Post # 1
I’m never sure what to tell my guy friends after they propose.
On the one hand, I’ve heard horror stories of guys getting too involved… and making the planning process more stressful and complicated for brides.
On the other hand, I’ve also heard a lot of brides say that they’re frustrated that their FI’s don’t do anything at all during the planning process – unless asked (and even then, they don’t always do it).
What do you think the right balance is… would you have preferred your FI to be more or less involved? And what advice do you have in general for FI’s?
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2009 - Westwind YWCA camp
I would have liked my FI to be more involved several month ago. He’s really involved right now, but with about 2 months to go, and our jobs eating up most of our time, we’re absolutely batty with being busy! It feels like there’s no time to "enjoy" planning the wedding now – at this point, things need to get done.
Post # 4
I think a lot of it depends on your personality and his. I’m a pretty go-to person, and I like to plan. I’m a doer. My FI is pretty laid back and easy going (I like to pretend that I am.) He’s been involved minimally — once I find something I think I like (ceremony musician, venue, etc.) then we will check it out together. Obviously, we make the big decisions together but planning the minute details is on me. It works for us this way — we decided up front how it would be so that later on in the process, I wouldn’t get upset he "wasn’t helping" and he wouldn’t feel left out.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2009 - Catholic ceremony, reception at local armory
I think it helps if they are involved with some things. I give my FI projects that he likes to do (such as making signs for the bathrooms, making the photo display, etc) and he doesn’t complain. When he helps with things like invites though, he complains and that gets a little frustrating.
Tell them to ask their fiance "what do you need help with" and let her tell him what she wants him to do!
Post # 6
I’m with BridetoBee2010. I LOVE to plan and my FI is more than happy to let me take the reins. I do most of the research and we do big things together. But for the most part I’m the only one planning this thing.
Something that I would tell a newly engaged guy would be figure out YOUR priorities. My FI and I have had more than one fight because he randomly became passionate about something and absolutely HAD to have it. Don’t tell your bride "Oh sweetie, whatever you want" only to turn around a month later when the topic of the dollar dance comes up and have a strong opinion about it (not that WE ever had that conversation…lol). I would say sit down separately and list what the most important things are to you as individuals. Then sit down as a couple, go over those lists, see where/if they differ, and go from there. It’s so important to be on the same page.
Post # 7
I feel really lucky, because my fiance has been such a good partner throughout this whole process. He’s helped define the character of our wedding, researched vendors, and even offered to do the majority of the set-up in the weeks leading up to the wedding. I have definitely been more involved about the specifics, but just knowing that he’s there for me has reduced my stress level SO much. I think my only advice is to future grooms is to BE there: to listen, to help, to hold. You know, all the things they’ve been doing all along–one hopes. 🙂
Post # 8
I think that clear and open communication is really important when it comes to working with your spouse now and in the future. And everyone involved in wedding plans.
If I tell my FI that I need his help with projects that are something he has clearly said that he HATES doing then I expect him to grumble or be slow about doing them.
I think that you need to have the wedding planning talk of what you expect and what you want. I know that he has no idea that I want him to go with me to compare different votive holders at 5 different stores unless I tell him and tell him why. (It goes sorta like this – Hey hon, if we find the best deal possible on candle holders then that is more money we have for the honey moon and you are a better deal finder than me. Wanna come help?) Then suddenly finding the best candle holder is much more important!
I have a touch of OCD so projects that I will just end up spending more energy touching up or changes if he does them – I do myself. And I always make sure to express how much his help means to me. I know it is not fun to tie 300 little tiny bows on to favors and he would much rather be out doing anything else. A little appreciation gets me really far with the next project.
Post # 9
I wish my DH had known this before we discussed getting married, but I think most guys don’t in general understand wedding budgets…meaning a $1000 “deal” on photography, or a dress under $800 being a “steal”…so even if they don’t immerse themselves in every detail of planning, I would just tell men to reasearch just as much as women do when or even before they propose on the major things…venue, catering, photography, florist, DJ…so they know when their fiancee comes to them with a price, they can compare with what they know and don’t get all WTH?!? on her…not that that happened to me 😉