After 4.5 years, and a big rough patch, feeling resentful. Help!! (long)

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

Maybe he wants the engagement to be a surprise and is worried it won’t be if you two keep talking about it?

He moved to be with you. That means something. I think you just need to be patient and see what happens. 

Post # 3
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You really need to be patient, and I also think that you need to listen, because a lot of your post talks about what YOU want to do and how YOU see your life and him following you, but not a lot about what he wants (other than presumably, to be with you). And while your feelings about living together being a tough adjustment are certainly valid, it sounds pretty selfish to say that someone uprooting their life to be with you has then failed your expectations and “ruined the experience.” Life is not some romantic ideal that he’s failing you at; it IS him, living apart, living with you, fighting, shutting down. You need to accept that as a reality that you have to address, not him as a disappointment. 

You also need to stop keeping tabs on how long you’ve been together. I know that sounds weird, but IMHO, your 20s, particularly college, is a time when people tend to change A LOT. It’s great that you’ve stayed together, but you’ve also been through a lot of changes–2 years long-distance, then as college students, then living together as young professionals. Each of these changes creates a different “type” of relationship with its own unique pressures and changes and so every time you make such life adjustments, it has a way of in a sense, restarting your relationship. So, I would advise against being so set on “We’ve been together 4.5 years, why aren’t we engaged?” mentality. You’re ready when you’re ready–and he might not be. He’s moved jobs and cities and might need to get a handle on things and might need more time to adjust than you as he’s the follower in this scenario. 

Post # 4
Member
31 posts
Newbee

I agree with other PPs. 

Firstly, correct me if I’m wrong but it seems like the initial big rough patch,  the resolution wasn’t mentioned. Did he talk about why he was shutting you out? Did you both express how you felt about it? 

I think people have different ways of expressing how they feel. My ex would always shut out on me if he was upset. But during those times, he would talk to our friends fine. I was saddened by this because it made me feel like every time he has an issue with something, he just acts negatively towards me. He would then talk to me out of nowhere when he felt better again as if nothing happened. 

I finally got to the bottom of it and he said because I was closest to him, he would take out his frustrations on me even if it weren’t my fault. That was just how he was. We ended up breaking up for other reasons. 

Fortunately, my SO isn’t like that at all. But with guys like my ex and your SO it seems, it might  be just a way they express themselves.. The key is communication. Try  asking him why he shuts you out or if he has anything troubling him. Men find it hard in general to read how their woman feels. Good luck! 

Post # 5
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2025

JGray:  Maybe you can try giving him a little bit of space and not bring up the subject for a while. Pestering him about rings, engagement, marriage when he doesn’t want to talk about it will just push him further away. Of course he has no problem talking to other people about it – it’s just part of the conversation?

We tend to think men should be more logical and open in these situations, but they have feelings too! And sometimes, they’re just not good at voicing their opinions 😛

Post # 6
Member
736 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

JGray:  I can understand your frustration, however; he waited two years for you, moved to be with you, and is discussing marriage with you. He very clearly seems like he loves you.

The shutting down that you describe; you sound very type-A, and he sounds like he needs to do things on his own terms, without pressure, at least with the big decisions. I think you should back off, and give yourselves some time to really get to know one another now that you’re living together. And, let HIM propose on his terms.

If it’s been over a year and still nothing, I would consider discussing a timeline with him (not necessarily the engagement, but marriage) and go from there 🙂

Post # 10
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2025

JGray:  Yep! I have a friend who was dating a guy for about 4-5 months when he took her ring shopping. A few days later, she happened to walk by a bridal boutique, and she went in to try on some dresses. When she told her bf afterwards, he got super pissed at her and asked her why she was being so crazy?!

It was weird – like it’s ok for him to bring up marriage talk, but if she does something, it’s out of this world nuts. So no worries – it’s not just your SO 😀 

Post # 11
Member
2549 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

It sounds like he could feel like you’re living your dreams, and he’s been waiting around for you (not to be mean, it just may be how he feels… people are weird in relationships).  Now he’s giving up his city and moving for you.  Maybe he’s worried about what the future will hold if this is already your track record.  Even though he’s excited, maybe he gets anxious about change.  I suggest couples therapy to make sure you two are on the same page.  Just say something along the lines of, “I worry about our relationship and our ability to communicate.  Since we’re considering marriage, I think it would be a good idea to do couples counseling to make sure our future is as strong as we think it will be.”  Let him know you want to make sure that you’re making all the right decisions for the relationship and not individually.  Even if he doesn’t agree on the counseling, it might open him up to talk a bit.

Post # 12
Member
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

JGray:  I agree that this guy has shown you, in some pretty big ways, how devoted he is to you and how much he cares about you. That shouldn’t be in question. I also agree that it’s probably best to back off and let him come around to things in his own time.

There was one line that particularly jumped out at me as the likely culprit in these communication issues “It’s just hard for me since I like to talk about the situation and get things resolved.” This makes me think that when you talk about engagement (or moving in, in the past), you’re working to come to a resolution and that pressure to get to a resolution is what is stressing him out. And since you’re always pushing for a resolution when you talk about it, he just doesn’t want to talk about it. However, when other people are talking about it, he isn’t being pushed for a resolution (at least not in the same way and with the same pressure) so it’s easier. I would try talking about things in a casual and relaxed way and be okay with ending a conversation without a resolution. Obviously, you’ll need some resolution at some point, but give him some time to get there.<br /><br />

Post # 13
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

JGray:  Moving is ROUGH. I moved for my marriage and honestly sometimes it takes up to a year before one gets used to a new place, new set of friends, new life, everything. Give him some time. 

Post # 14
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

JGray:  You need to stop bugging him, in my opinion. He was incredibly kind and supportive, and sacrificed a lot of his emotional and physical happiness for you to chase your dream. Now you’re together, but I think you need to understand how many sacrifices he made. He is committed to you, he loves you, LOOK WHAT HE DID FOR YOU! Let yourselves enjoy living together. He isn’t going anywhere. Let things unfold on their own timeline. Don’t be needy and clingy and try to bug him into giving an answer that doesn’t exist. There is nothing to worry about.

Post # 15
Member
716 posts
Busy bee

In your case, I think you should just enjoy your relationship for a bit.  Reading between the lines, it sounds like you’re early-mid 20s.  I know you have been together for 4+ years, but the long distance time really doesn’t carry the same weight as time spent together.  Your BF just moved in with you a few months ago.  In your case, I think you should give it at least a full year if not 1.5 years before you start going crazy.  Going ring shopping doesn’t necessarily mean that he intends to propose tomorrow.

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