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My BM's are planning to throw a bridal shower for me (YEY!!!). They said that the people who will attend the shower should not give a wedding gift anymore. Forgive my ignorance but is this true? I've always given a second gift (the wedding gift) aside from the shower gift so I am kinda perplexed. And if that's the case (one gift only), I think that would suck because my FI would not be there to open the gifts with me.
Any thoughts, bees?
I've always understood a shower gift to be separate from a wedding gift. I think most people do both.
Most people do both!
I think your BMs may not as they have spent a lot of money on your wedding and maybe that was what they were eluding too?
I have always given separate gifts, but I would totally understand not getting a wedding gift if someone had already given me a shower gift. Especially if I knew the person was strapped for cash, or if they gave me a really nice shower present.
I've always given a gift at both... I'm not really sure what etiquette is here though..
I have always given both as well. Hmm, I'm not sure about the proper etiqutte. Like a PP said, I could understand not giving a wedding gift if people are strapped for cash or gave a really nice shower gift. I wonder what Miss Manners would say?
What your BM's said is untrue!!! Not only that .. but people who couldn't attend my sister's shower still sent her a gift and came to the wedding with a seperate gift. Some people are more thoughtful than others I suppose.
I have never heard of that, I always give gifts for both!!
I've always given both, but I think it would be acceptable to only gift once if the shower gift was rather generous. Maybe that is what they are thinking? Because I've always given less expensive things at showers, then more expensive wedding presents. If I was just dying to buy someone a KitchenAid mixer, though, I might just give the one shower gift and bring a beautiful card to the wedding.
EDIT: another idea is that it could be really convenient for a destination wedding to just gift generously at the shower. But you would usually just ship the wedding gift directly to the home of the bride then, right?
If someone gives a shower gift, they usually don't give a wedding gift as well unless they have a ton of money to spend. However, if you want to give two gifts, that's fine but definitely not required, nor is it common to do so.
I've always understood the shower to be when the bride gets gifts just for her, i.e. lingerie, spa stuff, etc. I know some people just buy something off the registry but that's usually used for the wedding gift. I always give two separate gifts.
@HOURIEG
I'm sure the last part of your comment wasn't meant to come off harsh, however, it did. I am one of those that usually only buys a gift for the shower only, or if I am not invited to the shower, then the wedding only. I would not say it is because I am less thoughtful than others. I can only afford so much. I set a budget for someone's gift and tend to stick with it.
My friends got married and I gave a gift for both. Like Miss Cake said, shower gifts are usually only for the bride, girly stuff. But I guess it really depends on your own opinions.
While I understand that a person can only afford so much, I do think that the bridesmaids spend a lot of money and time to throw a shower, just as a bride and groom spend a lot of money and time on a wedding. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect gifts at both.
Usually people give both a shower gift and a wedding gift. But like others have said, it depends on the gift they are giving and the budget the person has.
@miss cake: Ditto! I've always viewed bridal showers as giving a gift for the bride only. But maybe this is a cultural issue for me because when I moved here to the US, I saw some people giving bridal shower gifts from the wedding registry. At first, I thought it was odd but I figured it must be the norm here. And when I started planning my wedding and decided not to register, people were like, "What are they supposed to give you in your shower if you don't register?" I was kinda "forced" to register to avoid receiving various picture frames that I might not like. Then that, in my personal opinion, would be a waste of people's money because I might not end up using them. I wasn't really concerned about the wedding gifts because our guests tend to give money.
Thanks for you input ladies. I really appreciate all the views from all sides.
@wendy: I'm sorry that you were offended. I appreciate your opinion as it is very relevant with how our economy is doing right now.
@WENDY .. no one said you have to spend a heap of money dear .. thoughtful doesn't equal $$$ ..
@ msgthoney and others: huh, I've only ever seen registry gifts at showers. All shower invites I've ever received also had registry info on them.
@mscremebrulee (my fave dessert of all time, by the way): Exactly! Being a BM can be very, very expensive. I don't really expect them to give me a wedding gift anymore because I know that they would be hosting this shower plus giving me a gift on that day. I was just asking for the other guests, I guess I should have made that more clear :)
I agree that at most of the showers I've been to people give gifts off the registry and not just gifts for the bride.
I give gifts at both. Did they tell your guests to not bring a second gift or something? That they would even bring this up is so weird.
@monitajb: That's true, it's pretty common here in the US to only give shower gifts from the registry. My BM's were asking where I am registered so they could put the info in the invite :) From where I grew up, bridal showers were all about lingerie and cosmetics and other girly stuff but I read some comments here in WB that those are bachelorette gifts. Yikes, I don't want them to give me another gift on my bachelorette party!!! I love receiving gifts, but I think that's too much LOL!
i personally would feel totally weird not giving a gift at the wedding despite giving a gift at the shower. it is 2 separate parties. My cousin just got married and I got them an engagement present, a shower gift, and a wedding gift. no, im not made of money and the amount i gave them at the wedding was not nearly as much as what i would give them if they had not had an engagement party... but i would never go to a wedding empty handed.
@laboroflove: I hope they didn't tell the guests!!!!! I'm actually hoping to just receive cash/check from guests so this registry thing is not really my thing. I just did this for the shower (but of course, it's a wedding registry). If they told the guests that they SHOULD not bring anything to the wedding, then oh no!!! LOL!
*edit* wow, I just reread this post and I sounded like a money-grabbing b***h! LOL! Forgive me, I didn't mean to sound like one.
I give a gift off the registry for the shower and give money at the wedding. This is definitely the norm in the Boston area with my family. I've only ever been to weddings in my family, so maybe we're just weird? I was always taught (by my mom) that a rule of thumb is to give as much money as a gift to cover your cost of attending. I usually do $75-100. I've only seen a few dozen gifts at the 12 weddings I've been to (a few gifts per wedding). Gifts for the bride (lingerie, cosmetics, etc) are usually for the bachlorette party.
Why wouldn't your FI be at your shower? Every bridal shower I've been to, the FI was there. Is that not normal?
@boston bee: Everything you said is what I summarized a gift giving norm here in the US would be! :) So I am doing everything the american way!
And your family is not weird! Very typical, in my opinion :)
@boston bee: OMG! I've never been to a shower where the FI was present! This thread is seriously a great learning experience for me!!! LOL! Again, maybe this is the Filipino in me, as I've only attended showers of Filipino brides. The FI is supposed to be present in the shower?! That's it, I'm officially an ignoramus!
I think it could also be a regional thing as well. For example: I'm originally from a small rural southern town. People there give registry gifts at a "bridal shower" or "bridal tea". The only gifts or cards typically given at the actual wedding are from people who were unable to attend a shower. At my hometown shower we received registry gifts and gift cards/cash. Anyone that gives two gifts is often considered flashy, etc. However, that is not the case in any other location where either of us have lived. So I do think there are isolated places where the "rules" are just different!
i always thought that the bridal shower was just that a BRIDAL shower... all i've been ther were seperate gifts. many times the gifts at the bridal shower are even gag gifts...(condoms, toys, ect.) where the weddig gift is is truely for the couple... and as far as those using budget as an excuse gifts don't have to be expensive...
@ggsb: Well said! Funny how rules change when you are in a different zip code.
Oops, just to clarify, I would never expect bridesmaids to give a gift at a bridal shower if they are hosting. But since they are hosting, I personally think that it makes sense for guests to give a gift to the bride at the shower. For the wedding, give a gift to the bride and groom.
Now, that being said, I completely understand about people's budgets, and I think it's reasonable to give a $20 gift at the shower and a more expensive gift at the wedding.
Lol I don't think you sound money grabbing, I think maybe your guest might feel put off by being told only one gift! I'm sure they didn't say that though, that would just be weird.
@msqhoney....how funny that you should mention you are filipino....because a bunch of my filipino relatives gave me stuff from our registry at my bridal shower and didn't give us presents at the wedding! However, those people who did do that i think are in financial difficulty and i had asked them and their kids to be in our wedding party so i'm sure it cost a lot of $ for them! i didn't mind one bit that they didn't give us presents at our wedding, i really didn't expect it after what we got at the bridal shower!
on the other hand, i personally have always given lingerie or cutesy stuff for the bride at the bridal shower and a gift for both the bride & groom at the wedding. if i can't afford one, i just skip the shower & go to the wedding!
however, i was totally surprised at a party i went to last year, it was called a Wedding shower and i thought it was the same thing as a bridal shower but the groom & the bride were there and everyone bought them presents from the registry! i felt really out of place because i had bought a bunch of skanky lingerie for the bride and i think i was one of the two people that gave her lingerie! talk about being out of place! hehe
@mscremebrulee: I am 100% sure that my BM's would still get me a gift during the shower eventhough they are hosting, but maybe not in the wedding. I'm totally fine with that :) I think that's more than enough. I felt really bad for one BM because she decided to take off work for one week to attend my bridal shower, bachelorette party and wedding, and had to pay over $400 for her plane tix! Yikes!
@contrarymary: I guess your filipino relatives are more in tune with the american ways than we are! LOL! However, I do the exact same thing that you do and have been giving girly stuff at bridal showers. So far, I haven't been to a "wedding shower" so I will surely keep your experience in mind so I wouldn't whip out some "inappropriate" gifts when I'm attending one.
it was quite funny actually, because right after that "wedding shower" i made sure that my bms let everyone know that the party i was having was a "Bridal shower" and sure enough...about 70% of guests got me lingerie! my cousin in the PI says "wedding showers" are all the rage there now?? who knew!
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