Advice pls. BFF turn frenemy

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I extend a wedding shower & bachelorette party invite to these girlfriends?
    Extend an invitation to my new frenemies : (7 votes)
    32 %
    No way! Don't bother! : (15 votes)
    68 %
  • Post # 3
    236 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    How frequently did you see these BFF before your engagement? Did you hang out and communicate with them frequently over the past 3 yearyo before the engagement? Or were these ppl you were close to in HS/College but haven’t really interactedwith in recent years?

    You have to have some inkling of why you are getting the silent treatment from them? When you think back to when you were close and in communication regularly, can you think of anything that was said or happened that created distance between you & them?

    Post # 4
    7290 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    @MirnaMinkoff:  I would be interested in those answers as well. Did you actually ever ask your BFF to be a BM/MOH?

    OP your RSVP date has not yet passed. They have not snubbed your invitation yet so why are you complaining about them? If the date passes and you hear nothing then you try to get in contact with htem. if they wont pick up you leave a message saying sorry I can’t get hold of you but I need to hear back about the RSVP to our wedding. If I haven’t heard back by xyz then I will have to mark you as a no to attend the wedding.

    But I always say this in situations where the OP has lost a lot of friends during their wedding planning process. Have a really good honest think over your actions. Have you done anything that might have offended them? Honestly when I hear that someone has lost more than one friend I tend to think the problem is with the person rather than the friends.

    Post # 6
    573 posts
    Busy bee


    Come the RSVP deadline, if they don’t reply, they don’t want to be involved, and that’s when I would stop trying to contact them.  I know how you feel, a friend of mine just completely dropped contact with me once I told her I had a boyfriend. I wasn’t in your face (she has a partner), I wasn’t implying I’dnever see her, etc, but she decided she didn’t want the friendship anymore and that was that.  The strange thing as she was the needy one and mostly initiated contact and conversations.  It’s strange, but people do just retreat even if you have done nothing wrong.  I imagined this girl as my MOH in the past, but now I would not even invite her as it’s been nearly a ear and a half of her ignoring me (though she hasn’t deleted me on facebook).


    When RSVP deadline comes, do whatever you have planned for chasing but only do it once, one last chase for these friends.  No answer? No problem, they don’t want to come and you can move on.




    Post # 7
    71 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @Lolarocks:  I read your post with interest and can relate to your situation.  You are already very self aware, so that’s helpful.  You know that the only actions you can control are your own and you can’t help how other people act.  If I were you, I would extend the invitations in good faith, recognizing the history of your friendship and your intention to still remain friendly with them.  Furthermore, they won’t be able to accuse you of not inviting them and throwing the blame back on you (I hate to think this way but in my experience this is how a lot of catty, high drama girl friendships play out).  If you don’t get a reply, then you have your answer loud and clear.

    I totally know how you feel.  Sometimes the truth is in your face but it’s hard to accept it, especially when you don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong.  You’re planning a very joyous event, there are family and friends who are genuinely happy for you and will be there through thick and thin, so I would just focus on that.  Good luck!

    Post # 8
    2696 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Don’t do it! No interest, no invite. I sure would be paying for cake or food for people who’ll annoy me because they’re there and haven’t given one crap about me. Save your money. IT’S YOUR WEDDING.

    Post # 9
    4474 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    Your BFF is probably hurt that she was not asked to be a bridesmaid. I think you should’ve at least communicated with her that you were feeling hurt that she wasn’t as communicative with you after your engagement, as opposed to just not asking her to be a bridesmaid and moving on. I echoe j_jaye’s sentiments that you need to look at your own actions. Have you tried to be in communication with your BFF about what’s going on in her life, etc.? I know you may say that it’s hard when she isn’t responding, but perhaps she is jealous of what you have and needs some sensitivity from you since she would also like to be engaged and getting married? A little bit of that in the beginning might have gone a long way now. I definitely think you should still invite her to the wedding festivities unless you’re 100% sure that this is no longer a friendship that you want to work to salvage. 

    Post # 10
    1734 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    It’s unfortunate in Western culture that so much competition exists between women. I wish I could say your story is rare – in reality it is a fairly common thing when someone’s getting married in a group of women. Just like when someone in the group gets a boyfriend, gets engaged, loses weight…and so on.

    The only lady friend I have left is gay, OP, and even with her I’ve noticed she becomes competitive with me when women are around. I lost several friendships going into college because I overheard them tearing into my confidence, my grades, and how easily I could talk to a variety of people – including men they liked. In essence, they felt overshadowed. I had no idea how they felt, and being competitive with them had never crossed my mind.

    When I was planning my wedding, my best friend (a gay guy) pulled the vanishing act as well. Prior to the engagement, he talked excitedly with me about what he wanted to do to help. After the engagement, he became very awkward and upset. Our friendship burst open about 6 months ago when the jealousy reached its pinnacle, and I realized I had no more interest in being with frenemies.

    Sure, there is a point at which you’re talking too much about a wedding and driving people away. But no matter the situation, every person should be able to respond to someone’s phone calls and to turn in an RSVP. They’re making their feelings clear: they don’t want to be there. Don’t bog yourself down with another event they won’t attend.

    And no matter how awful and difficult it can seem at the time – I speak as someone who, having let go of my best friend, find I am basically alone in the friend department – all wounds do heal. I am much more happy being friendless than I ever was with a bad friend. It’s not the lonely, isolated prison it would seem.

    Post # 11
    2273 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012


    I understand when you say take a good hard look at my own actions. I have. I’ve posted here for advice. My conclusion is that it is infact not me – its them. I quit smoking, got healthy and got engaged. I’m absolutely happy, blessed and thankful. If they choose to withdraw and cut communications for whatever reasons, that’s on them. I’ve been trying. They haven’t. 

    I went throught the same exact thing with my BF of 20 years when I was engaged and planning my wedding. Like you, I was for all intents and purposes ‘unhealthy’ for a long time – bad relationships typically, bad home life – and it was always ‘about’ my best friend. I celebrated with her and she always kind of picked me up off the floor. Then, I found a healthy relationship, got my shit together and was happy – she couldn’t handle it. She pulled the shoot so to speak on our friendship and faded away finally ending it completely and even blamed me for it. Some people can’t handle the tables being turned. Sound like your friendship(s) hit the wall in the same way.

    I’d invite them and let it be their call whether they come or not, knowing that you probably won’t speak again much after that.

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