Advice please! This has me really thinking.

posted 2 days ago in Engagement
Post # 2
4031 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Marrying this man is a bad idea. He has no idea what financial responsibility entails and relys on you being responsible rather than taking responsibility for himself. Quite frankly, I’m not sure what a smart, responsible, and mature young woman is doing with a man child.

Love is not enough in a marriage. And finances are one of the top reasons for divorce. His inability to get his shit together is a red flag you shouldn’t be overlooking.

Post # 3
561 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Truthfully I don’t see a lot of promise here. He’s a grown man, 10 years older than you, and if he hasn’t figured it out by now I wouldn’t have a lot of hope that he’ll change out of nowhere. If this isn’t how you want to spend the rest of your life, then marrying him is probably not your best bet.

Post # 4
106 posts
Blushing bee

I wouldn’t entwine my finances with someone who couldn’t get their stuff together in 34 years. It seems like you’ve got some money-based resentment already. 🙁

Post # 7
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

You have become his new “aunt”, but with benefits (sex, age, etc.)

If he decides to marry you, you’ll have to buy the ring, pay for the wedding and buy the house. 

If you decide to have kids, you’ll have to take care of them, feed them, pay for their school, nanny, etc.

If you build a life with him you are signing up for having a free loader until you decide to divorce. This man has no intention of helping you in life, he only care about being taken care of.

Please, run away. You deserve much better.

Post # 9
4031 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Star Lily 1106 :  It’s much easier to find someone who matches your goals, lifestyle, and world views than it is to change someone to match them. While I understand that you do love him and I’m sure there are wonderful aspects to your relationship – I think what you have to realize is that he may never change. So it’s either a dealbreaker and you move on to find someone more like-minded when it comes to finances and being responsible or you decide that you are willing to live with him, just as he is now, forever. 

ETA: It’s great that his family/friends thing you are great for him but what about him being great for you? It’s not your job or your role to make him grow up or teach him how to be responsible. 

Post # 11
6787 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Don’t think that you can change him. If you’re as driven as you say you are, he is not compatible with your long term goals. There are other fish in the sea. Don’t feel stuck to him just because you’ve been with him for a few years. Your best years are ahead of you. 

Post # 12
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

You seem to have the “I need to help him” mindset. No, you don’t need to help him. He’s a 34 years old grown man, he should be helping himself. Right now, he’s helping himself to your money, food…

Are you willing to be the breadwinner? It doesn’t sound like it. Sometimes, love is not enough.

Post # 15
121 posts
Blushing bee

Yeah, gonna agree with the others and say that this is a dealbreaker. He’s 34. He clearly isn’t motivated to change. I also think a 34 year old who says “what’s the rush?” when you ask about your future isn’t promising, nor is the fact that his friends and family think that you are his best hope to “straighten him out.” Not making a lot of money or having some loans or a bit of debt is one thing; not paying you back for large sums of money borrowed and having no recourse to get it back is totally different. I was with a guy who was financially irresponsible like this and also older than me, and I let him live rent free for a while (hoping he’d put the savings toward paying off his debt); he promised to pay me back eventually and we agreed on an amount, but he reneged when we broke up (for a different reason). It wasn’t worth it to argue given that I never wanted to see the guy again, but he owed me thousands that I never got back. In retrospect, I wish I’d seen the red flags earlier and run.

ETA: The kind of selfishness you are describing in your updates is clearly NOT just financial. That’s one piece of the puzzle, but I think it’s symptomatic of a way bigger issue with this guy. He’s disrespectful of your wants and needs, unable to take care of himself or plan for the future, and all around careless. Not husband material. 

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