Post # 1
I love coming here for advice, because you are all so wonderful and helpful!
My husband and I have had a few issues lately dealing with him being very inconsiderate. His friends come over often, about once a week. He typically wants to bring them over after I have cleaned, cooked and worked all day. I want to relax on Fridays for a while after my weekly chores. DHs friends love to rummage through my fridge. I have put a stop to that by buying cheap junk food and drinks and leaving them out (thank God!). I typically do not want them over when he asks if they can come over because I want to relax and not deal with cursing, messy men. I suppose my husband haa gotten irritated that I do not want them over ppractically ever because it seems like they are over EVERY weekend. I don’t particularly fancy his friends. They are all older than him and none have girlfriends or live on their own.
Although I have told DH before that I do not want people over on weekdays, seeing as he gets home at 10 P.M. from class and I wake up at 5 A.M., he asked me if people could come over for “just an hour” at ten p.m. I told him no, as I will be asleep. He got defensive, saying I need to call his friends and tell them because I’m the one that always has an issue of them coming over, not him. He doesn’t want to be the “puppet.” No, how about you put me first and have my back because I need to sleep and tell them the weekend would be a better time? Duh!! I got really pissed.
Last night when I was asleep, he comes to bed at 2:30, wakes me up by saying, “Hey babe, I need you to set the alarm clock for 8:30 instead of 8.” I WAS LIVID! Do NOT wake me up for that shit. Leave a message on a sticky note in the bathroom so I see it in the morning or set your phone alarm. Jesus!
Anyways, I need advice on how to 1.) Learn how to not feel annoyed all day and learn how to approach a subject calmly so he doesnt become defensive. And 2.) Get him to understand that he needs to see both sides before acting on his first thoughts.
Thanks so much!
Post # 2
LittlePumpkin: I’m not married but I do live with my BF, so take this advice as seriously or not as you want. 🙂 I typed a longer response but it seemed to ramble so I shortened to this. The best way to be able to get your husband to see both sides is for you to also practice seeing both sides. To you, him having gross messy annoying guys over super late is a no no. To him, it’s probably something he looks forward to after going to class until 10 each night. Compromise: tell him you definitely understand why he wants to have them over, but see about rotating locations. Next week, guys night can be at your place, but the following week they’ll need to go out or go to another of the guys’ houses. As far as the rooting through the fridge goes: when guys night will be at your place, grab some cheap beer/snacks and set that up nicely on the counter or in a cooler. “Hey guys! I got y’all some snacks, so I hope you enjoy these!” They’ll think you’re awesome because you brought snacks and beer, and you’ll think it’s awesome that you still have all your groceries. 😉
The alarm clock thing though: fuck that. Just explain that next time he should leave a note and you’d be glad to reset it for him in the morning when you get up. Or buy him his own clock, so that it’s always set for 8a.m. and yours for 5. That way he doesn’t have to even dare to think about waking you for that dumb shit. 🙂
Post # 3
MrsHalpert: This is excellent advice, and a very fair way to compromise, I think!
Also, LOL on the alarm. I would have murdered him. My fiancee sometimes likes to wake me up in the middle of the night if she can’t sleep just because she’s bored. I sleep like a hibernating bear, and I wake up about as cheery as one if I’m woken up by anything besides the alarm. I swear it’s the thing that makes me angrier than anything else.
Post # 4
LittlePumpkin: I think MrsHalpert:‘s compromise is great, but I would also think about letting him give notice at least 24 hours in advance. No imprompt to guys night, or 10:00 visits. It will give yourself some time to mentally prepare for people in your home as well.
Post # 5
LittlePumpkin: I don’t have any advice about the friends. My DH is a total loner so it’s not something I deal with.
The alarm thing is something my husband would totally do! In fact, he has done it numerous times. My only advice is just tell him first thing, not angrily. Just say “hey next time can you please just leave a note rather than wake me up?” Its not worth getting upset over unless he keeps doing it after you’ve asked him not to. Don’t let the little things fester and grow bigger than they are.
Post # 6
LittlePumpkin: Why do his friends alway have to come to your house? Maybe ask them to bring something with them…
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
LittlePumpkin: There’s nothing wrong with your DH spending time with his friends, but if it encroaches on your happiness or personal space, not okay. The friends live alone with no gfs to annoy, so ask your DH to have the parties at a friend’s house instead. That way they don’t mess up your tidy house and steal food, and you get personal space on a Friday night.
Post # 8
Tell me that you are not doing all the cooking and cleaning.
This is the 21st century, you know.
Your husband needs to do 50% of the chores plus buying and setting up food and drink when his friends come over. Agree a frequency. Maybe once every four weeks. Invite your own friends over on one of the other weeks. Have at least two weekends a month to yourselves.
Post # 9
Supersleuth: There’s nothing wrong with one person doing the cooking and cleaning if that’s what both parties have agreed to and are happy with. I thought progress was about giving people more choices, not just switching them from one requirement to another.
Either way, OP, I think having a set plan for when these gatherings happen and for rotating the location of them is a good option and should help things a lot.
Post # 10
I don’t know about the friends stuff, but I’ve had this conversation before:
“What you did you was inconsiderate.”
“I’m not being inconsiderate because of this and that.”
“Oh yes you were, and I’ll list many reasons why”
“You’re wrong, here are my reasons”
and so on, with increasingly raised voices (you can guess who is who!). When somebody accuses you of wrongdoing, “No, I didn’t” can be a reflex. Pushing the issue leads to instant attack mode, a battle between your logic and theirs and everyone stubbornly defending their position. So I personally counter “I’m not being inconsiderate because of this and that” with “Doesn’t change that my feelings are hurt and I’m not happy”. That’s it. You can’t argue with emotion and it doesn’t escalate. Right or wrong, a good partner will eventually stop the things that hurt you.
Post # 11
mcp8011: Well it’s surely about appreciation. If Little Pumpkin has been cleaning, cooking and working all day she needs to relax, have a romantic and attentive husband who makes time to look after her, and be given the opportunity to enjoy life.
If her husband doesn’t appreciate this then he needs to do all the household chores for a while. It will give him space to think about his priorities.
Sorry there Little Pumpkin. I’ve been married to the same bloke for (almost) 27 years and we probably do on average 50 per cent of the housework each. But it is very much an average. If one of us is tired or unwell or busy with work the other will do much more.
You need to discuss all this with your husband. You also need to start considering yourself a high maintenance woman and proud of it.
Post # 12
Just wondering why he couldn’t reset the alarm himself?? If it’s on your side of the bed couldn’t he have walked to your side and reset it? I’m confused on that one. I’d be grumpy about it too!
As for the guys nights, I’d try and approach it calmly and explain that you understand that he needs guys nights to unwind. But firmly let him know that having guys over at 10pm when you have to wake up at 5am is just not do-able for you. Make it well known that you are ok with them coming over on the weekends, and suggest that maybe they take guys night elsewhere if they want to do it on a weekday.
Post # 13
You’re enabling him all the way. You’re buying food and snacks and leaving it out for them like they are puppies. Err no. Just stop.
Post # 14
I’d buy a lock for the refrigerator door! Hahaha.
Honestly, who thinks it’s okay to have loud guests over at 10 pm when someone needs to get up at 5 am?? What a jerk! Tell him to go to their house- or you’ll go on strike with cleaning and cooking and other duties.