(Closed) advice on MIL who forces food on me

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How should I handle this?
    let her put food on my plate, and don't eat it : (26 votes)
    43 %
    tell her i'm on a diet... : (0 votes)
    don't let her put anything on my plate, and be direct with her : (34 votes)
    56 %
    other : (1 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    531 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this.  Your mil obviously has some sort of eating disorder at st the very least an obsession w food and weight.  I think she’s forcing food on you that she wants to eat , but won’t allow herself to indulge herself.  Does she have any daughters? If so, does she this similar things to them?  

    If you have a good relationship w her otherwise, I would suggest you nicely ask if you could talk to her in private (I would wait until it happens again then ask) and simply tell her that her constant  analysis of your meals and food intake is making you sick, that you love her and eat her overly large portions bc you don’t want to offend but that it just has to stop.  Remind her that you are an adult and can decide what you should eat , that the large portions are causing you to feel sick and that you’ve gained weight.  if you say all of this and she gives you an attitude or is rude then it’s obviously her disordered thought process so just DON’T eat anything other than what you’d portion for yourself.  

    i do know what your going through, least to an extent.  I’ve had issues w food over the years , my mom and grandmom would always try pushing food on me, analyzing my meal , making comments (not mean genuine concern ) but it made me so angry.  My mom doesn’t say too much anymore but my mil and sil have taken the job and boy they know how to do it!  At Easter , sil made a huge scene (I haven’t even uttered a word ) about how I only ate certain thing. (Talking about me to her friend who I’ve never met!) about how I don’t eat this  , that ( mind you she was totally wrong she doesn’t know me at all) I just sat there not saying a word while mil and sil berated me for 20 min.  Ridiculous! I was dying to say something like ‘I don’t take diet or nutrition criticism from people  who are obese  so your wasting your breath’ but then I’d be the brat

     

    Post # 5
    Member
    2381 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Firstly, I’d stop eating to the point where it’s causing weight gain.  That’s just ridiculous.  Eat what you’re comfortable eating, and when she keeps pushing, ask her if you could wrap some up to take home.  Something to the effect of “It’s SO delicious, but I couldn’t eat another bite right now!  If it’s ok with you, I’d love to take some home for tomorrow though.”  When you get home, just toss it in the trash.  Some things aren’t worth fighting over.

    Post # 7
    Member
    4375 posts
    Honey bee

    Can you serve her a piece whenever she serves you a piece?

    (Smile when you do it and be really enthusiastic. Maybe she’ll get the point.)

    Post # 8
    Member
    4529 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @temporary:  I would probably not take too kindly to this, and after nicely refusing as long as you have, I might not be so friendly the next time. Something to the effect of “Listen, I appreciate your concern over my eating, but Im ___ years old and have been feeding *myself* the whole time unassisted, so I think I have this under control.”

    Post # 9
    Member
    1252 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @temporary:  I feel ya! My husband’s grandmother is the same way. She always comments how I need to eat more of her cooking and just eat more in general. I however eat small portions but 6-7 times a day, so when she puts food on my plate, it’s HUGE! I can take 3 bites and ill be full, but she insists on me eating all of it. I tried telling her myself, but after a while I got so tired of the same old thing, I just ignore it now. She says I need to  eat more, I answer I will. She says why haven’t you finished your meal, and I am like I’m done thank you, it was delicious. So basically I just ignore her comments. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    2381 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @temporary:  The only thing I can say then is to just keep politely declining, and make sure you compliment the food while you decline.  It’s not healthy anyway to forcibly gorge yourself, and it’s not making her happy even when you do.  If she’s going to be unhappy regardless, you might as well be comfortable.  It feels like she’s trying (intentionally or otherwise) to sabotage you and make you gain weight.  Can you take her out for dinner or have it at your house instead? 

    Post # 11
    Member
    405 posts
    Helper bee

    I would just keep eating the amount you want, and not eating the etra she feeds you. Say often how nice the food is, how sad you are that you’re so full, damn your timy stomach etc. graciously take her leftovers and bin them, but be sure not to tell her that and maybe even ask if you can take food home with you as it’s so nice, but you’re so full?

    Could she be feeling insecure? It sounds to me like she might be intimidated by you, you’re younger, also slim. Maybe she was used to being the skinny attractive one and you’ve taken her place… There’s no way it’s normal for someone to force feed you like that, it’s crazy.

    Post # 12
    Member
    3596 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2000

    @temporary:  I’m sorry to hear this, this situation is ridiculous.

     

    Do you think that an objective outsider would see her actions as you see them? If so, then she is cearly over the top (and actually, your analysis makes it sound that way as well.) I suspect that she IS badgering you but it may not be terrifically obvious to others because they aren’t in the MIL/DIL dynamic.

    She needs to stop, but you can’t control her behavior and sounds like you are doing a good job with your actions so far. So it’s just more of you repeating “no, but thank you” and turn you attention away from her after saying it. She can pile all the food in the world on your plate, you can’t control her actions, you can only control yours.

    At some point as this continues someone else (her husaband? another family member) will notice the ridiculous excess and will mention it to her. That may or may not stop it.

    If she starts this with your children if you will be having kids, that would be a real problem. And she is likely to do that. Alert FI to this problem, but this one is best to be handled by you yourself, you’ll earn more respect from her for it. But when the grandchildren are invovled, your DH will need to step in to protect his children.

     

     

     

     

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    1878 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @temporary:  I’d just tell her no, no more, no thank you, etc. firmly and politely over and over until she gets it, but that might be easy for me to say because I am not one to let othes tell me what to do about things like this is general.  To me this is absurd of her- no one controls what you eat except you, period.  She needs to back off.

     

    Post # 16
    Member
    188 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I’m sorry. I know all about the cultural aspect of this! My own family does something similar to me, though they do eat themselves as well. It has pushed me into having a very weird relationship with food, borderline eating disorder. Anyway, I don’t know that you can do anything to stop her honestly. I have not been able to stop my own family from doing this. Doesn’t your husband stick up for you? Like saying “MOM! Leave her be. She is not hungry right now!”

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