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@Katielee: I would tell her that you won't love her any less and that she should feel extra special because she will now have his love as well. But also let her know that it's ok to share her feelings if she is feeling unloved so that you can correct it.
My son was 1 1/2 when I met my DH, so a little bit of a different situation. I guess in your case I would just make sure to show her that you still love her just as much. After you are married, make sure you take time to stuff with just her. Go shopping one day, or do your nails together, or sit and watch a movie she loves and eat popcorn, etc. I would also talk to her about it before hand. She says she loves him too, so explain to her that (just like her) you can love two people at the same time.
My sister just got married this summer (my nephew's dad has not been in his life for a while), and it has been a tough transition for my nephew (he's also 6). My new BIL lived about 4 hours from my sister and nephew, and they moved into his house after wedding, so I think part of his difficulty is in adjusting to a new home/town besides just adjusting to the marriage.
If you can, you might look and see if there are any workshops or classes in your area for blended families. My sister just started a support group for blended families, and she said it has been helping a little with my nephew. They all attend together, and they've been learning some new strategies and skills in making sure everyone in the family feels comfortable and happy. Good luck! It sounds like you're doing a great job being proactive, and it's obvious you love your little girl very much. :)
Sometimes kids see "love" as a finite thing that can be measured or used up. Kids are also very visual so maybe you could think of a way to show her that there is enough love in the world for everybody- that you will never run out of love even if you are giving love to your FI.
Get a disposable paper soft drink cup (make it not too big) with a lid and a straw. Have her try to suck all the air out of the cup, then show her that there is still more air in the cup. Explain that love is like that. You can love all the people in your life and never run out of love.
I have an older daughter who also does not know her dad. DH and I started dating when she was 3, she is 9 nine.
I honestly think that the two of them need to be spending much more time together before you get married. You need to transition from being mom and daught and mom and FI to a family. Having someone stay with you for week is a lot different then living with you, especially to a child. They see that person as removable, once the three of you become a single unit where all parts are permanent things will change.
As far as her feeling loved less, I would make sure that she gets the same amount of attention from you when he is visiting. DH and I kept most displays of affection for after bedtime for the most part for a really long time.
It really does get easier as time goes on.
I think it might also help to remind her that she will be loved even more with a daddy and a mommy. :) How exciting for you both!
@Katielee: She sounds so precious and you are a great mommy. I love julies1949's idea. I would suggest that in addition to everything you already do, making a special day each week just for the two of you, "Mommy and Daughter Day!" where you do things together so she learns you will continue your connection. Even if you're just baking together, or drawing, or playing with dolls, making pizza, whatever, you are together just the two of you while your FI is doing whatever he needs to accomplish in that time.
Also, I suggest doing some research on the topic, too. I'm in a similar situation in that I have stepsons and had to very slowly introduce our relationship to them. I'm reading a book that is helping me to better understand their needs, that my stepsons will relive their grief over their parents' divorce as they develop and experience their own relationships someday. Through it all, we must comfort and validate their feelings, and there are some tips on how to have healthy conversations with them. The hope is that, though no answer will ever be answer enough for them as to why it happened, they will understand and accept it as part of their history, and that they will learn that love and life continues in different ways.
Best wishes to you all!
Try to do things with three of you-- stick her in the middle of a hug! Watch movies on the couch together, with her between you. It might also be helpful to schedule a day of the week to be "mommy day" where you and her spend time together sans FI or go somewhere fun?
Edit: @Cornflakegirl: Great minds think alike!
I've never been in this situation, so I don't have any experience. But I'm just wondering if DD and FI should also find special activites to do together that only they do--like get dressed up and go to a nice dinner.
@mmsva: That is exactly what I was going to suggest! :)
Mr. LK and I introduced our relationship to my DS when he was 11. DS has very few memories of having a father, as my ex walked off the face of the earth when DS was 4, and it was DS and I against the world since that time. While it was, and still is important, for DS and I to maintain our bond, it's also been crucial for Mr. LK and DS to establish a seperate bond that has nothing to do with me. They have their guy time and guy activities that are theirs alone. It started when we were dating and living seperately, as they would do manly things together, like choping down our Christmas tree. When we moved in together Mr. LK taught DS a card game that Mr. LK used to play as a teen. Now they play cards together, and the student kicks the teachers butt. It's vital that they have their own relationship. It's part of our family dynamic, for sure. But it's seperate as well, and that's a good thing.
So much great advice thank you! Where to start? lol
@Megan316 I do tell her how much I love her that will never change. She also knows she can always talk to me about anything no matter how big or small. So hopefully she will keep that up.
@Rosie Girl I plan on doing things just the two of us. We have a date night once a week already so I will keep it like that maybe change up the things we do.
@Mrs. SpringI found some books on-line that might help and I have found a support group the next town over we might try out. Good thinking on that!
@julies1949 What a great idea! I always tell her that mommies have so much love that it can never run out, but she still hasn't grasped the concept o time and space so that will help!
@mrskesslertobe I appriciate your advice, but the we aren't able to move the wedding date. I know 3 weeks at a time isn't a lifetime but when you know your time is short you make the most out of every minute.
@Gemstone I have asked her with examples of our friends that have mom's and dad did the moms love the kids any less and she said no and then giggles. I think she knows in her heart even though it will be different, it is going to be better to have both of us together.
@Cornflakegirl When I met him I didnt mention him till I thought it might be some thing. Then I started to tell her a little about him. After 6 months he came for his first visit. I gave her time to get used to it at her own pace. She started to ask when we were getting married before I did!! I will get a few of the books I found and read them to get ready for wht issues might and might not happen. Thanks!
@bookworm88 His last time here there were a lot of group hugs and we piled on the couch for movies and pop corn! I don't know if he was really down for the new Barbie movie but he stayed awake!
@mmsva I think DD means my daghter ( some of these abbreviations confuse me) They play soccer together and she wants him to teach her to ride with out training wheels. I was a epic fail. lol She also asked him to read her bedtime stories some nights. I think we can take turns. And he makes better ceral than I do. lol
Ok now I am tired! lol Thank you for the posts! I know this is a good thing for the three of us I am just trying to make this as easy as I can for her.
@mrskesslertobe: I could not agree more.
I think that is quite a bit to put on a six year old. especially when there has been no father figure present at all. it would be a requirement for me when choosing to marry that I see that the two of them can live together or even just have extended visits. It seems a bit odd to me that you are marrying so soon and only recently has your daughter been a part of the visit for the whole time he was there. it just seems a bit like going from 0 to 60 in a really short span of time. its a huge adjustment for child of that age. i speak not only from having a child that is that age as well but also because i was that child growing up as well. I guess my question is this....how do you know he will truly be able to be ok living with a child? its very different than only having a visit. there isnt a "go home" time where he will gets to go back to his childless existance and I think its important that he experience that as well as the child. What happens if you two marry and then he gets into the living situation and then decides that having a child around 24\7 is too much to handle? im only bringing it up because that would undoubtedly hurt your daughter very much im sure and you as well. I know this is not the advice you were necessarily looking for but knowing how i was affected by my mothers relationships I felt the need to say it.
As far as looking for ways to make the transition easier I think that really including her in as many of your activities with as possible is a good way to start. if she is feeling like he might be a replacement for her or someone who is invading her life with you it would be good to make sure she knows that having him around is not going to take you away. the idea of the paper cup was a very good suggestion as that is something that she can understand and use to sort of visualize what you are saying in regards to your love not having a limit.Good luck! and I hope it goes well for all of you :) its a tough situation to navigate for sure
Are you that affectionate with her? Can you hug and kiss and cuddle with her in the mix with you 2? Since you've barely been together with her, I'll chalk this up to she's not used to it.
I went through this too, but in a different way. my son is 12 and gets along soooo well with my FI, they are like peas and carrots! BUT he still has phases of "am I gonna lose my mom?" though he wont tell me, shows me and a mom always knows. So i advise you to make sure when you do get married and he is around that you and her ALWAYS have mommy and daughter time. ALONE. wothout him. It is SO important to have it consistently! That is the greatest advice i can give from my own experience. telling her you love her all the time is great but show her by really going out of your way to have that one on one time. it is so scary for kids cause they dont have the life experience we do to even come up with a scenario in the minds of what it will be like. good luck to you dear!
oh yeah! me and FI attended a blended family support group (without my son, there are some serious issues discussed there) at a local church before we even got engaged. It REALLY helped cause the families there gave us a heads up to many many issues that could arise and advise on how to prevent or deal with them. i highly recomend!
I would say to explain to her that your love for her is a different kind of love than you have for you FI. And tell her you love her like your daughter and now someone else loves her like their daughter too. Just keep telling her over and over. Eventually it will stick :)
I don't have any kids but I do work with children a lot in clinical settings and as jules said, kids are so visual. The first thing that popped into my mind was making a book together maybe with pictures of you guys and of your FI and writing a story about how it's been you and her and you guys do things a b and c and now FI is coming too and you'll still do a b and c and maybe you'll even start doing d and e with you and her and FI! That way she has something to look at and think about.
@vmec I am very afeccionate with her. We are very close. I kiss her a million times a day if not more. lol
@stardustintheeyes I am not sure where to start. When he gets here next month we have been together for a year and 8 months. She has had a lot of time to get used to the idea. As I said most of the time she is happy about it. She isnt falling apart over this all the time, just time to time. My FI lives in England I live in NC. Due to the FI Visa there are time resraints.
"What happens if you two marry and then he gets into the living situation and then decides that having a child around 24\7 is too much to handle?"
The only thing I can say to this is. He knows it won't be rainbows and butterflies every day, but we are worth the work. I know thousands of women with children get married every year and they make it work and a lot of those men never had kids. He is a very patient and kind man. I would not marry him if I didn't think it wouldnt work. You can't plan a future expecting it to fail. I know nothing about your mother and her past situation that caused you harm, but this is something he have discussed in length. This is nothing I have taken lightly.
My daughter is more important to me that ANYTHING! She has taught me to love in ways I never knew. With out her I would not be able to love him like I do. I would never for a second do anything that I thought would cause her harm. When I met him I went to counsleing to make sure I would not damage her by being in a relationship. She is what I think of first in ever descion I have ever made. I quit a job making awesome money so I could spend more time with her. I never even talked to men, my FI where friends first and after 7 months we realized we were something special. I was worried about her first. My counseler assured me she would be fine and adjust well to seeing her mother in a happy and loving realtionship. It just takes time and knowledge how to solve issues if and when they come up and that is why I posted. I wanted real women to tell me their stoires.
I was raised in a very abusive home and my mother never did anything to stop it but leave us with my horrible father. I will and do anything to put her first. So please dont think I am trying to throw and insta-grow family together and hope for the best. Becuase that isnt it at all.
a@nchors_away great idea! I know we make books so this will be a great add to the story list.
@Katielee: My point wasn't at all that you should move your wedding date. My point was that children have a hard time of picturing how change will be, it is scary to them. At this point while I am sure she likes your FI she sees him as someone who comes and goes. Once you are all together those fears of change will slowly go away and she will see that you will still love her just as much and that she gained even more love through him. Once her norm involves him, that competition or threat she feels will go away. Eventually she will hardley remember a time with out him. atleast that is the case in our situation. Good luck.
They have these ordiments for the tree in the mall, that have cute little raindeer families/penguin/snowmen/mice fmailies that they will write your names on. Why don't you take her and have her pick out one. It reinforces that you are a family, but with one extra. :)
i did this with my little brother ( he's 16) when FI and i got together. We were allways really close, kinda an Us against the world thing, so it hurt his feelings when i started spending more time with FI and less with him. We went and got one of 3 deer standing with their arms over one another and My deer is in the middle of their deers. I will aslo bring him home something he likes evey so often just because. I think I threw a mc chicken at him last night, he grumped but it makes him happy.
@Katielee: an insta-grow family lol i know it wasnt meant to be funny but that made me giggle. Its good to know that you have put a lot of thought into this. I was not implying at all that you were doing that though. I was speaking based solely on being in a situation where I had to adjust and then adjust again and it was all done rather quickly for me and it did do some damage. I do think its good that you are as concerned as you are with making this transition go well for your daughter, so again I hope it all goes as good as possible.
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Hi bee’s! I really could not figure out where to post this. It could fall under a few categories. I am getting married in Jan to my FI and my little girl is excited most of the time. She just turned 6 and has never met her father. I have not dated anyone until my FI and it is a LDR. He has been here 3 times for a few weeks at a time and we took our time introducing him to her and on his last visit she stayed the whole visit. They get along really well. She is looking forward “to finally having a daddy” as she put it, (I have never put those words in her mouth)but she says she is nervous. Well, we all are a little bit. Just in the fact he has never lived with a child, she has never lived with a man in the house, and it has been ages since I have either. She, on a day to day basis is looking forward to him finally being here and runs to the countdown calendar every day and saying how many days left. I hear her telling her friends how much she loves him and always wants to Skype with him. Ok here is my part I need advice on. Sometimes she out of the blue will start to cry and tell me she is afraid I won’t love her as much because I love someone else now too. She says she doesn’t want me to kiss or hug him because it makes her sad. On his last visit we kept it to a minimum, and it isn’t like we make out in front of her, but there were hugs and a few pecks here and there. She did walk in us kissing in the kitchen and she said we were gross and I had boy cooties now. Lol! Other than that she is one of the happiest kids I have ever met, people always ask me if she is always so sweet. Luckiest mom in the world here! So, bee’s anyone out there add a husband into the mix and have some good advice for me. I hate to see my baby cry, what can I do to make this as easy as possible for her.