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Long story short, I had a MoH, Jane, that flaked out and generally didn't have a clue what to do to support me leading up to the wedding or on the day. Since then, I've kinda let our friendship slide b/c there is just no easy or polite way to tell someone that they really ruined the experiance for you b/c they weren't around to help.
Anyone else have this issue?
I know some of this is my fault b/c I could have gotten her a book since she had never been in a wedding before, but I assumed that she'd get a clue.
I'm not sure what to tell you since I haven't gotten married yet... however I can tell you that some people just don't know what to do in these situations. They may not know the etiquette or the planning that goes into a wedding, so it may seem like they don't care to help, even though the truth may be that they had no idea how to help.
Did you tell her things that she could do to help you out? It seems a little mean to let this relationship slide because you feel she 'ruined' your wedding experience. Was it really so drastic like that?
I was my sister's MOH and I was TERRIFIED of letting her down, so at some points I felt paralyzed about what I should be doing, and whether some detail or plan I had made would be something she even wanted. She was very particular about what she liked, and I was scared to let her down, since I'm not a party planner at all... I'm the farthest thing from Martha Stewart.
I just think maybe you should ease up on your friend. You even thought to get her a book because you knew she was inexperienced, but then decided not to. You kind of left her out to dry. You CHOSE her to be a bridesmaid, I'm assuming because she was a good friend of yours, yet you didn't bother to help her out in that respect.
She was one of 5 BM's I had, so she had others to turn to in if she had questions. My mom got cancer literally 2 months before the wedding so I was a little flaky on getting ahold of so I made copius lists and posted them on Google Docs so all the BM's could djust look at them. I had one that got so fed up with "Jane" for not even planning a bachelorette night for me that she went ahead and did it herself. My parents neighbors had to step up at the last minute to host us a shower b/c she hadn't thought of that either. It was just a mess.
Our DW was at a hotel and she decided to use points and stay at another hotel on the other side of town. She was never around the few days leading up to the DW b/c she was off doing other things (touristy) with her parents instead of stuffing OOT bags, hanging out etc.
Well, that really sucks to have a bridesmaid who was so unwilling to help. If I were in your shoes, I think I would just sort of avoid her from now on. You offered help in the best way you could, and she did have other BMs to ask. It sounds like she wasn't really into it, and actually avoided getting involved, so you don't really want that sort of 'friend' in your life anyway... someone who is pretty unreliable.
I don't know if I would say anything to her, because I feel like she'd just make excuses or whatever. If it were me, I'd just kind of let her go...
p.s. so sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she's doing better.
Wow. In all honesty I think you are being a bit harsh. It was YOUR wedding, not your MoH's wedding. Was she there to support you on your wedding day? IMO that is the ONLY "duty" of a BM/MoH.
interestingly enough, the BM i have talked to the least since the wedding is my sister! She's in a relationship with a very controlling GF and had they been more serious when we were getting married, my own sister probably wouldn't have come to the wedding! Even then she spent hours on the phone with the girl, standing in the hallway because the GF refused to talk to her if someone else was in the room!
Since then she's also been having arguments about money with my parents (as in, she wants to spend lots of their money and they won't let her anymore) so it's been very stressful and kindof depressing to go from talking to my sister once a week to maybe talking with her once every couple of months!
my other bms are on facebook and we constantly stay in touch - my sister defriended me when I told her that I thought her girlfriend was too controlling and the relationship wasn't a good one. Sigh - hello foot, meet mouth.
Did she really RUIN your whole wedding, just because she wasn't sure about typical "wedding protocol"? That's a shame. My bridesmaids are my FI's sisters, and they are all from Nigeria. They hardly know anything about how weddings over here work, and I don't expect them to. You said yourself that she has never been to a wedding, and I think expecting a MOH to "read up" on their role is a bit much.
I don't really understand your post. Yes, it was MY wedding. And she decided to do other things than help out when all the other BM's were doing those things. Did you miss the fact that she was my MoH and didn't plan a shower or a bach night and other BM's had to step up?
if she put on the dress and showed up at the wedding on time her duties are complete. anything else (showers, oot bags, bachelorette parties) is a nice bonus, but not required.
sorry to hear about your mother though.
@Miss Sapphire: Nope, I didn't miss any of those things. So she missed out when the other BM's were doing things, oh well. BM's aren't hired helped. If they can help - great, but it is NOT a requirement, at least in my book.
I just can't fathom letting a friendship die because she didn't do enough for your wedding.
From a BMs perspective - it's just annoying when everyone else is there to help out and one person decides that she has something better to do. Absolutely BMs are not hired help, and expectations do vary from wedding to wedding. But it's one thing if you can't be there (as I couldn't for one bride because I live in another state) until the night before the wedding and quite another to show up for the entire week and not participate at all until the day of the wedding.
@SanDiegoAli: Can you understand her disappointment though? Her being a MOH... I think everyone would agree that that comes with some degree of responsibility. I think it's the fact that a friend that she cared about seemed to not really care enough to help. That's all. I don't think her OP really got the point across.
If there was a certain reason why this MOH couldn't help out (either has a hugely busy life of her own or lived out of town) then that's one thing. It's expected. But she was asked to throw a bachelorette party and a shower and did neither of those things. That's a disappointment, no matter which way you look at it.
I can understand wanting to distance myself from someone who acted like that.
Disappointment is one thing.
Cutting a friend out of your life because she didn't live up to the play by play you had planned in your head is completely different.
I still stand by my opinion on this and others are welcome to stand by theirs, to each their own.
I totally understand your disappointment in her lack of participation with events and planning up to your day. However, I really think the only "duty" of a BM or a MOH is to be there on that day in the appointed dress at the appointed hour. It's awesome that your other BM's stepped in and helped your with some of the tasks that you needed help with and helped to plan the parties that you felt your MOH was responsible for.
But ultimately it's not really required. In my personal situation with our wedding, I didn't want anyone to feel burdened by our wedding or pre-wedding tasks/events - so I did everything myself - showers/gifts/favors/etc.
I mean it was a DW, and I probably would have tried to save as much money to attend as well by using points if I had them available and would have also turned it into a mini-vacation if possible.
Perhaps you should look at it from all sides...from what you've told us (and there might be more to the situation than what you've explained) I think you're being a tad harsh.
Now, on the other hand - I totally think as a friend (MOH or whatever) that she should of been there during the tough times with your mother - I'm super happy she's doing well!
-Best of Luck and congrats on the wedding!
I'm kind of in the middle on this one.
I completely understand why the OP is hurt, but I don't think that anyone should expect showers/bachelorettes/etc. to be planned for them. We don't know what the MoH's reason was for not "stepping up" to that. It could be she's a flake. It could be that she just didn't have the cash to plan/help pay for the party.
However, I think that it's pretty awful that she was in town the week before and didn't participate in the other activities with the OPs bridal party. That's just insensitive. You're in town. All this costs is your time...which seeing as how you're in the bridal party, you should be willing to give (within reason). Everyone else is pitching in. You decide to see the sites.
I think that it's fair to take a second look at the friendship and, to me, it's not really about about the parties or even because she ditched the "stuffing" party, but as part of a pattern of behaviour from the MoH which isn't so flattering.
EDIT: I pressed POST before I could say that I'm glad that your mom is doing well!
I guess I'm not clear on how her lack of enthusiasm ruined your wedding... There was a shower, right? And you did have a bachelorette? And the bags were, at the end of the day, stuffed?
It sounds to me as though what really irks you is the lack of emotional support, and that I totally understand. Telling someone, "You seemed unavailable when I needed your hel to cope with something difficult and I'm hurt," makes sense. Cutting someone off because s/he failed to live up to vaguely expressed expectations is pretty harsh, though, IMO.
Umm, two of my bridesmaids told me via text that they couldn't be in the wedding, the day before the wedding. Yes, one was sick, which I have forgave her for and the other one, I no longer talk to. I don't think she wanted to come. I was trying to help her out so much during the wedding planning process (since she was out of state). I just don't understand why she didn't let me know long before the wedding. I don't know if she even bought the bm dress. If she would have actually talked to me about whatever she was dealing with, I would of considered helping her pay for her dress. But she didn't so I didn't.
Sad, her grandmother is neighbors with my parents. I thought she was a good friend.
My MOH, I noticed through the wedding planning process that we are two different people and that we weren't as close as I thought we were. We are still friends but not as close as we were. I don't think the wedding caused it but it definitely shed some light on our friendship.
I'm sorry you're disappointed. If this was me, I would take a step back and try to see the bigger picture of what friendship is. I'm not trying to say that you're not, but you do seem acutely hurt, and some of that might pass - especially if the hurt is related to the more materialistic parts of the wedding (shower, parties, bachelorette, etc).
Try to see this person in the context of a friend and not how she failed in certain duties that you saw fit for a wedding MoH. There was something there with her at some point that made you really care for her and have a close friendship.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt on not being as "into" the wedding as you had hoped. I would just caution that life is long and good friends are hard to find. And when the rubber really meets the road being a good friend has nothing at all to do with throwing you a party or any other "one day only" kind of task.
Did you ever ask her along the way why she might not be doing these pop culture wedding related things? Was she a good friend otherwise, just not as it related to details of a wedding? What made you pick her as your MoH?
I agree with Ballerina Bride she didn't really RUIN anything she just didn't do all the things you expected her to do, but that she was under no obligation to do. If she was as important enough to you to want her to be your MOH, I just don't see why you wouldn't want to be friends now. It's not like she ran naked though your reception screaming mean things about you and knocking over decor, all she did was spend time with her family.
@yrret107 - I don't know whats worse, 2 days before your wedding pr VIA text!! That sucks!
@Miss Sapphire: I understand what you mean! While I could never cut them out of my life, I've also been disappointed in my MoH & BM. I don't agree w/ the "they're only supposed to stand up there w/ you" argument. You picked these women because you felt they were going to be there for you, but when they're not you're disappointed. I truly thought that my girls were going to step up to the plate & want to help, but they haven't. My mom keeps telling me, "You already know how they are...". And I know she's right, but I know if it were me I'd want to be there to help the bride because I feel it's an honor to be apart of such a special day. Unfortunately, not everyone thinks like us. While it is sometimes upsetting, you'll still get through it & do what you need to do. But MoH certainly is NOT ruining our day!!
I agree your going a little over board here. There must be a reason you asked her to be your MOH. Not just for her abilities to get tasks done. While it's nice for your BM and MOH to help out with things; it shouldnt' be expected. Some people aren't that into weddings especially if they've never been involved in one or had one of their own. I'd cut her some slack and get over it...
@Miss Sapphire: I agree with you that it stinks that she didn't help out the way you hoped your MOH would, but like others have said she isn't required to do that. Since its a DW Im sure she (and her parents) spent a decent amount of money to be there for you. A lot of times people use DW's as their vacation time as well so I don't think its fair for you to expect her to be doing things for your wedding 24/7 which shes there. Would it be nice if she helped? Yes. But its not her job.
I somewhat understand where you are coming from. My MOH really let me down the weekend of my wedding. In many pictures she isnt smiling and this just shows me that she really was grumpy gills all weekend. However, I am not letting this ruin our friendship. It sucks, but its over. We havent seen each other since I got back from my honeymoon and I just texted her today to get together this weekend. I just needed some space. I havent read through all the posts, but I would just say that maybe she had other things going on in her life so you should cut her some slack. If you still had a great wedding and her actions or behavior was just a minor mishap then I think you should be able to forgive and forget. However, its up to you - you know the situation better than any of us so I think you will make your own determination.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in having a BM/MOH who disappointed you.
While I do understand where you are coming from, let me speak on behalf of the MOH for a second here. No, I don't know you and wasn't your BM, but I was a BM for a very close friend while I was in college. She was the first of my friends to get married (and the only one so far) and asked me to be in her party. I had zero clue what to do during the preparation and honestly was the absolute worst BM ever...ever.
I didn't plan any showers, or bach parties, (though I went to all), I didn't help her go dress shopping or stuff envelopes or pick out flowers. But I was there on her day and helped her into the dress and bustled her gown and got her what she needed. I am so happy she didn't ditch me and our friendship because I was a total bonehead during college and couldn't even fathom what it meant responsibility wise, to be a BM. I hear your frustrations, I do, but really, maybe after a time, you'll be able to forgive her for her horrid lapse in judgment and rekindle your friendship. There was a reason you asked her to be in your party after all.
Luckily, my friend still calls me and we still hang out, and she's in my bridal party doing 1,000 times better of a job than I ever did. I am more than thankful for everything she does and I tell her that often.
Didn't mean to hijack your thread, but I thought this personal experience might be helpful to you.
Thanks everyone for the comments.
I picked her as my MoH because I had known her the longest. The person who I wanted really badly to be my MoH cautioned me that if I picked her, then Jane would feel very bad. It was not a pity pick for Jane as MoH, by my other BM made me realize that time is more important. More like an honor thing.
As for the planning, the 2 parties were spurred along by my other BM's. I never asked for either. The shower ended up being a couple's shower hosted by a family friend and they did awesome. The bach night was a dinner and bar thing planned by my other BM's after Jane was unable to pull anything together in time.
Jane lives the closest to me, along with one other BM. The other ones live out of state. While I understand that a BM doesn't have to do anything other than show up and look happy, it sucks that the ones that live out of state ended up doing a lot of the planning a leg work.
To accept to be in a wedding means that you want to help. It's not just a modeling gig.
@rachaelrobin: I think yours is a great example of why some people just are not sure of the "responsibilities" of being MoH or BM. Your friend obviously understood because she had been in that position before. She understand what goes into making a wedding happen. She knows what it's like to be stressed & needing the help & wanting her girls to be there for her. I'm glad she didn't let it ruin your friendship, sometimes it isn't worth it.
@Miss Sapphire: Your last line made me LOL. Those are my sentiments exactly. Sorry you're having to deal w/ this! I think we all have one in our wedding parties.
@Miss Sapphire: To accept to be in a wedding means that you want to help. It's not just a modeling gig.
I'm sorry, I really can't agree with that statement at all.
When my husband and I got married, I didn't expect a thing from my MOH, or my BMs. My MOH was nice enough, in fact, to throw me a shower, along with my mom, but I didn't get a b'ette night (kind of glad about that one, actually), and I didn't expect that my MOH help me the days leading up to our DW when we were all in town. Stuffing OOT bags and all other errands were mine and my husband's responsibilities. I expected that wedding party and family members that arrived early to enjoy themselves. It was a vacation for them after all.
So no, it's not just a modeling gig, but it's not much more than that. I expected my WP to attend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner, and spend all day at the wedding. That was about it.
I just wish brides wouldn't have so many "expectations" for their wedding party. When it comes down to it, it's also a celebration for them - their friend or family member is getting married. To me, all the work falls on the bride and groom, and it's just icing on the cake if they have helpful friends and family.
All that said, I truly, truly, truly hope your mom is doing better on on the road to a full recovery.
Having served as a Maid of Honor in two weddings, and a bridal attendant in several more, I know that all that is truly required of a bridesmaid is that they stand up and support you during the ceremony and the reception. I've been in weddings that I have known more about what is proper to do at a wedding than the bride herself, so I think that criticising an attendant for her lack of knowledge doesn't really work. I had that knowledge because I've been involved in numerous wedding events.
You knew her wedding experiences and knowledge prior to asking her to take that major role. If you wanted a person with more knowledge, then you should have asked that person. A shower and a girl's night out are really just frills. Yes, showers are traditional, but it sounds like you didn't miss out on having one, just that a different friend hosted the event.
@Miss Sapphire: I totally agree with you that it is not just a "modeling gig". I have always felt that the bridal party should help to some degree with invites, attire, etc. I don't agree with those that think they should simply just be there for you on your wedding day.
It's interesting though to see all the different comments. I've always thought the maids and MOH had duties to help the bride with the planning. Seems as if everybody has a different idea of what the bridal party duties are. That right there presents a problem. If a woman asks me right now to be a bridesmaid, I will help assist with everything. If I ask a woman now to be my bridesmaid and she doesn't think it's her duty to help, I won't get any help and wonder why (since I think it's her duty to help on some level). So it seems as if this all depends on what your views are and who you ask!
That said, I had a Man of Honor (my best friend) and he helped with the food tasting, cake tasting and that's about it. I would have asked him to help with my invites, but he has horrible handwriting so I wrote them all myself. But he definately would have helped with those, too. However, even if he hadn't helped, I wouldn't end the friendship over it! He'd still be my best friend. :)
I am still just as close with my MOH's and BM's, but I can totally understand your disappointment. My good friend told me that weddings are the cheapest way to find out who your real friends are and she was totally right. It's all in peoples actions, how much effort they make or enthusiasm they show. In my opinion, if you accept to be someones MOH you are agreeing to go a little above and beyond BM duties, even if it's just emotional support or 'checking in' with the bride every once in a while. And if the BM's organized the shower and bach with no help from the MOH that's bad..
Ugh ... I am kind of sad the bridesmaids drama posts have made their way onto the Nesting area ... I was kind of hoping they would stay to the bridesmaids area!
Did you let Jane know what to expect and what you wanted? If not, then you can't fault her.
I also can't fault her for doing touristy things with her parents. I know I would want to explore wherever I was with my BF or mom if invited. And one other thing I can't understand is why you are brining this up when it happen last year?
I know that I am going to out OOT bags to, however, I am going to do all that stuff beforehand and have it shipped to my hotel. This way I don't have to worry about getting it down and missing out on spending time with my guests or making someone else help me.
If you don't want to be friends with let the friendship slide. No reason to be harsh, especially since she had never been in a wedding before. I mean shouldn't have your husband to be show up and the fact that you are married now be enough? I don't see how her going out ruined your day. Wasn't there any other good things that you can focus on?
And you know what they say when you "assume": you make an "ass" out "u" and "me". If anything I would put partial blame on yourself. After she "flaked" out on not planning your parties (which you say you never asked for anyways....?), wouldn't you think to sit down and talk to her?
I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that this has been a long time coming. You've already acknowledged that you didn't do as much as you could have to help her, I don't think that's really being debated. Try not to feel too bad about any of this. Some friendships dwindle over time, and this sounds like one you're relieved to be rid of. Try to strip off the social implications of her being a MOH for a second, and see what you're left with.
I just noticed your wedding date was awhile ago. Have you spoke to your friend since?
I can see both sides of this. On one hand, my sister had seven bridesmaids. She only speaks to two of us...the two of us that are her sisters. She chose college roommates and within two years of her wedding, she'd lost almost complete contact with all of them. I have lots of girlfriends, but my BMs will be just my sisters. I think you pick the very few women you are the closest with and go with that.
I also don't think being MOH is a job description. I was my sister's MOH and while I threw her a shower and read a speech, I was 19 at the time and my mom definitely helped me with all of those things. I think it's a lot to expect her to just know what you expect from her. And I really, really, really don't like the idea of bridesmaids being little helpers. My sisters will certainly help me with things, but they're my sisters and I have helped them. There are very few things that I'll ask them to help with though, as it's my wedding and I'm going to figure this out on my own. Whether you see it this way or not, it's not her wedding. It's not a group wedding. It's your day. And while you get to be the center of attention, you earn that right by doing the leg work and making the day happen (or paying someone else to make it happen.)
Finally, coordinating that stuff can be expensive. I threw a shower for a friend who was having a wedding across the country and it cost me quite a bit even though we were just doing a brunch shower at a restaurant. We also each dropped over $100 on her bachlorette which was again, just a nice dinner with drinks. Tack that onto paying for the dress, traveling, and buying you presents, and people spend a lot on your wedding. Maybe she wasn't in a financial situation to throw you parties as well?
@moderndaisy: Isn't that the truth? Not just in this case, but we also had some very close family friends that decided at the last minute not to come. It was very sad.
@Ms Mini: Sorry to offend you. I wanted to hear from some that were already married though. It gives me a better perspective.
@Ms Sassy: I appreciated the shower and bach night. My other Bm's did an awesome job and it was only about $25 a head for dinner. Very reasonable. The shower was done by a family friend so I don't know the total cost.
@MissHelen: You're correct. Which is sad. B/c I've known her for so long one would think that we'd have more in common now but I've learned that we all hit different stages in our lives at different times. This leads me not to have a lot to talk to her about any more.
@smith2be: A few times. But I did just post this thread today.
@artichokey: I do not believe that cost was an issue. I know from dealing with things before the other BM's took over that things were kept in check money wise. We're all on budgets to some degree or other.
@Miss Sapphire- I didn't mean since you posted this, I meant since your wedding. 
Maybe it's a familial or cultural thing, but I've been in many weddings as have both of my daughters, and all these expectations of a bridal party are so strange to me. I've been MOH and a BM several times and even a Jr.BM(way back when I was 10), and in all of those weddings, everything other than Batchelorette parties were planned by the families of the bride and groom (more specifically, the Moms).
People (the bridal party girls) showed up early for the showers and helped decorate and set things up and almost always chipped in for one large gift from them, as well as split the cost of the entire shower. We stayed to clean up , pack up the bride's car and other than show up dressed for the wedding itself, were never asked to help with anything. Families do all that in every single wedding I've been involved with. Your Mom,FMIL, sisters,cousins...those were the people who helped stuff envelopes or help with seating charts/place cards/favors. The bride & groom picked their own cake, flowers usually with the Moms, and NO ONE went with the bride to help her pick a dress or shoes or veil or accessories....she went with her Mom and maybe sisters.
If anyone had asked me to make phone calls about limos or a DJ and prices or anything else,I would have probably laughed at them. Those things are done by the bride and groom and their families, not the people you've asked to be in your wedding. Who on earth decided what their 'jobs' were supposed to be these days, as it is certainly not tradition. You might expect those things, but I'm afraid you'll be disappointed.
We just had 2 destination weddings this past year, and both had only a MOH and a BM with a best man and GM. Guess who did all the groundwork for both weddings? My daughters and I did it all, and since each were the other's MOH, they planned the batchelorette parties, including several friends that were really involved, and happy to be included. I planned and organized both showers and paid for most of them myself. I think those things are MY job, no matter what etiquette dictates (and that depends on what you read and who you believe). The weddings and parties were for MY daughters, so who should care more about them than me? Nobody else, I promise you, nor would I expect them to 'do' anything other than have a good time on the day of the wedding.
Everybody seems to have very different thoughts on this subject, and after all the years of being in and planning weddings, I've seen many relationships end after the wedding. That's one of the reasons I firmly believe people should only have family members in their bridal parties...they'll almost always still be around, while friends will move on.
Accepting a role as BM means you want to help? Huh? That's a new one for me, and I've been around a long time.....
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