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weve been living together going on 2 years now and i still do all the cooking and cleaning. he swears that he wil do all the yard stuff - but WE LIVE IN AN APT! lol
great idea with the chore chart. I am thinking of assigning him certain tasks to do like (clean bathroom on every third tuesday...) and i have finally gotten him to do the laundry.
good luck!
My husband is pretty self-sufficient. He does his own laundry. And actually never wants me to do it for him! Occasionally I will move it from washer to dryer, or dryer to basket, but that's it. As for cleaning, we clean every weekend, together. He's neater than I am, and I really hate cleaning sometimes, but we do it together. I do most of the cooking, but while I make dinner, he's doing his second job, so it evens out. And he always does dinner clean-up. And we both pick up after ourselves for the most part. I occasionally don't put my shoes in my closet, and he sometimes leaves his water glass out over night. So I guess our arrangement is pick up after yourself, and clean together on the weekends!
I typically do most of the chores but my FI is working an avg. of 75hrs a week. I am a Teacher and off during the summer, so right now I do not mind. We have agreed to share the duties when we are both working. I think it all boils down to communication. If you feel overwhelmed then talk to your FI about it... I have and he helped out a lot more. Personally, my FI would flip if I posted a chore chart and I would feel a bit offended if he suggested one to me. To be honest, those were made for children so they could remember and see their progress. Since your FI and you are adults it seems like you could come to an agreement without making a chart. For example, maybe you could agree to do the dishes every other day.
divying up chores--yes.
point system--um, no.
Another alternative is just a "clean up after yourself" policy. Especially with dishes and kitchen stuff.
:) I know the chore chart sounds like an absolutely ridiculous/dysfunctional idea, but my fiance and I have been together for 8 years and are extremely playful and competitive... so having it wouldn't be about treating either like a toddler, it would be a competition of sorts. (maybe you would just have to know us to understand... we're abnormal.)
I should've also mentioned that I am self employed, so I work from home, which puts a lot more of the daily burden on me, as it is.
When this came up in my relationship, someone advised me to pick up a copy of "Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman. Both of you can work through the section that discusses who does what in your relationship. It was eye opening for my SO to see how much I did for him 'behind the scenes' such as being the bill payer, picking up the mail daily and sorting it, little tasks that have to get done but aren't visually SEEN.
I typically handle laundry, vacuuming, cooking, and at least 1/2 the dishes. Based on my schedule and his, this works for us.
I absolutely do not do bath tubs. I don't know why, but I can never figure out where to start. DH knows this and scrubs the bathrooms.
I know a lot of married couples have a rule of thumb where if you don't cook dinner then you do the dishes. Maybe something as simple as that could work for you.
The chore list seems to be kind of rigid, but maybe you need that in your house. Definitely do what works for you.
OH gosh i just have to comment I thought this said, "wife wh*re chart" and i was all WTF is wrong with your husband?!?!??!?! lol. my bad.
Lists aren't a bad thing--it can help remind you what to do and when! DH likes things done a specific way and I don't keep up to par. Some things are "his" jobs and some are "mine". So far it works
I actually like your idea of a chore chart and don't feel that these are just for children. I think it helps to see things written down! I think it's a great idea if you both are up for it and I think the point system is awesome. Anything to make cleaning fun in my book! We actually talked about doing this last year, but never followed through with the idea. We were going to have weekly contests and the winner got a 20 min. massage. I think it sounds like fun!
Our house is divided into an incredibly sexist system of "boy" jobs and "girl" jobs. I created this system. I do laundry, cook dinner and make the bed. He cleans the litter box, does the dishes and takes out the trash.
You sound just like me! I keep threatening this. As long as he does the laundry and walks the dog everyday I'm usually okay with him slacking on everything else as long as he picks up after himself in general. I think it's easier for me to do stuff like the dishes because I can't stand they way he loads the dishwasher (same reason he does the laundry--he can't stand the way I fold things). It's when he doesn't do the two or three things he is responsible for that I freak out and threaten to hire a maid and pay them out of his personal bank account.
His jobs: Taking out the trash, making sure his dirty clothes make it into the hamper.
My jobs: Cook and clean up after it.
Honestly we have a cleaning lady that does the rest and we love her for it!
We've been living together or over 2 years and we've just kind of figured out who does what. For example: I hate to clean the tub and vacumn so 99% of the time FI does that. I usually clean the sinks. He cooks most of the time. Then we just do whatever needs to be done. For example: I'm home during the summer so I do most of the errands that need to be done, wash the sheets, etc.
J is way cleaner than me, so we're kind of in reverse. Kind of, because I still do most of the cleaning.
For us, we've found simply asking each other has worked - like after dinner if I say, "hey would you do the dishes?" he'll get up and do them, no questions or complaints.
But ... J is awesome and (in my experience) not the typical guy when it comes to housework.
We both do our own laundry (both of us don't want the other to accidentally ruin the other's clothing - plus he needs to do it more often than I do). On Sundays he swiffers the whole house, I dust and collect the trash, and we both clean bathrooms and vacuum. For cooking we alternate but we both clean up after ourselves.
I don't think you need a "chore chart" I think you need to talk about it and each need to be responsible for your own things, if you do laundry then he can help fold it. Maybe if you cook, he does clean up. If he mows the lawn maybe you clean the house.
I think the best thing to do is both be working/cleaning at the same time and then everything will get done and neither of you will feel like you're doing more than your fair share.
I think chore charts are a great idea! Look, children and adults are both human beings - children become adults - and in fact most things that work great on children also work on adults.
It doesn't have to be one party imposing it on another, it can be cooperative.
If partner A says "i'm doing a way disproportionate amount of chorse and its not fair and i resent this" partner B should say "how can we fix this?"
A chore chart helps people not to conveniently forget (something our brains do for us way easy). It's part of human physiology that we see our own contributions much easier than our partners, nothing wrong with highlighting what the other person is doing.
p.s. IMO the long a lopsided arrangemet presiste the harder it can be to change
I am not into the chore chart. It reminds me of camp and my college apartment with 6 roommates.
This is so funny because last week I got so sick of this argument I made a chart! It is on my work comp but I'll post it tomorrow! I have highlighted my jobs in pink and his in blue and made a box next to each to check off
My Fi & I have lived together for almost a year and we both took on all the chores and it has worked pretty well so far, no complaints.
We both love to cook so we don't consider it a chore. He does most of the weekday cooking because he gets home before I do, I cook on Sundays. I prefer to use the dishwasher afterwards, but he likes washing dishes (he's a weirdo lol).
He does our laundry, but I help him to fold the clothes.
He takes out the trash because he is the first one out in the morning. I do most of the actual cleaning, (vacuum, sweep/mop, dust, clean the bathroom/tub). I kinda enjoy cleaning haha but he does help whenever I ask =)
My chores: Laundry, general pick-up and cleanup, changing sheets and towels. We also get monthly maid service and I pay for it.
His chores: Grocery shopping, taking out trash (although he constantly has to be reminded of this otherwise it'll sit there forever until it starts to smell)
We take turns: Cooking and dishes.
Ah, the bees are divided!
I totally understand what some of you are saying about 'clean up after yourself' and just communicate, buuuut life happens and sometimes the stuff that needs to be done isn't a matter of just picking a shirt up off the floor. The scrubbing of the shower, the vacumming, etc, etc.
FI works long hours, but so do I, I just do them at home, so I don't want to start being resentful because I'm expected to take care of everything since I'm in the house all day.
Arachna - I agree with you. I think some of the daily stuff is just accidentally forgetting things or being in a rush and not having time at that given moment. In all honesty, the chart might help me cut my FI some more slack. I think he does things all the time that I probably overlook or take for granted, so it might help me realize that I need to appreciate the little things more.
For those that are not entirely opposed to the idea, I found this article and a good example of the relationship chore chart.
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/la/look/chore-charts-and-the-equitable-household-091453
I don't think you necessarily need a chore chart. One of the wedding pre-marital books I read talked about listing out all the chores separated into their frequency. Then take turns picking out which ones you guys each want to be in charge with. Does he hate to do the dishes and you don't mind? Does he like to mow the grass but you would never do that. Anything left over decide how to split up fairly.
We just talked about who would do what when we moved in together. And I also have NO problem saying hey--- pick up the slack haha. I do spend more time on house stuff than he does but 1) i am home WAY more (i work from home mostly) and 2) he does the yucky stuff I don't want to, so that is worth it to me.
Me:
grocery shop and cook meals except those that are grilled (i also make his lunch every day but that is not my "job" i just don't mind doing it while the coffee is brewing so I do)
do all of our laundry and put it away (although he doesn't mind if i ask him to do something specific like switch clothes or put a basket away)
him:
master of the trash (i hate trash. don't like taking it to the garage or the street)
mowing/weed-whacking
grilling
As far as the cleaning of the house we split it. We each pick up after ourselves in terms of stuff laying around, and most Saturdays we decide to clean and then we just do it together. Although sometimes if I'm out of town or he's working a weekend we'll do it without the other. We don't have exact roles we just kind of work until we're done but usually it breaks down like:
I clean the kitchen, mop the kitchen floor and entry way, clean the half bath (which takes like 30 seconds), and dust the great room and our bedroom.
FI cleans the "man cave" including vacuuming and cleans our master bath (which takes for-ever but he does a really good job and i HATE CLEANING SHOWERS).
Whoever is done first (which is usually me) vacuums the great room and the bedroom.
It generally takes us about 2 hours start to finish if we're doing it together.
We just talk it out and are sensitive to each others complaints if one person starts feeling like they're bearing a bigger burden. Our schedules are not set in stone so a chore chart really would not work for us. There are some days/weeks where I do the vast majority and some days/weeks where he does the vast majority but most weeks theres on and off days. For us, flexiibility is way more important but if your a chart kinda girl I can see how it could work.
It depends on what work schedule FI is on as to what he does. When he works nights or late afternoons, I do most of the cooking (and mostly when he works days too!). But we kind of trade off, like you wash the dishes and I'll dry. You put the clothes to wash and I'll put them in the dryer. Both help to put them away. We kinda work on a "you see it you do it" system. It seems to work for us.
Here is my chart- As you can see I have to break down things for FH, I didnt add the tank of the toilet and when he was cleaning the rest of the toilet of course he didnt clean that part 
We're actually really even with the chores. He tends to take out the trash more often and I tend to do the dishes but only because those are the chores we know the other one doesn't like doing. Sometimes we'll go through weeks where he'll do all the chores and I'll lounge about, sometimes it's the other way around. But we're pretty good at vocalizing when we feel like we're not being helped out so that works well.
We tried the chore chard when we first moved in together. I think it lasted about a month. My husband is a neat freak, and I am much more slack about cleaning. However, since he does the vaccuming and mows the lawn, I trade off by doing the dishes, most of the cooking and the laundry, plus I get up early to walk the dog, and am usually the one who takes her to all her vet visits and training classes. We used to fight a lot about the chores division, but since the dog came into our lives, things seem much more equal to him.
Good post! I have been struggling a lot with this with my FI and nothing seems to work. I still feel like the maid!
I think that if I saw a chart, I'd get overwhelmed and everything would feel MORE like a chore. But then, I HATE cleaning (especially vacuuming). Our method (has worked for the past 10 years) is similar to what @caszos said: pick the stuff you don't mind being charge of & split evenly. I love to cook...he doesn't really know how. When growing up in my house, the basic rule was: whoever cooks doesn't have to clean (note how I LOVE cooking & HATE cleaning). He doesn't mind vacuuming, so he does it. I don't mind cleaning the bathroom (I get some theraputic satisfaction from making the bathroom sparkle), so I do it...albeit, he has to remind me to do it, but I do it. Laundry...usually he will start doing the whites (the only ones he doesn't have questions about how to do) & I'll want some other laundry done, too, so I'll add in another load. He's better at putting things away, but I'm better at getting the groceries...basically, we pick what we're better at & go with it. Starting in August, he'll be working from home, so he'll probably do more cleaning up, but it'll be up to him to let me know if he wants me to pick up the slack. Maybe we're just lucky that we don't mind doing what the other one hates or doesn't know how to do. But it's worked for us.
I would kill my SO if he printed out a chore chart.... I'm the messier one of the two. But I do all the cooking and he typically does all the dishes and takes the trash out. General house cleaning is a split, he vacuums, I do the bathrooms. He has to sort his laundry before I'll put it in the wash, but we both tackle folding clothes.
So, it all works out. If one person is slacking the other picks it up a little and visa versa.
Mrs. Avocado JUST posted the other day about a website that organizes a fair chore chart based on how hard the chores are and how often they need to be done. Then they send everyone an email reminder so you don't have to nag! I thought it was very cool. http://chorebuster.net/
We clean together on the weekends, a long time ago I let DH choose what tasks he wanted and he chose floors, windexing and dusting since he hates cleaning bathrooms and the kitchen. So we have our tasks and do it together. During the week, if one person cooks (it's pretty even) the other will clean. And he runs out of boxers really fast (that reminds me we have to buy him some more) so he will usually initiate the laundry, but I will fold everything.
We sort of had a 'chart' in the beginning, b/c DH is slightly ADHD and it just works better for him if things are written down. So he made a list of his tasks so he could visualize it, but mine were never on there (since I went from doing everything to doing 1/2).
And really, the things we are in charge of, we are in charge of from every aspect. If we run out of scrubbing bubbles, I have to get it. I choose what scrub brushes and rags to use in the bathroom and kitchen. When we bought a new vacuum, he got to choose it b/c he does the floors. No one micromanages the other. It works out really well for us that way.
We just talk about it. usually i'll say, i'm going to do this xxx task this week or date and he says okay i'll do this on this day.
so far its worked out for us. He mostly cooks and takes care of the garbage, etc. I do laundry and clean. Groceries and cleaning bathroom is who ever has the time to do it.
We both cook, walk the dog, We do our own laundry. We also have someone come to our house onces a month and REALLY clean/dust/mop/sweep so when I do it the rest of the month it isn't that big of a chore. I haven't taken out the trash in two years and he has never cleaned the bathrooms so I guess that is a compromise. We both clean the kitchen, take care of the plants and veggies. It isn't actually something we planned out-everything just works out I guess.
When we both worked full-time office jobs we had a chore night and a list of what needed doing. I'd do x and he'd do y, and we'd switch it up from week to week. I think if a chart is what gets the chores done, make a chart!
For us the main thing was that cleaning was once a week {aside from dishes} and it was always the same night, so no "surprise honey, we're mopping the floors tonight!"
I think what will be easier then the whole "clean up after yourself" (because this would work if my life were a perfect world lol) and the chart. Would be to discuss excatly what chores each person does & how often you do it.
For example, we have a strict "whoever cooks. the other cleans." period. And I handle putting dishes out of the dishwasher & he does the trash (these are like our daily chores) then once a week he does lawn work & pool maint, and I sweep & mop the floors. When it comes to the bathrooms & dusting, we take turns every other week. We've divided our chores like this for years & it works. Just as long as the daily chore is done & the once a week chore is done at some point during the week span, we are gravy!
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Any of y'all have any hiccups getting used to your SO's housekeeping styles?
My FI and I have been living together for a few months and I'm starting to feel like I'm on permanent dish duty. Laundry? Did it. Dishwashing? Yep, that one, too. Cooking? Uh, huh.
How do y'all divide the work load in your houses? I'm starting to think we should post a chore chart (yes, the kind parents use on their 7-year-old children) somewhere in our house to record who's doing what... maybe even devise a point system for each task and the person with the most at the end of the month gets something fun. (I'm fairly certain that a marriage counselor would be very much opposed to this idea, but.... what do they know?)
Have y'all figured out any secrets to streamlining the everyday things?