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My best friend is getting married this year and she just told me her husband to be is BI. She asked for my advice if she should marry him or no but i have no clue what to tell her. Both are young, 23, 25.
This kind of reminds me of one of the episodes of SATC, where they watch what they thought was a gay friend get married to a woman
Any Bees have a bi-curious husband or friend that can provide advice for my best friend? You can tell they love each other deeply. The wedding is in 3 months.
What's the big deal? He's decided to be committed to her. Just her. If he's forsaking all other women, does it really matter that he's forsaking all other men as well?
For some reason, men never seem to get this freaked out about marrying a bisexual woman.
I agree that I don't see how it matters. Just because you have a certain sexual orientation doesn't mean that you don't believe in monogamy. It sounds like they are in a committed relationship now and as long as they both agree on that, there isn't any reservation that I can think of just because he is bisexual.
I'm bisexual and can't help to take offense at the hesitation illustrated here, if it's based solely on her FI's sexual orientation. I mean, unless he has expressed reservations about commited, what does his orientation have to do with anything? Being bisexual does not equate to being anymore promiscious or commitment-phobe that any straight person (a common misconception). Just because I'm attracted to both women and men and variations of either gender, has no affect on my current relationship. I am commited to my FI or else he wouldn't be my FI. Those attractions will always be there, but so will attractions to other people for any straight couple - but no one ever judges a straight woman for still being attracted to men post commitment. There's a difference between being attracted to someone and acting on the attraction or having it even matter. So, in conclusion, of course she should still marry him, as long as everything else in the relationship is going the way they both want. Although I would reeeeally suggest they talk more candidly about orientation, because she doesn't seem to really understand the way it works. Sorry if this was longwinded or slightly ranty. :)
Man that is a tough one... I don't know if I would marry him. I totally get what PP's say about him being committed but I think for a man to admit to being bi he must have strong feelings towards men and personally I would be uncomfortable with that. I really feel your friend... that is a really tough position to be in.
@MrsPom: By that token, anyone admitting to being straight means they have strong feelings towards the opposite sex. Does that mean you wouldn't marry someone who was straight because they could be attracted to the opposite sex? It's the same thing. Committment doesn't have a sexual orientation limitation. He probably admitted it because being in a relationship is all about communication and being open about yourself and not hiding important things like sexual orientation from your partner. I'm sure he was just trying to be honest and not tip off his FI about something questionable.
I'm saying this as a GLBT member... there aren't a lot of true bisexual males. I think its very rare to find a TRUE bisexual adult male.
Are you SURE he isn't gay?
Male sexuality tends to be black/white, whereas female sexuaity can be a bit more fluid.
I'm bisexual. I don't advertise to anyone for personal reasons but my SO knows about it. I'm committed only to him.
@MrsPom: For someone (because gender shouldn't be a variable, imo) to admit they are bisexual is simply self-disclosure, something about yourself that you share with someone you trust. If your thinking is that those who have same-sex attractions only admit to having those attractions when they're strong, I would very much disagree. Sexuality, and in this case bisexuality, is fluid. That said, even if he does have strong feelings for men, that doesn't really matter (unless, of course, the concept of same-sex attractions isn't something that's inherently okay with her, for religious reason or otherwise - but I'm just going off that not being the case :3). My FI has a strong attaction for red heads. But I'm brunette. That, in-and-of-itself, isn't a deciding factor of his commitment to me, nor is his attraction to me affected adversely because I lack red hair. Even if he's very attracted to men, he's bisexual, not gay, and therefore also attracted to women, and, of all those women and men, he's chosing her. :)
Of course, the OP never said how long her friend has known about her FI's orientation, only how long she has known. So this is all based on the assumption that this self disclosure isn't out of the blue for the friend.
@eagle: I've met him and he seems to have many mannerism and prissy, but i can't say everyman that has mannerism is gay. Only she knows if there is more to it. He has slept with men before but never dated them at least thats what she was told.
@sarasouth: I do think there is a double standard. Men love the idea of bi wife but not so easy the other way around.
@eagle: I'm not sure what to make of this. Are you implying that the Kinsey scale exists for women, but for men, it just means they haven't yet decided they want to come out as gay?
Back to the topic:
I TOTALLY understand why Cynthia Nixon said she "chose" gay, and then later clarified that she chooses to describe herself as gay rather than as bisexual, because of all the baggage that comes with it. For some reason, being gay or straight is seen as an orientation, and yet bisexuality is seen as an inability to commit. Whether people see it as an inability to commit to an orientation or to commit to a person or whether they confuse the two, it's frustrating. We are who we are.
@MrsSage: She found out tonight. she called me a little over 2 hours ago. They've been together for 3 years. She didnt mention how the topic came up. I'm waiting for her to calm down to call her back.
I never said he wasn't committed I just said personally I would not be comfortable with it, it's just my opinion. Similar to another thread where their men like to wear women's lingere... I wouldn't be okay with that either but that is just me. And the argument about not being with anyone bc they could all be potentially attracted to someone else is not the same so let's not pretend it is otherwise the OP wouldn't have asked this specific question.
@zagora: Agreed. I get tired of people saying that if someone is bisexual they're non-committed and aren't yet either "fully" gay or "fully" straight. Whatever. I choose to look at my relationships as a relationship with a person and not a specific gender. In my case, I fell in love with a man that I want to be fully committed to for the rest of my life. However, it could have been a woman.
@Ms.BlueEyesDC: Hmm...with that bit of information, it does give me a tiny bit of pause. For some reason I feel like if he's had gay sex but hasn't dated, it could mean that he's too afraid to be seen as gay publicly, and is on the DL.
But if he's OUT as bisexual, I think that's pretty hard to come out as (I think even harder than coming out as gay, because of all the stigmas mentioned above), then he's probably pretty comfortable in his skin and aware of his orientation. This guy could simply find it dating "easier" with one gender or another, but be attracted to both. (I find it much "easier" to date women, but I'm marrying a man and am attracted to both.)
I would not be ok with it. If she is asking you for advice, she doesn't sound ok with it either.
IF he is truly bi and not gay (as Eagle mentioned the possibility of), I would be ok with it. However I may be biased because I am bi but I was very upfront with my FI about it when our relationship turned serious. I would be extremely uncomfortably with the fact that it took 3 years for him to tell her, that, to me, is a red flag. All imho of course.
I think as long as he is totally up front and honest about it, there's no problem. When it comes down to a monogamous committed relationship, there's really no difference between bisexual and any other orientation. If she's unsure of his committment to her or the relationship, then she should talk to him about what his sexuality means to him and how he knows he can choose to only be with a woman for the rest of his life.
As long as he's okay with remaining loyal to her, I don't see the problem. If he's going to be forever longing for experiences with men, then there might be a problem.
I agree with PPs.. seems like a really long time to keep any sort of secret..
Wow i didn't know this was going to be a hot topic!
The phone is ringing and its her. I'll update tomorrow on what happend. Thanks everyone for the advice. I'll let her know what others thought. She knows i post here often.
i find this a bit questionable. if someone is bi, they enjoy the 'company' of both men and women. if they choose to be in a committed relationship, won't they ever want the 'company' of the other gender ever again?
i like men, always have. i am committed to a man. i don't need another man because my man fulfills me the way a man does. but in the case of a bi-sexual person, i would suspect that being with a man vs a woman would be very different; for obvious reasons. if committed, would that one chosen gender meet the needs of both? i know there are tools, etc to assist couples in some of these situations but sooner or later, you're gonna want the real thing again.
i am not judging, i am totally supportive of these choices. i really am. i would hope whoever they choose to be in a committed relationship with would be understanding enough to accept the occasional indiscretion.
Wait - after 3 years together she finds out NOW? That is a HUGE thing to hide from someone. To me that's a much bigger issue than if he's bi. That was something that should have been disclosed to her early on.
I hope I don't get flak for saying this, but of the guys I've known who've claimed to be bi, only a few were really bi. Some of these guys would say they were bi to be a little more "accepted", when it was pretty clear they were gay. They'd use the claim of being bi to sort of test the waters before coming out fully.
His age is part of what gives me pause, too. He's still fairly young and might be still trying to figure this stuff out. I would be very hesitant to marry a man in this situation. But your friend knows him best and ultimately needs to go with her gut on this one. If she decides to stay with him, they both should probably go to counseling to delve deeper into all of these issues.
@abirdword: As PPs have said, it's largely seen as [i]less[/i] acceptable for a man to come out as bi than as gay.
Honestly, being bi doesn't stop you being monogamous. If you're going to cheat, sexual orientation won't really make any difference.
The fact that he has slept with men but only had relationships with women actually suggests that he might be on the straighter end of the bisexual rainbow. Either way, he chose your friend, he chose to trust her with a dangerous truth about himself and he is choosing to marry her.
We were over seeing my dad's best friend last night. He identifies as bi. He was married for over 20 years to a woman with whom he had four children (now all adults). Their relationship ended like many do (they grew apart while he worked on their home and she had a high-powered career) and he has now been in a relationship with another man for the last decade. Two relationships spanning well over a quarter of a century is hardly a cautionary tale (especially not when all involved are now good friends)!
I'm bi. I'm monogamous. I'm happy with my choices.
@eagle: I'm seconding this. This is why my FI has an ex-wife (and isn't married to a bisexual).
If he truly IS bisexual, I don't see what the issue is. Anyone, in any relationship, is committing to not having relations with ANYONE else, regardless of sex. I might not be bisexual, but I am only ever going to be with my FI and have committed to not have relations with anyone else, male, female, etc.
@mypinkshoes: It's like like bi people need to have both. (It's like like we get bored with penises and then go after vaginas and then go back to penises.) It's that we're capable of having a romantic relationship with a person, and their gender becomes secondary. Make sense?
@abirdword: Agreed - the real issue (back on topic) is that she's JUST finding out about this 3 years later. Which raises red flags that whatever he is, he's not comfortable with himself just yet. I wouldn't marry someone who hasn't yet figured out who they are.
BUT I *strongly* disagree that only a few people are bi. I believe that sexuality is more of a spectrum (check out Wiki entry on the Kinsey scale - I consider myself a 2). Some people are more straight, others are more gay, and others are in between. I think the in betweenness is something that few people admit to. Come on - how many of you have had dreams about kissing a woman? (I know many of you have.)
@zagora: it makes sense...so my question is what does someone in a committed relationship do when they are now craving a penis when they are committed to a vagina? if this was me, i personally wouldn't want to chose one or the other, i would still want the option of both.
I'm bi and my now husband knew when we were dating. I think it's strange that he's hid it for 3 years and that's the part that would make me question the relationship. Why would you keep such a big part of you hidden from the person you're suppose to marry.
@eagle: I know quite a few bi-sexual males. They may not run in your circle and that's why you're making that statement, but it sounds ignorant to me. I think there's a stigma for men that if you're bi you must just be gay and you're contributing to it.
First off, I'll just say that I 100% believe that someone who is bisexual is just as capable of committing. I have several friends who identify as bi and when they're in relationships, they're just as focused on their partner as anyone who is only attracted to one gender.
That being said... how would I react if my partner of 3 years told me he was bisexual? It would throw me for a loop, .that's for sure. I would be confused and scared and I would most definetly question our relationship. I think I'd feel a variety of things. I'd feel proud that he was able to divulge something private and scary to me. I'd feel lied to. I'd imagine him being physical with another man and it would confuse me.
Orientation, as it stands, is a big deal. Sex/lust/love/attraction are such a big way that humans define themselves! Bisexuality is incredibly confusing for people who don't experience it. I don't think it makes a person judgemental for being apprehensive, especially if this is something that comes up after being in a long term relationship. If you know this part of someone when you're newly dating, you can grow together with that as a facet of your relationship... just like knowing anything about someone. When we know the qualities of our partner, both good and bad, we have the oppurtunity to understand them. So I don't think it's so much that his sexuality is a negative thing, as it is that it's an important thing. He's throwing a whole new dimension into what she knows about him after a long time together. Of COURSE she's confused.
Anyway, as far as I know, my SO is straight. But I'm trying to put myself in your friend's shoes. If he came to me tomorrow and told me this, I don't think I'd leave him. But since he waited so long to tell me this important thing, I'd want to postpone the wedding (assuming it's very close). I'd want to make sure I understand the person I'm marrying. Assuming everything else in their relationship is good and she is mentally willing and able to accept his orientation, I think it's just a speed bump :)
@mypinkshoes: You missed my point. It's about the person, not about the genitals. We're equally satisfied with either gender - both meet our needs. (It's not that we're only satisfied when we have both.)
@eagle: My FI is bi. And he is a true bisexual man. For 3 years (when we knew each other) he had relationships with both. When we got together HE decided he only wanted to be with me. And it has been that way for nearly 3 years now.
Your comment is very ignorant. And the type of crap that my FI has had to endure from both his gay male friends and straight female friends for years...'just admit it, you are really gay'...He can tell them otherwise until he is literally blue in the face and they still don't believe it. Some of them even had the nerve to tell me when we first got together that 'he was bound to shag a man, he can't go without'
The ones who made those sorts of comments are no longer his friends.
As for the OP, I think your friend needs to be very wary. I was lucky because my FI was certain that he was bisexual, and I knew long before we were a couple. I wouldn't marry someone who only told me after 3 years of us being together.
Thats tough, I agree be very wary, why is this comming up now and not 3 years ago!???? The real issues in this is just finding out!!! It is a big deal to just find this out. It would be a completly different topic if she had known this before, but to just find out?! Why was he hidding it from her?? Its a big part of who he is, or who he was, is like being with somebody for 3 years getting engaged and then saying "oh by the way I have a kid" or "oh by the way Im married" ......It would not be a big deal if he had been honest from the get go, to hide something like that from the person you love is huge!!!!
I agree with PP's, the ONLY problem is the three years until he told her. it does not matter what someone's sexuality is, they can still be committed. just cos he is attracted to both men and women doesn't mean he will cheat just cos he is marrying a woman and can't have the man part of it. my ex boyfriend is bi, and he was very committed to me while we were together.
My issue would be, compounded by the fact he didn't disclose the fact until after three years in, that at 23/25 he's still quite young.
It really depends on why he's telling her now:
If it's part of a full disclosure before they are wed, then fine (but he's got some explaining to do as to why he kept it a secret, and brings up trust/ honesty issues).. But if there's still things he might need to explore, to satisfy a curiousity or yearning then it's going to be a tough road for her.
*I'm not in any way adding to 'bisexuals are more promiscuous' debate either, because I don't believe they are. I do believe everyone is entitled to their own sexuality though, and sometimes it can take a while to figure out.
You know, I was all on board with the "what's the big deal, he's with her" train until reading that they had been together for 3? years and he only just now told her he's bi. I do completely understand that it's more difficult for bi men to come out, but it worries me that he hasn't felt comfortable enough to tell her before getting engaged.
I'm bi myself, and of many bi people I know, I can only think of one girl who at first identified as bi and eventually decided she was actually gay, and none who have had any more trouble committing to a relationship than the average straight or gay person. What worries me is that he hasn't been open with her about it--though given the implied reaction on her part, I guess I can see why he didn't want to come out previously.
Given the amount of prejudice shown against those who are bisexual in this thread alone, is it any wonder that he waited to tell her?
I was once dumped by a guy after three weeks for telling him (pretty offhand) that I'm bisexual. His opinion was that it gave me twice as many opportunities to cheat on him. His loss!
I actually think this thread is one of the maturer ones I've read, most people are questioning the time frame in which he told her, not his orienation- which I think is pretty healthy!
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