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Everyone keeps telling me to "WAIT! until you just can't wait anymore!" But I don't know if I'll ever quite get there...
if you aren't already an aunt, maybe that will be telling...I was going through a 'no kid' phase when I first became and aunt (granted, in undergrad)...but, as soon as I saw my niece it was ON! I haven't had doubts since then and now have a major baby bug. At least you have time to decide, and you could always adopt later, too!
I'm an only child!!! Boooo!!! Mr. Peng's step sister is pregnant, but we only really see them at Christmas... not enough time to really get lots of baby time. I'm definitely all about adopting as well!
I was definitely queen of the "no kids" club until I got pregnant with my daughter. She is 12 now...but I still don't really like the idea of her being an only child...plus...I LOVE babies. My FI and I want 1 or 2. Some people just don't want kids and that's OK. I have a good friend who got married and neither her or her husband have ANY desire to have kids...now or later...ain't gonna happen for them. If you don't have the bug...don't worry about it...you have time and there's always adoption or being a foster parent if the bug hits later on in life.
Pengy- I'm with you. I love children, but I love giving them back to their parents. And, to be totally 100% honest, I find kids in singular numbers kinda...well...boring :) I want a room full of them. Don't get me wrong, I love to snuggle a cute wee one, but after 15 minutes, I'm kinda done...
I'm getting really close to 30, so with our impending nuptials, the parent inquiries about grandbabies have started...and I want to be sure I'm having kids because we want them and not b/c we want our parents to have the experience of being a grandparent.
It is tough!
DH and I definitely want kids (well, I'm not necessary thrilled about HAVING them in the physical sense, but neither of us has any doubt about wanting to raise one or two). But we're in the same position of not knowing when to go for it. I'm just finishing up law school and I'm pretty sure I don't want to actually be a lawyer...but I need to find some kind of job so we can move out of this holding pattern we're in right now, find a house, pay off my loans, put some more money away, and then think about kids. No idea when that's going to be, though, and I wish we could say "we're going to start trying in two years" or something more definite like that. Especially now that one of my good friends/classmates is just pregnant with her second child, and I'm super happy for her but at the same time, it's hit me harder than I ever thought it would...
It never kicked in for me and luckily FI feels the same way I do. I think I'm too old to have the clock suddenly kick in. I think I was born missing the "clock" gene! I know a ton of people who are not having kids so for us, it's not strange.
I'm not sure fear of regret is a good reason to do anything (or not do anything)! We all make the best decisions we can for us at any one time and if later down the track you wish you'd had a baby, you'll just have to remind yourself that it was the best decision at the time. It might suck but it would be better than regretting having a baby :) My FH feels the same as you, we are not intending on babies for another few years yet. I wouldn't worry about it too much, some people just don't want to be parents and that is totally fine :)
We're in a different boat. We want kids as soon as we're financially able. I already feel like i'm getting too old to have kids when most of my friends and family had at least one child in their mid to late twenties and here i am in my thirties with no babies in the near future. i'm resigning myself to the fact that Mr. Contrary and I will be old parents (a mildly unpleasant thought) but i hope we won't be that couple that people think... "i thought those were his/her grandparents!" ack.
I'm 38 and never felt the need to have kids. I am, however, kind of a thrill seeker and wanted to make sure I didn't miss out on any of the experiences that life has open to me. For me, having the experience of having and raising a kid seems like one of those pinnacle experiences that I'd like to have. I'm sure being a pediatrician has something to do with my thoughts on that.
I don't think there's ever a right or wrong time, but whatever you guys decide is going to be the absolute right thing for you... Like if for example, an accident happened and you did just happen to get pregnant, then it would be the right time... not because of fate or anything, but because you'd make it work. And if you sincerely felt like there was just no way that you will ever be ready, and you wait forever, then that's the absolute right decision for you.
I hope I'm making sense, because it makes perfect sense in my head.
Mr. Lab and I are in the boat where we both know we want kids but feel like we'll never be ready financially or free-timely (if that's a word???). I just can't picture ever being at a point where we feel like we have the money and time to raise children. We're both very selfish and know kids aren't in the immediate future, but WHEN? Is there ever REALLY a right time? What if we have the money but feel at that time that it's not enough? Lots of what ifs!
Thanks so much for writing this post, Pengy. I feel like this all the time. I know we both want to have kids someday, but I kinda wonder if I'll ever get "Baby Fever" like some of my friends have experienced. I love children (as an early childhood teacher) and know on an intellectual level that I would love to be a mom someday. However, as much as I love everyone else's kids, I've yet to have the "I want one of these" feeling. I wonder if I'm ever going to suddenly feel that urge, or if we'll just get to a point where my age forces the issue and we just decide "if we're going to do this then we should start now..." We've definitely gotten the full court press from family members--people started asking me AT OUR WEDDING RECEPTION when we were going to have a baby! Dude! Anyway, we're not in a financial position to be ready for a baby anytime soon, so they're just going to have to wait!
I guess I'm just going to wait and see how things go. I am interested to see if I actually ever get The Baby Fever or not.
Pengy, I'm in your WANT to want to have kids boat too!! My friends have always said that I am the "mothering/homemaker" type, so I always thought I would be a good mom someday... I just don't know when that someday will be! I don't feel as if I could be responsible for another FRAGILE human life at this point, and wonder when I'll ever be. I think Mr. E is more ready for kids than I am at this point. Eeks...
are you on the pill? granted, I went off the pill to try to have babies, but it is so much more intense of a baby fever now! maybe the pill mutes it
You just described my feelings exactly. Some things make me feel like, "aw, maybe I could see myself with a kid someday... in the distant future" but others make me think, "ugh, I'm glad that's so far off." R is the exact same way, and so we're constantly saying we should have kids, we'll regret it if we don't, but there's not much conviction there. I don't want to have a kid for at least 10 years anyway, but even then it's hard to imagine being ready.
Glad I'm not the only one! Most people I know either definitely do or definitely don't want kids, as well.
My hubs and I are both in our early 30's, both only children, and both seem to be missing "the clock gene". We came into our relationship knowing that we weren't sure on kids, and we're still as unsure. We joke all the time about what a baby in our life would mean and change, but yet neither of us "craves" that mythical baby. Our parents want grandbabies, but having a child so that our parents can be grandparents isn't a good reason to have a child (or at least not in our opinions). We're older, set in our ways, and having to plan where to board the doggy for last minute travels is confining enough....so yeah...long story.....we are on a similar boat and might just continue to sail around the world on it for quite a few more turns.
I am so worried about being able to provide for my future lil ones. FH is SO READY to have kids. At first it was kind of weird to me that he was so into having kids "right now," but seeing him with his niece just shows how good a dad he is going to be. He is always talking about kids and how he can't wait until I've got a "bun" in my 'ove. I'm still terrified of physically having the kids, and terrified of the responsibility.
OH man, frankly, the older I get the more I understand exactly how popping out a kid will change my life. I do want children, as does FI, but I want to postpone them for a while. I'll be 27 when we marry, he'll be 32. It doesn't seem "fair" to make him wait till he's like 37 (and I'm 32), but right now there are still so many things I want to accomplish before baby time!
I feel like I was more ready for a kid at 21 than I am at nearly 27. By ready, I mean terribly naive...
Thank you SO much for this post! While I"m only 23, there's still SO much I want to do and see and I can't even IMAGINE having kids right now. People think I am SO weird for this and it really annoys me... thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.
@mountainbride - I totally agree! But at the same time, do parents ever regret having their kids? I think 99.9 percent of parents, accidental, on purpose, or otherwise, say their children are the highlight of their lives. Maybe it's just been engrained in our brains by our parents -- "If you don't have kids you'll regret it! Having kids makes you want to make the world a better place!"
They're definitely not encouraging us to have kids anytime soon, but they definitely say things like this to us. It just feels like I'm missing some kind of bone in my body that tells me I am supposed to want to have a baby... and I'm some kind of weirdo. I do want to say that it's a distinctly different feeling than the "We don't want to have kids---period." school of thought. We don't think we're those people. I dunno where I'm going with this... but if you're in this boat (or were in this boat before) what did you do? We said we'd discuss our next plan of attack when I'm 30 (in 2 years). But what if it doesn't "turn on" then? I want to want a kid if we're going to have one, you know?
Cannotwait - I am on BC (nuvaring, not the pill). It def. kills my desire for... um... anything... if you know what I mean :) I thought it was just me, but then I ran out like a year ago and we had to use alternative methods for a month until I went to the doc and got a refil... it was an "exciting" month. ;) TMI!!!
If my understanding of the research is correct, although most parents don't regret having kids, adult couples who never have children are (statistically, on average) happier than those who do choose to have kids. So I definitely am skeptical of the idea that you should have kids just in case you regret not having them.
Also, while most parents don't regret their choice, there are definitely people who do! I think it's just not considered socially acceptable to voice that sentiment, so their experience gets written out of the pop-culture narrative of parenthood. This is obviously no reason not to have kids if you actively want them, but (in my opinion) a good reason to push back against expectations that you will have kids if you are not sure that you do.
Pengy, I feel like this EVERY DAY.
We're having kids soon (trying to get pregnant in , gasp, 6 months) because it's a "now or never" thing due to my fertility going downhill fast. That's scary...i'm only 23!!! Blegh.
I'm banking on the fact that I'd want them in like, 10 years....and I know I won't regret it once I have them (provided they are super awesome like their parents, lol).
Sometimes a kid sorta pulls at my heartstrings and I go, "ohh...so cute...i want that...." but mostly I'm like, "eek....not ready to deal with it all yet". And, yes, it's my selfish side. I'm not ready, nor do I want them yet. But i have to. I guess.
I've been on nuvaring before and it definitely kills all the desire. Such is bc =(
I should add that my super cute niece and nephew haven't created any sort of desire in me to suddenly have or want them.
Great question / topic! I feel the sammmmeee way. I know I want to have them, but I do not have the baby bug now, and I don't anticipate ever having it. But i wouldn't want to do anything so drastic like a vasectomy for him, or tubes tied for me. I feel like it'll happen if it's meant to be, or someday I'll have the urge kick in. We only would want 2, so it'd be ok to wait a while and bang them out back to back (if we are lucky).
@historienne - good perspective / point. I can imagine having a very fulfilling life with no children, also. I know we'd save so much money and get to travel the world b/c we'd have more disposable income.
One thing i'll add, though, is that even though I don't have the baby bug (children 2+ are alright, but babies? pass) I do feel a huge pull to people that are pregnant and I ask a lot of questions. The fact is that as women we have so many natural powers - I would want to be a part of it, too. It's just so amazing to me that when you're pregnant, your body adapts in strange ways - waking you up early, having you sleep in shifts, increasing cramps and pains to get you used to labor, you name it - it's truly special and I'd feel like I missed out, i think, if I didn't get pregnant. Then after all that, the baby would be the easy part haha.
Thanks Pengy for this FANTASTIC post. You are right, people often get lumped into two categories - dying to have kids or don't want to have kids. FI and I feel we would love to have children someday, but I don't get filled with warm fuzzies at the thought of having my own child anytime soon. My sister lives across the country, so even if she had a child and I got to be an aunt, I wouldn't get a lot of face time with my neice or nephew.
I just don't know if I will ever get that dying urge to procreate! A lot of my friends have got married recently, and several are either pregnant or have had their first child. Meanwhile, I am snowboarding, going out every weekend to hang out with friends, and quite frankly and enjoying not having the responsibilities of a child right now.
This is an intensely debated subject among my most close group of friends! One couple is insistent they will never have children, two couples are sort of unsure, and us and two other couples definitely want kids (there are some singles in our group, I'm pretty sure all of them want kids but they don't talk about it as much). Luckily we are all in our mid-twenties so we have awhile to change our minds. I'm not in your boat, but some of my friends are! I hope you figure it out with no regrets. We'll probably start having kids when we're both done school, in a couple of years.
Sadly, there is no way to truly know whether or not you want children, until you have one. I know this because I really thought I wanted a family, and now I have one and it is slowly (although sometimes, quickly) killing me.
That said, I wouldn't give up my family for the world and I love my baby more than I ever thought possible in a way that I never knew existed. But sometimes, I hate him. And you really have to be strong to make it through those first years.
I do KNOW that I don't want an only child (not that there is anything wrong with that, I just know that's what I want)...but now I also know how hard that will be, so I am more thoughtful about planning that aspect of our family.
Oh I totally agree! I'm an only child too and I don't have the baby bug at all. We are younger but still I don't have a desire for children. Sometimes I see a baby and I saw aww cute but then when it starts screaming, I'm so annoyed and I hate it. I have a very short fuze and honestly I don't know if I could deal with screaming and whining all the time.
I have incredible baby bug, and FI and I are even planning to start trying after the wedding.
But, there is a part of me that is very scared, worried and not ready. Financially we'll be in a place where we can just afford a child, but in our professions we'll never be rich and neither of us will have any significant pay jumps in the next few years. I worry about the money (especially paying for day care) most, then the incredible responsibility. I'm not very worried about the physical part of pregnancy/labor though.
I think all you can do is make the best decision at the moment. And adoption/foster care is a wonderful thing! There are so many great kids out there who were born into terrible situations that need a set of loving parents.
Peng - I used to feel this way. I felt at 30 the same way I felt at 20 about kids "Yes, someday I think I will have them....." I was worried that I would never feel like that someday was today.
Then one day my husband and I decided we were ready to start trying! I don't really know if it was a switch, but as more and more of my friends were having kids, and I saw how joyful it was for them, I realized it was something that I too wanted in my life....and being in my early thirties, once I realized that I became much more happy with the idea. I know I will never, ever be really truly ready. But don't have kids out of fear of regret - its way too much work for that!
My mom and grandmothers are starting to be like "So... about those grandbabies..." when we're not even officially engaged yet! And we don't want them for like, 5-10 years at LEAST. My mom has accepted that, but the g-ma's are all "we won't be AROUND then!!! We'll be DEAD"... thanks, thanks alot.
I know how you feel, although our situation is a little different - we really do want a baby, but we're unsure about the timing. I'm starting to feel like I want a baby now, and there are times when I really think it's time to start trying...but something keeps holding me back. I like our life the way it is, and I'm scared about how much a child will change that. Call it selfishness, call it self knowledge, but it's the truth. Sometimes I wonder if it's pressure around us that's makes me impatient to just start trying, only to change my mind hours later. It's a confusing time for us, and I wish I knew how to work it out.
I think a lot of parents regret having kids, just those that aren't terrible parents never say it. I have heard of parents saying it - and everyone gaped and shamed the parents which I can't say I disagree with since it's got to be painful for a kid. I see more bad parent kids relationships than good. Don't we see plenty of posts just on this website about moms and dads that are uninvolved or cruel because they aren't providing all the emotional support their kids want in the way the kids want or are overinvolved and controlling?
Don't get me wrong I do want kids and I have a great relationship with my parents and I know plenty of people who are in the same boat. However, I think there are a lots of people who aren't suited to be good parents because having kids for them would only limit them as people. Kids are a big responsibility and I disagree with the point of view that it's always worth the sacrifices. It's only worth the sacrifices if you want to make them.
Pengy, i feel you on this. We decided we will wait til I'm 29 or 30 to start having kids, but I really dont feel I'll ever have that baby fever feeling. I'm also on the ring, and only in the last 6 months or so has it really dampened by drive. but then again, 9 times out of 10 once we get started I'm in the mood. Just takes a lot longer than it used to....
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Mr. Peng and I really are just nowhere ready for kids. We both talk about our future with kids, but mostly in a teasing way (like, "I'm going to be a way better dad than you'll be a mom") but overall, I'm just mostly terrified that the urge to procreate will never kick in and we'll end up just doing it knowing that we'll regret not having a child when we're 50 years old. I only know people in 2 distinct boats: They're dying to have kids, or they know they don't want kids and they never will. I feel like we fall into the "We only want to have a kid so we don't regret it later" boat, and that's kind of a crappy boat to be in. I definitely am banking on my biological clock, and hope that one day I'll just be DYING to have kids... in the meantime, I'm super thrilled for all the people I know who are procreating, and hope that being surrounded by people with kids will get our baby blood flowing.
My SIL is pregnant, and they basically decided to get pregnant because she was getting older, and figured it was "now or never" so they just... did it. I think it's a huge bummer to be in that boat and I think it will be like that with us (apparently that's how it is on our family!)
I guess I'm seeking people that are/were in the same boat: did the baby bug eventually kick in for you? Did being surrounded by friends that became parents help? I want us to get there. I WANT to want to have a baby eventually. It's definitely the next step, and we're not in a hurry by any means... but I don't want to just eventually start trying because I'm getting borderline old.