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I'm sorry, I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say this situation you're going through sucks. I guess even though your FI's kids witnessed first hand how your FI's ex abused him, she is still their mother and something in them makes them pity, forgive, and side with her. That's a pretty hard bond to break, and it sucks that it is making things so difficult for you.
I have a 16 year old, his father remarried and I found out he had become a drug attic on meth. I can tell you only from the other side so don’t take offense I am in no way taking HER side just telling you mine from a totally different situation.
I know for sure if his (new wife) were to address my son in any way negative about or towards me he would flip. I have personally called and told her to know her roll that she has no place speaking of me to my son or in a way he could see or find out. We have zero relationship and only know each other circumstantially and if she was going to be around my child she is to speak nothing but nice about me or not at all. By law in custody court these things are stated you are not to speak ill of one another in any form in front of the child. I would take the facebook comment down and address her one on one. If she is enduring abuse on either you or your man then this needs to be an address to an attorney and the stipulations of the divorce is revised. You might want to read the devoice papers and see you options and if she is already breaking some of the agreement stipulations. Acts after divorced with children of any age can and will be used against someone to discredit them as a person able to be around them. She can use this against you if she wants to as trying to manipulate the teens to be against her. I know that sounds extreme but I have been in at least 5 custody battles with my ex and I kid you not everything you do is a matter of discussion, even something as simple as a facebook post. I can tell you much more but this is already a page. Talk to an attorney.
Keep strong and just love the kids and try your best to be the better person (stepping stone I know it’s hard) and eventfully they will see for themselves the truth in everything. Mine did but I tell you it was really hard to suck up the nasty things he did and said about me to my son but in the end it’s worth it.
Honestly if the children are adults, there are very few times you need to be in the same place as her or have any contact with her. Schedule visits when she isn't there. Most importantly focus on your relationship with the kids. Don't talk bad about their mom, it will only put stress on your relationship with them.
More info I left out: The guy I was married to for 18 years I'm pretty sure left me for the girl he is with still. I was clueless to this until my lawyer pointed it out to me. He was so horrible to me I just felt sorry for her. I tried to befriend her and have encouraged my kids to get along with her. Even though she was not even raising her own child and had a questionable past. I just knew it was best for my kids if we all got along. And 6 years later it remains this way..she is okay with my kids for the most part and that is that. I wish my FH's live by these rules.
I've heard horror stories from FH's kids about the things his ex did to him. I understand kids want to side with their mom to some extent. I used to be a foster parent. I guess because I've come to the conclusion that they were raised amidst wild dysfunction I shouldnt' expect too much from them. They admit she is awful and needs help. The crazy thing is she is a therapist. People who send spouses to the ER for stitches should NOT be therapists!
I only left my facebook comment because I knew it would get back to her via her kids who seem to spy for her. And it was left after the divorce was final. I've tried talking to her and getting along. She just yells and calls me names. My fb comment was a boundary being drawn. I came into his life after she cheated and moved out and started divorce proceedings. It's odd. She was the one who talked out of court too to the kids as they were both instructed not to do. She always uses the kids to get to him. Puts them in the middle. His only child still at home is months from being 18 and we had to block her on his phone due the the harrassment....I do not talk badly about their mother. Even though they do. I'm not listening any more when they do. The hard part is I DO have to be around his kids at family functions. And they are either rude or ignore me completely. I feel it would be wrong to never attend things with his family just because of his kids. I do have an okay relationship with his son who has spent more time with me...but that has gotten some rocky too due to his siblings and mom influencing him. So sad.
I just want peace after all these years and happiness with this wonderful man I've found. And they are making this really, really hard. I feel like everything I learned in therapy and standing up for myself is being tested....and he doesn't understand how to stand up yet :(
I want to stay positive and not let this come between us.
Feuds like this really should be kept off facebook. It is terrible that she is being rude to you and mean to her children, but posting something like that on facebook seems passive-aggressive to me. I'm not saying YOU ARE passive-aggressive, but you're an adult and that sounds like something a high-schooler would do. Be the bigger person and take it down, and apologize for airing your differences on a social media site.
@futuremrsfitz18: Feuds like this really should be kept off facebook. It is terrible that she is being rude to you and mean to her children, but posting something like that on facebook seems passive-aggressive to me. I'm not saying YOU ARE passive-aggressive, but you're an adult and that sounds like something a high-schooler would do. Be the bigger person and take it down, and apologize for airing your differences on a social media site
THIS!
Don't air things on facebook. By doing that so they would run back to tell her what you said, it sounds like you are using them as pawns to get back at her. I'm sure you don't mean it that way, but that's how it comes across. In their minds they are the only ones that can say how awful she really is, you are only an outsider. I hope it works out for all of you.
I'd keep this discussion off facebook myself. It's very public airing of a private family matter with the added complications of children who may not fully appreciate the situation but regardless do not want to hear ill of their parents (and certainly not in that open venue). I think people post way too much on facebook in general.
Depending on what you wrote, she could also bring a lawsuit for libel. You may very well win that lawsuit, but it'd be painful to go through.
My post on fb was really not anything to be upset about. I didn't use her name or say mean things. I just basically said I will not put up with threats any more. If I COULD talk to her directly I would. I've tried. I was definitely NOT passive aggressive. I've lived with openly hostile and passive aggressives and could write the book. If I wanted to be passive aggressive I'd just undermine their Dad like they do. Passive aggressives are sneaky and act innocent. I feel I communicated very mildly in the only form left to me in light of how she will NOt talk to me. I guess I fail to see why it is okay for her to harrass us and spread rumors among family yet I have to just take it? Her unfounded threats to call CPS really were the turning point for me.
I'm sure I could make trouble for her over some of the things she has done. I dont' want to go that route. I just want to be left alone by her and be able to get along with their kids. And I don't think saying my facebook post was "high school" is very fair. It was a very mild post and more a statement to remind myself that I don't have to take abuse from anyone. My therapist seemed to think it was fine. And if my statement of no more harrassment on facebook is "high school"...what of her actions towards my FH, her own kids, Me and mine?! I'm pretty confused now.
They all thrive on making trouble and drama to get attention.
And I will never apologize for standing up for myself after all these years of never doing so. How messed up would it be for ME to apologize to HER after she verbally attacked me in the face of my offer of friendship towards her? I've done way too much of that in the past because I had to to be safe.
I'm open to any advice except apologizing to any of them. If you ask me they owe ME an apology yet I'm not demanding one. I just want them to treat their Dad better and not be hostile towards me. I recently invited one of them over for dinner and it was the same snarky comments. I'm at a loss now.
@halolover: I read through all of this and it is a hard situation. All I can say is even thought you don't want to apologize, doing so might be for the better. I know that is not the advice you want, but you don't have to apologize for what was said, rather how they must have misinterpreted it in such a way that it has destroyed your relationship with the kids.
@halolover: I'm open to any advice except apologizing to any of them.
Unfortunately, sometimes to become the "big happy family" that you hoped for in your initial post, you have to be the bigger person and appologize. I wouldn't suggest apologizing to the ex, but I would to the kids regarding posting on facebook. To the ex, I would suggest minimizing all contact. I still think you should keep everything related to this topic entirely off facebook. (Not actually naming her helps, but if people can figure out to whom you are referring, it's a thin veil to hide under.) You're the adult, so act like it. If the kids are rude and disrespectful then call them on the specific behavior when they do it - and you should get dad to support you 110% on this. If it's at a family gathering, other adults can back you up if needed (although really it just needs to be you & dad.) If they ignore you, ignore them back. Even if they are over 18, they are still acting like kids and it sounds like they're trying to get attention and a rise out of you. Don't give it to them, remain calm, and be patient. Be the adult in this situation.
ETA: Two wrongs don't make a right. I'm not saying she's acted correctly in this situation, but you can only change yourself, not others.
I think you seriously need to drop your concern with this woman. Personally if my step mom ever did what you did I would not be happy (and I LOVE my stepmom). I don't think you should facebook about this situation, talk to her, or talk about her. THere is really no reason for you to have any relationship with her beyond graduations, weddings, etc. The more you drag this all out the less the kids are going to want anything to do with you. She is their mom and will always be, and trying to play these games, you will lose everytime.
As far as your FI 's relationship with them, he needs to work on that seperate from your relationship with them. That is the most important thing. Let them know you love them and want to be involved in their lives, but give them space.
And I held my tongue for months while their mom harrassed us. And trust me...my comment was nothing to take offense at. They just like to create trouble. I'm not participating any more in that dynamic than I have to.
But I don't want my FH to feel bad. He wants us all to get along. But to me that does not mean letting their mom treat me badly. One daughter even told me that is what I have to do....because that is just "how their mom is"....and I'm thinking them too.
I haven't posted anything else of this nature on facebook since. If it had involved the kids themselves I'd have talked to them directly. One of his daughters was recently fired for getting involved with a customer conflict that didn't involve her...and being beligerent. The same one who told me to "just take it". And I would have much rather have been able to have a civil conversation with their mother....
The outcome to all this would have been the same even if I'd have told them directly I was tired of their Mom's harrassment. I didn't do that because I didn't want to involve them. They chose to become involved....
I agree....she has no part in our lives now. Blocking her calls/texts really helped. I've been the bigger person with the exception of my fb post. We all have moments when we say "enough". And his kids and I didn't have mutual friends and it was a general statement that I can't in any way be truly apologetic for. If it hurts them that I stood up for myself that is just too bad. It hurt ME when their mom called me names in front of my children. Guess the hurt she did to my much younger kids is less important than my boundary I sort of set on fb?!
I think your FH's kids were right to ask you not to comment publicly on their mother...especially if you're FB-friends with them. It seems disrepectful to them--people you seem to care about--even if their mother is a crazy horrible person, it is their mother and they don't want to have that kind of dirty laundry out for the world to see. Whether or not you said something 'appropriate' to the situation doesn't matter--there was a 6-month period when I didn't talk to my sister and was furious at her but if anyone else said a bad word about her (even in regards to what she did to me) I would have been upset as well. The point is, if you want to have a good relationship with your FH then you're going to have to accept his children and the fact that they love their mother despite her many flaws. You say you won't apologize--but will you at least concede that from their point of view the FB post was at the least upsetting to them and they have the right to feel hurt that you would not consider whether or not their feelings would be hurt by seeing that? And of course they're going to say you just have to put up with it--that is what they have had to do for years! Because they don't want to lose their relationship with their mother!!! You may not agree with it, but come on....and now you're online smack-talking your FH's kids....seriously, right or wrong, you need to make up with them, because in the end your FH will (and should) prioritize his relationship with his children over his relationship with you.
@halolover: from your experience you should definately know you can't reason with someone like that. She's abusive and irrational. She is looking to get under your skin and has succeeded.
I know its hard to ignore the crazy actions of an insane person, but feeding into it only adds fuel to the fire. She is using your reaction to get her kids against you.
Don't give the kids a reason to dislike you. By saying something about their mom, you are just giving them something to grab on to.Don't take the bait she sets out. Your FH's relationship with his kids will always be different from yours. You each need to work on your own relationships seperately before you can work on them together to become that happy family unit.
The kids grew up in an unstable household. Unfortunately that will most likely play a role in how they react to this whole fight betweeen the mom and you and your FH. Do your best to not feed in to it. Her behavior will never change.
Really? He needs to put his ADULT kids as a priority in front of our relationship? That is exactly the opposite of the advice I've gotten from my therapist. And saw in my own parents 59 year, happy marriage.
If that is the case....I don't want him perhaps. He has been good about all of this so far. He too is upset at how they treat HIM. This isn't just about me. They got upset at me but I'm frankly non too happy with them either.
And I fail to see how I'm talking "smack" about them. I liked them before they too chose to disrespect me at all family gatherings. My own Mom can be nasty sometimes....I know this...and when I hear it from others I understand and don't feel the need to defend her. She is good at that all on her own. I love her but don't condone her rudeness.
If we all condone bad behavior we are just earning more of it. We teach others how to treat us.
Really? He needs to put his ADULT kids as a priority in front of our relationship? That is exactly the opposite of the advice I've gotten from my therapist. And saw in my own parents 59 year, happy marriage.
If he always put his kids first that wouldn't be healthy. It's a balance. Lets not forget these are adults save the 17 year old. He sees how they are acting. He has been good about all of this so far. He too is upset at how they treat HIM. This isn't just about me. They got upset at me but I'm frankly none too happy with how they chose to handle being upset at me.
And I fail to see how I'm talking "smack" about them. I liked them before they too chose to disrespect me at all family gatherings. My own Mom can be nasty sometimes....I know this...and when I hear it from others I understand and don't feel the need to defend her. She is good at that all on her own. I love her but don't condone her rudeness.
If we all condone bad behavior we are just earning more of it. We teach others how to treat us.
@halolover: When you edit your comments it is helpful to posters to put ETA: at the bottom instead of editing your entire post
It seems like everyone is giving you the same advice- ignore this woman, don't say ANYTHING about the situation on FB, don't make any comments about her to her kids, and perhaps think about apologizing to the kids (not to the ex) for the misperceptions in the past. However, it doesn't seem like you like any of this advice, so I have to wonder what advice you were hoping to get? (And I mean that in a totally sincere way.)
It seems like you are really intent on responding to the ex and making her kids realize how wrong they have been in their treatment of you and your FH. I think we all acknowledge that the ex seems crazy, mean, rude, abusive, etc, etc. Rising above her behavior and ignoring her does not mean you are a pushover, it mean you are sane for choosing not to engage the crazy lady. Similarly, it would take a lot of strength to apologize to the children for perceived mistakes from the past. This would be the opposite of a pushover. If you implement all of these things and the children are still rude to you, than I think it would be totally reasonable to limit your contact with them, also. You may not be a big happy family, but you may get some more peace for yourself and your relationship with your FH.
It's a tough situation to be in. Good luck!
I was hoping someone who has been in this same situation could offer some advice. It's not that I'm not open to opinions of others. But I can probably offer better advice to foster parents because I've fostered than someone who never has.
And I don't respond in ANY way to his ex. Never did. I tried a few times to talk to her directly. I don't expect nor want an apology from them. Better treatment for him and US...yeah.
And if I lie and apologize when I'm not sorry it will just lead them to believe I am a pushover. I've apologized LOTS to people just to get past things. But I know backing down to bullies never works. He did explain to them just how much their mom was harrassing us and why I wrote that after a particularly bad night of her texting. They seemed to understand but they still are rude. Yet they seem to now be accepting they guy their mom cheated with...whom they hated a few months ago. And no..I didn't bad mouth him either.
I am not trying to be rude but I think unless you have been in this situation that you maybe just can't understand. I didn't make things hard for my kid's step mom. Just the opposite.
I'm baffled. Would you all apologize to kids who tell you you just have to take whatever their mom dishes you? Not me. Sorry. Not trying to offend anyone.
I want things to be better. I truly do. But I know if I just cave in over and over(and I already have)....it will just get worse. They are using manipulation and threats now just like they learned from her. They won't have a good relationship with their Dad because he couldn't get me to just take it.....and his therapy is showing him he doesn't have to.
@halolover: Well, if you feel like you have made enough of an effort to accommodate his children, and they are still being rude to you, maybe the next step is to formulate a plan with your FH regarding how he will respond to them in the future when they are rude (because he should be the one to deal with them). Try to avoid interacting with them as much as possible, ignore them/walk away when they are being rude, and let your FH be the one to tell them that such behavior is not acceptable.
I'm not saying that the FB post was talking smack about them, I'm saying that some of the very heated ways you're describing his children right now suggest to me that this is not a case of evil stepchildren going after you--its a case of a bunch of really heated, really upset people who all refuse to defuse the situation. I'm also not saying he should let his kids dictate his relationship with you--but yes, he will (and should) always love his kids and want to have a relationship with them unless they are becoming abusive to you. And from the sounds of it, this is not a one-way issue where the kids are treating you in a way that you can't give as good as you get. Maybe you are just venting here so that you don't explode on them in real life. In that case, good, I hope you can work out the frustration here and then take a step back and take a more productive approach to the issue when you go offline. I don't think you need to apologize to the children, just try to understand how they could have viewed that post--both as a reflection on their relationship to their mom, and on their relationship to you (which was good before, so it seems like they were more hurt by that post then you seem to be willing to acknowledge). Your FH needs to step in and tell them what is and what is not acceptable ways to act with you, but you also need to realize that this is a minefield of complications relations for them and try to be the bigger person and see how much more complex this is for them. People tend to push harder away the 'good' parent sometimes because that is the stable parent--if their mom is as crazy as you say, then they are probably rightfully worried about losing the relationship with her and so they may do things that from the outside seem insane to defend her. But that is still their mom. Just agree not to talk about her on facebook (you can still talk about her to your FH, to your family to your friends....just not in places where the kids can see it, I don't think that is a terrible desire on their part).
Not talking back is not "caving in" or a failure to "stand-up" for yourself. It's a dignified and adult way of handling a complex situation with intense emotions involving kids & a potentially unstable woman. They may be over 18, but they are still kids.
You say you want peace and happiness, well, it's not always (or often) achieved through confrontation. My first reaction is usually to spout off in reaction too, but I've learned to clamp down on that response and avoid saying things I can't take back in the heat of the moment.
That is just it. I'm NOT good at giving as good as I get. This whole standing up for myself is new to me and hard to do. My first inclination is to always back down...try to change myself. Then I kick myself later for what I "should have" said or done. I have yet to have words with them...they do all their talking behind my back to their Dad, my FH. And I did not put the fb post to hurt them. That was my last intention. And I thought they understood after FH explained to them what my post meant....we hadn't told them of the harrassment but when they got upset over it he did. They stayed mad. I overlooked their rude emails to me. Kept being nice to them. I kept attending functions they were at and they kept being rude. FH mostly ignores their snide comments and bad manners towards me. My future father in law notices though as does my future sister in law. Even after all this I invited the one who caused the most trouble to our home. That visit proved she was not going to accept me.
And I didn't consider myself a kid at the age of nearly 27 so I'm not really feeling like making allowance just due to age. The youngest one I spend the most time with says he loves me. I've had more opportunity to be with him. I wish they'd all get to know me better and stop being so influenced.
And I don't ever call her crazy except to my FH...who says it himself. I do consider her BEHAVIOR crazy. She has stopped being such a concern. She tries her crap but her only power is over her kids.
Of course I'm not saying he should not have a relationship with his kids. But right now me having much of one withe them is proving hard. I want harmony but not at the price of being embarrassed by them at functions and feeling like I'm not wanted. His therapist has told him he needs to be able to stand up for himself and stop letting his kids run his life. Make himself happy. He is just very passive. Wonderful, kind, smart man but passive.
I think how strongly my post came off gave you all the idea that we have HAD confrontations with them...or I have. I have not. The only confrontation has been with their mom....her yelling at me. Me standing there stunned and then walking away and kicking myself for taking it. If being adult means biting your tongue and taking it I've done that. But it sure doesn't FEEL good. I have NOT spouted off in reaction yet. I'm really good at not saying things I later regret. I've lived with the results of that forever from others. Once it is out it is out.
@bearlove: Thanks for seeming to understand. Again, there have been NO heated exchanges between the kids and I...they just complain to my FH. I wish they would just talk to me about it. And stop being rude to me. I do try to look at it from their point of view. I guess where I get stuck with that is I can see things in my own kids and my own sometimes difficult Mother; so it is hard for me to understand his kids defending their mom's bad behavior. I love my kids but hate their horrible tempers that reminds me of their Dad. I won't defend it or say it is okay. So I struggle to understand why knowing all these things about their mom they expect others to "take it". It isn't just me. Her own sisters have been thru it with her. One offered me very kind words and told me to "hang in there"...that meant the world to me. And THIS and to one chat friend is the only place I've really talked about any of this.....I thought I was safe to vent here and maybe get some advice. Because so far I've been pretty passive as has my ex with all this. I don't FEEL passive but I've been passive...lol.
@paperumbrella: Thanks. That has been what I've been doing. Walking away and feeling bad later. Acting like I don't notice. Letting FH deal with it. He has told them he'd like them to respect our relationship. Things have not gotten better since then though. If I thought keeping trying would work I'd keep trying but I think you are right. It isn't getting me anywhere. I won't be having any more cozy lets be family dinners for them. At functions where we have to interact I will as always be civil but have a plan with FH....like leaving. Maybe when time has passed or they are again at odds with their Mom(because it cycles)....maybe then they will soften and come round......
@halolover: That sounds like the best plan for the time being, then. Maybe with time, his kids will realize that they don't have to "choose sides"- they can have a loving relationship with you without betraying their mom. It may take some time, and it may never happen at all (especially since their mom seems so crazy and manipulative), but at least in the meantime you will have more peace for you and your FH. I really do wish you the best; that is a tough situation. :)
ABOVE POST IS VIRUS, NO ONE CLICK ON IT!
Yoaglo, you have been flagged, on this and other posts.
I feel like you're overcompensating in this situation due to your abusive past and not wanting to be walked all over again. I understand that mentality and your therapy ideas, however, I don't think they're applicable to your step kids and your husband's ex wife. If my father's future wife publicly said a cross word about my mother or a situation involving my mother, regardless of any history, I would be furious. And I wouldn't expect my father to disregard my feelings about it just because I am an adult and not a minor... I'm unwilling to relinquish a position of importance in my fathers life no matter who he marries. It sounds like they vented to you about their mother and you internalized it and are taking up that torch yourself while they have moved back to having a relationship with her (which youencouraged). You don't have to "just take it", but you don't have to be public with your rebuttals and you don't have to show her kids that you dislike her. That's the only way to have your big happy family, IMO - never be negative about the ex where the kids can see, regardless of their age.
@kay01: I agree with you too.
Again: Thanks so much to those of you who actually took the time to read my posts.
And to those who seem to have missed it: I did NOT ever have words with FH's kids about their mom. I have NOT badmouthed her. I listened to them and encouraged them to stop ostrasizing her. THAT makes me a bad guy? I'm lost. Nor have I ever asked FH to "relinquish a position of importance" as stated above in his kid's lives. Wow, I just don't know how that was the picture you got from my post.
And I did in fact ask my therapist about my facebook post to make sure I was not overcompensating due to my past. And also a friend who also holds a pyschology degree. He said my post was mild and that I need to just stop going around people who pretend I am not there.....
This will all work out. Love prevails and I've overcome much worse. I know my FH is getting tired of their behavior. So I will just let him deal with it.
Thanks All :)
@halolover: Are the kids able to see your Facebook post? Cause that's what I was referring to, as it was public and I'd consider that badmouthing my mother if I ran across it.
As for the "position of importance", I was referencing when you said "Really? He needs to put his ADULT kids as a priority in front of our relationship?". No, it doesn't have to be "in front of your relationship" per se, but I hate when stepmothers believe their relationship comes first. Ideally, everyone should get importance because you're joining a family, not just a man.
I hold a degree in psychology too, for what it's worth. Hope this situation gets better :)
I just had a great visit from my Mom who just stopped over. I shared with her how badly I feel about all this that has gone on with FH's kids. She reminded me that she'd told me months ago to just stop going around them if they are just going to be rude and ignore me...or make snarky comments. She said she'd have never put up with it, but that I'd always had the tendency to let people get away with this.
I think one area I have overcompensated is because my parents always had the attitude of one strike you are out when it comes to neighbors and friends. I always hated that and went too far the other way.....taking more than I should from people. Which is why I kept letting his kids be rude to me. After a while you have to say enough is enough.
I'm pretty okay with how things are now. It did help greatly to get everyone's input. I'm going to focus on the good going on and avoid bad situations. When his kids decide to come around I'll be nice but I am hoping I've also sent the message that everyone deserves respect. I've done lots of dating without issues with step kids before. Different kids and background I guess.
Thanks Everyone. If anything changes greatly I'll update.
Well, I said I'd update. It seems my FH is now seeing some of that which I've been seeing. One of his girls called to ask him over for dinner to celebrate her boyfriend's birthday. The only problem is that she told him her mom would be there with the guy she cheated on and left my FH for. He said he wouldn't do that. I know him so I know he did it kindly. His daughter went OFF on him. He didn't tell me any of this because he wants me to like her and this doesn't make her look good at all. He is so hurt at the things she said to him. He said it is obvious his ex is telling them lies and personal things that happened in their marriage. SHE was the physical and emotional abuser so it is sort of funny the lengths she will go to.
I am so sad that he is hurting due to the awful things she said to him but at least now he is setting better boundaries. He deserves to be treated respectfully by his kids. And it certainly validated some of the stuff he has been willing to "overlook"...he is not doing so now. I hope things smooth out but I also hope he doesn't let her chew him out anymore or place the blame on him for the years of abuse took and her eventual infidelity. What crap.
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| Bunny82 | 1 |
My fiance and I are supposed to be married soon. He is one of the best men I've ever met. He and I both survived pretty abusive marriages. I essentially married the same man twice...dysfunction wise. One marriage lasted 18 years and he walked out out of the blue. My second marriage was way worse. I'm sure he was a sociopath and he went to jail for what he did(and he'd hidden his prison past). After LOTS of therapy and working out why I put up with all that I now feel I've found a wonderful man. He was also left by his abusive ex...who also cheated on him. His kids actually outted her to him.
We met way after they'd been separated and she was still with the man she cheated with and their divorce was in the works. He was in therapy to recover from all this. He has physical scars as well as mental. I understand where he comes from because I've been there myself. We really appreciate how we treat each other and don't take kindness for granted considering our pasts.
At first his kids...all adults( except the 17 year old she pretty much left him to raise when he was 16) loved me and were so happy for him. We got lots of "we've never seen him so happy" and such. And they were still very angry at their Mom. I encouraged them to have a relationship with their Mom but set boundaries. It then started to get very ugly with their mom....she harrassed us and went crazy in front of my kids one time. Said horrible things to and about me in front of her son and both my kids. There was lots of drama ongoing with her that we did our best to ignore. His kids eventually made up with their mom and that is when things started going badly.
His kids got upset when I finally had enough of their mom making threats to call CPS and messing with my ex's head. I posted a simple post on MY facebook wall saying I would not be putting up with any more abuse from her or threats. They DEMANDED I take it down. I did not. I refused to be censored. Things have been awful with them since then. They ignore me or are flat out RUDE. We went to the hospital to see his first grandbaby. Big scene where his ex came over to us and went crazy. All his kids sided with her. One of them then confronted ME saying I have to just take it?! After all the therapy I've been through and learning to set boundaries I refuse to be bullied and threatened.
My question is this: I love my fiance and wanted us to be one big, happy family but his kids(who are now controlled by his ex) won't allow this. And I do not want to go to things where I'm treated badly or ignored. He tries to stand up for me but it is so hard for him. He is still working on why he allowed himself to be treated this way for 24 years with her. How do I make this all work? I want him to be happy but I want to be happy too....Ideas?
And on a side note. My kids LOVE him and they were a hard sell because of the not so nice guys in my past. It took a while but they love him so much. I want that with his kids but at this point I really don't think I can ever feel that way about them. I'm pretty mad/hurt for him about how they treat him like a wallet and only call when they need something. And they refuse to be nice at all to me since all this upset them....