(Closed) Advice please- Friend’s MOH isn’t helping with anything.

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
4765 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas

If I were you, I would contact the Maid/Matron of Honor and just let her know that the bride was planning on planning the shower herself and you are going to be taking over so that she doesn’t have to deal with it. From what it sounds like, the Maid/Matron of Honor hasn’t done anything and isn’t really planning to, so I doubt she would think that you “stole” it from her. If the bride is already planning on doing it all herself, I would think that you have every right to help her out with that!!!

Post # 4
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

i was recently in this situation (the moh was the bride’s older sister and kind of bitter that her sister was getting married first). her moh didn’t help with anything, and me and one of the other bridesmaids, along with the bride’s mom planned the shower and took over for the moh duties. we were there for everything she needed, up until and at the wedding. of course she was upset with her sister, but at least she was taken care of. that’s my only advice, do what you can do to help her out. it sucks that she has a sucky friend, but at least she has you!

Post # 5
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I definately think you should contact the Maid/Matron of Honor again. I would send out a group email saying “Bride is super stressed with wedding planning. I have offered to help with the shower, any ideas would be great.” Are there other bridesmaids as well or just you?

Post # 6
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think you are an amazing bridesmaid, and it is so great that you are going above and beyond to help your friend. It would be nice if the Maid/Matron of Honor did the same, but technically, all that you guys are required to do is buy a dress and show up. Just because you want to help with the details of planning, doesn’t mean the Maid/Matron of Honor necessarily will. I’ve gotten more help from my BMs than my Maid/Matron of Honor, and I am not at all disappointed because I don’t expect anything of them. 

As for the shower, I’m not sure why the bride started planning her own, especially if she was already stressed. She could just not have a shower, eliminating that stress completely. Plenty of brides don’t have showers – it’s not a requirement. If my BMs don’t do it, I certainly won’t be throwing myself a party. If you want to do it though, I think that would be really nice of you and you shouldn’t worry about the Maid/Matron of Honor thinking you stole her role. 

Post # 7
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think if anyone should speak to the Maid/Matron of Honor it is the bride (especially if you are worried that the Maid/Matron of Honor might feel that you are stealing her job).  Perhaps, since you are willing to throw the shower, the bride can tell the Maid/Matron of Honor that you are going to do it instead?   Since asking the Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t seem to be getting anyone anywhere, it seems that she will have to be told.  It may be that she is very busy and/or has things going on in her life but she doesn’t want to directly say that she can’t do it.  Also – does she ‘know’ this is supposed to be her duty?  I have been a bit suprised on WB because in my experience, BM/MOH do not do as many things as some brides here expect them to do, and they often do not throw showers in my area.  Perhaps she does not realize that the bride/rest of the bridal party has this expectation?  Sometimes people have different customs/traditions/expectations, and these are not always communicated well.

Post # 9
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’d take over the planning and just ask the bride to let the Maid/Matron of Honor know (also, ask her for a list of names/addresses/e-mails of people she’d like at the shower!). My Maid/Matron of Honor, my older sister, declared a few months ago she would not be doing anything at all for me or my wedding besides buying a dress and showing up. I’ve had to take over planning my bachelorette party (no stress there, as its months away yet) and all the rest of the stuff it’d be nice to have some help with.

Post # 10
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My Maid/Matron of Honor is also just putting on a dress and showing up.  My aunt and a bridesmaid are throwing my shower, and my other bridesmaid is taking care of my bachelorette party.  My Maid/Matron of Honor is my sister, which makes things harder.  It’s definitely disheartening, and I can sympathize with you and your friend.

Your bride is really lucky to have you as a ‘maid!  You sound like a great friend.

Post # 12
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I think that it would be a good idea to send out a group e-mail and give them a heads up that the bride is stressed, and ask about any ideas for her shower.  Maybe doing it that way will possibly get the Maid/Matron of Honor involved?  Otherwise, if you are able to, I think you should plan it! ๐Ÿ™‚

You sound like an AWESOME bridesmaid! I am having troubles with my own, and I might be planning my own shower and staggette, so I really admire how great of a bridesmaid you are!



Post # 14
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Sounds like you have it under control a little bit. I was going to say – I don’t know why the bride is planning her own shower now if her wedding isn’t until August? First of all, the shower is up to the brides friends to throw, it shouldn’t be organized by her or her family. Second, it’s kind of early to be organizing all the details if the wedding isn’t until August. I know that comment isn’t very helpful as the plans are already in motion, but something to consider as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.

Also, definitely get on the group email chain. You don’t have to be bossy, but send one out and just say that you want to introduce yourself since you don’t know the other girls. Tell everyone how you met the bride and that you’re excited to help with the planning. Let people respond, then bring up the shower. Just say that the bride is being a little unconventional and planning it herself mostly, but you would love to help out with decor, invitations, etc. and see who jumps in. The Maid/Matron of Honor might then step up and take charge, which will be a good thing. But if she doesn’t, at least you’ve unified everyone and let them know what’s going on, which is what the Maid/Matron of Honor should have done a while ago.

Post # 15
2719 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with what amanda.lynn said. Just let her know you’re taking over because the bride is getting stressed. She shouldn’t be planning a shower-friends and family are responsible.

@ModernDaisy-it’s definitely not too early to plan details of an August wedding! The more you get done early, the less stressed you are later. Yes, you’ll have to do some tweaking, but it’s not like doing everything at once.

Post # 16
169 posts
Blushing bee

Wow, what a good friend! I don’t think you are stepping on anyone’s toes by helping out, after all you are a bridesmaid. I read in “Inside Weddings” by Emily Post that the bridal party isnt supposed to throw your Shower, your family is… so just take it upon yourself and if she says anything quote her that! haha. Really, the way she is acting I do not think she’ll mind… a bride should not have to ask her Maid/Matron of Honor what is going on with the shower. The Maid/Matron of Honor should have contacted the bms to help her plan it… how shady! Have you tried talking to the bride about the MOH’s lack of involvement?

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