Post # 1
hi i have never posted anything on a site like this before but i feel i need to get this out! Me and my bf have been together for a little under 2 yrs. i understand that this is not a very long time compared to some people but for me it just feels like we have been together forever and we have lived together for most of this time. Im 28 soon to be 29 and hes 30. I also have been engaged before but called it off because i just felt it wasent right. I am so ready for an engagement but my bf is not.:(… He says that he knows im the one hes gonna marry but he dosent know when he will be ready. In his defence i am his first serious relationship and think its valid that he has this feeling but i am very scared that a. he will be one of these guys thats never ready and im gonna wast more yrs. or b. im worried that we are not on the same page and shouldnt couples be together on there feelings? Its just so deperssing and makes me doubt our relationship. it dosent help the situation that everyone around me is getting engaged after 7 or 8 months of knowing each other… If anyone has some advice i would love to hear it… thanks
Post # 3
I would find a way to gently express what you just wrote on the board here. I think after dating for so long and considering you both are well into adulthood, it’s okay to bring up the fact you want it to happen soon. I don’t know what else you could do at this point but certainly wish you the best. If he realizes you are serious about becoming married to him in the near future, it might push him towards making a decision one way or another. I think it may help to push the issue towards the front of his mind.
Post # 4
hmmm… this is a tough one. normally, i would say 2 years isn’t really a long time. but as you’re a bit older, the usual excuses of ‘he needs to get out of uni first’, or ‘make more money first’ or ‘is too young’ don’t really apply here…
a friend of mine is in a similar situation (she’s 26, he’s 33) and he just doesn’t seem to be bothered by marriage and is a bit more selish – he loves his mountain biking, fishing etc.
i would just recommend having a full on chat about it. i know some people don’t like timelines, but i’m actually a big fan of them. at least you have a vague idea of where it’s heading and can choose if the timeline is right for you or not. and he has to know it’s a serious discussion – not just you being fussy.
you say you’re almost 29… are children a big thing for you? obviously not for all women – but i’m 25 and i’ve already laid down the children card! i don’t want to be TTC for the first time after i’m 30, so that’s my time limit for him right there.
i think a lot of men fail to understand the importance of such things. others do, and it’s hard to assume all men suddenly get that ‘omg i must marry her right now!’ kind of feeling, but others need a bit of a push.
Post # 5
I think an honest conversation is in order. I would start out saying that you don’t want come off as pushy or nagging him, but you’d like to talk about your future together. Ask his opinion and be specific about some sort of timeframe, since this is important to you. Do you want kids? Do you want to buy a house, if you haven’t already? What kinds of things do you hope to accomplish in the next couple of years? How does that tie into marriage? What does he want to accomplish in the next years? I think you’ll find that talking about this kind of thing will get you both on the same page. Good luck!
Post # 6
The sad thing is i have talked to him about it. a couple times.. He says hes just not ready.. This is the hardest thing i have been thru. I have never been this girl or never expected to be this girl with him. we were completly on the same page about everything. Think thats why its so hard.
Post # 7
What is your ideal timeframe? Can you explain why it’s important to you to have some sort of idea of how long you are looking at? Maybe there’s a reason he is so hesitant to talk about the whole thing. If he’s so sure, what’s holding him back? I would be frustrated too. I think at the very least, he should be willing to talk about things. I still think it’s worth a conversation. Maybe try to approach the conversation in a way that he doesn’t feel like you are pushing him. Use terms like, it feels/seems like, I feel, from my perspective, etc. You shouldn’t have to feel like this and definitely should be able to talk to him about things like this.
Post # 8
Relax and don’t rush things…there is no time limit on these things. It took us 3 years, some people it took 2 months, some 10 years! Enjoy your time together now.
Post # 9
When you’ve talked about it, has he said why he doesn’t feel ready, or, what would have to change for him to feel ready? Is it financial, are there big things you still fight about all the time, are all of his friends still single?
For example…for my BF, money was/is a big part of it. He told me that he wants to be able to give me the wedding/ring he thinks I deserve (aw!). But knowing that, I was able to clarify my expectations (no honey, I really, truly do not want or need a huge diamond).
Maybe your BF has a similar misperception about what your expectations are surrounding getting married. If there are things you can work on together, it might make him feel better about getting married, while helping you feel better that he really does want it to happen.
Additionally, see if you can try to explain to him why you do feel ready to get married or why getting married sooner rather than later is important to you. Is it having kids; is it that you know that he’s the one for you, so why wait; whatever it may be, try to be open and honest about where you are coming from, but also be open to hearing where he’s coming from. It doesn’t necessarily make it easier to wait but it might help the two of you get closer to understanding what each other needs.
Post # 10
If he isn’t ready, then he isn’t ready. Let it happen naturally.
But if you feel like you must put a time stamp on it, dont make it an ultimatum. Say, “by 2.5 years, I want us to have the marriage discussion seriously.” Or, “I dont know if I want to invest over 4 years of dating. I would prefer to be engaged by then.” And then give him space and time to think it through.
Post # 11
I know it is hard to deal with, especially seeing all your friends getting engaged before you. Weddingbee is a good place to vent and get advice!
Do you already live together? It might not be the case for all couples, but it seems that moving in with my SO delayed things….I think they get more comfortable in how things are and do not see the need to progress things as quickly.
Try to have a conversation about engagement/marriage with him and what it means to you. Ask what his timeframe is, when he sees himself settling down, thoughts on marriage, things like that. Are his parents divorcred? Are a lot of his friends still single? Is he worried about the financial aspect of it? A lot of those things could have an effect on his thoughts of marriage.
Post # 12
I agree with PPs about talking to him about the real reason he’s scared to be married. My DH was a child of divorce and everyone in his family is divorced so he was extremely hesitant about getting married. He felt it needed to be one time and one time only. He dated a few girls (2 of them over 4 years each) and they were always pressuring him b/c of a timeline they had. He said he just ignored them and said he wasn’t ever getting married. He said when he met me, he knew I was the one he had been waiting for. The others weren’t “marriage/mother” material. Granted he mentioned marriage WAY before me…but your BF HAS told you that you ARE the one so have faith in that.
Post # 13
Thank you for all the comments. I Know that i def need to be more patient but to be honest it makes me very insecure knowing hes not ready. The reason he isnt ready is he thinks he needs more money even tho my parents are paying for my wedding, he dosent think we have been together long enough ugh!, and he aslo says he wants it to be special and a suprise.. i just always thought everything would just fall into place when it was the right guy. but i can see from this forum there are alot of woman in this waiting phase.. He also is very traditional. He dosent want to shop for rings together he wants it to be complete suprise.. wich is fine with me but if he waits to long i feel like every week he dosent propose its sucking the fun and enjoyment out of the relationship and im getting more and more bitter towards him. Guess all i can do is wait until iv hit my max point of waiting and go from there… ..p.s. his parents are together and happy but he is a baby in his mothers eyes….i believe is one of the mayjor prob with him not being ready. He thinks hes still to young!
Post # 14
vintagestef wrote a GREAT post last week as far as learning to be happy while waiting. It might be worth reading if you’re feeling frustrated about things…hopefully the link works!
Post # 15
@irish bee: im sorry to hear this but im going to give you a lil help … it got my SO to have the timeine convo…. 1st def talk to him about the situstion.. remain calm dont cry or slap him i know it can be hard.. then take action.. be busy … unavalible new hair style undies perfume go out with your friends he will noticed dont answer his phone the 1st time he calls most men want what they cant have, they really dont want anothher man around “their woman” this wil give him a lil innocent motivation *giggle*
Post # 16
+1 to previous comments.
Waiting is hard. I know. I’m going on five years.
Sometimes it takes a little longer depending on situations. Have the chat with him so you can pinpoint the reasons he feels he is not ready. Accept what he says. Establish a time where you two can talk about it again.
In the meantime, take care of you. Remember why you are with him and love him.