Advice Please: DH's Friends ALWAYS Over

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

LittlePumpkin:  I don’t anything wrong with not stocking the fridge or cabinets over the weekend.  Start doing the shopping on Monday so there isn’t much left by the weekend.  Take anything you don’t want them to eat and put it away in your bedroom closet so they don’t have access to it.  Address the food issue directly with your husband as well because he probably doesn’t realize they are raiding his cabinets now that he has a wife to keep them full.

Then you need to speak to your husband about boundaries, specifically how often you are okay with his friends coming over (this is going to be a tough conversation if he always had them over before you got married but now that you’re married you want that to change.)  Also, make sure he knows you expect him and his friends to clean up after themselves and that he will be expected to clean up whatever they leave behind.  I would also make sure he knows that I plan to make a few polite requests of his friends reminding them to clean up after themselves.  If his friends are older than 25 they know better and are just taking advantage of your “hospitality” until you put your foot down.

Post # 4
Member
7203 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

LittlePumpkin:  Yikes. Not normal and not cool. 

I think you need to have a talk to him and agree on a limit. e.g. one day every 2 weeks (maybe 1 day every week), and a limit of X hours (e.g. a 6 hour limit, so either 12 noon to 6pm or 6pm to midnight, but not noon to midnight). And after that day *he* cleans up (especially around the toilet) and buys new food.

Once you agree on your limits, make it clear that you will enforce it (i.e. ask guests to leave) if he will not.

Post # 5
Member
1627 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This is going to make you very unpopular,  but nag the friends. Your husband doesn’t seem to care so he isn’t going to solve the issue.  Take it directly to his friends.  They start going into your kitchen, block them.  This is not your house, please stay in the living room.  They finish a beer. Quickly tell them to place the can in the trash can. As soon as one goes to the bathroom,  check it out.  If it’s untidy tell the person they made a mess and in this house they need to clean up. Your house will no longer be fun.  When you get push back from your husband explain how his friends put a whole in your budget and make a mess.  You want to feel at home in your j house and they don’t make it so when they are around. 

Post # 6
Member
2087 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

aussiemum1248:  excellent suggestion. OP you’re a saint for dealing with this as well as you have…would never fly at my house! 

Post # 7
Member
7203 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

aussiemum1248:  It’s too late to edit my above post, but I think it’s better to make clear that you will enforce limits if he does not, as part of the discussion. (Not spring it on him afterwards, as said above).

Post # 8
Member
5012 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

LittlePumpkin:  Does your DH have a job? Why do you pay for all the food?

I would suggest to him the next time they come, order a pizza and have everyone chip in $5 for it. Don’t keep drinks/alcohol around, or put them away when friends come so they have to bring their own.

I think you need to talk to your DH about how much this bothers you. He may not know. I would set boundaries in terms of how often they can come. If you have to be up at 5 am, they have to be out by 9. They can come over one weekend night, etc. Really, you just need to talk to your DH. 

Post # 9
Member
52 posts
Worker bee

LittlePumpkin:  i have this EXACT SAME ISSUE.  My boyfriend’s friends (mainly just one friend) is just like this. he actually has the audacity to joke about how he’s our “third roommate” and tries to keep a toothbrush at my apartment (that my boyfriend lives in with me, but it’s 100% mine). I will try to be polite, but firm and text him “hey did you forget your toothbrush at my place?” just in case it was a mistake, but then he won’t respond to me at all. I threw it out. 

It is NOT your problem to deal with alone. Tell your husband that you like his friends and enjoy entertaining, but you feel that the line is being crossed when it comes to disrespecting your home. mention the candy wrappers, pee on the floor etc. and say, I want your friends to feel comfortable here, but not so comfortable that I have to clean up after them and they adopt the “what’s yours is mine” mantra. Say that you’ve tried to be patient, but you’re worried that the friends are not aware that they’re intruding and as they are his friends, he needs to be the voice for both of you on this issue. He needs to support you because you need to feel comfortable in your own home. Also explain that while it’s okay to provide meals etc. from time to time, you can’t afford to be feeding the whole village and that if food is going to be treated like common property, his friends need to show you both some respect and either replace it, or reciprocate. 

Does he seriously not even see a problem with this? 

Post # 10
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

 

LittlePumpkin: I understand where you’re coming from, because FI is also like that–he can’t fathom a day off where he DOESN’T hang out with people, and 90% of it time it’s at our place. In the beginning of our relationship it was really hard to deal with because he was always saying things like, “well, I haven’t seen Bobby in a week” and “if we’re going here for dinner, we should invite Sean! He lives close!” Worse than that, he would ALWAYS have people over and they would stay WAY too long–like, midnight, when I normally go to bed at 10:30, hahah. Because we live in a small one bedroom apartment it’s impossible to get away from the noise.

But all it really took was a decent conversation between us to clear up the issue. I sat down with him and explained that, because he had been hanging out with friends so much, we rarely had time alone together. I explained that I’m an introvert and even if I seem like I’m having fun and engaging as a good hostess when people come over, it drains my batteries, and that’s why I’m grumpy and miserable once they leave. We set ground rules–he can have people over one or two weekday nights as long as they’re gone by 11:00pm, and he can have people over one day a weekend as long as they’re gone by midnight, unless there’s special circumstances (he hosts for video game tournament streaming, and most of the time the tournaments run into the wee hours of the morning, but we’ve already discussed that ahead of time).

In terms of the food, I had to put my foot down about that, too. I explained that it’s totally fair to buy food for everybody ONCE IN A WHILE–it’s good hosting. However, in my books, if I go over to someone’s place regularly and they buy me food the first time, it’s my turn to cover dinner the next time. His friends weren’t getting that cue specifically BECAUSE he kept buying pizza, chinese, whatever for them everytime they came over. He was actually getting upset about it, so I suggested straight up saying the next time they were over, “you know, I’d love to get us something to eat like I usually do, but money’s really tight this month. Would any of you mind covering the bill this time?” And boom–they all stepped up and volunteered to buy dinner. Because of that one moment, they now all SPLIT the food bill whenever they come over.

… and I just realize I’ve typed a novel! But I think the key is being willing to openly communicate with your DH, and him with his friends. They need boundaries, and hopefully once he lays them out they’ll understand that their behaviour needs to change.

Post # 11
Member
245 posts
Helper bee

You definitely have more patience than me!! I understand you might no want to be the nagging wife/want to be the cool wife….but your husband sounds quite immature and disrespectful to have let this go on for so long. I am in no way saying that once you’re married you can’t have friends, BUT you also can’t continue to have the single life, especially when living with another person! I would be pretty hurt if FI never wanted to spend time with just me and thought it was ok to have friends over every weekend, when do you spend quality time together just both of you? & have any of his friends ever suggested having the ‘party’ at their place, if not then they sound like they’re freeloading and taking advantage of you and your free food and booze.

Post # 12
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

This would really make me angry if I were in your shoes!  Does your DH work at all?  Does he contribute to the household bills, etc.?  If I were you, I’d  A)  tell my DH that he has a SET budget each month for buying food/snacks/entertainment, etc. for hanging-out with his friends.  Once the money is gone, oh well he’s sh*t out of luck until the next month.  B)  Set some boundaries with my DH about how many weekends per month his friends are allowed to come over. They are ONLY allowed to come over on the designated weekends and the rest of the time, TOO BAD. 

It is obvious that your DH does not have the ability to set boundaries with his friends.  If you wait for him to finally get his act together, I fear you might be waiting for a looooonnnggg time while in the meantime, his friends will continue to come over and eat you out of your house!   While your DH is learning how to say “NO” to his friends and actually mean it, you will have to be the one with the strong backbone and you will have to begin enforcing these rules with your DH and make sure he sticks with them.

Post # 13
Member
602 posts
Busy bee

My husband had a friend like that. The guy lived with his parents at the time so he spent way too much time at our house to get away from them. It was fine for a little while because I really do like this guy but then it got old and I wanted him gone. That’s when I set him up with one of my close friends. They hit it off, got married and had a couple kids. Now we hardly ever see him which I’m fine with. I’ll take the 3-4 times p/year over a nightly occurance any day. 

If I were you, I would flat out tell my husband that shit needs to change. It’s your house too so he doesn’t get to solely call the shots. Compromise. Allow friends over one night p/week if he just HAS to hang out with them. Clean out your cabinets so there’s nothing that they want to eat, or add a select few items to your weekly grocery list for the friends night. Chips and salsa probably won’t break the bank. If they’re used to you and your husband footing the bill for pizza, put a stop to that. Your husband needs to stand up to his friends. These guys should be capable of understanding that you have forked over enough money in the past to feed and entertain them, so they can start pitching in. 

Post # 14
Member
266 posts
Helper bee

Time to set some grounds rules, personally I couldn’t handle friends coming over more than once a week it would be too much for me.  Also all of our friends know that at 12:00 a.m. its time to go home, my FI is ok with people staying over until all hours and he has a very difficult time saying no to people, so I just kind of set the ground rules myself and we’re both happy with it.

Post # 15
Member
2407 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

LittlePumpkin:  Wow I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this, I’d have lost it a long time ago, kudos to you for your self-control!  I don’t know what to say, except that he’s still a baby at only 24 years old, I’d be much more judgemental of him if he was older but at this point his brain is still developing.  My only advice would be to make sure you don’t enable him – stop the shopping and the cleaning on your own, he can come to the store with you and he can help you clean.  Make sure he picks up after his friends.  Hopefully he’ll figure out that having them over is more trouble than it’s worth, or at least he’ll make sure they respect your space.

Sometimes it’s tough because when we’re dating a guy it’s tempting to be the cool girlfriend who offers pizza and beer and suggests the boys come over whenever.  So we set the expectation in the relationship and then when we get married and we get tired of being the cool girlfriend, because honestly being the cool girlfriend can really suck, we find ourselves in a mess.  Understand that your husband probably has no idea you’re upset because things have been this way for years and he may not get that anything’s changed.  Explain it to him gently, it’s probably going to be a bit of a disappointent to him and although we as women think he ought to know better he probably doesn’t see it that way at all.  Good luck hon!!

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