Afraid to tell my father how serious my boyfriend and I are.

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1072 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

How old are you and how long have you and your boyfriend been dating? I definitely don’t think it’s a good thing to rush into marriage, so your father may have a point there, for all he sounds a bit scary and abusive.

Post # 4
Member
1899 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

This is just my opinion but owning a house with someone is almost as much of a big commitment as getting engaged to someone!! That already strongly indicates to me that you are in a serious relationship together, and I’m pretty sure your Dad will have noticed that 🙂 Yay! Good luck with your degree!

Post # 5
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

The thing about controlling people is that they can only really exercise that control if you let them.

Quite clearly your father’s control goes way beyond fatherly protectiveness since he was prepared to use violence in order to keep you in line. Therefore I really think you owe him very little. If you already own a house together that’s as great a commitment as an agreement to marry. So I wouldn’t offer your father the opportunity to comment on your engagement until you ARE engaged. If you think he will flip out in a way that compromises your safety then this is one of those rare occasions when a face to face encounter may be unwise and he may have to be told by phone call.

Either way, decline to allow him a negative opinion. If he flares up then simply say that your mind is made up, you and your FI are very happy with the decision to marry and that you’d hoped your father could also support your decision. If not then that really is HIS problem and not yours. But for sure, all the while he cannot be trusted to respond appropriately, I’d be very wary of involving your father in any aspect of your life as an independent adult.

Post # 6
Member
8018 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you need to really detatch yourself emotionally from your father and his opinions. You aren’t with in his grasp of control but it seems like you still feel that way. You have a lot of fear regarding him, makes sense seeing as he abused you violently- have you ever talked through that with a therapist? 

I would for sure, they also can help prepare you and advise you for how to have a relationship with him moving forward. All your ducks seem to be in a row except your feelings about Dad- I would work through that until you get to a place of confidence – not crumbling. Then you can tell him. 

Post # 7
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I don’t think anything really needs to be said until you are actually engaged.

At that point announce it! If he is on board, great! If not, move on. Do not let your father’s issues (and they really are his) determine your happiness or state of mind.

Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with MeandMyLouboutins:  I don’t think you need to say anything until you are actually engaged, if your dad hasn’t noticed that you and SO are serious after buying a house together then he’s daft anyway.

Post # 9
Member
222 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’m sure your father realizes this is a serious relationship, considering you own a house together and live together for the last year. Even if he won’t admit it, that’s serious stuff that is geared towards marriage. You do not need your father’s validation to get married. However, how do your other family members feel about your boyfriend? Are they accepting of him and supportive of your relationship? If multiple family members are concerned, it’s worth listening to them and taking their concerns with a grain of salt. If it’s just your father who is concerned and everyone else is supportive, I would try your best to not let your father get to you, that’s what he is trying to do.

Post # 10
Member
3344 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

Your father beat you and you still talk to him?!  I would cut him out of my life.  He’s a horrible person.  But that’s not what you asked…

Since you’re not egnaged yet, why bring it up at all?  You know he’s not going to react well so it sounds like it will stir up trouble for no reason.  Wait until you’re actually engaged and then tell him.  Or if it were me, I’d wait till I was already married.  Screw this jerk who abuses children.

Post # 12
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

eveline:  You teach people how to treat you. Simply tell him and if there is an issue calmly explain that you are an adult capable of making your own decisions and that you’ve done well thus far. Let him know if he raised you well, he should have nothing to worry about. I wouldn’t give any man whose ever hit me any time of day even if he was my father. (I’ve got nothing against the occasional spanking if deserved) but to slap your young daughter across the face is TOTALLY unacceptable… he even broke your galsses!?

If he cannot respect your decisions without attempting to control you, cut him out of your life until he learns how to behave. 

 

Post # 13
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

It sounds like you’re scared to tell your father because you’re scared of him. And I don’t blame you; he sounds very frightening.

But he’s not in control of you now, so whatever you do or don’t do, you’re not asking him, you’re telling him. You are clearly a responsible person. When the time comes just keep that in mind. If he starts yelling or whatever (shudder), just tell him you’re sorry he feels that way and LEAVE. Or better yet, just call him. 

But stop worrying about the future! Enjoy being young, happy and with a really solid guy. 😀

Post # 15
Member
811 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ok. I can seriously relate.

WHen dealing with controlling people it is really important to compartmentalize things into what YOU can control, vs. what is in your Dad’s control.

His reaction is out of your control, so don’t stress over it. There is nothing you can do about it.

Focus on what is in your control, act in a way that you can be at peace with, and then let it go. If you feel as though he should be told, tell him to be at peace with your end of this situation.

(If you already own a home together, honestly he already knows that you are serious if he has a brain in his head. It just goes again towards what I was saying about how there is nothing that you can do to control his negative reaction, if that is how he chooses nto respond.)

Post # 16
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

why do you have to tell him? You are an adult payine for yourself and not to mention doing so with your SO I think that shows how serious you are as is…. When you get engaged thats when he can find out how “serious” you are…..

its time to take pride in your self and be the adult you are and everyone will treat as such ( Ihope anyway for dad) ….

congrats on life you seem to have really started a happiness for yourself and that is something to beyond proud of …

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