Post # 1
I just need some anonymous advice. I was dating my fiance/bf for 2 years in school. 5 months before we graduated he asked me to come with him for a job across the country. My response was that I would need a more serious sign of commitment meaning an engagement. He agreed that we’d make it official before moving. I had asked him multiple times if this was really going to happen and he said yes. Thus when I was applying for jobs I asked my employers to consider me since my “fiance” was going to be in the area and I was coming with him.
One day before we moved, he pulled me aside and said that he wouldn’t be able to ask me to marry him. Although he had bought a ring and everything, his parents were against it and thought it was too soon and that since I was already moving across country with him why should he ask. He told me that he tried to convince him to let him but they wouldn’t give their approval. (btw he’s turning 29 this year) I never even realized that they didn’t like me this much until this happened. I’ve always tried to be nice to them but perhaps I’m not what they want.
He told me that he was going to propose but needed a few more months to get his parents to agree. I had no choice since my bags were packed and flight was booked. I also signed a contract for a job for 1 year. When we moved, I was worried about what my supervisors would say since i had no ring but had told them that i was engaged. He then gave me the ring and asked me to marry him on the floor of our apartment and said not to tell any of our old friends. He also said that he wanted to propose the right way sometime in the future
It’s been 4 months since we moved. I still haven’t told my parents and he hasn’t told his parents but I wear a ring everyday. Everyone at work keeps asking if we set a date yet and I’m so ashamed that i haven’t even told my mom yet. My mom loves him and keeps asking if we’re going to get married. I don’t know what to say.
I’ve been bringing it up more and more often. Now it’s gotten to a point where he wants me to decide whether or not he should propose before asking my parents permission in person or over the phone. The whole thing is completely void of romance. My bf/fiance just says it’s logical. I shouldn’t have to ask someone to propose. I don’t want to force him. I want him to stand up for me, defend me and ask me. What should I do?
I also need to add. He’s an amazing man. I’m not bashing him and he treats me like a princess every day. We get along very very well and almost never fight about anything else. What we have between us works for us on every level and I love him dearly.
all imput appreciated
Post # 3
He’s 29. He’s too old to base his proposal to you on his parents. It’s really nice if they’ll give their blessing, but at this stage in his life, it’s not required. Tell him that his romantic proposal in your apartment WAS the right way to propose, and tell him you’re eager to pick a date, with or without his parents’ blessing, but that for you are ready to start enjoying the excitement and fun of being engaged and you’re ready for your wait to be over.
Post # 4
@sillygirl2012: Personally I would give the ring back to him so you can say, “here it is, so you can propose like you wanted to.” And then wait. Mum’s the word. And if it’s 3 months til the end of your lease and talk about renewing comes up, and there’s no proposal, you discuss with him your options for finding your own place. You would be putting the ball in his court (giving the ring to him– not breaking your current “engagement” but just so he can propose with it)– and alluding to getting your own place if by a little less than a year after you moved he hasn’t done anything. You’d be giving him time and leaving him alone (not mentioning it) until a time you’ve decided upon (but not told him– just a date, say 3 months before the lease is up) when you’d enact plan b and allude to finding your own place. That’s how I would handle it. It’ll make it clear to him that your current situation is unacceptable. If people ask at work about the ring, I’d just say it’s getting repaired or something. It’s really none of their business. Hope that helps!
(I had to move with my SO prior to engagement, but I had a FIRM timeline in place beforehand, so I am still waiting btu I know it’s coming soon– or he knows there will be wrath! I’m keeping my mouth shut and hoping he’s got a plan! — but it is hard for me to believe that your SO is sooo concerned about what his parents think. Who knows, but I would handle it this way!)
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
especially at this age, he really needs to stop looking for his parents to approve every decision. He bought you a ring, so it looks like he wants to marry you. I really don’t understand what the problem is. It’s not like he needs to keep his parents happy because he’s still living with them.
I think you need to tell him to be a man and do what he wants, and forget everyone else.
Post # 6
@fishbone: I considered this when I wrote her my advice. It WAS romantic and whatnot…but the part that got me was that they had to keep it a secret. That’s not so romantic to me! If he was really wanting to propose he would have been shouting it from the rooftops, but that’s just me. 🙂 I do like your blunt approach to this, though! Really interesting 🙂
Post # 7
It’s time to nut up or shut up, you look that man in the eye and remind him just how far you’ve gone for his happiness, success and future, put that ring in his hand and say, “You do this right, or I’m gone.” He loves you, he’s got the ring, he knows the answer, at some point you’ve just got to DO IT…what are his parents going to do? Take away his birthday or something? And to hell with doing it “right” homeboy threw that out the window with the closet proposal in the apartment…give him a few ideas, make it easy, he’ll do it right, but he’s gotta know you mean business, enough is enough already!
Post # 8
Sorry that your proposal has played out this way.Hi is almost 30 and it sounds like you gave up a lot to move and be with him.Sit down and tell him how you feel.If he is ready to marry you,he needs to let them know so the two of you can move forward.good luck!
Post # 9
He is way too old to be listening to his parents. That being said, do you really want to enter a family you are not welcomed into?
Post # 10
He’s 29 and he won’t ask you to marry him because his parents won’t give him permission to marry you?
Is there some kind of cultural/religious thing going on here that you didn’t mention?
Post # 11
Thanks so much for all the imput ladies. I’m really thinking about everything you’re throwing out there
@futuremrsmp. This is a huge thing for me. It does bother me a lot that his parents wouldn’t even let him propose. It also bothers me that he listened. I can’t imagine planing a wedding where I know his parents disapprove inside.
Post # 12
@elvis. We’re asian. So yes we do like the respect of our parens but even if my mom disapproved I wouldn’t have hesitated in saying yes. I dunno
Post # 13
I think that your fiance just really really wants his parents approval ..since he is waiting for them to agree it just shows that he really takes their opinions and their thoughts into account and it some ways thats good that hes not a “rebel” BUT then again he IS 29 years old and should be able to do things on his own..but in this case if hes 100% sure his parents will come around then I think you should wait until its ok. I think within a year but after that you should tell him that its time to just forget what they think because if he cant change their minds in a year then I doubt it will happen.
Have you ever tried calling his mom? You should call her and just talk to her ask her how shes doing! Maybe take a weekend if you guys can and visit the parents or what not. It might do some good. Try to find things in common with her!
I dont think engagements have to be “special” or amazing or what not. My husband and I got engaged long distance (he was stationed in AK while we were dating so I was living in our hometown at the time) and I picked out my rings myself at the mall with my mom before I moved to AK to be with him haha. He proposed again in our new apartment and it was so cute but it wasnt like a fancy dinner or any sort of fancy anything haha.
What matters in the end is that you want to be with the one you love. It doesnt really matter what other people think..if you know hes a good man than do what your heart tells you and maybe after a year sit him down and tell him that he needs to do this for himself and not his parents! I know it would just be hard to enter a family that didn’t want you guys to get married yet but Im HOPING they will come around : )
Post # 14
I wouldn’t want to marry someone who’s family didn’t like me. My mom never got along with my dad’s side, and it was ALWAYS an issue on holidays and family events.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Put your foot down. You are both too old to be hiding an engagement like children from your parents. Tell him has X number of hours to tell his parents or you’re broadcasting it yourself. (one week tops but no more!) You shouldn’t be with someone who is ashamed of you and I would suggest that if he balks to start saving so you can get out of that relationship ASAP.
He does not respect you if he thinks this is appropriate in any way. I kept my first engagement a secret from my parents because I knew they didn’t approve and I was trying to find a way out of the relationship.
Post # 16
@fishbone: “He’s 29. He’s too old to base his proposal to you on his parents. It’s really nice if they’ll give their blessing, but at this stage in his life, it’s not required. Tell him that his romantic proposal in your apartment WAS the right way to propose, and tell him you’re eager to pick a date, with or without his parents’ blessing, but that for you are ready to start enjoying the excitement and fun of being engaged and you’re ready for your wait to be over.”
Completely agree with this.