Post # 1
FH and I are discussing our (small) guest list for our wedding. An intimate simple wedding is what we have always wanted, with just the people there who we know and love well and know and love us well as a couple. We have narrowed down the guest list to our parents, siblings, niblings (children of siblings), my grandparents (only one set alive from both our families) and four good friends each.
Quick background: FH and I moved to the West side of Australia a little while ago (where our wedding will be held) and our families and friends are scattered across the east side, meaning every guest will be travelling aprox 4000km for our wedding, so a 5hr flight is involved. My family is large, 8 aunts/uncles and countless cousins and 2nd cousins. FH family is small, one uncle and two cousins.
Problem 1: My maternal grandmother is very family orientated, pushy and lets say overinvolved. She is going to be upset her children (my aunts/uncles) and grandchilden (cousins) will not be invited to the wedding. If I plea its a cost issue (which is a good part of the reason), she will say to have a BBQ or something cheaper. She will also be pissed off that we are having it in West Australia away from my home town in the east where almost all of my family still live. For her to be happy the wedding would be at the cheapest dive in my home town or a family members backyard. I am ready to tackle this problem, although it is going to be awkward.
Problem 2: We want to invite FH only uncle who he is very close to, actually we both are close to him. He has helped us as much as our parents in terms of emotional support and guidance in dark times. He really is as close to us as immediate family and our good friends! However I can see my nan having a fit over that. I have varying degrees of closeness to my aunts/uncles/cousins.
I’m thinking I will say to my nan that: “We are inviting parents, siblings, niblings and 5 other guests each, as we can only afford up to 30 guests. I have chosen you and pop, friend1, friend2, friend3, friend4 and FH has chosen his uncle aswell as friend1, friend2, friend3 and friend4. I know its not ideal but we are planning to have a larger party back in our home town a couple of months after the wedding, that way all the rellies can celebrate and noone has to travel long distances.
What do you think? I am dreading the conversation. Advice? Experience?
Post # 2
I don’t think you should tell her at all that is my opinion. If you don’t mention anything wedding related than she can’t have a say in the wedding. Just sent her an invite and she will find out who will be at the wedding the day of the wedding. If she gets mad oh well its your day not hers.
Post # 3
Bored6: +1. Don’t even tell her you’re inviting FH’s uncle. Simply tell her (if she asks) that you’re inviting siblings, grandparents and a very small number of close friends. She doesn’t need to know that one of the close friends is an uncle.
Post # 4
I agree with PP. I had to cut out a lot of family and it was hard and people tried to pressure me into inviting more. I finally had to put my foot down and say that I love everyone, but I want to spend the day with those I am closest to. I don’t think you should have to explain yourself (I didn’t. I just said it’s a super small party). Explain yourself to no one. I know you love her, but unless she’s paying, she has no say. I haven’t shared details with anyone, because no one is helping pay. If they ask, I just say I’m trying to surprise all my guests with all the hard work I’m putting in. 🙂
Post # 5
minimalistbee: Are you paying for your wedding? If so, you get to say who attends. If your nan is paying she gets to decide the guest list. If you are paying WHY would you need to discuss this at all? I agree with Bored6: and aussiemum1248:
Post # 6
Thanks everyone, goes to show how super involved my nan likes to be in everything. I didnt even consider that an option. We are paying for the wedding. I won’t tell anyone on my side of the fam we are inviting FH uncle, otherwise it will get back to my nan (guaranteed). My family love drama. Just ‘close family and best friends’ will suffice…. and then end all wedding talk!
Post # 7
FYI Grandmother has met the uncle, so no way of passing him off as a friend.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
Oooh a WA Bee! My DH is from WA and I moved here to be with him from over east as well. I did have some extended family who were unhappy that we didn’t get married in my old home town. To those people I said “Can you imagine how difficult it would be for me to plan a wedding over that distance? Besides, WA is my home now, I want to get married where we’re building a future.”
I found during my wedding that it is amazing the amount of resistance some family will put up UNTIL you start pushing back, and then they tend to back off because there’s nowhere for them go.
I agree that I wouldn’t talk about this with your grandmother. If she brings it up, tell her that you set a guest limit due to both budgetary costs and because you both want a small wedding and you’ve made your minds up. You’ve split the guest list fairly and let your FI choose who he wanted to invite.
You could also tell her that you don’t want the wedding to be big because you hate the whole wedding industry complex and you think that these expectations are ridiculous in this day and age. Might not be true but I find older people don’t always know what to say when you talk that way 😉
Post # 9
minimalistbee: So? Don’t tell her the guest list, and when she seems him at the wedding it’s too late.