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Things won't change if you get married. Take a step back and enjoy your youth. You should be able to go out with friends without him breathing down your neck. It's not normal. I don't want to stir the pot, but a lot of times extreme jealousy leads to domestic abuse. I'd be careful with this dude.
a few things about this: you got engaged about 5 months into your relationship, and this could just be his true colors revealing themselves. things WILL NOT change when you get married, if anything, they will get more intense then. extreme jealousy is not normal or okay in a relationship - TRUST is.
i think asking for a break is an excellent move, and i would be honest with him about all of the reasons why. good luck with everything.
This is not what a healthy relationship looks like. It's just not. Maybe, if he's willing to acknowledge the problem and work on it, it could become a healthy relationship someday. But if he's not willing to actually put in some work to make things better (by which I mean going to counselling together, etc, not just apologizing and making vague promises to be better in the future) you need to cut your losses now.
Run. You are 21. That is far too young to be tied down in a marriage to a person you're unsure about.
Thanks, ladies. He is a great guy, and I know he would NEVER hurt me physically in any way, shape, or form---but he is just overbearing sometimes. He has changed quite a few things I have asked him to in the past, and I know he would be an excellent father and an excellent husband. Do you think relationship counselling is too much to do?... Im not crazy, I promise...we just FIGHT SO MUCH over dumb stuff!
Re-read your post. Nothing you told us points to you being in love with this guy - all your comments on him were negative. A broken engagement will be infinitely less traumatic than a divorce.
i'm with the others. run. quickly.
i know you don't want to hear/believe it because i didn't when i was 21, but you're young. really.
I know I love him, I just dont know if I am IN love with him, I guess. He has been all I've known over the past 6 or 7 months. It will be hard to end it.
I think good counseling is always a plus. My DH and I did premarital counseling with our Pastor and it was GREAT!
His jealousy is something to take as concern though. generally that in particular get worse after the i do's and as sensitive as someone may be/seem it tends to come out violently at some point... if not physically, then verbally, emotionally, and mentally (which having experienced all these kinds of abuse I can say that mental & emotion are WAY worse than physical)
Unfortunately jealousy is not something that can be fixed from the outside (you or a counselor) but has to be totally recognized by himself and he has to want to treat you differently than that.. see you differently.. and know that it's an issue IN him that's the problem not the outside circumstance that aggravates it.
I would spend alot of time in prayer and praying for his heart to be restored from whatever it is that has caused that in him. And I would DEFINITELY re-consider marriage at this point b/c as long as he is in the condition he's in he's not in the right condition for marriage and it's better to hold off, get prepared/go another direction than get married, abuse each other in your fighting, and then get divorced/live miserably.
It only gets harder not easier so if you're fighting this much less than a year in it doesn't bode well. It may hard to end it now but it will be much much worse if you get married/have kids. Leave now.
Relationship counseling is too much at 21. You are 21. You are supposed to be having FUN being young; that is just too much for a young relationship. He might make SOMEONE a great husband one day- I just don't think it's you.
We're not meant to marry every person we date. They come around to teach us some lessons, teach us how to be better partners, and give us a better idea of what kind of relationship we want and what we DON'T want. Please don't burden yourself with counseling and the stress of this relationship at such a young age. I'm grateful I dated every guy I did in my teens and college years but believe me, I'd be miserable if I were married to any of them right now. And there's no way in hell I'd have given up years where I could do what I wanted with only myself to answer to by being in RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING.
This isn't true love. You are young, take your time, you will find it. There is no need to rush. When you find it you will know (and won't have to ask other people online if they think it is right).
(Trust me- this is great advice- it is the same advice I didn't take when I got engaged at 22- which only lead to a broken heart)
He may be a great guy- but that doesn't mean he is the only graet guy out there, and it doesn't mean he is the right guy for you.
I think you know in your heart that this is not the guy you should marry. Now you just have to have the courage to do what is right for you. Trust me - it will be SO much better once you've ripped the band-aid off, so to speak, rather than letting it drag out or god forbid marrying the wrong person.
Wow. Run far, far away. These are hallmark signs of a future of abuse, emotional and physical.
You marry the man you meet at the end of the aisle, you cant expect him to ever change from that day forward. You two are still young, maybe take this as example of slowing things down?
Jealousy to me is a combination of immaturity and insecurity. Talk about it. Reassure him. He's the one witht he issue, not you. But work through it WITH him! =) Best of Luck!
he sounds incredibly controlling and like he doesn't trust you at all-- i definitely would not want to be in a marriage like that.
@sunshine402: Honestly 6-7 months is the blink of an eye when you compare it to an entire life time.
He sounds horribly insecure, over jealous, and unmotivated. He also sounds like he doesn't support you in your attempt to improve yourself (schooling) and he's hyper sensitive you you interacting with other men.
What would he do if your boss was a male? Or your coworker was a male? And you had to take phone calls from them after hours or work closely with them? If your DREAM job required you to travel a lot for work, would he support you? Or claim you "never make time for him" or "don't love him enough"?
Abuse is not just physical, it can be mental/emotional too.
You can try counseling, but from your initial post, I see no reason why you'd want to be with this guy. You are VERY young and people change a lot throughout their teens.
FI and I started dating at 19/20 and we did not get engaged until we'd been together 6 1/2 years. It took us a while to mature and really learn about each other and feel 100% confident making the commitment to be together forever.
@KatNYC2011: true that!! =) We started dating at 17/18 and thankfully we waited almost 8 years to get married! If you love each other, you two have all the time in the world to get married!
@sunshine402: I have to agree that he is very controlling and overbearing and it will only get worse. This is not a healthy relationship and I think, deep down, you know that. As others have said, you have the rest of your life ahead of you and 21 is too young to be dealing with this.
OMG. Nononono... he sounds EXACTLY like my first bf. Over jealous, controlling, made me feel guilty for talking to other guys. I started dating him senior yr in HS, and my freshman year in college. Of course as a freshamn, you are going to make new friends. Oh no, not if he could help it. I was a commuter and he would come every break I had just to make sure I couldnt hang out with other people/0guys. He saw me talkign to a guy once leaving class and he gave me the third degree about him. He accused me of cheating when I never did and told me no one could ever love me like he did. I finally got smart enough to leave 2 years into it... and oh yes, he loved me so much that he started dating my then best friend whom I had known since I was 4 2 weeks later. This is not healthy or love...
Just my honest, brutal opinion: boyfriends like this only exist so you don't date the same asshole twice. Learn your lesson, take heed and move on--QUICK. You're so young, you don't need to be pushed around like this--live your life on your terms.
Oh wow. This reminds me so much of a guy I dated when i was in my early 20's. He would blow up at me for little things, accused me of cheating and was suspicious of EVERY guy I talked to. He was very controling and as much as I tried to make it work it didn't. Jealously is a terrible thing. If you are having second thoughts have a long engagement and see how it works out but listen to your gut. If something doesn't feel right trust your instinct.
Life is too short to be with jealous, insecure, delusional guys. He doesn't like you talking to other men? He's uncomfortable with you being in the same STADIUM as someone you once had a crush on? Think about that, objectively. He's never going to be good marriage material. By staying with him you're only rewarding his behavior.
This is not a healthy relationship. The more he gets jealous, the more you are going to want to pull away. You are not going to want to live your life walking on eggshells. Marriage will not improve the situation. You really do not sound happy. You should be with someone who trusts you, supports you, and makes you feel good about your life.
Thanks for all the advice, ladies! We are having a long engagement---I am having heart surgery next year, and we are waiting till after that to get married. Plus, with school and such, it gets hard trying to plan a surgery/wedding/and graduation. I just told him today that I need a break, and he said he is willing to change because he doesnt want to lose me. He has already lightened up w/the jealousy thing, it's just he always whines about how I "dont show him enough affection"...I am just NOT an affectionate person. :/ He always says "I feel like you dont love me as much as I love you"
@sunshine402: I'm glad you two talked and he said he wants to change. Just remember, actions speak louder than words. And something like this can't change overnight, no matter how much he may want to change. It sounds like he's insecure (his comments of "I feel like you don't love me as much as I love you".
@sunshine402: I am so thankful that I DIDN'T marry the guy I was dating when I was 21! He was a great guy, but it just never felt completely right. From day one, I felt like I had to rationalize and defend why we were together...because, deep-down, I knew we weren't meant to be. If you're asking questions about your relationship 6-7 months in, you will be asking the same questions 4 years from now.
You said, "I know if I told him I didnt want to marry him, he would be DEVASTATED. Truth be told, I dont even know if I want to now." I am glad that you two are planning on having a long engagement, because honestly, I think you need to take some time to get to know yourself better, and learn what YOU want. If you end the engagement, he may be devastated, but ultimately, he will get over it, and you will have saved yourself a lifetime of regret.
"He is so sensitive, everything I do or say hurts his feelings somehow, and he ALWAYS is thinking about something and wants to have a talk. I can't live like this, and Im afraid that if we get married, things wont change. What do you think? I am thinking of asking him for a break, and just resting and being by myself for a little while." <- Please, TELL him (don't ask, because you never need permission to do what's best for yourself) that you need a break, and let his actions and your feelings while you're on the break enlighten you as to how you need to proceed.
Yes, you are young, but you're no dummy :) You will make the best choice for yourself. Best wishes!
ETA: I just read that you asked him for a break, and he's promising to change... Stick to your guns and remain on the break. He may promise you everything under the sun, but ultimately, you need to take time for yourself, and he needs to respect and honor that time. Encourage him to take some time for self-reflection, too. Sounds like he needs to figure himself out as well.
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Hi bees,
First of all...I apologize for the length of this, but I am going through some rough patches and need some advice. I am only 21 years old, as is my fiance. We have been engaged since February, and before that we had been dating since August 2010. we have went to school together, were always friends in school, and then re-connected about 3 yrs after high school and went from there. My problem is, I just dont know if this is the right thing or not. for starters, John is a jealous guy, for instance there was a concert lately, and it was one of my favorite bands. One of my OTHER guy friends (I think John knew I used to have a crush on him, Im not sure though) posted a comment on my facebook page saying "Hey, you going to that concert?" (the old friend and I have always loved this band, and the old friend is in college 3-4 hrs away, and we never talk.) well John saw it, and started giving me greif about it. He decided he wanted to go too. John a)HATES ths band, b)had to work that night, so I told him that'd be stupid. He says "I want to like what you like", but I know that he just wanted to be there in case my old friend was there. He was going to pay 25 dollars, miss work, just to go "keep an eye on me" so to speak. Money is tight for John right now, old friend lived 3-4hrs away and he likely wouldnt be there, so I told him to stay.That brought up fights for a MONTH, so I decided I wasnt gonna go. anyway....Laura, my best friend, texted me the night before the show and was like "I got an extra ticket, PLEASE come!" b/c we never see each other b/c of our hectic schedules. so I decided "why not?" b/c I NEVER see her, I love the band, and the ticket was free for her (she was w/the event, and I would have had to pay 25.00 for my ticket) so that caused a huge fight, but I brushed it off and went to the show. we got there and Laura's boyfriend was there, and when John asked me who all was there, I told him that Marcus, Laura's bf, was there too and John FLIPPED. said things like "I THOUGHT THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A GIRLS NIGHT, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE STABBED IN THE BACK?!?!" "I WANTED TO GO AND YOU WOULDNT LET ME, BUT LAURA LET HER BOYFRIEND GO!" blah blah blah. anyway....old guy friend didnt even show (he had texted me once or twice asking if I was going, but I didnt respond back b/c John doesnt like for me to talk to other guys.) that's not even the worst of it... we fight all the time. He says all the time "you dont love me like I love you"....he is a very sensitive guy, and I am not as sensitive as he is. He doesnt forgive easily, and I want to forgive and forget, and move past things. I am his first girlfriend, his first EVERYTHING. I was the first person he did ANYTHING with, besides kiss. That has put us at a disadvantage I think, because he dotes on the fact that I have been w/other guys, etc. We are just always arguing about SOMETHING, and I dont really need the drama because I am in school and can't focus all of my time and attention on him. he isn't in school, he just works, so he has a lot more free time than I do. He gets upset when I cant do things, for example, I had finals this week....I told him FRIDAY NIGHT we could do something Satur DAY so I could spend Sat night at home studying, he said okay. We met up at like 12 on saturday and spent ALLLL day doing things for our Mothers b/c of Mom's Day,and so Saturday around 7:30 (a whole 7 1/2 hours!) I told him I needed to get home. He proceeded to roll his eyes and complain that I "never make time for him"....I am just at a loss. I know if I told him I didnt want to marry him, he would be DEVASTATED. Truth be told, I dont even know if I want to now. He is so sensitive, everything I do or say hurts his feelings somehow, and he ALWAYS is thinking about something and wants to have a talk. I can't live like this, and Im afraid that if we get married, things wont change. What do you think? I am thinking of asking him for a break, and just resting and being by myself for a little while.