(Closed) ADVICE please… age old single but with someone but not allowed to bring them

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll:
    am i being stupid here : (32 votes)
    76 %
    is this being cheap? : (6 votes)
    14 %
    does this single out engaged/married people versus those who are not? : (4 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 3
    5498 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    Ettiqutte says that your gf doesn’t have to be invited unless your are living together or have been dating at least 6 months. When is the wedding? if it’s still awhile off, I would relax for a bit since you said in so many words that it’s not serious just yet. = )

    Post # 4
    1403 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I can see how the couple’s choice would serve to single you out.  However, if they’re on a budget, they do have to draw the line somewhere.  For sure they can’t invite a married person and not their spouse.  Also, for sure they can’t let everyone bring their random friends that the couple may or may not know very well.  You fall right in the middle of those two extremes, so it really just depends on where they had to draw the line.

    Some people would advise in this situation that you should write your girlfriend’s name on the invitation anyway, and the couple will tell you if there’s a problem with that.  But I disagree with this practice, because it puts the couple in a really tough spot.  You could call them, and ask if they’ve had some declined invitations yet, and if so, would there be room for you to bring your girlfriend?  If they say no, then oh well.  🙁  I hope that helps!

    Post # 5
    610 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    For our wedding, we are not inviting singles.  Meaning anyone that is technically single will have “plus guest”  It’s their choice whether they would like to invite someone.  Even my 18 and 20-year-old cousins with have this option (I believe anyone 18+ earns their own invite, even if they still live at home).  I would hope they wouldn’t bring someone that they had only had a couple of dates with, but I’m not going to stress about that.  I feel singles often are given the short-stick at weddings (from my experience).  It can be darned uncomfortable attending a wedding alone.

    I understand being miffed, but you need to respect the bride and groom.  Take it as a learning moment for your own wedding. 

    Post # 6
    7779 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Um. I’m one of those brides that cracked down on +1s. It wasnt meant to be rude or to singel anyone out, it was done because we wanted to keep the list small and we only wanted to invite people we knew. It’s a non-issue for us because those friends that are single all know each other, so no one will be standing around awkwardly.

    Im sorry, but I wouldn’t have invited your Girlfriend of 3 months either. We drew the line at engaged/living together.

    Post # 7
    318 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    If you are not comfortable going alone (and I understand, I wouldn’t be), you can:

    1.  Move your girlfriend in prematurely and then she will qualify (not a serious suggestion, but as someone who dated her Fiance for 4+ years prior to engagement and STILL doesn’t live with him, I think the engaged or living together rule is crap)

    2.  Decline (possibly with a note that you wish them the best but are uncomfortable attending alone and if a space opens up to let you know, but that otherwise you understand and hope they have a great day.)

    3.  Attend the ceremony only as that is less ackward for singles and then leave (and RSVP as such so they don’t pay for a meal your not there for.) 

    Post # 8
    1222 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @zippylef: Glad I’m not the only one. We really had to draw the line somewhere. We have single friends but did not give them a +1. Besides not having the room, we would rather spend the money on people we know. And like you, our single friends know eachother so hopefully it’ll be a non-issue as well.

    Post # 9
    272 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    Their wedding = their rules. Unfortunately for our wedding guests if you were not related to us and if both of us did not know you…you weren’t invited. So hubby’s friend’s on-again-off-again girlfriend of six months…. not invited (along with some others). I barely knew the girl prior to this day so why do I want to pay for her dinner and drinks on my wedding day?

    Sorry the cookie didn’t crumble in your favor for this wedding but I hope you can still enjoy your friend’s marriage and celebrating with your other friends.

    Post # 10
    170 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    My Fiance was put in a similar situation last year.  He was in a wedding 10 hours away and I was not invited.  That was OK, we had been dating about a year and I knew them both but we weren’t engaged yet.  Weddings are expensive right?

    We came to find out later that the only married groomsman’s (who also had to travel 10 + hours) wife was not invited either.  But the bride let all of her friends bring +1s to the rehearsal dinner and the ceremony/reception regardless of whether they were dating someone or not.  That was the epitome of tackiness to me…but we took the high road and I’m glad we did.  Fiance performed his wedding-ly duties that weekend and came back.  We’re inviting everyone with a +1 to our wedding, and of course, inviting his friend and his new wife, even though neither of us like her (we didn’t like her before the wedding…she’s extremely judgemental).  I may sit her at a table of people we don’t like or at a table by herself though…eh, I probably won’t even do that but boy, do I wish I could!

    There’s nothing inherently wrong with what that couple did…if they drew the line at engaged and all your friends are engaged it sucks, but that’s what they chose to do.  If you were one of the few singles though, I find it interesting that they wouldn’t just give you the +1.  We only have a few friends who aren’t engaged, which is why we thought we should give everyone a date.

    Like a PP said, you can learn from this experience and invite +1s to your wedding.  If you still decide to go dateless to this wedding, I hope you still have a great time!

    Post # 11
    806 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I know many feel differently.  But OP, I agree with you that it’s not in the best of taste to not let you bring your Girlfriend when you’re “older” (beyond the post college party years, at the stage where everyone is settled down) and everyone else you know there will be with their partner.  That has to be awkward, and it would have been gracious of the hosts to take that into consideration. I know lots of people will say… but they can’t afford the guests… but in my opinion, part of being a good hostess is making everyone feel comfortable and welcome.  The ideal best case scenario is for the couple to budget their wedding choices taking this into account.  If they don’t, they should realize there may be some hurt feelings and annoyance on the part of singles who have a BF/GF but are invited alone.

    My Fiance and I aren’t so young ourselves (29/34) and many friends are married already.  But we invited all single friends “with guest” – I would appreciate the option if I were in their shoes.

    That said, the bride and groom aren’t **technically** in the wrong by not extending you a plus one, so not much you can do.  You just have to decide how annoyed you are, and how much of a wedge it would put into your relationship with the b&g for you to not be there.

    Post # 12
    100 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    I may be reading a lot into this, but the first thing to pop into my head is that you were probably single when the invitation list was made up. You said you’ve been dating your gf for only three months, so the invitations were probably designed and printed when you’d been seeing each other a matter of weeks at the latest. If you want to, call up your buddy and ask him once if you can bring your gf. If he says no, either abide by his rules or decline the invitation.

    Post # 14
    3219 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    I am only giving 1+’s to people who live with their SO, are engaged or married.

    We are having a small reception and I don’t want random flavors of the months in pictures. If we gave everyone 1+’s we wouldnt be able to have people WE really want there.

    Post # 15
    1510 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I’m a firm believer in that if you invite someone who isn’t married and over the age of 21, they should be allowed to bring a guest and it doesn’t matter if that guest is their sibling, their serious boyfriend/ girlfriend or even just a friend.

    The whole point of a wedding is to celebrate your marriage with your friends and family.  This also includes making sure that your friends and families have a wonderful time.  Not everyone is going to know each other and allowing your people to bring a guest is just common courtesy, in my opinion.  For weddings where guests are traveling across the country to attend, I think its especially important to invite them with a guest. 

    I know I will get a lot of backlash from this, but I am a firm believer in making sure that everyone feels comfortable and enjoys themselves.  I would rather have my wedding at place where I could afford to invite everyone +guest than where it was too expensive to invite non married friends +guest.

    Post # 16
    10367 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I think that their +1 rule is completely reasonable. 3 months does not a serious relationship make, and there could be many reasons for them not giving you a plus one. Keep in mind that this policy effects all the invited couples – a +1 times 20 people, for example, is probably several thousand dollars in added cost. Whether you think that is “too expensive” or not is not your decision to make. Additionally, they may simply not want to dilute their guest list with people they don’t know (we are having a small wedding, and did not give +1s to people dating people we’ve never met). You know many of the other people at the wedding really well, so it isn’t as though you’ll be sitting in a corner by yourself. Try and remember that this wedding is not about you – it’s about the couple.

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