- 2 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
Hi Bees! This is my first post and it’s a long one, so please bear with me!
My BF and I have been dating a little over 4.5 years. We met during my first year & his second year of college. He was my absolute dream guy and I felt like we were perfect for each other in every way. He was my best friend; my other half. Our relationship progressed quickly – he started talking about marriage only a few months in! However, I knew it wasn’t anything serious as we were still so young and still in the early stages of dating.
1.5 years into our relationship, we were living together and still head over heels. I got an internship offer with my dream company, and my BF was really excited for me! However, it meant taking a semester off school, which would delay my graduation to 1.5 years after his graduation. It also meant moving ~ 9 hours away. We knew we were looking at about 2 years of long distance before we could be together, but we knew we could make it through.
The long distance relationship was difficult at first, but ended up bringing us closer than I could have ever imagined. By the time I was back in school after my internship, and my BF was working full time, we were talking almost daily about marriage. He constantly brought up how much he wanted to marry me and he just wanted to propose. However, we both agreed it didn’t really make sense to get engaged until after I had finished school. But that didn’t stop us constantly talking about and planning our future 🙂
Last year, right around our 3 year anniversary, and 9 months before I graduated, I was lucky enough to recieve a full time job offer with the company I had done an internship with. It was an incredible offer. I called my BF right away to tell him and the first words out of his mouth were “I can’t wait to move with you! December can’t come soon enough!”. I was so touched that he offered to move to where I was going to be working, even though he had been working full time for about a year. I was concerned about him changing jobs, but he assured me that he could either work something out with his current job (which actually has an office in the same location as my job) or find something new. I happily accepted my job and began making plans for our move to our new home!
Not even a week after I accepted my job, everything changed. I was so excited about my new job and moving, so I was talking about it a lot. My BF started to get really annoyed when I was looking at apartments, saying it was “too soon” since we wouldn’t be there for another 9 months or so. I knew it was too soon to really plan anything definitive, but it kind of took me by surprise since we always had talked excitedly about our future. Unfortunately, it just spiraled out of control from there. Every time I tried to talk to him about moving, or about talking with his boss about transferring to the office in our new location, he just shut down. We stopped talking about our future. He stopped making cute comments about wanting to marry me. We started fighting bi-weekly, weekly, then daily. I felt like our relationship was just crumbling. The more I tried to talk to him about anything, the more he shut down. I was so hurt because I felt like I couldn’t talk to him about anything anymore. Where was the guy I used to stay up till 5 am talking with? Where was the guy I used to plan the future with? I was devestated, I just didn’t understand how things got as bad as they did. We went through an extremely long, rough period, and considered breaking up twice. By the time I graduated last December, I was moving to an apartment on my own without knowing if he was ever going to move to be with me.
At the beginning of this year, however, he finally talked with his boss about moving to the office here. He got the OK around our 4 year anniversary, and made plans to move when he had a break in projects. Everything was starting to look up! Our relationship started to get back on track, and we were slowly building back up to the relationship we had before it spiraled out of control. Everything seemed like it was almost back to normal, and we started to talk about marriage again. The weekend I went up to help him pack & move down to our new place, he suggested we go look at rings! I was SO excited… to me it was a sign that things were finally moving forward in our relationship.
After he moved in, everything was going great. We absolutely loved living together – it was amazing after almost 2.5 years of long distance! However, there is a new issue now: the topic of an engagement. Ever since we went to look at engagement rings, I have been excited by the possiblity of an engagement! I knew it wouldnt happen right away, since our relationship was just springing back from a long rough patch, but I was still excited about it. However, every time I try to bring it up with him… he shuts down. He doesn’t want to talk about marriage if I bring it up. He has no problem discussing wedding plans (where we would get married, when, etc) if someone else brings it up or asks us when we’re getting married. We even talk about it on car rides when discussing how many people during family get-togethers ask us when our big day is. But for some reason, he just shuts down when I bring it up.
I’m just afraid the same thing is going to happen again. I’m afraid that he’s just going to shut down more and more and just ruin the whole experience. Getting engaged is something we should be excited about! We should be able to talk about this after 4.5 years together! And I’m just starting to feel resentful. Even though we live together now, I’m still really bitter about the whole moving-in-together situation. We had been talking about how incredible it would be to live together after school for the first 3 years of our relationship, but the whole experience was ruined for me. I’m just terrified it’s going to happen again! I don’t want every big moment in our life to be preceeded by months of arguing/frustration! I know I could just not bring up the topic with him, but what happens if the topic is about our wedding, or when we’re going to have kids, or if we need to move, or some bigger issue? I’ve tried talking to him about all of this but he assures me this won’t happen. I just don’t know if I can trust him since history seems to be repeating itself.
Please bees, I need your advice! How do I talk to my BF about my worries? How do I know that this isn’t going to be a repeating pattern?