Post # 1
I’ve posted about this before, but now it seems there’s no way around it and I’m not sure what to do.
I lost my mom recently and her best friend is throwing me a shower. She lives 4 hours away from me and anyone I would invite. I’ve repeatedly discussed with her that I don’t have anyone local to invite, and the family I do have in her town I’m not close with at all (distant cousins, great cousins-names are familiar buy I don’t really know who is who) and they aren’t invited to the wedding.
Well, she’s awfully persistent. Today she emailed me that she is meeting up with one of my moms cousins (someone I’ve only heard of, maybe met as a child) to decide on a guest list. This cousin has told her that she definitely “knows who to invite and who to forget”.
So bees, now what? I’ve already had multiple conversations with how I wasn’t comfortable with the shower and the planning has begun, so there’s no getting out of it.
I don’t have much more room in my budget to add people to the guest list. I also wanted an intimate wedding with just the people we’re closest to and no strangers.
Do I suck it up and find the room (and money!!) to add whomever they invite to the wedding guestlist?
Or, because I’m not inviting people to the shower, and I don’t really know them do I have to invite everyone?
I know generally everyone invited to the shower get invited to the wedding, but I feel like the situation is a little different here. What would you do?
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
@sofialovesmikey: Eeeeek! I would tell them that they can host a party but there will be no guest of honor, that is SO HAWKWARD.
Post # 4
Can you have a shower locally, and invite her before she goes any further?
Post # 5
Probably not. They’re making plans tonight, and no one else has offered to host. I know, awesome bridesmaids…
Post # 6
Explain to her again that these people will not be invited to the wedding and you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. And you don’t want it to reflect badly on her, as the host.
It’s nice that she’s supporting you and wants to do this for you. Maybe redirect her good intentions to some thing else?
Post # 7
Oh dear, you’re in quite a jam here. What I would do is specifically say to her that “I’m a little worried about this bridal shower, because none of the extended family that lives in [town name] is invited to the wedding, and I simply don’t have the budget to add them. I was under the impression that it was terrible etiquette to invite people to a shower but not to the wedding, so I’m not sure how to proceed! You probably know more about these things than I do, though — what do you think?” It’s possible she doesn’t realize these people aren’t invited to the wedding, or maybe she doesn’t realize this is bad etiquette … but either way, if you say something like that then you’ve washed your hands of it and done all you could. If she comes back with “don’t you worry a thing about that; we’ve got it all under control” then I guess buck up, swallow hard, and deflect any questions to the host of the shower … ?
Post # 8
@sweetbutdemanding: +1. Include her in local activities rather than have her force you to be rude. I would be so pissed if I was invited to a shower, bought a gift, and then wasn’t included in the wedding. I guess a lot of hosts don’t know the etiquette, but you obviously do. I would be upfront and tell her: “no, I am not comfortable doing this even though it is a sweet gesture. However, I am happy to include you in X, Y, and Z.” She sounds like she wants to be involved, so give her something else to plan.
Post # 9
Thanks ladies, unfortunately I’ve told her multiple times that none of her guests will be invited to the wedding and I’m not comfortable with it. Still though, her plans are moving on to the next step. Looks like I’m stuck!
Post # 10
I’m in a similar situation. The host of the couple’s shower (formerly ‘bridal shower’) wanted to have something that friends of her and my parents can come to… some of them are invited and some are not! A few people have assured me that it’s okay since I”m not the one organizing the party, and I’ve just kind of decided not to stress about it. Good luck!
Post # 11
@sofialovesmikey: my friends from church threw me a lovely surprise bridal shower and only two of them are actually invited to the wedding. It’s not completely unheard of. I think it’s tough in your position bc the ppl invited might then assume they are invited to the wedding. Although given your circumstances i think they would be more understanding. My invites had already gone out so this wasn’t the case for me. I just wanted to let you know it wasn’t as awful as some here might make it out to be. Good luck.