After almost five years- Wait or move on?

posted 5 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

Sorry to say bee, I don’t think he wants to marry her. At 32 and after five years, it absolutely shouldn’t take two years to go from looking at rings to a theoretical proposal. 

I’m the same sort of age as your friend, and when I first got together with my OH we discussed our timelines, and I said I wanted to start a family around 31, 32, so to get married by 29 would be ideal so we have some time to get our finances in order after the wedding and we have some time to just be married. If your friend wants to have children, then she should make this clear to her boyfriend and lay it out in terms of biology. Sometimes men don’t get that we’re genuinely working to something of a deadline when it comes to fertility, so asking ‘what’s the rush?’ is SO frustrating. 

If at 32 he can’t have a grown up conversation about timelines then I’d say she should call it a day. He doesn’t sound in any hurry to marry her, from your post. 

Post # 3
Member
3681 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

When DH and I started dating when I was 31, I told him I would not wait a ridiculously long time for a proposal. Five years is a ridiculously long time when you are in your thirties. I would have left after year three. 

Post # 4
Member
2838 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

thatweddinggirl :  Men understand the biology (unless they are really stupid and there are a few) in the sense that they understand that they cannot expect to start having 4-5 kids after 40. What they really don’t get is the rush in the early 30s. 

Post # 5
Member
8515 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Your friend’s problem was in not coming to an understanding of their commitment and timeline before moving in. I don’t know that the guy will never be ready but that really isn’t the point. Looking at rings should have been followed up by, you know, a ring. To me, that was cruel and a tease. 

At this point I would honestly move out and let him know that if he can’t commit that is his choice but that hers is not to remain in an exclusive relationship that, barring obstacles such as age, lack of financial independence,or education will not lead in a reasonable amount of time to marriage. 

It’s possible that he was shell shocked by ring prices, has some minimum standard in mind, and not enough money to afford it at this time. It’s also possible he’s just a lazy procrastinator or that he’s dragging his heels  on marriage in general. If your friend is not hung up on the cost of the ring, or an expensive wedding, she should, of course, make that clear. 

But it doesn’t sound like that’s his concern. If it was, I think he would have said so. 

Post # 6
Member
947 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

im not one to like the idea of pressuring a guy to put a ring on it. But if your friend is wanting children in her future i think she should start re evaluating her relationship. Five years really isnt that long, but i do think they should discuss a possible future and bringing up children, if he blows it off and says whats the rush, id tell your friend to move on. 

if i was in your friends shoes id have a talk about future, kids and my biological clock is ticking, including his. And if he cant give some form of definite answer, id possibly give it aother year, if even and then move on. 

Post # 7
Member
638 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I’d be out. I told DH I wasn’t going to wait around and that at two years he should know. He did and we started planning our wedding at 2 years, married right before 3. We moved in together at 7 months. We were 25 and 27 when we met. 

You need to have a serious talk and workout a timeline.

Post # 9
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

meh, I hate it when people are so inconsiderate of others. It’s one thing if he lets her know specifically why he’s holding it off and discuss a solution that both are happy with. But it feels like he knows he has the authority and power to decide when to get married and is lording over it. There may be a genuine issue, but the attitude is so annoying that I would think twice about marrying him. Imagine him saying “what’s the rush” to everything (e.g: buying a house, having a baby, etc)

If your friend is dissatisfied with the relationship enough to consider moving on, I would vote move on. 

Post # 10
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

dalia88 :  she should counter ask him, while there is no rush why is there so much reluctance after 5 years.

5 years is not a long time but it is not a short time either. If you cannot make up your mind if you want to be with the person after 5 years together then may be you are not keen to be with the person.

I think she needs to sit down and talk to him regarding his plans and time lines and what her plans are and time lines (as is – not accomodating to what he thinks i.e if she wants to get married by end of 2017 or beg. of 2018 say so). Then they need to see if both of them can come to a middle ground. I do not believe in pressuring, she should not be pressured to wait n he should not be pressured to rush. It is very important to communicate, I do not suggest walking out before letting him know what she wants cuz how will he know if she doesn’t tell. she is 29 and time is crucial and it does not make sense to wait if he is not sure. She should discuss and pick up cues on how he is answering and why than just listen to what he is saying. hope that helps.

Post # 11
Member
957 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I’m in agreement with the other bees. I also am one that told DH that I would not wait around forever. Very early on in our dating, I told him that I wanted kids and that if he wasn’t sure after 2 years, that I’d have to move on. He was, and we were married 6 months later. 

I think it’s time for your friend to move on. 

Post # 12
Member
30 posts
Newbee

dalia88 :  Are you my friend??  This sounds almost exactly like my situation, minus a year on the relationship, but I’m also in 30’s.  We looked at rings over a year ago, and I mostly kept quiet (minus a few suggestions here and there) because I actually thought my boyfriend would propose last year.  (We also live together.)

Obviously, he didn’t – this January, I had a big talk with him and he said he wants to propose this year, but didn’t have much of a reason to NOT propose last year.  I told him sooner rather than later because there won’t be a later, although I never actually said anything about leaving.  

I’ve been talking about this to people for such a long time, and most people either say to have a serious talk with him about timelines (which he isn’t really willing to have) or give him an ultimatum.  (His friends actually suggest the ultimatum, which is interesting.)  It is SO easy for people to say that you should leave and he won’t propose, but it is SO hard to do.  I want to believe that he will even though it’s not at all in line with when I thought it would happen, and I really don’t know at what point you draw a line and leave.

I guess this isn’t much advice other than saying it is really hard to think about leaving.  I’d press him on a timeline and decide at what point you’re ready to leave.

Post # 13
Member
32 posts
Newbee

My girl friend was like this with her partner around the five year mark but they were a tad younger. Anyway, he proposed a whole year after looking a rings together and they had been together for eight years and she’s turning 30 this year.

so I mean it can still happen – but might not. The other thing is – she will be single if she leaves, need to heal, then date then that guy may take x amount of time..

how much does she love him ? And is kids before a wedding an option ? 

Also has she really made it clear how she feels ? I mean she’s 29 and it’s five years she has every right to feel this way and he really needs to understand that.

 

i hope he propose unexpectedly really soon! X

Post # 14
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

Saying he’ll do it next year is an indefinite timeline and an easy out to a question he didn’t want to answer. I say give him a firm timeline and stick to it. At 29/32, they’re old enough to know what they want and not drag their feet (and I know its just him but just using age). 

I say she needs to makeup a timeline she’s comfortable with and give him that info. If he doesn’t do it by then, it’s time to walk.

Post # 15
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

emeraldsmiley :  I totally agree.

OP, at this stage your friend needs to communicate HER ideal timeline to her other half to see if they can get on the same page. She can’t go from shutting it up to leaving him without at least having a serious discussion with him to see what the hold-up is. Like Emeraldsmiley says, if he can’t give a good answer to ‘why wait?’, then she should re-evaluate her relationship. 

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