(Closed) Advice please

posted 9 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
685 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It’s tough dealing with the opinions and emotions of parents when it comes to their children’s weddings.  Here’s the thing, short of expressing how you truly feel about having a smaller wedding, I think you really have no other options but to bow down and consider what she would like to see for the wedding.  It’s very true that once parents are financially involved, you will lose the freedom of planning.  I don’t blame them, imagine forking over that much money…wouldn’t you want to do things your way?

Have a heart to heart with her, tell her exactly how you feel.  Be firm with her when it comes to making decisions.  If you really don’t like the invitations, say so and try to compromise.

On a bit of a sidenote: you should be very lucky to have parents who are willing to contribute so much financially. 

Post # 4
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

We haven’t had a bit of money stress during the entire process (14 months and counting). I attribute it to my parents giving us $x and saying that anything over that would be at our own expense, anything under and we could keep the difference. This is what many of their friends did and it has worked out well in every instance.

I asked my mom which elements she wanted a say in and then took over the rest. By doing this we’ve had a relatively flawless process. The only time I had to remind her about the budget was in the first couple of months when she fell in love with a $4500 gown. I asked her if she was going to buy that on top of the budget. She said no. I found the exact dress from a shop sample on ebay for $125.

FI’s parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner and have 100% control over that (thank goodness cause I couldn’t handle another thing on my plate!)

Post # 6
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Wow, are we related to the same mom? Mine does stuff like this a lot.

What finally helped was pulling out a budget worksheet and seeing what money we had for what (according to the percentages), then finding something that suited both of us. If she wants engraving, see if your sister can’t print out the invitation on an inkjet on the “best” setting, throw some engraving powder on it and heat it up–if it works, then you can compromise, use cream cardstock and bam, you’ve got your invites.

I think a lot of reasons everyone involved with weddings shuts things down so often is because they don’t think about what the final look will be like. Like, for instance, could your sister also design labels/tags for favors, programs, table numbers, menus, signs, etc that all fall within the same scheme? You might tell your mom that would look more professional than mismatched details, and she might start to see it your way.

I wish you lots of luck and finally–I hope that you get some semblance of the wedding you want while keeping in perspective that you can just be so happy you’re marrying the man of your dreams! (Also, a reminder to never do that to your own daughter, if you should have one someday!)

Post # 7
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Oh, I should also add, you should sit down and talk to her upfront about giving you a chance to explain every idea before she shuts it down. I’ve never talked back to my mom, but when she started going crazy and shutting down my colors, ideas, etc, I said “Excuse me?” or I’d shoot her a look–and it brought her back down to earth. She said a lot of things without thinking at first, and now that she’s come back down to earth, we’re having a much easier time helping each other instead of warring over details!

Post # 8
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Wow, this sounds like it’s your Mom’s wedding.  When do you take control? Does she always tell you what to do? 

It sounds like you have 2 issues tightly wound together.  One, your Mom is controlling your wedding? Two, you can’t decide on wedding invites because of budgeting issues. While I can’t help with the first issue. I can make suggestions for the second one.

 Is she computer savvy?  Maybe if you show her Weddingbee, she can see that “DIY” and “inexpensive” can still be chic and look good.

Post # 9
Member
2205 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t know that you’ll be able to convince her about the DIY projects until you’ve completed something and can show her it works.  Maybe find a small DIY project to show her, or have her help you with.  I found that my DIY projects were somet of the most fun family and friend bonding times!  I loved having the excuse to have people over all the time, and everyone was so willing to help!

I would also ask to sit down with your parents (after you’ve carefully prepared this)a dn show them a possible budget, aski them what they think and tweak from there.  They may need some help understanding the cost of weddings, and where the money is best divided (there are lots of helpful tools, expeciallyt he knot budgets that explain an average percentage of your budget should be spent on particualr items like food, attire, photographer, etc.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I think that a big problem for parents is that when they want to contribute money to their children’s weddings, they think that they can make the decisions. Somehow I got lucky and my mom already knows that the money is just a gift for me and I can spend it how I’d like. I think you should talk to her about this, show your appreciation, ask for her opinions, but in the end do what makes you happy.

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