(Closed) He may be dragging his feet….

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Hmmm  – it’s a lot easier for me to give advice than to follow it, but I think if I had more assertiveness and was more comfrotable speaking my mind about these things, I’d approach it with a quick coversation about how much lead time a wedding takes – don’t use the word ‘wedding’ right off, though.  Do you ahve a particular venue you’d like or that he’s spoken of?  Do a little research on things like how long in advance you need to reserve wedding and reception venues, how long a dress wil potentially take (some ladies take about 6 months to find one, send it to be altered, have a fitting and then to re-adjust any needed alterations), and so on, how much lead time family will need to arrange for loding and travel, booking of a honeymoon – there’s a lot of things that need more time than many men realize when planning a wedding.  Catering, cakes, dinners – all these things need time for planning, and you won’t want to (and in some cases be able to) take care of some of this until you are actually engaged.

I think if you can say, hey, I heard you need X months time adavence notice to book such and such church/venue, (and if you are doing a wedding within some religions, ministers really want you to go into their pre-marital counseling programs, which they won’t do until you are engaged, I think), do you think we’ll be at a palce where we can start making plan is you still want to try to be married by 2011/2012?  Tell him that as a couple you can’t make some reservations and so on until you are engaged, and you’d like to be able to know when you should start looking into things.

Keep it non-emotional, just matter-of-fact curious, like you’re asking when to take off work for a vacation – when does he want to go/when will work for him. 

Also, reading on here, it’s normal for the waiting lady to go back and forth from being certain he’s on the same page to wondering if she’s mistaken.  June isn’t too far away, so if you feel you can wait, even until April, or when your families meet (that’s still on, right?), it’ll go a long way to you being able to say you haven’t been bugging him about it.

Post # 4
Member
493 posts
Helper bee

I think that is a very nice and non-pressure approach. I say go for it. It would be worse to keep quiet and he isn’t on the same page then you will be bummed. Trust me I was at the start of 2011. Definitely voice that. In the nicest way possible. And with what you wrote here I think that’s fine.

Post # 5
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

I also agree that your approach seems fine, but I would change your idea of “summer”. To me, summer means June – September. June 21st is actually the first day of summer…and not to get all technical on you, but his idea of summer might be July/August. So I wouldn’t get your hopes up that he’ll propose by the end of June if he did say summer.

Post # 6
Member
2608 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think starting a second conversation is a mistake (sorry girls).  One thing you learn about men as you get older is that they cannot and will not be pressured into proposing.  Men need to think that the big ideas are theirs, which leaves us to “subtly” guide decisions.  My strategy would be to set a realistic timeline in your own mind.  June is too soon if he hasn’t put some real thought and cash away for a ring.  I’d settle on Christmas in your mind.  Now, take a more active interest in YOUR life!  Take an evening class (I assume you’re not in school still?), go out with girlfriends spur of the moment, take a road trip with your Mom, get bangs WHATEVER… just take the focus off “theringtheringthering”.  Men want what is interesting and slightly unavailable to them (cliche, but it’s really true).  All this will distract you, and make you more attrractive to him as well. 

If you want proof that it works… I spent 10 years with my last BF, 5 or which I was chasing the ring, to no avail.  I’ve been with my current SO less than one year, and he’s ordering the ring on Friday.

Post # 7
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@2PeasinaPod: <– that’s a good point!

I am fairly certain his idea of summer vs. yours is different even now.

Post # 10
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

@Shirinjoon: I wouldn’t even go as far as when’s that. Just assume that it won’t happen before the first day of fall which is in the middle of September. If he says summer…it’s a broad enough time to be able to surprise you without you knowing the specific month that he’s proposing. You have to give the guy a little leeway to surprise you so you aren’t counting down the days of a particular month!

I only say this b/c this is what my husband told me. We talked about it, and he said he would like to be engaged by the summer of that year. I took that to mean anytime during the summer, and he proposed on August 19th. So I waited for the majority of summer for him to propose, and I said that if it didn’t happen by September, that we would have to have a serious talk about where this was going.

Post # 12
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Is there a specific holiday/ significant date in your relationship that he may be waiting for?  He may also be trying to throw you off, that’s what my FI did.  I think most men understand that unless we say otherwise we want the ring yesterday.  I agree with the timeline in your own mind idea.

Post # 14
Member
2608 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Shirinjoon: Being in your 30’s does change it up a bit yes… but not by much.  It looks like he has given you a timeline (a vague one, but still) so you know it’s on his mind.  I think it’s fair that if he hasn’t popped the question by Labour Day, you could bring it up again.  I would definitely not use the “venues get booked, dates get taken” approach though, because frankly that sounds like you’re more concerned with having a wedding than getting married, which are two very different things.  Something along the lines of “I’m so happy with you, and I want to spend my life with you, what do you see as our future?”  This will be a nerve wracking conversation, and this sounds goofy, but try role playing with your best girfriend.  Have the convo with her a few times, have her give you different answers each time so you won’t be tongue tied when the real one goes down.

Post # 15
Member
962 posts
Busy bee

I was totally in your situation! The mantastic kept telling me he wanted to marry me, but he was very vague about a timeline. He would just say “I want to have 2 kids and be married to you within the next five years.” Well, that wasn’t definite enough for me. I’m 30 and I needed to know a reasonable time frame in which he intended to put a ring on it. Finally, after talking to some strong women in my life, I realized that, just like he has the right to not be pressured, I have the right to know if we were on the same page in terms of engagement!  I sat him down in a non-confrontational, non-pressuring way and asked him flat out when he was thinking of proposing. I told him that marriage was a goal of mine and that I hoped he could propose within a reasonable time but if he couldn’t then I understood. I didn’t get mad, I didn’t nag, I didn’t set ultimatums, but I did clearly state my life goals and I set reasonable, good, healthy boundaries that worked for me. He responded with a definite time frame that I find to be very reasonable. And guess what? It isn’t “ruining the surprise” for me. I don’t know the exact day that he is going to do it or how he is going to do it. Rather, it just gave me some peace and strengthened our communication. Furthermore, it did not push him away. In fact, it brought us closer because it gave me some feeling of sanity and stability. Since the “talk” we have had some moments of doubt and insecurity but overall we are in a much, much better place and he has become really excited about our future, impending engagement.

Post # 16
Member
1742 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I only mentioned the practical problems of wedding planning as a tactic for starting a conversation since many guys seem to think they can say you’ll be married by December 2011, and propose come November 30th, and then leave the planning to the lady.  If it was easy to approach this without worrying it would A) push him further awawy from it or B) it’s just not within most people to start off with “Hey, how was your day when are you proposing?”, I’m sure te OP would have done it already. I agree with holding off as much as possible, but if it’s a choice between a melt-down/blow up and a corny intro, I think most guys I know would respond better to the practical if you want this, is there a game plan? approach to the touchy-feely I want to be with you forever approach.  All of it depends on the kind of guy the OP is with, really.  If he responds well to muchy, then go mushy – if not, try the practical approach, if staying quiet just won’t work.  When you start with, “Honey, I want to be with you forever,” you kinda trap the guy into having to say the same thing back, even if he’s not 100% earnest with you.  I mean, he can’t really respond with, “That’s great, I think I still want you around next week, so we’re cool, right?”  Where as if he’s said you should plan on being married by the end of 2011, pointing out that time’s a wasting and unless he’s cool with wisking you off to Vegas, ducks need to be put in order.  Ther familes are supposed to meet – I think the OP should wait for that to pass and see how it goes and THEN she can guage whether another conversation is even needed.  Heck, at the meeting, one of the realtives might end up asking all her questions for her.  😛

Since I’m such a chicken, I have only mentioned/asked about once a year for the past few years – the conversations always make him feel bad because he’s not quite where I am, and because he knows his inaction makes me feel bad.  So, I personally haven’t tried to talk about it, mention it or any wedding at all, except to clarify the time/place of one of the many we are attending this year.  That’s what I use this board for. 

 

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