Advice on our troubled teenage neighbor… Long! : (

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You gavce an inch and he took a mile. Kudos to you for helping him. I would get authorities involved next shoting incident and watch your pup extra carefully. I’m sorry not to be much help but I would not tolerate misuse of firearms for an instant. And for the record I do think people should be allowed to own weapons.

Post # 3
Member
10748 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

Wow that’s an awkward situation. I’d kill that kid if he ever harmed my animal. Have you tried talking to his grandparents? They should definitely be involved with this. 

Post # 4
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

 

Soon2bmarried123:  Sorry about this, you tried to help the poor kid out and that’s good but you can’t be his parents. Maybe you can help get him enrolled in some sort of after school activity or youth center. I’m guessing a lot of his misbehaviour stems from boredom.

Can you imagine living with your elderly grandparents at age 13? I’m sure he has too much freedom, like you said, and nothing to do with it.

Post # 5
Member
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Soon2bmarried123:  He is a 13 year old kid, and you’re adults. You shouldn’t be afraid to firmly tell him that you don’t want him on your property shooting a gun, and that you don’t want him coming over all the time. If he doesn’t stop then talk to his grandparents.

Post # 6
Member
7410 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Rather than involving aithorities or his guardians, since he looks up to your partner why doesn’t he have a man to man chat with him. It sounds like he is testing you guys probably because he see’s you guys as either cool older sibling types or parental figures. 

Your partner could explain he is talking to him as a friend and is concerned. Turn the creepy behaviour into a thing about how it will turn girls away etc etc. 

Post # 7
Member
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Soon2bmarried123:  Please don’t sever the relationship.  

My heart breaks for this kid and its not at all surprizing that he is clinging to your husband and idolizes him.  It would be so hurtful and rejecting to just drop him.  When you made the choice to get involved, you took on the responsibility – you can’t just drop it now that its become inconvenient or uncomfortable.  

Perhaps your husband has been too buddy-buddy and its time for a little tough love and a man to man talk.  He doesn’t have to be harsh but he does need to be firm.  

First, your husband needs to address him coming into your yard at night using his pellet gun and tell him that is not okay and why.  Then he needs to tell him that under no circustances is he to use those guns on animals and if your DH finds out he is, he will speak to the kid’s grandparents.  Same for smoking.  Not okay and if he finds him doing it again, he’s not going to cover for him.

Your DH needs to tell him he’s a good kid, he has potential and that he likes and cares about him and wants to be his friend but as his friend and as a responsible adult, he can’t and won’t look the other way if he sees this kid making bad choices or headed for trouble.  

If he rings the doorbell when its not convenient then open it, tell him its not a good time and you’ll catch him later  Be nice, but be firm.  

If the grandparents are sensible people, have a quiet word with them.  Many times grandparents are indulgent because they feel so bad about hardships kids have. 

Post # 8
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

What a terrible, creepy situation.  I feel bad for all involved, including the kid.  He will grow up to be a very troubled adult if he continues to lack a positive, firm, consequences-enforcing influence in his life (which you are under no obligation to provide!!).  His poor grandparents obviously are unable to provide this.  I have to plead complete ignorance of laws/social norms/psychology here, but this what I would do.  

Either:

1. Move away and leave no contact information.  This could escalate QUICKLY as he gets older.  You don’t want a 15-16 year old kid trying to sneak into your bedroom at night when your DH is away.

2. Call child protective services.  This troubled kid is smoking, owning fairly dangerous objects, and being exposed to dangerous influences (Dexter?!?!?!?!).  With all the tragic shootings that have happened in the last few years, I see this child’s behavior as a BIG red flag.  He needs to be flagged in the system so that he doesn’t continue down a destructive path.

Post # 9
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you and your DH need to set some very firm boundaries in place with this child.  Both of you definitely need to have a sit down conversation with the grandparents, come to an agreement about what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior, and make it very clear with the grandparents AND the child how involved you and your DH would be with him.  If I were you, I would be very upfront and honest with his grandparents about all of your concerns — that he constantly rings your doorbell, that he is allowed to watch age-inappropriate shows, that he now owns a gun which he’s using to harm innocent animals in the neighborhood, etc.   I would explain if the bad behaviors does not stop ASAP, then you will unfortunately will have to call child protective and ask for professional intervention.

My heart goes out to the child, but he is a 13 year old teen and he is at that age where he could do some real damage. It looks like the adults in his life are severely negligent when it comes to creating structure, rules, boundaries, limiations, and consequences for bad behavior.  If they won’t do what is necessary, unfortuantely that is why we have these agencies etc. who will step-in when people are not accountable for their responsibility.

OP, if I were you — I’d tread very carefully and you must establish strong boundaries ASAP.  This child needs help and you are not his parents, so don’t put that responsibility on your shoulders to give him everything he needs.

 

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