Afraid I have feelings for my friend. Please help

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@beegoneanonsux924:  I think you really need to put a lot of thought into this marriage That you are about to begin. It honestly sounds like these feelings for your friend have not and will not go away, So I’m assuming that means something significant. Reread your post. You talk so highly of this friend and honestly, you just made it sound like your fiancé loves YOU so much. I understand you love him back but I think it’s different. I think you love him and you don’t want to hurt him….. I mean you are already predicting a passionless marriage , What does that tell you? Sometimes you don’t even realize the way you’re feeling until others point it out for you. I have seen so many friends go through the same scenario and it all ends the same way…. They don’t want to leave their guy because they don’t want to hurt his feelings but eventually it happens… You wouldn’t even be contemplating it if it weren’t something you were thinking about doing. I think you need to keep your fiancé’s feelings In mind but at the same time you do need to think about yourself, Don’t marry someone who you Feel deep down you may not be happy with! 🙁 Sorry this is long and choppy, i am on my iPhone  xox

Post # 4
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Well I think you shouldn’t get married yet if you are having mixed feelings. Before taking a big step like marriage you should definately sort out your feelings, and see where your heart really stands.

Post # 5
6194 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I think you just answered your own question with that last line. You only want to stay with your fi because he is nice and you feel bad. Never once in here did you actually expires a desire to be married to him. Break up with him and let him find someone who cares about him. 

After that, you can get a different apartment and maybe see how your friend feels.

Post # 6
1836 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

i think it is good that you’ve come to this realization.

getting married wouldn’t be fair to you nor to your fiance. i think you should break up and find temporary housing on craigslist until you figure out your next step.

i’m sorry!


Post # 7
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@beegoneanonsux924:  I have two things to say.  One, the way in which you talk about your husband and your relationship with him is probably not a good sign.  It doesn’t sound like you’re madly in love with him or ready to commit your entire life to him, or that you should.

That being said, are you sure you have actual feelings for this friend, other than lust?  Physical attraction is awesome, but that’s all I’m getting from you in this post.  He might be smokin hot, but does he have anything else to offer you in a relationship?  Could you see the other aspects of a relationship working with him?

If you’re not in love with your husband and you don’t feel any passion with him, I think you need to rethink this engagement.  However, the situation with your friend sounds like it might be nothing more than some shallow, sexual frustration.

Either way, you have to do right by yourself.  This is your whole life you’re talking about.  

Post # 8
1287 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@beegoneanonsux924:  This is quite a pickle for you…

There are so many thoughts I have/want to share, so I will try to make sense of them, and keep it as short as possible.

1) YES, there are definitive/concrete issues in your current relationship.  You guys seemingly have been thru a lot, and yet WORKED thru a lot, which I believe every relationship does, or will.  We cannot tell you if you are going to be happy with this man, only you need to find that out.  However, a wedding ring will not fix these problems.  And, being with someone because you may pity them is not fair.  With this said…

2) Are these issues more abundantly clear because there is someone else, of which you have explosive chemistry with, making you question your entire relationship?!  Probably, yes.  Although you seem to have some pretty good evidence of issues present in your relationship, I have to wonder if deep down you are comparing side A with side B.  THERE ARE NO ISSUES, a huge amount of passion, newness and excitable with with Side B…right NOW.  But I can gurantee you this, that if things do not work out with your FI, and you run right to your friend, those things you are feeling now will diminish and like most, if not all relationships, ‘issues’ will arise.  I.e., the grass is not always greener on the other side. 

Distancing youself completely from that friendship is imperative, so that any decision you make is coming from a clear-minded, thoughtful place, and not a place of lust.  At the very least, you owe that to your FI, the man whom you accepted your proposal (even if maybe you had cold feet, which I do not think is absolultey abnormal…even when people KNOW this is the ONE!!).


Post # 9
7997 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013


I think you really want what you can’t have. Even if you were with your friend romantically, I think that after a few months you’d get out of that super passionate mindset. Part of his appeal is because he’s the forbidden fruit. Once reality set in, it doesn’t sounds like something sustainable.. especially with the money issues. He’s this perfect fantasy right now, but trust me.. those lusty feelings will not last.

I’m not sure I like the way you talk about your FI, though. He attempted to cheat on you. You’re not his type physically (why on earth would he tell you?!), you don’t really talk about him in a loving way… and it sounds like your communications styles/love languages aren’t exactly compatible.

Marriage is a big step, and if you’re already envisioning the marriage going down this path, I think I would opt out. Divorce is expensive. Yeah it’ll suck it break up, but it’ll be worse to do this in a few years.

As for the friend… it doesn’t sound like it’ll end well. I think you need some time by yourself to figure out what you really want.

Post # 10
8387 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@beegoneanonsux924:  It sounds like you’re “settling” for your FI based on your post, you have to ask yourself if you’re really okay with that.

Post # 11
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@beegoneanonsux924:  Focus on one thing at a time.

Without thinking too much about the friend, I think you need to reconsider the marriage. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of reasons not to leave, but no reasons to stay. Describing a safe, passionless marriage is pretty depressing. I don’t think that would last for you guys, and I have a feeling neither of you would be happy.


If you DO break up with your fiance, please be kind enough to hold off on things with the friend. Maybe a conversation about how you are confused about things with him, but nothing official of physical for a little bit, in respect of your own confused feelings AND the feeling of your fi.

Post # 12
4576 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

“Lately when we talk, he is talking about how beautiful I am, how lucky my FI is, how I should be told every day how amazing I am…all that good sh*t girls want to hear.”

He’s testing the waters. I had a friend of 10 years like what you described: the stars just never aligned for us. He’d be seeing someone when I was single, and he’d tell me how much he loved her…but if he was single and I wasnt, he would say things *exactly* like what you are describing. He was absolutely trying to see how much he could get away with: he knew I was taken, and so does your friend.

I’m not saying he’s 100% insincere, but I would proceed with caution. The grass is NOT always greener, and you cannot be sure he’s not just wanting the forbidden fruit. In my case, I broke things off with a guy to try to make something happen with my friend, and he suddenly wasnt interested…until I got into another relatioship, and the sweet talk started all over. Some people want what they know they cannot have. I finally had to cut off communication with him altogether.

I think people should follow their heart, sure, but use your head: don’t throw away a good thing (if that’s what you feel it is) over something that may not be a sure thing.

Post # 13
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

I’m going to go against what PPs have said and say that I don’t think you should leave your fiance, at least not yet. To me, it sounds like lust for your friend. The only thing you really mention is this “heat” between you two, which is great! Passion is awesome. But you still have to have substance behind it. Maybe you do and just didn’t mention it in your OP, but to me it sounded like just lust.

I know how you feel. I once broke up with a good guy to be with a friend that I was crazy about. He was super hot and it was passionate like you’ve described. That didn’t work out even a little bit! While he was (and still is) an awesome friend, he was terrible in a dating situation. With my current BF, there’s way less passion. It’s not bad by any means, but he doesn’t light my fire like my friend did. But he’s SUCH an amazing guy and we have a great foundation to our relationship that it doesn’t matter. I tell you this only to caution you and open your mind about the possibilities.

Your FI sounds like a good, genuine guy. If he’s not the guy for you and you don’t love him enough to marry him, or if passion in a relationship is extremely important to you, then that’s perfectly ok! Let him go so you can both find who you’re meant to be with. But don’t dump him based on the lack of passion or feelings of lust.

Post # 14
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I don’t know if you noticed this, but not ONCE in your post did you say you love your FI. Not once. You only talk about how much HE loves YOU.

I agree with the others that you want to be with him because you feel guilty that you’d hurt him, and I do think you love him but I don’t think it’s in the right way. You need to re-think your marriage plans because you may have another scenario come up, which is that you get bored with the vanilla with your FI once you’re married and your feelings don’t go away and then you cheat on him with your friend.

Might as well just get it over with. Find somewhere cheaper to live and call it gravy. I’d rather do it now than 5 years after we’re married and I finally admit that I never had the feelings or the passion to make it what I want and now I feel trapped.

ETA: Maybe this is just some kind of internal panic/cold feet thing too, though. maybe you’re afraid of making the commitment right now. Maybe it is just lust, as others have said. =


Post # 15
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

Oops, I missed the part about the issues with your relationship! It doesn’t change my answer, but I definitely agree that looking deeper into these issues is a good idea. Maybe try some premarital counseling?

Post # 16
1287 posts
Bumble bee

seems like you are already planning moving in with this other guy if you break up with your FI? Seems like you don’t want to be with your FI? Those conversations with this other guy means a lot more.  Don’t get married, break off the engagement or post pone it and gather your emotions before you take anything any further.

But sometimes, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side… 

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