Post # 1
So I am looking for advice on living with your future husband. The fiancé and I are not living together, we are in the process of looking for a home right now. People have told me that when you live with your guy you need to pick your battles on certain things. Can anyone give their absolute best advice for learning to live with a guy?
I have another issue I need advise on. I know I am not alone on this but I just don’t know who to ask. My fiancé is a big saver which is great and wonderful. I save as well, but not as much as him. He hardly ever buys clothes, his job requires him to wear a dress suit with a white shirt and tie. He has a few suits and shirts that he alternates but he doesn’t need a lot. I, on the other hand, am a typical woman who likes to get a few new items to add to my wardrobe every season. I don’t buy myself an ENTIRE brand new wardrobe, just a few pieces. He freaks out when I buy clothes, because he thinks I have too many and he thinks I might be spending too much. I explain to him that I need clothes for work (All 4 seasons of clothing), clothes for weekends, clothes for the gym, etc. I shop at Marshall’s, Target or TJ Maxx. I don’t purchase things that are overpriced.
So I am looking for advice from other women who have men that think they spend too much on clothing and how they handle it. If I want to buy myself a pair of boots, (which I just did, $35 at TargetJ) I don’t want to have to explain about why I spent it. I am not a complete airhead when it comes to money, I do having savings, I just need help defending myself. Advice from more experienced women would be a big help!
Post # 3
Re: shopping– this is something you REALLY need to work out before you get married. Disagreements on finances are a big stressor. I think you should sit down together and talk about common goals for saving and where you want your money to go, then agree on a set amount per month that each of you has for “fun money” to be spent however you want without question. For you it’ll probably be clothes. For him it might be video games or electronics or he might choose not to spend it at all. But having an agreement about it before will keep there from being little arguments every time you buy a $30 pair of pants.
Re: living together- I think a lot of it is trial and error… but its most important to remember that it is your house TOGETHER, so both opinions count. There are some little things my FI does that bugs me, but its just not worth it to mention ya know? Like how he always spills his tea and coffee on the counter so EVERY morning it is sticky. It is easier to just wipe it up than bring it up. But bigger stuff like agreeing on who is going do what in terms of chores is way more important to agree on.
Post # 4
Well on the money issue, I think it is about him respecting your right to spend money that you contribute to. He may not spend a lot on clothes, but i’m sure he spends money other places. I think it’s about communication, and you could specifically have a conversation where you tell him your fears about the spending, and about his possible judgement. Perhaps if you have a savings goal in mind, you could set a budget, or roll over spending money into separate accounts individually so you can buy clothes from that without having to explain anything?
As far as living with a guy goes, that was a really easy transition for us. My husband is pretty clean and didn’t have a lot of “man” crap around the house. I didn’t feel like I was moving into a man cave. Since I was just graduated from grad school and had no good furniture to speak of, it was actually really great to move in with him and have the beautiful sectional couch, huge flat screen, awesome platform bed, etc etc. If you have lots of issues with chores or cleanliness, the best advice I can give is COMMUNICATE! Let him know how you feel, and open the doors to compromise. Everything will be ok as long as you guys can talk (and laugh) about what is happening 🙂
Post # 5
I just pick my battles like you said. However some things I will defiantely say something about and if it pisses me off enough i’ll put a post it up lol. Like leaving the toilet seat up…. that got a post it which said “put me down” they get the picture without you actually having to say something, and sometimes for my guy a visual reminder like that works better than me saying something.
As to your wardrobe issue. I don’t know if this would be an option for you but FI and I have seperate closets lol. Mine is in the master and his is in the spare room. He thinks I go shopping to much as well and thinks i’m a shoe addict, so as horrible as this sounds I just sneak in my new stuff lol! I know it sounds horrible but honestly I think he spends wayyy to much on coffee and eating out during the week! I can’t really stop that so w.e. When FI asks me if something is new when I’m wearing i’ll just be like ohhh I picked it up a little bit ago it’s cute though right. They get over it! As long as you can pay your bills, keep a little in savings, and still have enough to do things shopping every now and then isn’t a big deal!
Post # 6
Learning to live with a guy, especially your future husband, isnt something that will come easy at first! You will go through trial and error with things and figure out what works best for the two of you. One person’s advice may not work the same way for you. My biggest suggestion would be to choose your battles wisely, try not to sweat the small stuff, compromise and make sacrifices, speak to each other kindly, learn that your man isnt perfect as a roommate but neither are you, give each other space when needed and just enjoy each other’s company!
Post # 7
Thanks everyone. We do have a plan for our savings. My money is automaticly transferred to my savings every week. His money will go toward the downpayment on a house and mine will go toward parts of the wedding (photographer, flowers, misc.) and my savings will also be used to furnish our home. So we are on point with savings.
My guy never hangs his wet towel after he uses it, it drives me nuts but he just doesn’t get that it will smell if he leaves it crinkled up on the counter. I’ve learned to just throw it in the hamper and let it slide.
Post # 8
I’d say if the wet towel thing is his worst bad habit, he’s a keeper!
I agree, money is a big source of trouble & divorce so it’s crucial to work that through.
My FH’s worst habit it putting crap on my kitchen counter. Everything ends up there. The stuff actually multiplies when you aren’t looking, I swear.
Post # 9
re money: You could always keep your finances separate, then he wouldn’t have to worry about it at all — or conversely, you could both agree to put a certain percentage of your personal earnings towards a joint savings that is not to be touched by either of you except when making big purchases, like a house, or a car you will share etc. The remaining earnings could then be divided between bills etc, then what you are left with is yours to spend as you wish.
I agree that the shopping issue is something you guys need to hash out before you get married & before you move in. You might find it interesting to ask him what he would consider an ‘appropriate’ amount of money/ items to be bought per month or per year and go from there as to what your idea of ‘appropriate’ amount would be.
Does he have any spending habits (outside of clothes) that could be considered ‘wasteful’? I’m not trying to say start a fight, but if he say for example goes out and buys two 10$ dvds every day that adds up — and really how many movies do you need? (my partner used to do this and it can be terribly frustrating).
Just take a good look at BOTH of your spending habits, try and work out a budget, set savings goals & etc, and hopefully you will be able to work something out amiably.
As for general all around advice, be patient. And then be MORE patient. Often it is a learning experience for them as well, especially if they have only ever lived with other men, or the only women they lived with were their mothers or sisters. A lot of men just don’t understand the dynamic as much as it can be confusing for women as well.
One thing that really works for my partner & I are having ‘house rules’ now it may sound childish, but it really helps provide guidelines and boundaries. One of the big ones is that we share the work, cooking, dishes, laundry, cleaning the bathroom– it always alternates so that one person isn’t left holding the bag feeling like they are the only one ‘working’ around the house. Another one for us is putting things away & not randomly leaving things everywhere — for me I have a bad habit of leaving tea cups & books around randomly, for my partner it’s dirty socks and the things that come out of their pockets after work.
Post # 10
I’ve been living with my guy for almost 3 years now. The #1 thing I’ve learned is that “picking your battles” doesn’t always necessarily work. I would completely recommend dropping an argument if it’s not really that important to you, but that doesn’t mean that once you do put up a stink about something that he will immediately say “hunny, thanks for not picking that battle with me last tuesday, I’ll let you have this one, and I’ll start putting the toilet seat down”. Guys just don’t think that way. If something really bothers me I’ve learned that I need to keep thinking about new ways to approach my guy about it. If yelling doesn’t work, try joking. If joking doesn’t work try giving him a dose of his own medecine, and on and on until either he gets the point or you get over it.
As far as the shopping issue. I’d really recommend sitting down and doing a budget together. You probably spend close to the same amount of money, just on different things. Looking at it in black and white really helps, and even if you do spend more, showing your hubby that you are keeping within your budget and spending reasonably should get him to back off a bit.
Post # 11
My only advice is to be prepared that any “little” relationship disagreements/issues you might have now will likely just be magnified when you move in together.. like maybe now, you’ll disagree about something over the phone, then say “goodnight!” and go to bed in separate residences.. when you live together, no more running away or avoiding tough conversations. It’s a transition but you’ll be fine!
Post # 12
As far as clothing and spending – maybe work out a budget of what you’ve been used to spending and what you expect now that you’ll be married, saving, wedding etc. I know you like many like to shop a lot but what about donating old clothes when buying new ones? That way you won’t accumulate too much “stuff” and it keeps you on top of all the stuff you may not need! Having to explain yourself after all the clothing purchases will be impossible to a guy – they don’t realize there are 4 seasons of clothing! Which, if you think about it isn’t really necessary. I mean we live in a very material world and I’m sure you can get a grip on what’s more important to the marriage – new boots or a downpayment or savings for kids!
Post # 13
Thank you everyone for your help.
I think we are going to have a little talk about how much money we should be contributing a month to our savings. We’ll figure out a goal amount and as long as it is being met, I should be able to purchase what I want with what is left over.
One little thing I forgot to mention, I’m bargain hunter and I never buy anything if it isn’t on sale. However, when my fiancé does have to buy new clothes, he goes to the expensive stores that hardly ever have sales. He also likes to buy electronics and such.
When I first met him, he was wearing Calvin Klein boxers that were $25 for 1 only at Macy’s. I put a stop to that quickly and introduced him to Marshall’s J
Post # 14
The FI and I are still looking for a place to live.
If you have any more advise for living with a man, post it!