Weddingbee boards

This is going to be really long so I apologize.

a while back I agreed to be in a friends wedding. I met this girl when I was about 18 because she's been my hairstylist. We became friends in our early 20s (21).  I mean can you really say no to someone who says, "So... you're the friend I've had the longest, and I know that you're wedding is the 26th, and we've picked the 6th, but you're like a sister to me and I really want you to be in my wedding"??  

Late last month a massive group email went out to the 10 bridesmaids so that plans could be made to plan for the shower. We meet. Prior to the meeting I emailed her 3 maids of honor and asked about the budget/funding all these events. I was told there is no budget. 

So I attend the meeting to plan the shower and found out what the brides wants.  The bride wants a Sex and the theme bridal shower. Which for just the food alone (no cake, no apps, no drinks, not decorations, favors, prizes) its $150/girl. When you add in the 'extras its roughly 350/bridesmaid. Thats just for the shower. For the bachelorette party, she wants a limo & a night at a hotel. Again another 200/per girl. 

After mulling this over in my head, I knew that there was no way that I could afford to be in the wedding (the bride wants specific $$ shoes, we need to buy our own jewelry & the bride would prefer that we get our hair and make up done) let alone pay for the bridal shower/bachelorette party. 

I called the bride and explained that I can't afford it. There is no way with our weddings being so close, can I be a good bridesmaid and be able to contribute what the other girls would be. So she got sort of upset, but told me she'd call me the next day with a decision. 

The bride called and told me she'd be willing to pay for my stuff. Which makes me really uncomfortable. I don't feel right having her paying for her own shower, and the fact that she told her mom and the 3 MOHs really kinda bothers me. She told me to call her when I got back. I left the following day for my sisters destination wedding.

I've  been back for a week and I've still not called the bride because I just feel weird about the whole situation.  Everyone I know is telling me to get out because its so $$$$ ( I didn't spend nearly as much on my sister's shower, and can't justify spending that much on a friend) and that its so close to my wedding, that I won't be able to enjoy it. I spoke to my FI, family, friends, and even my wedding planner who are all saying the same thing. You just need to tell her its too much. 

I know that when I tell her that its probably going to end our friendship.Especially since I'm thinking of going somewhere else to get my hair done for my wedding day. And to me I guess its fine. I'm getting ready to move after my wedding, and I don't really feel that we've been close for the last 5 or so years. We were when we were younger ages 21-26 where we partied alot. But she's kept on partying and I stopped to go back to school and get a doctorate. We havne't really hung out very much, and its been strained when we have. 

So I don't know what to do. I feel bad bowing out, but when  I 1st accepted my role of bridesmaid, I explained to her I'd be at what I could but with our weddings being so close together I wasn't sure what all I could do. And that I'm a student and I live at roughly 133% of the poverty level.

I'm so torn. I didn't have any idea how stressful planning a wedding was, so when I accepted I had no idea it be like this. So I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Just call her as soon as possible and tell her that you'll have to back down. You haven't done anything wrong, but maybe by waiting a week (which I totally understand, I'm horrible at these things and probably would put off calling too) to call, she may be annoyed with you more. Hopefully everything will work out and maybe you'll still be friends. Good luck and I'm sorry this is stressing you out so much.

PS: That's a lot of money to me, I know there are tons of budgets out there, but I would never imagine it would be that high for the shower, esp divided up between 10 women, so I think you have very valid reasons to bow out.

You need to call her and let her know that while you appreciate her offering to pay your share that you don't feel it is fair for her to have to pay for her shower/ bach party and that you will just be bowing out of the wedding party.  If you don't feel this friendship is going to continue for very much longer then you might as well cut the last few strings now and not worry about it. 

Thanks to all the bees who replied. I figured I would let you know how things turned out. 

I called the bride last night and tried to talk to her about my concerns. Explaining that I felt bad that I don't have the $ to contribute the way the other bridesmaids do.  And that makes me feel bad. I talked to her about an email that her sister sent out regarding budget and not wanting people to feel pinched. The bride told me I was the only one who was worried about money (most likely because I'm the only one who doesn't work since I'm finishing up an advanced degree). 

About 20 minutes after we got off the phone, I got an exceptionally nasty email from one of her MOHs. That was basically my breaking point. I knew that I couldn't be a good bridesmaid, in the way a bridesmaid should. I knew I couldn't help with making the favors, or tying ribbons on the invites and doing all the other bridesmaid style duties, because I'll be doing it for my own wedding. That I was getting more and more stressed out, worrying about paying for her wedding and all things relating to it, while worrying about how I'll be paying my rent, and other regular expenses. I knew that no matter what I would be the 'bad bridesmaid' who was totally money conscious, or had to handle her own wedding. 

So after the email I felt that was the tipping point. I called the bride and explained to her that I can't be a bridesmaid. I didn't tell her about the email that I got from her MOH. That while I wanted to and really thought I could be a BM, its just too much. That I don't feel right taking money from a friend, that I know I could never pay back.  I tried to explain it the best I could, but I certainly got flustered. The conversation didn't end well, but I didn't really expect it too. 

I still have some mixed emotions about the whole thing. If I could go back and do this over, I would have said no from the get go. I truly and honestly had no idea about how much work planning a wedding is. 

@Beekiss2, & Nola, - you were right. I knew in my gut that it wouldn't work.

@Natakie16, Fontgoddess, futureMrs.L, Mrs.Meowerson- thank you for reaffirming my thoughts about the budget for the shower/bachelorette party.  What FML said really hits home, its not fair for the brides to dictate what we want for a shower, especially since its not mandatory to do this in the 1st place. 

@fmcassity,  daisylynn & hope1275 -  thank you for your feedback as well. I'm sure that there are/will be hurt feelings. 

@PinkPinStripes- thank you too. I have always been taught money and friendships don't mix. 

Again thanks to everyone for their replies and feedback. 

Good (that you're not a BM anymore, not how it ended). I'm sorry it did not go as smoothly as it should have, but please just delete that email and don't dignify it with a response (who does that?!). Good luck with your wedding and I hope you feel 100 pounds lighter without all this stress!

@PinkPinStripes -- I'm expecting a few more to be honest. However, my plan is to follow the rule of 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all'. 

Thanks again bees!

@ PinkPinStripes-- you're probably right. I am sure there are lots of emotions running high right now, and I can understand that.  However, I truly believe that I did the right thing for me. 

@ Natakie16- I'm definetely planning on taking the high road regarding the MOH email (and any other emails that I may get). While I'm sad the friendship is likely over, I finally feel like I get to enjoy MY wedding planning now. 

@Shaydenise-- Thanks for your reply. I know that my BM (just my 2 sisters) have asked and  I've just been saying, keep it low key, and low cost.  

@Fontgoddess-- You're right. The worst is over. I am excited to really focus on my wedding and work with my planner to make my day great. 

Again thanks to all you bees and your help!