Post # 1
Little background: We have an ongoing rule that whoever cooks dinner isn’t the one who cleans up. FH usually works 80 hours a week, but we both had the weekend off, which was busy. I worked an almost full day (left an hour or so early to pick up my car that was being worked on), while FH worked a half day. He spent the afternoon napping. When I got home, he said how tired he was. I was hungry and he told me he wasn’t up for cooking, and we’ve been spending way too much eating out, so I cooked a really nice dinner. He laid on the couch while I did this. During dinner, I asked him what he wanted to do tonight and he said probably sleep. I asked him if he was tired and feeling down or just tired (he looks the same either way) and he said both. I asked what was up and he said let’s move to the couch. Then when we got up, he put his own plate in the dishwasher, and he handed me the leftover vegetables to put away. I told him I would put away the bread, and he needed to get the press n seal, so he gets it and gives it to me once again. I nicely said, “remember our rule,” and he says loudly but not quite yelling, “I’m exhausted! Leave me the F*#$ alone!” I put the vegetables away and told him I was going downstairs. I left all the other stuff out. So irritated! This is not typical for him. I hate being mad, but I feel like he should be the one to apologize to me. Thoughts from you wise bees would be great!
Post # 3
FI gets cranky when he’s tired too. He’ll occasionally snap at me or be short. I try to let it go and just give him his space. Sometimes I’ll say to him the next day something like “You were really short and rude to me yesterday, are you feeling better today? You must have been really tired” and he might apologize but at least he knows he hasn’t gotten away with it 😉 We’re all entitled to our bad days, so just give him a bit of space and let him get a good night’s sleep, check in on him tomorrow and see if there’s something on his mind he needs to talk about. Guys aren’t like girls who will just pour it all out, he has to be ready to talk.
Post # 4
He may be grumpy and tired-cranky (we all get that way sometimes) but I’d be pretty upset if my husband talked to me like that! We have the same dinner clean-up rule, and we also have a rule of no swearing at each other or name-calling, no matter how upset or frustrated we get. We also call each other out immediate when the other gets snappy and cranky.
You mentioned that when you asked if he was tired or feeling down he said “both”? Did he elaborate or anything on his feelings? Have you guys discussed this any further?
I’m sorry you had a rough night. I certainly hope it (and his attitude toward you) improved!
Post # 5
Sometimes people do just get really tired and grumpy. Whats worse is that usually when I feel that way I am hungry but not in the mood to cook or clean up.
Ask him maybe that next time he doesn’t feel well he should just ask if you can handle the cooking and cleaning for one night and he’ll do it in return another night.
Being in a relationship shouldn’t be about keeping score.
Post # 6
Your rule is a good one; however, you stated that he is working 80 hours a week. Does that include travel time? I personally think that maybe you should give him more of a break. I know I wouldn’t be able to do anything if I worked 80 hours a week, except sleep.
Post # 7
I would be upset if he talked to me that way too but . . .
we don’t have any hard and fast rules. I would be a bit upset if my husband saw I was having a bad day and went ‘rules are rules, get up and clean up’. I know you’re probably exhausted too but sometimes it’s just best to let dishes soak in the sink and go and relax and comfort the FH.
Post # 8
I’m going to have to say that I also think the “rule” shouldn’t apply if he’s in a sour mood and works 80 hrs and feeling down. I think rules should be flexible…but he definately should apologize for yelling at you too. I hope he’s better and I’m sorry you had such a rought night. 🙁
Post # 9
I agree with the others. Keeping score is bad and reminding him (aka being Mommy) about “the rules” probably just aggravated him more. Whenever fiance is in a bad mood, I do what I can to help him feel better (or at the very least, not add to it). I would expect the same in return. There are some nights that I just don’t want to cook, and he will do it. Vice versa.
Post # 10
Honestly, I think I would let this one slide. Obviously something was on his mind and he was wanting to talk, so I can see why he had the anger outburst (although that doesn’t make it right). From an outsider looking in, I see a guy that’s working 80 hours a week. And honestly, if he’s keeping up his end of the deal during those 80 work weeks, then why get upset or annoyed about the one time he doesn’t do the dishes? Honestly, if I worked 80 works, was exhausted and just needed to rest one day, I’d probably lose my temper with my husband too….especially if my husband just asked me what’s wrong and then in the very same setting reminded me to do the chores. It’s like, “Uh, do you really want to know or do you want to pester me to make sure the chores get done?” You said this kind of behavior isn’t typical from your FI. If this was a one time occurance, I would try to forget the fact that he did have that outburst. Something is wrong and it would be easier to get to the bottom of it without being angry about the outburst.
Post # 11
yea i’m going to have to disagree with the above posters a bit…. i don’t think there is ever an excuse for him to act like that. at all. of course, i am often accused of being way too rational and not so emotional so i have a hard time empathizing with emotional people…
but regardless. if he spent half the afternoon napping then i wouldn’t really buy the whole “omg i’m so tired” spiel. you worked all day and cooked dinner, the least he can do is get off is ass and take care of the dishes. being cranky is never an excuse for bad behavior in my book.
Post # 12
@Corgi – I feel like ‘get off your ass and take care of the dishes’ attitude is just as emotional as ‘leave me the F alone’. Neither are great responses and I’d definately talk to him about the snappage. But people get sick and/or physically exhausted, that’s not emotional, that’s just how bodies work. Dishes aren’t more important than health.
Post # 13
Ok so his response is not warranted. However, I think he works an awful lot. Maybe you two need to sit down and adjust your chore duties to reflect both work schedules. We have that rule in our house too. It doesn’t seem to be working though. lol
Post # 14
Personally, I wouldn’t talk to him for days if he said that to me. On the homefront- we don’t have those rules- we just clean/cook etc. In fact if we’re cooking- it’s probably together and if we’re cleaning the kitchen, it’s probably a team effort- chores get finished faster with two people. I think rules like that make fights, especially with all that working. Do you think he resents it? Is it possible to find an alternative lifestyle to 80+ hours?
Post # 15
Hmm, That was really rude of him. My first thought was “omg! how rude, what a butthead! she should go tell him whats what.”
But I read some posts and although I don’t know what its like to work 80 hours a week (yikes!) I was pregnant lol, and there were MANY days at the end I was whining about being hungry, my FI made dinner…and I didn’t clean up afterward.. ‘Cause I was tired.
The way he spoke to you is unacceptable in my mind, cussing and being a little bit of a brat. He Could have just said “baby, I’m really tired i’ll get to it tomorrow. ” or etc.
So I would let him get his sleep, and tomorrow explain he was being a butt(however you want to word it) and it was really unnecessary. And I would hope he would apologize, and let it go.
I can see both sides, he’s cranky and tired, but he still doesn’t need to talk to you like that, for something so small.