Advice pls! My husband complaining that I don't do anything

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@gramgeek:  Household chores need to be shared. Most of us work full time and manage a household. He wants you to cook? Fine. He can clean up after dinner. If you both pitch in, it won’t seem like such an insurmountable task to overcome. You could even alternate the days of the week that you cook. It is never fun to work more when you get home from work but alas it is the life of the middle class 🙁

Post # 5
2823 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@gramgeek:  I don’t think he’s being fair. For one, I would not be making two dinners. If he didn’t eat the dinner I made he could make his own food he’s a grown man. Second, cooking and cleaning requires team work from the both of you. Especially since you both work full time, you should both be sharing those duties and they shouldn’t all fall on you. You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him.

Post # 6
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@gramgeek:  So he’s doing his part (with some nagging on your behalf) so maybe he is hoping you will do your part (with some nagging on his behalf). Seriously, think about making a lot of freezeable food on the weekend. Then you can take it out to thaw during the week. Or, you could use the slow cooker so that dinner is made when you get home.

It is annoying to fight over silliness like this. Just remember, you love him and you two need to work together. You hate doing garabges? So do I, so my husband does them. He hates laundry, so I do that. It’s all about compromise. Hopefully it works out that you can do whatever chore you hate the least, LOL.

Post # 7
584 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think he’s being unfair, demanding, and unkind.

That being said, we marry people because we love them and want them to be happy, and so I think sometimes it’s worth it to do something that makes your spouse happy, even if it’s not what you really WANT to do, just out of kindness to them.

Unless it’s really unreasonable that tends to me my position, whether it’s the woman who would be happier with a bigger ring or the man who would be happier with a wife who makes him dinner, if it’s more an INCONVENIENCE to you than a HARM to you and it makes him/her feel more loved, see if you can do it.

I agree with PP that you need to have a sit-down talk with him. It is NOT OKAY for him to be demanding towards you, call you lazy, or imply that women HAVE to do this to be good wives! I think maybe being cooked for makes him feel loved and taken care of in a way that is important to him, but he needs to act like an adult and tell you that with love and gratitude, not make demands. And he needs to realize he’s asking you to do something difficult, and work to make it easier for you. Aka say that cooking dinner will take you 30mins every night, he needs to take over something else you’d be doing (like cleaning up or laundry) so that you still have time to relax. Or re-examine his own spending and give up something else he likes so that he can hire someone to come clean sometimes, etc.

Post # 9
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

Hmm, he should be shouldering at least half the housework if you are both working. Otherwise, isn’t he embarrassed to be so hypocritical?

My FI does mention me needing to put in a little more effort sometimes, but he has a right to. He shoulders about 60% of the housework as it is (and 90% of the cooking). We both want to make that more like 50-50 for the chores.

BTW, a rare chore can’t really be compared to a daily chore, unless you’re having several drains clog per day.

Post # 11
944 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@gramgeek:  What century does he think this is? I’d be livid! 

“Yesterday he blew up that I don’t cook enough, he wants his wife cook for him”

We both can be extremely exhausted, and if neither of us desires to cook, we either eat soup with toast or order food.  We both work hard and neither expects a perfectly cleaned house or home-cooked meals every night during our chaotic week. 

PS.  taking out the trash after being nagged is not even comparable to cooking a meal every night.  I’m not saying every marriage is perfectly equal, but it seems like he is just as ‘lazy’ — tell him you expected a husband who would cook for you. What will his reaction be? 

Post # 12
845 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@gramgeek:  Sounds like you have to do some chore and menu planning to reach a compromise so you both feel you are contributing fairly at home. I don’t think it HAS to be 50/50 with everything as long as both parties are satisfied. For example, I cook during the week because I get home earlier and enjoy the challenge of making quick meals. Husband cooks big, amazing weekend meals. We clean up the kitchen together.

I do think if he’s demanding “his wife cook for him” then he needs to be more flexible about WHAT he eats. The rule in our house is you eat what’s prepared for you and if you don’t like it, don’t be a jerk about it, but cook something for yourself! It’s nice to consider the other’s preferences in making meals, but the focus in our house is on making healthy meals affordably. We have both learned to like foods we previously didn’t like before we lived together. If you need to jump start this, buying some new cookbooks together is a good idea.

Out of curiousity, did you know going into marriage that he had these expectations or is this new? If my husband suddenly dropped the bomb that he expected I’d magically be turning into his mother after marriage, I’d be out the door, laughing the whole way! Because that’d be the stupidest thing I ever heard!

If you can’t seem to come to an agreement about these issues, the involvement of a neutral third party, like a marriage counselor, could be really beneficial.

Post # 14
4140 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Blunt alert:


Yeah, no.First of all, you’re not his mother. If he misses how Mommy did things, he should have married Mommy.  Being cooked for is a priviledge, not your job. If he’s not thankful for that, he can eat sh*t quite frankly. Unless he’s missing both arms and has a grand piano tied to his arse there’s no reason he can’t cook himself something. 


I would be not lifting a damn finger for him until he gets his attitude in order. Worry about your laundry, your food etc. If he has a problem with that he can hire a damn maid. That’s not what you’re there for. 


Post # 15
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

He’s being totally unfair.

When you both have full time jobs, the housework needs to be evenly divided. If he wants you to be a housewife, he’s gonna have to be the only one with a job.


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