Post # 1
i found messages from my fiancé to this girl he was friends with 5 years ago. She developed feelings for him back then and he turned her down and then after that she became really mean to him in public settings and weird. Well a week before our wedding I find that he messaged this same girl 3 times and she didn’t reply to any of them. The first was like a hi hello, the second was oh I guess we’ll never be friends again.. And third was the weirdest he said He cant believe it was so long ago they were best buds and now he is getting married and their other friend had kids so it is scary how they all had to grow up and how he deroly regrets how he hurt her so much and wished he could undo the hurt and he misses their friendship. To me this is totally disrespscfdul to do this at all let alone a week before our wedding. He knows she hurt me and caused us lots of trouble 5 years ago and it only seems like he is doing this now in hopes of some romantic thing. It is so strange she lives really far away so the only thing this achieved is hurting me and seriously questioning his motives and commitment to me…any advice!??!
Post # 2
Riviera2014: Hi sweetheart. I would definitely ask him. You’re going to be being married you should be able to talk with him about everything. I wish you all the best! : )
Post # 3
CindyZhen: thanks for the advice. I talked to him about and he said I’m blowing it out of proportion.. He just basically had no answers and thinks it’s totally cool…
Post # 4
It may just be a case of the commitment phobia of marriage. He needs to know that he wants to marry you, that you are the one. Men are weird like that.
He probably knows that now, with her not writing back, it’s probably helped you actually. I know that after my partner proposed I thought about my first love… a lot. I even looked him up and Facebook profile stalked him. I never made a friend request or anything… but I felt better afterwards, because he looked nothing like I remember, his profile pic was of him passed out drunk and he shared weird videos about racism and hatred.
Hope this helps. But please, enjoy the week before the big day! It should be enjoyable, not hard.
Post # 5
Riviera2014: this type of behaviour would give me some serious cold feet, especially if it was met with a aloof response from FI like what you describe. I’m a very persistent person so I wouldn’t let it go, so likely if I was you we would end up in an argument. It’s something I would need to get to the bottom of, especially if you’re just weeks away from spending your life with this guy.
There may be nothing to it, as pps have suggested, that’s definitely a possibility. But what wpuld concern me is his response (completely unsympathetic). If the situation were reversed, wouldn’t you tell your FI the reason why, and be empathetic to the fact that you may have hurt him? Would you not be patient and hear him out, and at the same time try to explain that it was innocent, and why?
I would approach it again and again until I feel comfortable with his response, and it makes sense/adds up. When things don’t add up, there’s something being left out and that’s why you feel uneasy.
Post # 6
So close to your wedding it’s awfully suspicious, and I do think it’s disrespectful of him. Tell him you know. Ask him what’s up. Tell him that if he’s having second thoughts, now’s the time to say something. Otherwise, he can’t be messaging his exes whenever he feels like it. I tend to believe there are very few instances in which exes should maintain contact. My fiance knows that would definitely not fly with me, nor would I ever do that to him.
Post # 7
Riviera2014: if this girl created problems for you, then he definitely shouldn’t be talking to her at all. But, I think maybe he needed closure. And I really think it has nothing to do with YOU. But, everything to do with HIM. Maybe he really does feel bad about how things went down. Maybe he just needed to “wipe the slate clean” before taking the plunge of marriage.
I’d talk to him calmly, and just ask why. Otherwise, know she isn’t answering, so that’s probably all the closure he needs.
Post # 8
I have been on the girl’s side of this, sort of. My ex-boyfriend contacted me right before he got married. We hadn’t talked since we’d broken up 4 years earlier. He called me out of the blue to “catch up” and tell me he was getting married. We had a nice conversation for a while, and that was it. That was 8 years ago, and he’s been married ever since. I know this is not exactly your situation, but I mention it to suggest that I think on some level this is normal behavior. It’s normal right before you get married to reflect on all the other people and relationships you’ve had in your life, and maybe even to reach out to some of those folks. I hope that’s all it is in your fiance’s case. If he contacts her again, though, I think that’s going too far…
Post # 9
I would probably approach it like… “what the complete fuck?”. He knows this girl had feelings for him. That door is closed.
Post # 10
The messages aren’t a big deal, but him brushing your concerns aside is. Does he have a history of doing that?
Post # 11
Yeah I feel like it is just so weird a week before the wedding to do this and think it wouldn’t hurt me. He kept it a secret obviously because he knew it was kinda weird.. He does have a history especially with situations like this of brushing me off and saying that I’m overreacting and I think he always convinces me that I am… now he just wants things to be normal with us and for me to forget this happened meanwhile he can go behind my back and do whatever he feels like I guess
Post # 12
He may have wanted to wipe the slate clean before marriage, thinking that it would be inappropriate to correspond afterwards, but the reference to the loss of a possibility of an ongoing friendship seems to preclude that. I’d be hurt, disappointed, and upset and would not accept his excuse that it’s no big deal. If it’s a big deal to you, it’s a big deal.
Not knowing either one of you or the first thing about the relationship, anything from an emergency counseling session to postponing do not sound out of line. As extreme as this sounds, do not marry him if you are not sure of his love, commitment and respect for you.
I agree that brushing you off is unacceptable.
Post # 13
I agree with HappySky7 and weddingmaven. This is not innocuous, it’s a big deal. You are not blowing things out of proportion.
Post # 14
Are you sure there was romantic intent? How close were they? The reason I ask:
My best friend and I were friends/best friends from the point we were 7 years old until about 10 months ago. I always thought he would be in my wedding party. Now that I know I will be engaged soon and quickly planning a wedding, I have been tempted to catch up with him and see if he might want to come.
Is any way he might really want to catch up with her AS FRIENDS as be sad that things deteriorated to the point she won’t be at the wedding? I don’t know just how close they were.
Post # 15
I would postpone the wedding until I could get to the bottom of this.
No, you’re not blowing this out of proportion. This is what I would call a huge, red flag.
The biggest mistake you could make would be to ignore your gut feeling and allow him to convince you that everything is going to be OK as long as you drop it and don’t ask too many questions.
This is not going away. You can either deal with it now or risk dealing with it in divorce court.
I’m very sorry you’re dealing with this!