Post # 1
Ok, I have been strictly sticking to the SIUP for the past 80 days and I am not sure what to do with the information. Is he fobbing me off?
A brief history. I am 25 and my SO is 30 next month. I met him when we both lived in the same house share with mutal friends. 4 months later we kissed, a month after that we became a couple and a year later we started renting our own flat. So we have now lived together 2 and a half years and have been together just over 3 and a half years.
He has always said he wants to marry but was always reluctant to give a ‘timeline’ as he thought it would be to damaging if we couldn’t stick to it. I got to the point where I was mentioning wedding and marriage almost everyday and think it was starting to bother him so started a strick shut up pact – aiming for the 5th January (using the mindset that that it would give him space for a Christmas/new year proposal).
Anyways fast forward 80 days and I am literally chomping at the bit… I just have to know more. What is he thinking? He is ready? etc. etc. So I broke the pact…
He said he loves me and want to marry me and most importantly is ready to as well. However, he has many finacial worries and doesn’t think that it is possible at the moment (we are both in debt).
He said he would want to buy a house first as he is very worried about rent prices and is worried our rent will go up when our contract ends (which is possible as we live in a sought after area and we got a rent reduction when we first moved in). I explained I would buy with someone unless I was married or at least engaged to which he said he didn’t understand but accepted.
I asked if he saw a proposal by the end of next year was possible. He said he wanted to and said if he had the money I wouldn’t even have to wait that long but because of money didn’t know. He said he wants to give me a nice ring and wedding to which I replied the marriage was more important and rings can always be upgradged in the future.
I pointed out that if he wants to get married he needs to make the concious decision to start saving and he said he hasn’t started saving yet.
I am not really sure what to do with this information… not much I can do really…
Post # 3
@LilMonkey: I voted for no idea cos I do think men are weirdos! I’m in more or less the same situation. I do think however the cost of a ring compared to a house is tiny so really he should get that done first?!
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2014 - Disney
To me it has to be a match of your priorities there will always be debt. I its substantial taking out a portion is important. I personally refused to buy a house or live with anyone without being engaged and my husband was fine with that. His priorities are only a problem if they do not match your own. I think you need to think about what he put on the table and see if that matches what you have in mind then talk about it again.
Post # 5
My thought is that he is nowhere near ready to propose if he hasn’t started saving for a ring at all, and he wants to buy a house AND be able to afford a ring/wedding, too.
I don’t think that means he doesn;t want to marry you! I think he just needs to talk to a financial advisor/counselor, someone who can lay out exactly what he would have to save in order to afford all of those things!
Post # 6
He did also ask how long I would want to be engaged for? (Maybe he is thinking along the lines of a long engagement?)
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID
@LilMonkey: Honestly, you don’t need money to be engaged. If he wants to buy a house first, but you won’t buy a house without being engaged, then talk to him about getting engaged without a ring, or even with a CZ stand in for now if a ring is important to you. You can get decent looking rings at Walmart/Target/Kohls etc. for around $20-$30. That way you both get what you want (assuming what he wants is marriage). In engagement is a simple yes or no question, where you both agree that the answer is “yes” and you agree to that level of committment. I’ll never understand the “waiting until finances are in order” for engagement. Wedding, yes. Engagement, no.
Post # 8
- Wedding: September 2015 - Ketchum, ID
@BrandNewBride: It makes my heart happy to see you say he should go to a financial advisor/counselor… as that is what I might do after I graduate from college. Ironically, I’m not good at budgeting/saving, but that’s because I have no self control when I’m shopping, haha. Technically I know how to do it all, I just don’t have the will power. 😛
Post # 9
You don’t really need money for engagement. I would wait a while and say that this is important for you and you just want an official promise from him, that’s all. You could say that you don’t need to get married tomorrow, but it would be nice to feel secure in an official way that it will happen. It would make any women feel safe. You could say you don’t need an expensive ring, you just need a social contract — other people witnessing and hearing his promise will cement the relationship even futher for both of you.
I know a friend of mine has a tiny, tiny sapphire ring, but I think her ring is so much more beautiful than some other ones I’ve seen because of the ring’s emotional value. I think the lack of money involved makes it all the more romantic in some cases. It is brave and passionate.
Post # 10
We got engaged without money and while we were both unemployed. FI is in the National Guard, so he had a little bit of money, but not enough to pay bills. He bought me a ring without stones, with a twisted band. It was all or more than he could really afford. But we are now planning our wedding! I also have no intention of upgrading. I may get a RHR later, but nothing can replace the sentiment of the one he gave me when he financially couldn’t. So much emphasis is put on shiny rocks and there’s nothing wrong with that. But they all have (or hopefully do) a sentiment of love. And that’s all that matters.
Most importantly, be completely honest with your SO. About your expectations and your hopes. I know his seem different and it seems like he’s in ultimate control. But you should still make your wishes known.
Post # 11
I can see all the other bees points of view, however reading your postvwas like looking into a mirror! In my last relationship, we had EXACTLY the same problem. We split up, got back together and it never really worked after that. Once we split for sure, he sorted out his debt problem, set up a payment plan and started speaking about buying a house. Despite me having been encouraging him to do this while we were together.
He would say the same things about marriage, however I don’t think his heart was in it. When we split, he said he had changed and wanted to get engaged, but I personally think it was just because it was so weird with us not being together after a long time together.
Fast forward to now, my now partner is more than happy to try and sort out money and things, and has openly talked about engagement, marriage and kids.
Like the other bees say, it’s not all about money. I’d suggested to my ex we don’t get a ring at all, like you I said I would rather be engaged before trying to buy together.
I hope it works out, but if your situation ends like mine, it won’t be long before you’re head over heels and having all the conversations you want to have, and he will do anything to achieve it.
Post # 12
@LilMonkey: He said he loves me and want to marry me and most importantly is ready to as well. However, he has many finacial worries
He will always have financial worries. Probably for the rest of his life. If he is waiting to marry you once he has his millions, then you will never get married. Sounds like a cop-out to me. If you are both in debt separately, why can’t you be in debt together and married?
Post # 14
@LilMonkey: I don’t get that he didn’t ‘understand’ your request to be engaged before buying a house together. Does he not understand that buying a house is a MAJOR commitment? You want to be 100% certain that you will be together before moving onto that step with him. I don’t get what’s not to get about that.
My SO and I OWN a house together, but I didn’t have any reservations when it came time to do so. We have talked seriously about the future and know a proposal and marriage is coming, and wanted to buy our house while the market was great (and we did… we got a STEAL of a house and only 2.99% interest).
Anyways. How about you guys get engaged sans-ring, or with a cheaper ring, and you can get a new one once you guys are on your feet finacially?
If he really wanted to marry you, he’d find a way to do so, no matter what it took.
Post # 15
And going 80 days was super!! That’s a crazy long for the SIUP. Good for you!
I just feel like if he had THAT much time, and he didn’t even really start to save at all… that’s kind of a big sign.
Post # 16
@LilMonkey: I know all couples are different, but this is where I was about a year and a half ago. We knew we wanted to get married but he told me he wanted to save up for a nice ring, but yet wasn’t saving…. Now I’m just a wreck because it’s coming soon lol (we already have a date for our elopment set).
But it really sounds like he does want to marry you, but isn’t able to financially. Sounds like he’s somewhat practical and wants to be able to afford it somewhat comfortably…. Which sucks and I’m sorry!
FYI I have mentally prepared myself in case he doesn’t do it by xmas (he told me it would happen by then) if it doesn’t, I’m buying a ring and officially proposing to him lol, I recommend you give yourself a timeline and make a plan too!