Afraid to be without my SO, but unhappy in my relationship

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7654 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

After all, I won’t meet a guy at home in front of the tv.

That’s what I said when I was in my trainwreck of a 3 1/2 year relatrionship with a guy similar to yours. Then, after a night of me working my ass off to pay the bills, I came home to find him dead drunk in the chair and unable to respond. It took a bathroom fight with his brother and him spewing offensive comments for me to finally wise up and realize I didn’t deserve any of this. (by the way I was engaged to this guy, had the dress, and photographer all paid)

I got myself on eHarmony, found a great guy, and have been with him for 4 years–married for nealy two and have a son now. When one door closes, another opens. Don’t “settle” just because you don’t want to start over.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by  megz06.
Post # 3
Member
6884 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

megz06:  YES!

Confusedbee23:  Similar situation as Megz. I dated a controlling alcoholic before I met my DH. It’s not worth it!! Do not waste your youth just because you are comfortable! Can you imagine what this world would be like if no one ever took risks or went out of their comfort zone? Besides that, you two sound like opposites (just going by this 1 post). It sounds like you would be better off dating someone that shares your same values. This is probably really important if you want to ever have children with him too… you need to be on the same page on issues like drug/alcohol/tobacco use, IMO. 

Post # 4
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Confusedbee23:  I agree with PP about online dating, it’s really a great way to meet people when you don’t know anyone. I have half my friends in my current city because they were/are friends with a guy I met online! He’s a good guy, just we weren’t at all compatible lol. And it’s how I met my FI. I used OKCupid, it’s free and has a lot of people in their mid-20s. And Tindr is really popular now too.

You can’t be with this guy, he hasn’t shown you that you can trust him to be what you need.

Post # 5
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I just went through a breakup last month. I loved my boyfriend but had to end it because deep down he was not “the one” and not ready to commit and be mature.  

I live in a small town where I had no friends. I have joined two organizations (running club and young professionals group), signed up for nextdoor.com to meet my neighbors, and signed up for a dating site and have been asked on several dates. If you need ideas for things to join, let me know.

All in all, I’m happy. Obviously I miss the ex still sometimes, but I’m moving on. You won’t have friends overnight but you will definitely find some if you put yourself out there (even though that’s scary too). 

Being scared of finding friends or another boyfriend is no reason to stay with someone who is not right for you. Good luck! Feel free to PM me. 

Post # 6
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Confusedbee23: you seem really nice, so I’m not sure why you’re beating a dead horse. Not only has he disregarded your POV, he’s doubling down on what he’s doing. When you move on from him, there’s tons of places where you can meet friends and when you’re ready, a potential partner. 

It’s not just bars or clubs — meetup.com, eventbrite.com and volunteer / church groups are all potential venues you can meet people who share the same interests / values. 

Post # 7
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

The other ladies have good advice about leaving. I just want to say, vape cigs aren’t drug-free. The flavored oils have nicotine, and I know ppl in states where weed is legal who put weed oils in those to vape weed. It sounds like he lies to you, and like you have different beliefs and priorities. You are young and will meet someone new.

Post # 8
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I spent 3 1/2 years in a relationship with someone I didnt even like because I didn’t really have any friends left and I was afraid to break up with him. I even had myself convinced that the whole butterflies in your stomach thing was a big fat lie. I thought love was exaggerated, and that most relationships really weren’t that great. I was wrong – so very wrong.

I don’t think getting him to see your point of view is the answer here. If he doesn’t want to make any changes, he’s not going to and you can’t make him. It sounds like you two have different values, and that’s a pretty big thing. I remember my ex boyfriend always told me my expectations were too high, and I always told him if he didn’t want to meet them, someone else would.

I finally worked up the courage to break up with him and for a little while, I really had no one. I had to regain some old friendships, and make some new ones. I was really uncomfortable for awhile, but it got easier, and I eventually met the most amazing man I’ve ever known. Some days I’m honestly in awe that this is my life. Do not settle. There are too many things you’ll miss out on if you do.

Post # 9
Member
2116 posts
Buzzing bee

Confusedbee23:  Similar situtation here, too…

I was in a horrible relationship. A lot of break up/make up maybe things can change etc. I kept giving him chance after chance and thought “ok, after he finishes that or gets done with this we will be happy again” but honey, it never comes. My ex was a loser like yours. Nice enough guy but hung out with idiots who smoke and drank all day. He would lie to me and tell me he quit smoking, or that he went to work when really he was too hung over, or that he hadnt smoked pot today etc etc etc. 

I isolated myself as well, i eventually shut everyone out because I was embarrassed of our relationships. I didn’t want to admit it wasnt all sunshines and rainbows. Then i realized how much more i was unhappy than happy. Who wants to live like that? I was sad almost every day, that is ridiculous! I am a young 20 something year old girl who deserves better life than this. I will admit it was hard, because i was so use to hanging with him all the time. But eventually it got easier. and you know what? I am happy every day. Not all day everyday, but every. damn. day. Don’t you think you deserve that?

I took every chance there was to do something new and take my mind off of things. Join a class, go out when invited (even if you dont feel like it) – you never know when you might have fun. BUT i will say i also met my new SO online on a chat app on my phone, so no you dont have to leave the house to find a new guy haha. 

Post # 10
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Your post makes me very sad.  It sounds like you are settling and no girl should ever have to settle in her relationship, really no guy should either. When you talk about your relationship you sound sad and beaten down, not happy and excited like you should feel. Yes every relationship has problems but the good has to outweigh the bad or BOTH people in the relationship need to be able to communicate and compromise but he isn’t doing that. I want you to answer two very important questions. Are you happy in your relationship right now? Will you be happy if this behavior continues for the rest of your life? Because he shows no sign of changing and you will have to live with him like this forever if you choose to stay. You have to find a way to be happy in life because if you don’t you will regret the decisions you made. This isn’t about him or him willing to change, it’s about you finding the strength to do what makes you happy.

Post # 11
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You two aren’t compatible. I wouldn’t be a fan of drug use or drinking, either.

I would like to clear something up, however. Electronic cigarettes do NOT vaporize oil. As a matter of fact, only someone wishing for a serious lung problem would try to vaporize oil. I’m also not sure what makes a completely carcinogen, smoke, and odor free device “trashy.”

Would you consider nicotine gum, patches, or prescribed inhalers to be trashy?

Post # 12
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

megz06:  Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Being afraid to start over and seek out something better is NOT a reason to NOT break up with someone.

Life is so much better single and free, than in a relationship but unhappy. 

Post # 13
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

megz06:  i’m marrying a guy i met on match.com 🙂 

Post # 14
Member
34 posts
Newbee

Confusedbee23:  This absolutely sucks for you and I’m sorry you’re going through this… You can attempt to talk to him, but he has an addiction and that is controlling his life and decision-making. When talking to him word things that explain how it makes you feel (ie. “when you want to seek out another habit, it makes me feel…..”), this will avoid him feeling attacked. However he has to want to help himself and he needs to come to that conclusion on his own. The best approach would be to offer assistance in him getting help (ie. going to doctor with him, being supportive) and assess his level of willingness to change. If he’s dismissive or denies having a problem, it’s in your best interests to walk away.

On a sid note, with regard to dating, you haven’t ended your relationship yet and you’re already thinking about a future relationship. I do understand the fears that go with breakups (I was in a 9 year relationship which ended, so I get it), but I feel it’s important to become happy with who you are without someone else. A partner does not complete you, you need to be complete already. With regard to the not having many social outlets, creat opportunities for yourself. Join a sports team, join a club, go online and find groups for making friends in your area. There are so many ways if you are willing.

All the best with the chat with you boyfriend x

Post # 15
Member
308 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Courthouse

It might also help if you go on a 2 week trip WITHOUT him and realize “Ya know…I really don’t need this guy”. That’s how I figured out that I would be OK without my emotionally abusive ex. 

If you have offered help for him in the past and he’s not taking that into consideration or acting upon it, then there is nothing you can do. A lot of women need to stop trying to “fix” their men..it’s so unhealthy to put so much effort into something that in the long run is not worth the time,energy, and love.

 

Good luck xx

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