(Closed) Advice re: Uninvolved fiance paradox

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee

You need to put your foot down and tell him exactly what you told us and that he is stressing you out unnecesarily right before the wedding. Most priests, pastors, and other religious figures aren’t going to marry you without meeting you first. Mine requires 3 premarital counseling sessions- you are lucky he just wants to meet.

Post # 4
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@bumblingbumblebee:  oh my gosh. my fiance does the SAME EXACT THING. i dont tell him anything about anything dealing with the wedding anymore. its 9 weeks till and all he knows is to go pick up his tux on nov 1 and show up on the wedding day. 

my advice: if he doesnt want to help plan, dont involve him! its so much easier!

Post # 5
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It’s his wedding, too, so he needs to be involved, simple as that.  And he is involved, judging by his many opinions.  It doesn’t sound like he is being very loving to you and he’s falling into the “brides take care of the wedding” cliche.  Basically, it sounds like it’s all about him and what is best/easiest for him.  In reality, he should be placing your needs above his own.

Post # 6
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bumblingbumblebee:   If I were in this situation I would say, “We need these things because I want them and they will make me happy.”  That’s all I’d have to say to my FI for him to say, “Ok, honey, whatever you want.”

He needs to remember he loves you and wants to marry you and stop treating you like this.  Good grief.  That would drive me insane and I’d never want to be married to someone who nitpicked over every little detail and dime.

However, you love this guy, lol – obviously – you’re marrying him.  You must know by now how to “work” him.  Giving him tasks seems a little counterproductive since he’s balking.  Since your wedding is very soon take over handling everything yourself.  Keep it simple and as practical as you can without sacrificing quality or your picture of your dream wedding.  Tell him marriage includes combining finances for a lot of people and your money is his money, and vice-versa. 

This is his personality and you must have known his financial attitude long before now.  You’re going to have to deal with it, he’s not going to change.  Right?

Post # 7
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@unruhka:  +1.

Post # 8
Member
284 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

This sounds so frustrating!It sounds like you are making the best of it – try not to let his comments derail you if your overall budget is still within what you and your FI agreed to (ie ‘well, honey, a cake is important to me, but luckily, having one won’t put us over what we agreed to spend’). Honestly, though, if you can manage it I would just try to not give him much he has to do. Like you,  I gave my DH one task, the DJ, he did the contract two months after I needed it done, then it turned out he forgot to send in the deposit so the DJ took another gig – I found out only becuase my wedding planner and original DJ were working the another wedding and she said, see you at MrsWoW’s wedding, and he looked at her blankly! She was able to find us someone else but from then on out I just quietly did everything myself. It annoyed me that MrWoW wasn’t as involved as I would have liked, but it just wasn’t showing up in his frontal lobes the way football does, so I kissed him and got on with what I wanted. Good luck to you, you will make it through this!

Post # 9
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I don’t think a grocery list of things for him to do is going to fix anything…if asking him to help worked, this post wouldn’t exist…I don’t like fighting with people, it’s a phenominal waste of time and in all sincerety expecting a man to get as excited about the minute details of wedding planning as you do is a long shot…I know those guys are out there…probably where all the mermaids and unicorns hang out…

If it were me, the money is already in the account, he knows what your up to, I would enthusiastically invite him to every meeting, tasting, whatever that you have planned, but if he fails to show, he loses his right to complain…he had a chance for some input, he declined to take advantage of it…next time show up!

I think officiants and preists the world around have this entire marriage thing rigged…the “counseling” they provide before-hand is just about as potent as an after dinner mint and if they really wanted to make sure you were prepared for marriage and all it entails one of their homework assignments would be to sit in on a divorce hearing where the unhappy couple is ready to tear each other and their respective lawyers apart over who get’s Aunt Fanny’s antique setee…..so I get why he’s resistant, offer to take him out to dinner after if he goes…kind of like buying a kid ice cream after getting a flu shot…

The rest is most likely a manifestation of nerves and fear and good old fashioned, penny pinching, reusing chopsticks cheapness….which you probably already knew about, but figured would not rear it’s ugly head here…get the day you want, and invite him to be involved…in the end he’ll be thrilled with what you do, men just never learn

Post # 10
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

@Nona99:  Rigged?  Counseling is about giving a couple the tools they need to treat each other in marriage the way God intends, simple as that, and that includes putting the other person’s needs above your own.  If you go to a priest or a pastor, that is their goal.  They aren’t going to send you to a divorce hearing because if the couple actually uses the values given from the counseling, the couple shouldn’t ever want to or need to use the word divorce as a part of their vocabulary.

There are plenty of men who are just fine with handling the details of a wedding.  My husband is one of those men and was happily involved from day one, and because I lived two hours away and the wedding was being held in the church he was a youth pastor for, he ended up handling a lot of those details.  We took a ride on his pet unicorn the day after the wedding.

 Laughing

In all seriousness, though, I completely agree with you about inviting him to everything and just telling him, if he complains about something he wasn’t there for, to show up next time.  Very good advice.

Post # 11
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@unruhka:  Without getting way off topic on a theological tangent…I firmly believe that half the battle with anything is knowing what your facing…that includes the worst parts too….

Post # 12
Member
5969 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@unruhka:  Oh, and awesome job on finding one of those rare ones!!….what do unicorns eat….mermaids, right?

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