- 4 years ago
- Wedding: November 2012
I wouldn’t reply. I would not give in to someone acting like that. She just wants attention. If you give it to her she will continue to act the same way.
Geeze, I sound so mean! It’s hard to think of being mean to a grandma for some reason!
@Loupyloo: grandmothers can be hard. i live with mine… Don’t get me wrong, I love her very much, but there are things that frustrate me! I’d say just play along with her. Don’t get to the point of ignoring her but don’t give it much importance either.
try to understand her… Maybe she feels lonely or unimportant deep down, and this is her way to try to stand up and feel like she is doing something.
I think it really depends on what kind of relationship you want to have with her. My mother is very similar (with the emails, not necessarily the focus of the emails), and i have learned that those emails that she is specifically fishing for a compliment are best replied to instantly and with a “looks great” or “sounds great” or whatever she’s looking for. The more abusive emails, i dont respond to, leave it until i stop fuming and then just pretend it never happened. i’ve tried confronting in the past, but that leads to 6 months of silence and i feel like thats more unhealthy than me just being the bigger person.
She probably wont change her behaviour, so you just have to adapt and find a way that appeases her, without making you feel like you’re just buying into it.
Not sure how helpful that is, but i’m sorry you’re getting put through these types of things.
@Loupyloo: Without truly knowing any of the details about her, you, and your relationship, the standard common sense advice in this sort of stiuation is:
If she causes you more pain than what you get from the relationsip with her, drop her.
I don’t know how far you live from her, I don’t know if there are any positives in your relationship with her, I don’t know how much overall trouble it would be to extracate yourself from relating to her.
But if it’s going to cause a Big Giant Mess in your family to drop her, it seems to me that it is easy enough to send a general, firendly e-mail saying : nice catalog, grandma! or whatever. Sure she is manipulative, but if you let her into your head, that’s on you. You cannot control her, you can only control your own reaction to her.
Continue with general, brief emails, that’s not difficult to do. But write her off in your head. IF she comes back at your about something, always lightly express how busy your are and “Sorry!” and etc. so that she doesn’t use your words against you.l
Dont’ give her written ammo to use against you, so much of that goes ’round and ’round in this age of Facebook.
If this kind of behavior has been going on for a while I would ignore the email and not respond. She will find something to be snarky about no matter what your reply says.
@Loupyloo: It’s obvious that she is looking for compliments, but why not send her a brief email when receiving the catalogs, saying you received them, thanks for thinking of you, and it looks lovely? Then you might be able to avoid the emailed criticism after the fact.
@Loupyloo: i remember your other thread, i would honestly reply with your phone number in the email and say if there’s an issue please call me and we can talk about it.
I worry with people like her that they save and hold onto every little message you send them and then use it against you to show the emails to other family members in attempt to discredit you. i would not want anything is writing that she could use to hurt you. Best of luck!! <3
@Loupyloo: While annoying, when people are fishing for compliments, I just give it to them. I know it’s insincere and I don’t get hung up on wondering “Are they mad at me for not complimenting them quickly enough/profusely enough?” This is your grandmother’s problem, not yours. My mom frequently fishes for compliments, but I KNOW it’s because it’s insecure and I’m not responsible for predicting what she’s feeling bad about. She fishes, I compliment, end of story. Passive agressive digs should be ignored.
Sounds like a Take the High Road situation.
As someone who has no grandparents left and has also lost my mother, I am never in favor of just cutting family out if there is a way to co-exist peacefully.
If she just wants praise, I guess I could suck that up and give it to her. If she is also saying very mean things… that could change the scenario.
Has anyone ever confronted her?
I guess I don’t really see why this e-mail is so hurtful? Is there some reason you couldn’t just compliment the work she did since she is obviously insecure and needing some validation? She doesn’t actually say anything that appears rude to me, in this example anyway
@AnonymousCupcake: that is my usual approach, but she sends these sort of things at least once a week and sometimes I see them and forget to reply complimenting her, and when I do I get a snarky email in response. Its exhausting!
@prahajess: i dont know if anyone has been totally direct and said how unflattering it is to be so boastful, or saying that she is offending them. But she has fallen out and lost touch with many people over the years. I just dont know the details of why or what was said.
@WillowTreeWade: yeah I appreciate it doesn’t seem that bad alone, but it is in the context of years and years of boasting, demanding attention and kicking off when praise isnt delivered. Her comments about being inundated with love from around the world and about ‘perhaps not all’ is directly aimed at me and is an attempt to make me feel bad for not being immediately responsive in the way that she expects.
So far I haven’t replied at all. Am thinking of sending the following message which I think is polite, and concise, but subtley signals to her that I have interpreted her tone, and that perhaps it is not necessary to say similar things in the future? Thoughts or things I could change?
I am well thank you.
I did receive the catalogue – its been a very busy week at work and we have had friends staying with us all this weekend, but it was on my list to email and let you know that I thought it was lovely and very well put together.
I would not compliment her in response to that passive-aggressive email. It rewards her poor behavior, and will cause her to do it more, not less.
If you choose to reply, I would suggest not including any compliments. Reply in a more neutral tone, answer what was asked about you. Or don’t reply at all.
Don’t get me wrong, you can compliment her sometimes when you feel like it, but I wouldn’t do so in response to passive-agressive compliment solicitations. Show her how to treat you to get the response she wants.