Post # 1
I am having a personal problem that I don’t really feel comfortable talking with to anyone in my life, so I’d really like the help from you bees. I’m 24 and have been with my bf, 30, for 5 years. Long ago I promised myself I’d wait till marriage to have intercourse. We haven’t had intercourse but have done other things (we’re human right?). But I guess it’s starting to creep on my guy. I know I can wait the 2-3 more years till we’re actually married, but I don’t know about him. He wasn’t a virgin when we got together, but has waited for me this whole time.
He says he’ll respect my decision, but would prefer to have sex. My body is telling me do it, but my brain is saying “you waited this long don’t give in!” I’m scared about getting pregnant, I’m very aware of protection and how the whole getting pregnant thing works, but I’m just totally scared of it right now. I also don’t want to do it just to make him happy, I feel like this is something totally for me and I don’t want to just submit to it. Also I’m waiting on a proposal, and I’d hate to be like “we’ll do it if you hurry up on the engagement” as he has been taking his sweet a$$ time.
Please help, this has been plaguing me, any advice is warmly welcome.
Post # 3
I think you should wait until you’re 100% sure that you want to do it, and that you’d be ok with any outcome. For example, don’t start having sex with him if you’d be upset that it would delay marriage or a proposal.
Post # 4
It sounds like you’re planning on doing it to make him happy. Which isn’t the right reason. It sounds like part of you still wants to wait until you’re married, so I would wait. But if you’re completely ok with all of the worst case scenarios (you get pregnant, you break up, you get an STD) and think thats worth it then go ahead. I know I waited until I was 100% sure that if they guy I was with broke up with me right after and I ended up pregnant than I was ready to deal with all of those consequences and wouldnt regret doing it. Losing your vcard is a big deal so make sure you’re really sure you’re ready.
Oh and I didn’t wait for marriage so its not like I think everyone should. I just think that if that is important to you, then more power to you.
Post # 5
I’d say to wait for a ring and a date. Tell your FI that you love him and only want to have sex with one person in your life. When you’re committed, you’ll reconsider waiting until marriage and then stay strong. Sex is amazing and shouldn’t be used to manipulate either way. You are within your bounds to stand your ground and get a timeline before making such a huge life choice.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
@redheadem: I absolutely agree with this. If abstaining is important to you, don’t give in just because you’re worried he’s getting antsy. If he’s been able to wait 5 years already, he should be able to wait however much longer it will take him to propose, especially if it’s something that’s important to you. You should not have to feel pressured in any way to go against something that’s important to you. If you *do* decide you’re okay with it, you need to be 100% sure you won’t regret it, because it’s a big step to take 🙂
Post # 7
Maybe tell him that you want more of a commitment, but not necessarily marriage, before you do it? Not telling him that if you propose you’ll get sex but I can see where you would want a firm commitment from him before taking that step. Boyfriends don’t always turn into husbands so maybe you’ll feel better if you’re at least engaged?
But if you personally want to wait until marriage and are only considering it to make him happy then don’t do it. I’m 100% in favor of sex before marriage but would never think someone should do it if they didn’t want to.
Why do you have to wait 2 – 3 years to get married?
Post # 8
I agree with PPs. You really should wait until you’re 100% ready. (I’m a virgin too, though, so maybe my advice isn’t as creditable as others lol)
Post # 9
I feel pretty conflicted on this issue. On one hand, you need to be true to yourself and your beliefs. Don’t make him wait just because it would be a shame to wait until now “for nothing”. Make him wait because it’s something important to you. It’s a very personal issue and if he loves you, he will respect that.
On the other hand… I feel like sexual compatibility is a very important part of a successful marriage. A bad sex life can put a strain on a good relationship. Personally, I’m a “try it before you buy it” kind of person.
I think that you need to sit down with him and tell him, flat out, how you feel. Tell him that you love that he loves you enough to wait. Tell him that waiting until you are engaged is something you feel very strongly about. Tell him that you expect that a ring is 2-3 years off and that you can wait that long and would love for him to wait with you.
I think you need to give him a chance to say how he feels too though. Ask him if he is alright with that. Ask him how he feels about waiting another 2-3 years. There are 2 people in your relationship and you don’t want him to resent you because he is going along with YOUR decision. You both need to be on the same page and 100% okay with where you are.
Post # 10
This is a toughie, I’m not going to go into how and when I lost my virginity but let’s just say I hadn’t been a virgin for about 12 years before I met my future husband. I think having been there and done that had it’s advantages for me as I am very comfortable with him in bed and I think the experience helps greatly with all sorts of things like confidence issues and closeness with the other person.
If a couple has done other things apart from intercourse, that’s still a sexual act in my opinion and I really don’t understand what difference having protected intercourse will make?
However, I would say that if a girl really doesn’t think she is ready for all that then she shouldnt force herself to have intercourse with him.
Post # 11
Don’t sacrifice something important to you for a mans sex drive.
If he truly respects you it will be 100 %- not just placating you with empty words followed by telling you what he really wants.
Post # 12
@peanutbutter1205: We’re supposedly supposed to get engaged this month, but idk. We’d have to wait 2-3 years to get married because he’s doing his masters for another year and a half, and I’m in process of applying to medical school, so there’s no money and no time really to get married sooner.
@zippylef: That’s a very good point. I don’t want him to resent me at all because of this. I ask to see how he feels but he’s not very expressive, he just says I’d like to have sex but I’ll respect your decision. I guess I need to really get what he feels out of him.
@Irish-bride: Sometimes I do feel like that, like there’s no difference between sexual acts and intercourse, so just get it over with. I think it’s the last step to be completely sexually active so that’s why I want to wait for it, but it could also be that I want to make myself feel better for giving in to the other acts.
So far reading all your posts, I think I am agreeing with those saying I shouldn’t do it just to make him happy. However I do need to find out if he’s going to resent me for it.
I do have confidence issues when we are intimate though. My body isn’t perfect and I’m not very graceful while we “do stuff”. I don’t feel attractive and to mask that I’ll joke around and it kills the mood. Does having sex make you feel more sexy and confident in pleasing your partner?
Post # 13
@Quackadoo: I don’t think that having sex makes me feel sexier than other sexual acts. Have a drink or two before getting it on, so you’re not self-conscious.
Post # 14
@redheadem: I have done that, you’re right that it makes me looser and more relaxed, but I get sleepy and can’t perform to the best of my abilities lol
Post # 15
your partner should definitely make you feel sexy but the confidence is up to you. You need to be comfortable with yourself and your body before you feel uninhibited enough to really enjoy it. If you’re not enjoying it as much as you otherwise would because you’re feeling self conscious than that’s something you need to work on. And most men think confidence is way sexier than feeling bad about your body. I”m sure he thinks you’re hot!
Post # 16
Do whatever that you feel is right for you.