Post # 1
First, I want to appologize for this being so lengthy. Also, I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this, but it seemed the most appropriate, so here goes:
I’m a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding this August and her Maid/Matron of Honor is doing nothing. I really mean it, she hasn’t done anything to help the bride. She has shown little to no interest in helping with anything and it just breaks my heart. I’ve offered to help the bride with anything I could possibly think of, and she’s accepted my help, but isn’t this what the Maid/Matron of Honor is supposed to do?
A few weeks ago the bride text messaged me saying that she’s overwhelmed with “everything wedding”. I asked her what she was stressing about and said, “The flowers, the Bridesmaid or Best Man dresses, and the shower, etc.” I said, “Isn’t your Maid/Matron of Honor putting on the shower for you? You should’t have to worry about that!” And she said, “I don’t know, I thought she was, but she won’t give me a straight-forward answer.” So, I thought, well, I’ll get the Maid/Matron of Honor number and leave her a text message letting her know that if she needed ANY help at all planning the shower, to give me a call or leave me a message. I left my phone number as well as my e-mail address. I hadn’t heard anything since besides, “ok, thanks.”
Weeks go by and just today I was informed by the bride that she took it upon herself to book the hall and will most likely have to plan the entire party too. Honestly? I mean, on top of planning a wedding she now has to plan a shower that her Maid/Matron of Honor was supposed to throw?
So my question is this: Should I contact the Maid/Matron of Honor again and try to get her on the ball? I told the bride that I would be more than happy to take the shower off of her hands and plan it for her, but I don’t want the Maid/Matron of Honor think I “stole” the shower or something crazy like that. The bride is stressed out enough…IMO she didn’t need to be handed her own shower to put on too.
Thanks for letting me vent and thanks in advance for the advice!
Post # 3
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
If I were you, I would contact the Maid/Matron of Honor and just let her know that the bride was planning on planning the shower herself and you are going to be taking over so that she doesn’t have to deal with it. From what it sounds like, the Maid/Matron of Honor hasn’t done anything and isn’t really planning to, so I doubt she would think that you “stole” it from her. If the bride is already planning on doing it all herself, I would think that you have every right to help her out with that!!!
Post # 4
i was recently in this situation (the moh was the bride’s older sister and kind of bitter that her sister was getting married first). her moh didn’t help with anything, and me and one of the other bridesmaids, along with the bride’s mom planned the shower and took over for the moh duties. we were there for everything she needed, up until and at the wedding. of course she was upset with her sister, but at least she was taken care of. that’s my only advice, do what you can do to help her out. it sucks that she has a sucky friend, but at least she has you!
Post # 5
I definately think you should contact the Maid/Matron of Honor again. I would send out a group email saying “Bride is super stressed with wedding planning. I have offered to help with the shower, any ideas would be great.” Are there other bridesmaids as well or just you?
Post # 6
I think you are an amazing bridesmaid, and it is so great that you are going above and beyond to help your friend. It would be nice if the Maid/Matron of Honor did the same, but technically, all that you guys are required to do is buy a dress and show up. Just because you want to help with the details of planning, doesn’t mean the Maid/Matron of Honor necessarily will. I’ve gotten more help from my BMs than my Maid/Matron of Honor, and I am not at all disappointed because I don’t expect anything of them.
As for the shower, I’m not sure why the bride started planning her own, especially if she was already stressed. She could just not have a shower, eliminating that stress completely. Plenty of brides don’t have showers – it’s not a requirement. If my BMs don’t do it, I certainly won’t be throwing myself a party. If you want to do it though, I think that would be really nice of you and you shouldn’t worry about the Maid/Matron of Honor thinking you stole her role.
Post # 7
I think if anyone should speak to the Maid/Matron of Honor it is the bride (especially if you are worried that the Maid/Matron of Honor might feel that you are stealing her job). Perhaps, since you are willing to throw the shower, the bride can tell the Maid/Matron of Honor that you are going to do it instead? Since asking the Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t seem to be getting anyone anywhere, it seems that she will have to be told. It may be that she is very busy and/or has things going on in her life but she doesn’t want to directly say that she can’t do it. Also – does she ‘know’ this is supposed to be her duty? I have been a bit suprised on WB because in my experience, BM/MOH do not do as many things as some brides here expect them to do, and they often do not throw showers in my area. Perhaps she does not realize that the bride/rest of the bridal party has this expectation? Sometimes people have different customs/traditions/expectations, and these are not always communicated well.
Post # 8
Thanks so much all of you lovely ladies for the wonderful advice.
@mrskesslertobe: There are 3 other bridesmaids and the Maid/Matron of Honor besides myself, but I don’t personally know any of them. I wish I did so I could contact them through a group e-mail, that is a wonderful idea. I’ll have to ask the bride for their e-mail addresses. It wouldn’t hurt to get to know them before the wedding date anyway! 🙂
@bamm: I don’t actually know the Maid/Matron of Honor, so I assumed the same about her just not being straight-forward about not wanting/being able to do it. I do know that the bride and Maid/Matron of Honor talked about her throwing the shower though, that def. was established.
I think that with all of your combined advice, I’m going to contact the bride and offer to take it over. If she wants me to, great. If not, that’s fine too. I’ll let her contact the Maid/Matron of Honor unless she asks me to work with her.
Post # 9
I’d take over the planning and just ask the bride to let the Maid/Matron of Honor know (also, ask her for a list of names/addresses/e-mails of people she’d like at the shower!). My Maid/Matron of Honor, my older sister, declared a few months ago she would not be doing anything at all for me or my wedding besides buying a dress and showing up. I’ve had to take over planning my bachelorette party (no stress there, as its months away yet) and all the rest of the stuff it’d be nice to have some help with.
Post # 10
My Maid/Matron of Honor is also just putting on a dress and showing up. My aunt and a bridesmaid are throwing my shower, and my other bridesmaid is taking care of my bachelorette party. My Maid/Matron of Honor is my sister, which makes things harder. It’s definitely disheartening, and I can sympathize with you and your friend.
Your bride is really lucky to have you as a ‘maid! You sound like a great friend.
Post # 11
Thanks so much for the advice, and the kind words! You all are making me blush! Haha
Also, the bride and I are getting together tomorrow to talk about flowers, so I’ll bring up the shower when we see eachother.
Thanks again, all of you. This is why I love this place! 🙂
Post # 12
I think that it would be a good idea to send out a group e-mail and give them a heads up that the bride is stressed, and ask about any ideas for her shower. Maybe doing it that way will possibly get the Maid/Matron of Honor involved? Otherwise, if you are able to, I think you should plan it! 🙂
You sound like an AWESOME bridesmaid! I am having troubles with my own, and I might be planning my own shower and staggette, so I really admire how great of a bridesmaid you are!
Post # 13
I talked to the bride yesterday and she said that the shower is under control. Her mother and Future Mother-In-Law are helping with the food (make-your-own sandwiches and pasta/potato salads) but she still needs help decorating and sending invites. I also asked her whether she talked to the Maid/Matron of Honor about it and she said, “Yeah…she’s too busy going out every weekend to drink…” She doesn’t expect her to help with anything else now. Sigh… Anyway, she told me we’ll get together in the first week of March to talk about the finishing touches for the shower.
On the up-side, the beading on her dress is almost finished and we’re going on a road trip together next week to go pick it up. 🙂
I don’t really see anything else that I could do to wake the Maid/Matron of Honor up (without physically hurting her -haha), so I’m leaving that up to the bride. At least she has her mother and Future Mother-In-Law helping now too!
Thanks again, ladies.
Post # 14
Sounds like you have it under control a little bit. I was going to say – I don’t know why the bride is planning her own shower now if her wedding isn’t until August? First of all, the shower is up to the brides friends to throw, it shouldn’t be organized by her or her family. Second, it’s kind of early to be organizing all the details if the wedding isn’t until August. I know that comment isn’t very helpful as the plans are already in motion, but something to consider as a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Also, definitely get on the group email chain. You don’t have to be bossy, but send one out and just say that you want to introduce yourself since you don’t know the other girls. Tell everyone how you met the bride and that you’re excited to help with the planning. Let people respond, then bring up the shower. Just say that the bride is being a little unconventional and planning it herself mostly, but you would love to help out with decor, invitations, etc. and see who jumps in. The Maid/Matron of Honor might then step up and take charge, which will be a good thing. But if she doesn’t, at least you’ve unified everyone and let them know what’s going on, which is what the Maid/Matron of Honor should have done a while ago.
Post # 15
I agree with what amanda.lynn said. Just let her know you’re taking over because the bride is getting stressed. She shouldn’t be planning a shower-friends and family are responsible.
@ModernDaisy-it’s definitely not too early to plan details of an August wedding! The more you get done early, the less stressed you are later. Yes, you’ll have to do some tweaking, but it’s not like doing everything at once.
Post # 16
Wow, what a good friend! I don’t think you are stepping on anyone’s toes by helping out, after all you are a bridesmaid. I read in “Inside Weddings” by Emily Post that the bridal party isnt supposed to throw your Shower, your family is… so just take it upon yourself and if she says anything quote her that! haha. Really, the way she is acting I do not think she’ll mind… a bride should not have to ask her Maid/Matron of Honor what is going on with the shower. The Maid/Matron of Honor should have contacted the bms to help her plan it… how shady! Have you tried talking to the bride about the MOH’s lack of involvement?