, let’s say you would usually give $100 as a gift (just picking an easy number). If you *wanted* to give an engagement gift, you might get a $10 bottle of wine. Then, if you want to buy gifts for all 3 showers you attend, you might give 3x $10 gifts from the registry. Then, you might buy a $10 piece of lingerie for the shower. Then, you’d write a $50 check for the wedding. If you attended no events, you’d just write a $100 check at the wedding.
Personally, I’d probably split my gift up into small installments, or give 2 small gifts at the first two showers (let’s say a frame at one and engraved glasses at another), and then my “normal” shower gift at the third. Don’t feel obligated to buy 3 shower gifts in the amount you would normally spend at a shower.