Post # 1
I’ve thought long and hard about posting this, and I’ve finally decided to take the plunge because there are no posts around at the moment about this issue, and therefore nobody (hopefully) will think that I’m criticising them personally!
I see posts on here all the time where bees ask for advice because guest X has decided not to attend their ceremony for Y reason. Sometimes, X is comfortable attending the reception, for various reasons, but not the ceremony.
The advice from most bees is just to cut guest X out of OP’s life. Whilst this advice is wonderfully supportive, and often makes OP feel a lot better, I’m not terribly sure it is good advice… my experience is that there are usually deeper issues at stake than issue Y, and OP usually needs to work out what those are and address them… regardless of whether or not sorting those issues out will encourage guest X to attend the wedding.
I was wondering whether it might be an idea to start a thread which is sort of like a sticky but not a sticky, you know? Where we give the hypothetical bride advice which is less… emotive than much of the advice our fellow bees often get. I think it might be helpful to some future bride somewhere. Anyone up for it? If this works OK, we could do a whole series of these for future ladies who could do with a hand: common issues, and suggested solutions.
Post # 3
Like, present hypothetical situations with solutions?
I think it would be difficult because usually our thoughts are triggered by something… such as a thread on the bee.
If one were to post about a hypothetical situation very similar to an actual situation presently being discussed on the bee, it would seem like an indirect way to say things about the poster of the actual situation that they may not like to hear. Feelings hurt, drama, thead closed. That’s sadly how I see it going.
Post # 4
I honestly believe that a lot of the posts on the bee are much more geared towards never telling a bride they’re wrong as to not hurt their feelings. The notion that someone would cut someone out of their lives because they didn’t show up at their wedding is ridiculous to me. Somewhere along the way, too many of these girls have watched way too much Bridezilla, SYTTD and the rest of the bridal shows and think that life is supposed to be that way. STEP AWAY FROM THE REMOTE CONTROL. The truth is, your wedding is all about you and while it’s all about you, life doesn’t revolve around you. These are people who by and large may work 5 days a week, have 2 days off to spend with their families and you’re asking them to give one day to them. Some just don’t want to do that and rather than RESPECT that, you don’t want to deal with them anymore. It’s a whole lot of selfish that I just can’t get with.
You can’t give brides here nonemotional advice, because then you’re attacking them or being mean. I’ve read a ton of threads here where people seek validation for bad behavior, others give it and when the voice of reason comes along, you hear… I didn’t want to be attacked. It’s not an attack, it’s an opposing viewpoint – but you get butt hurt because someone may tell you you’re wrong. I’ll say this, my SIL told me when we first got engaged, be careful, weddings bring out the worst in people and I can’t say she was wrong. I actually took the attitude that I didn’t care about MOST of my wedding and I was looked at like I had sprouted new limbs.
Post # 5
@joya_aspera: @DJones69: Ho hum. You both make excellent points. Ack… I may have to be more specific… and I really didn’t want to be.
OK. I had about four different threads in mine when I wrote this one… one of them was mine, so I suppose I am being the least intrusive if I reference that one.
NOTE: Please, please, please PPs in that previous thread… if you see this thread then don’t see this as a criticism of you. You were trying to support me in my time of need, and I thank you for it unreservedly.
My thread was this: guests A and B are atheists. They are not keen on attending my religious service. On the one hand, I feel I should be respectful of their decision. On the other, they were kind of ***** when they told me, and Fiance is cross with them. (Very compressed history… without many of the details…). My ultimate conclusion on that thread, after much soul searching: the real issue here is actually the relationship between A, B and Fiance, NOT whether or not they attend my service. I confused the real problem with the superficial one.
I think maybe… supporting fellow bees unreservedly by telling them what you suspect they want to hear is not always the most helpful thing. I get that you want to help people, but… more probing questions might help people get to the root of the issue faster? I guess maybe I was wondering if considering theoretical situations completely dissimilar to current threads would allow future posters to get honest opinions which might help them?
Post # 6
I understand completely what you’re saying, but the truth is that most people on the bee CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH. A lot of the posts on here are people who are behaving irrationally and the people who want to enable them to behave irrationally because when they have their irrational moment, they want folks to cheer them on and leave them be.
IMO, if you invite 2 aethists to your religious ceremony, there’s no reason to suspect that they’d come. It goes against their beliefs. Respect that about them. In the grand scheme of things, you’re not going to do a head count, walk around with your guest list and take attendance. Enjoy the day INSPITE of who showed up and who didn’t. It doesn’t make them any less happy that you two got married, it just means that their belief system doesn’t allow them to attend. They didn’t wish you dead, did they? Slap your mom? Kick dirt on your kids? THOSE are things you terminate a relationship over.
Post # 7
@DJones69: “IMO, if you invite 2 aethists to your religious ceremony, there’s no reason to suspect that they’d come. It goes against their beliefs. Respect that about them. In the grand scheme of things, you’re not going to do a head count, walk around with your guest list and take attendance. Enjoy the day INSPITE of who showed up and who didn’t. It doesn’t make them any less happy that you two got married, it just means that their belief system doesn’t allow them to attend. They didn’t wish you dead, did they? Slap your mom? Kick dirt on your kids? THOSE are things you terminate a relationship over. “
Right? Yes! But nobody has the balls to tell you that…
… even more helpful would be if they asked you a few questions to allow you to try and examine what the actual issue was, because it strikes me that, 90% of the time, it really isn’t the same issue you think it is!
Post # 8
I suspect that the best advice anyone can give for issues that will not affect anyone’s life outside of your wedding is just “roll with the punches.” Stuff goes wrong, sometimes people even let you down. But it’s surprising how good it can feel to just let go of the frustration, recognize that you can’t control everything, and let the chips fall where they may.
Perhaps this could be a “what is the best emotional wedding advice you received or have to offer” thread? I think there’s a ton of one-size-fits-all advice about flowers or saving money or finding the right venue, but it’s the emotional stuff that can be truly difficult to navigate.
Post # 9
I tell the 100% unmitigated, uncensored truth 100% of the time. Believe it or not, that’s what most people love about me because if you’re being ridiculous, I’ll tell you. You’ll never have to worry about me being one that smiles in your face and then has an inbox conversation about you or talks about you behind your back.
I didn’t see your previous post, but had I seen it… the above would have been exactly what I said. It didn’t even MATTER what the underlying issues are. The fact of the matter is besides you, your Fiance and your minister, no one else is obligated to show for any reason. Of course, I could have taken the next 30 posts and really started to ask questions about what the real issue was, but then, no one would have been asking me to put a microscope to their relationship. LOL
Post # 10
@anemonie: This is definitely true. But I think you have to be a bit more specific, you know… at least try to narrow down your advice to specific topics in order to make it helpful…
@DJones69: HA! I like you already. And now I’m curious as to what you would have said, had you read the uncompressed thread. But I do think the issues in these situations are not always the issues you think they are…. it’s almost always actually about something else, and agreeing with OP doesn’t help them to discover what the underlying issue actually is… this site works best when OPs actually use it as a tool to explore what’s really going on, IMO…
Post # 11
This is actually the thing that bothers me the most about this community. Don’t get me wrong, I love that it’s not like other places were people are downright rude or offensive, but really – if you post for advice you should be able to put on your big girl (or boy) panties and take it. If you are looking for someone to listen and just make rainbows out of garbage, get a dog.
I find too often the person who goes against the grain is the one I agree with, or the one that’s making rational sense. That person more often than not gets called out for being “mean”. That is why most people either pass on a comment, or say something sugar coated so they don’t get shit on.
I don’tknow why you’d ask for advice or help if you didn’t want it. If you come here and say “am I being crazy” and the story is that you went all Carrie Underwood on your FI’s truck because you saw a number his cell bill that you don’t recognize, with no other reason to lose trust, damn rights someone should be able to say HELL YES without being made into a monster. How does it benefit the OP to say “oh no you didn’t go to far! I bet he’s a cheating bastard with a whole other family somewhere!!” or “it’s ok to have those feelings, it’s perfectly normal to feel however you feel”. The real answer and the opinions are that yes, you did go bat shit crazy and you probably need medication.
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2013 - Franklin Plaza
@Rachel631: I get what you’re saying exactly. In theory it’s great, but as PP’s said many people wouldn’t be able to separate the hypothetical from the actual,etc. Could be worth a try though, you never know.
@lia22: This. LOL.
Post # 13
@DJones69: you said
The notion that someone would cut someone out of their lives because they didn’t show up at their wedding is ridiculous to me.
Good lord, yes. What are we, ten years old?
Post # 15
@lia22: +1. So funny!
@FauxPas2012: Yes, right? No matter how dumb someone’s reasons are, there’s usually something behind it. You need to remember that:
– OP would not have invited them if they were a complete arsehole with no redeeming features.
– They are not being shown in their best light on an internet thread… you are seeing one side of the situation.
– I can guarantee that there are other, underlying issues here which are more important than the issue of attendence or non-attendence, and which require your attention. What OP needs is a space so they can work out what the issues are… talk it through… because once they work that out then they can fix things.
– Validation is nice, but not always necessary. People do it to be supportive, but sometimes it can make OP too secure in their position, which can ultimately make them inflexible and cause more problems.
… any other general advice?
Post # 16
Having 3 married daughters who drafted me as their wedding coordinator I have been on wedding boards for years. I learned boundaries, modern wedding trends like mixed gendered bridal parties standing on one side and mismatched dresses. Love both of those trends.
What has amazed me in my short time here is the overwhelming support bridezillas get. It is like djones69 said in post #3, “a lot of the posts on the bee are much more geared towards never telling a bride they’re wrong as to not hurt their feelings.” I am stunned by how incredibly often this happens.
Dirty Delete #4 certainly gives us every indication that she will be announcing an engagement this year. When that happens I’m telling her not to take ideas of advice here and to put her big girl panties on and head to the knot. Are they blunt over there? Incredibly. Can they be rude sometimes? Yup. Do they EVER validate bad ideas from bridezillas? Never. She is a tough cookie and has a pretty good concept of proper wedding etiquette so I think she will be fine over there.
The overwhelming majority of etiquette advice here starts with “I think you should…..”. That is not etiquette. That is opinion and everyone jumps on board regardless of the fact that is isn’t proper etiquette. And….on those threads, no one seems to want to hear the proper etiquette.