Post # 1
The one and only time we had a real talk about it was late last fall. And in a restaurant. So it wasn’t discussed to great lengths. All I got out of it was that yes, DH wants kids, but he’s not ready “yet”.
I’ve been bringing up kids during certain instances, and once or twice my concerns of parenting and the only response I’ve got is “that’s why I’m not a Dad yet.” He changes the subject or doesn’t catch on to the fact that I want to actually talk about it.
Does this mean I should drop it? Wait until HE’S ready to talk about it or bring it up? Or should I just bite the bullet, sit him down and say, “I’m ready! When are you going to be? Lets talk about it!” I mean, I try to psyche myself up to do it when we’re sitting at home, but I chicken out every single time. I don’t know what I’m afraid of… that he’ll say he won’t be for quite a few more years? That he’ll come up with excuses why I shouldn’t have a child?
I think about it everyday, but it doesn’t happen…
Post # 3
@CherryWaves: …he’s your husband. I would hope you are comfortable talking about everything with him, especially big issues. Children are an important issue to be on the same page about – it’s not like you can have half a child. He needs to be open and honest with you about his timeframe…it’s not like you have unlimited time to conceive. You should not wait for him to bring it up (he has shown no signs of doing do), especially if it is top of mind for you. I would say that you two need to reach a resolution on this issue ASAP.
Post # 4
FI and i aren’t married yet and we’re not TTC yet but we definitely had to set a timeline for that because although FI wants to be a dad, he’s just scared. he wanted to TTC when we are in our mid thirties which i was NOT okay with. i wanted to have peace of mind that once we got married, we would have a good idea of when we would start to TTC so we would be on the same page. i was very nervous because these discussions usually turn sort of heated for us. i finally sat him down and we just had an honest and open discussion about it. it was sort of stressful and i get nervous about things like this so i know how you feel. the best thing to do is just to talk it out. like really communicate.
Post # 5
Hmmm. This is definitely something that’s worth talking about in a sit-down-we’re-doing-this-now-goddammit kind of way. Are you on hormonal BC now? I found that what really eased the transition into full-on let’s have a kid already talk was taking it in steps — that is, first we talked about when I should get off the Pill, because it can take so long to get your body back to normal. We decided I would quit last September, with the understanding that actually TTC would still be a ways off. So that was Step 1. But once Step 1 was complete, it was much easier for DH to consider Step 2. The knowledge that I wasn’t on birth control made him suddenly start getting totally excited about having a baby, and lo and behold, a few months later we decided to hell with waiting and just went for it!
So, perhaps breaking the conversation into more manageable steps would make it a little easier for him? Men ALWAYS seem to be the ones dragging ass on this particular issue, haha. So you may not want to just wait on him to be ready. You might be waiting forever!
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
You just have to start a direct conversation. You may not get the answer you want, but at least you’ll get some sort of answer.
Trust me, I know how hard it is. We had 100% agreed to no more kids (we have a teenager), and then I had a radical change of heart. Telling him that I wanted to throw our 10 year plan straight out of the window and have a baby was tough because I knew it was going to rock his world. But it had to be done. It wasn’t a pretty conversation, to say the least. But we kept talking through everything and got to a place we could both live with. Things are on hold for us while DH makes a pretty big job change, but we’ve agreed to re-visit the conversation in the fall. Was it the answer I wanted? Heck no. But at least we’re openly communicating, even when it’s on such a difficult issue.
Post # 7
@CherryWaves: You need to sit him down and have an open discussion about it. The truth is, if you can’t talk to him about having a baby, you aren’t ready to have a baby. It’s a huge step, and if you’re not able to openly talk about timeline with your husband, how are you going to handle all of the other decisions that come along with parenting? It’s for sure a nerve-inducing conversation, but you won’t know what he’s thinking about it until you talk about it. And he needs to know where your thinking is on babies.
Post # 8
Sigh. The whole “indirect subtle hint” thing that so many women do is so frustrating to me. Subtle hints are not an effective form of communication. Try these questions:
1. When do you see yourself being ready for a kid?
2. What factors went into that vision/timeline?
3. Is there anything that you think we need to accomplish before kids? (amount in savings, personal goals, growth, awareness, etc)
And then be ready to discuss these things with him from your perspective.
If you can’t discuss one of the most important life changing events possible, what is the point of having a life partner?
Post # 9
@iarebridezilla: That was how it was for us, too. We never really talked about it until I decided to change birth controls and he suggested I just not go back on it. We are not exactly trying right now, and probably will not be for another year or so, but the birth control topic was a good way to begin talking about a timeline and what we might want for the future. We talk about a family openly now and it’s such a relief!
OP, just go for it and talk to him. Once you have the initial conversation, it gets easier from there. In my experience, a lot of men just don’t bring it up because they are super scared of the whole thing – being a dad, you being pregnant, you and the baby being safe during delivery, etc – so they just choose not to bring it up.
Post # 10
Thanks ladies! I know I just need a good kick in the pants to get me into gear.
@iarebridezilla: @soyjoy222: I am on hormonal BC, and I actually recently changed (around the time I had that actual talk with DH) to a type with a much lower dosage. Ideally, since my prescription is up in the fall, I would like to go off of it then and not get another prescription. Start charting, figuring out how my body works and start trying end of the year, beginning into the next. But, as @lovekiss: says, I probably won’t get the answer I want.
I know I won’t know until I talk to DH. Maybe I’ll be wrong, but I can see him saying that he’s not ready right now, lets talk about it later and he won’t give me any specific timeline.
Post # 11
I would simply get courage and ask him: when do you want us to have kids? because i’ve been thinking about it a lot
Post # 12
@CherryWaves: Honestly, if you’re having an open discussion with him, it’s not fair for him to continue to beat around the bush. Sometimes, you just have to make them give you an answer. If he’s not being specific, tell him you want him to think seriously about it and that you’ll give him a couple days with his thoughts, but assure him that you will be talking about it again in a few days and you need an answer. Obviously, you can’t force him to have kids and you want him to be ready, too, but if it’s something important to you (which I’m sure it is), he needs to know that and be open and honest (and clear) about his thoughts on the matter too.
Post # 13
I agree with PP. This is a conversation you need to have directly and soon. He’s your husband and you have to feel comfortable discussing uncomfortable things, such as children and finances. DH and I have discussed children since our first year of being together, which I’m sure people will think is too soon but at least we know we weren’t wasting each other’s time. This is usually one of the things that people don’t budge on. I personally know of several couples that got a divorce (some after a whopping 10 years) because one spouse was never ready and finally admitted later on that they will never be ready and that’s a deal breaker.
Post # 14
He is your husband. Just ask him. “So (name) when do you think we should start trying to conceive?” Maybe he wants to hit a certain age or reach a certain milestone.
Post # 16
I pissed mine off royally with all of this, and it was beautiful. He would also deflect when I tried to ask – “We’ll talk about it later,” or the ever-reluctant, “I’m not ready yet.”
I told him those weren’t answers. Talk about it later – when? Aren’t ready yet – why? You need to ask follow-up questions. Mine wasn’t pleased that I was calling him out on his vague answers, but in the end, it was actually very productive for us.
For some men, it can be fear of becoming a dad – a permanent life change, a fear of not doing well as a father, anything. It could be finances. Maybe he incorrectly (or correctly) feels he needs a lot more money, a bigger place.
You owe it to yourself to find out what that reasoning may be.