Post # 1
Alright, I know that I shouldn’t be afraid of telling my dad how serious SO and I are because it’s my life, and I live on my own already, but it is hard nevertheless. A little history first. My dad and mom never had a good relationship, and they argued a lot when I was little. Like screaming arguments. My father was never abusive to my mom, but beat me with a belt before, hit me so hard it left bruises, hit me across the back with a cane, and slapped me in the face so hard once it broke my new glasses. He has always been a hard man, and when I first told him my boyfriend and I were together, when I still lived with my parents and I was already an adult at the time (18), he demanded I dump my boyfriend immediately and never speak to him again. He kept saying how I was too young to have a boyfriend, and that I need more experience with other guys before getting one. (SO is my first boyfriend) All of this for no reason since he had never met my boyfriend and I have always been a trustworthy, straight and narrow kind of girl. My father is just simply controlling. I was 18 and if I went for a walk, he’d try to get me to either stay home or let him follow me with the car so something didn’t happen to me. (safe neighborhood too so it was very frustrating) So I moved out last July and moved into a new house with my boyfriend. After that, my dad was a bit better, but actually told my cousin he was afraid I’d get caught up in the passion and get pregnant. Really?? Anyway. I guess I’m looking for comfort here. I’m terrified to tell him that my boyfriend and I are looking to get engaged soon. I think he’s still holding onto the hope SO and I will break up and I’ll have “more experience with guys.” By the way, I don’t want other experiences. I truly know SO is my soulmate, and he is the most wonderful person I’ve ever met. I’ve gone through a lot in life, and nobody has been there for me like he has.
Post # 2
How old are you and how long have you and your boyfriend been dating? I definitely don’t think it’s a good thing to rush into marriage, so your father may have a point there, for all he sounds a bit scary and abusive.
Post # 3
Penang1885: I’m going to be 20 in less than three weeks, and my boyfriend is 24. I’m nearly done with my associates degree, SO has a bachelor’s degree, and we own a house together. We have been together for two years, and living together for one. We haven’t really rushed at all, considering we waited a year before moving in together and have lived together for almost a year before talking about engagement. My father is very controlling and flips out over everything.
Post # 4
- Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2
This is just my opinion but owning a house with someone is almost as much of a big commitment as getting engaged to someone!! That already strongly indicates to me that you are in a serious relationship together, and I’m pretty sure your Dad will have noticed that 🙂 Yay! Good luck with your degree!
Post # 5
The thing about controlling people is that they can only really exercise that control if you let them.
Quite clearly your father’s control goes way beyond fatherly protectiveness since he was prepared to use violence in order to keep you in line. Therefore I really think you owe him very little. If you already own a house together that’s as great a commitment as an agreement to marry. So I wouldn’t offer your father the opportunity to comment on your engagement until you ARE engaged. If you think he will flip out in a way that compromises your safety then this is one of those rare occasions when a face to face encounter may be unwise and he may have to be told by phone call.
Either way, decline to allow him a negative opinion. If he flares up then simply say that your mind is made up, you and your FI are very happy with the decision to marry and that you’d hoped your father could also support your decision. If not then that really is HIS problem and not yours. But for sure, all the while he cannot be trusted to respond appropriately, I’d be very wary of involving your father in any aspect of your life as an independent adult.
Post # 6
I think you need to really detatch yourself emotionally from your father and his opinions. You aren’t with in his grasp of control but it seems like you still feel that way. You have a lot of fear regarding him, makes sense seeing as he abused you violently- have you ever talked through that with a therapist?
I would for sure, they also can help prepare you and advise you for how to have a relationship with him moving forward. All your ducks seem to be in a row except your feelings about Dad- I would work through that until you get to a place of confidence – not crumbling. Then you can tell him.
Post # 7
I don’t think anything really needs to be said until you are actually engaged.
At that point announce it! If he is on board, great! If not, move on. Do not let your father’s issues (and they really are his) determine your happiness or state of mind.
Post # 8
I agree with MeandMyLouboutins: I don’t think you need to say anything until you are actually engaged, if your dad hasn’t noticed that you and SO are serious after buying a house together then he’s daft anyway.
Post # 9
I’m sure your father realizes this is a serious relationship, considering you own a house together and live together for the last year. Even if he won’t admit it, that’s serious stuff that is geared towards marriage. You do not need your father’s validation to get married. However, how do your other family members feel about your boyfriend? Are they accepting of him and supportive of your relationship? If multiple family members are concerned, it’s worth listening to them and taking their concerns with a grain of salt. If it’s just your father who is concerned and everyone else is supportive, I would try your best to not let your father get to you, that’s what he is trying to do.
Post # 10
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
Your father beat you and you still talk to him?! I would cut him out of my life. He’s a horrible person. But that’s not what you asked…
Since you’re not egnaged yet, why bring it up at all? You know he’s not going to react well so it sounds like it will stir up trouble for no reason. Wait until you’re actually engaged and then tell him. Or if it were me, I’d wait till I was already married. Screw this jerk who abuses children.
Post # 11
Thank you for all your responses! Everyone loves my boyfriend, and my mom even calls him her son since I never had any brothers lol. Thank you for all the encouragement. I tend to overplan and overthink things, and you’re right, I don’t owe anything to him, and I don’t need to tell him or even think about telling him until I’m engaged.
Post # 12
eveline: You teach people how to treat you. Simply tell him and if there is an issue calmly explain that you are an adult capable of making your own decisions and that you’ve done well thus far. Let him know if he raised you well, he should have nothing to worry about. I wouldn’t give any man whose ever hit me any time of day even if he was my father. (I’ve got nothing against the occasional spanking if deserved) but to slap your young daughter across the face is TOTALLY unacceptable… he even broke your galsses!?
If he cannot respect your decisions without attempting to control you, cut him out of your life until he learns how to behave.
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
It sounds like you’re scared to tell your father because you’re scared of him. And I don’t blame you; he sounds very frightening.
But he’s not in control of you now, so whatever you do or don’t do, you’re not asking him, you’re telling him. You are clearly a responsible person. When the time comes just keep that in mind. If he starts yelling or whatever (shudder), just tell him you’re sorry he feels that way and LEAVE. Or better yet, just call him.
But stop worrying about the future! Enjoy being young, happy and with a really solid guy. 😀
Post # 15
Ok. I can seriously relate.
WHen dealing with controlling people it is really important to compartmentalize things into what YOU can control, vs. what is in your Dad’s control.
His reaction is out of your control, so don’t stress over it. There is nothing you can do about it.
Focus on what is in your control, act in a way that you can be at peace with, and then let it go. If you feel as though he should be told, tell him to be at peace with your end of this situation.
(If you already own a home together, honestly he already knows that you are serious if he has a brain in his head. It just goes again towards what I was saying about how there is nothing that you can do to control his negative reaction, if that is how he chooses nto respond.)
Post # 16
why do you have to tell him? You are an adult payine for yourself and not to mention doing so with your SO I think that shows how serious you are as is…. When you get engaged thats when he can find out how “serious” you are…..
its time to take pride in your self and be the adult you are and everyone will treat as such ( Ihope anyway for dad) ….
congrats on life you seem to have really started a happiness for yourself and that is something to beyond proud of …