- 5 years ago
Needless to say, I love my DH and I knew he has a bit of a type 1, slightly controling personality when I married him. I’m naturally laid back so if he needs a towel to be hung a certain way, or a pan cleaned in a certain manner, hey, I’m game. I really don’t give a shit how I do it so if I do it in a way that keeps him from losing his damn mind then I’m going to do it. I REALLY don’t care.
BUT, that being said, while I really don’t have preferences for a lot of things in my life I still do SOME things a certain way because they’re programmed into my set of behaviors and speak to my personality. I’m not a malleable robot after all. Do I make a big deal if things aren’t done my way? Hell no. But sometimes I do like to follow my own beat.
And, that also being said, I’ve about had it with DH and his attitude towards our “differences of opinion” on how we should go through life. Why? Because I take plenty of time out of my day to do things his way, to keep him happy, to concede to his picky personality for the sake of keeping the peace and because I like making him happy. All I ask is that every great once in a while he just hold his goddamn tongue when I do something my way for once. We’re not talking about life-altering decisions. We’re talking about choosing to wait for a red turn light as opposed to driving to the next intersection because that one *might* be green. Dumb shit like that. Given the massive amounts of consideration I give him I think I deserve the respect to make my own choices from time to time since I am my own person and not an extension of his right arm.
Recently, he’s taken to using my complaints about his behavior to mean me and the world are just ganging up on him and “calling him crazy” as opposed to acknowledging that his is, without warrant, scoffing and rolling his eyes every time something doesn’t go his way (yes, like a bratty child). On top of that, he slowly been establishing a small list of phrases that can’t be used with him in regards to his behavior. Phrases such as “you don’t understand,” “it will be ok,” or simply asking what his preference is. He’s determined that these are “patronizing” and he doesn’t want to hear them, which only makes things more difficult. And no, I don’t have a problem with my tone. Even said in the nicest of tones the phrases now “set him off.”
Today I ask him if I should go into the turn lane and wait at the red light (one other thing he’s VERY particular about) or go to the next intersection to see if that light is green. He says, “Just turn. Why are you even asking me?” I explain to him that I understand that he’s particular about whether or not we wait at red lights so I was asking him what his preference was. He then states that asking his preference is now deemed “patronizing” and that I shouldn’t ask him anymore. I then explain to him that I’ve been asking him for a very long time because I was tired of scoffs, criticisms and rolled eyes when I chose to wait at a red light so in order to avoid that I ask what he wants. Fight ensues. He is vehemently denying that he’s that controlling in one breath and follwing it with “but there’s no reason why you should wait at the light because I’ve explained why you shouldn’t multiple times.” I reply that I really don’t care and sincerely don’t mind waiting and the ONLY reason I ask is because he’s the one that gets bent out of shape if I DON’T do what he would want to do.
Instead of just saying, “oh, I didn’t realize I was doing that. I’m sorry,” he does what he always does and denies, denies, denies, then proclaims that I’m just accusing him of being an “asshole” despite the fact that I’M NOT. He just can’t take responsibility for his behavior even after acknowledging that this is what he does and feel absolutely no need to apologize for trying to control me. And I’m done. I’m sick of it. I deserve some respect, some consideration, and a fucking apology from time to time when someone does something wrong to me. Is that really so much to ask? We’ve talked about it. We’ve argued about it. And I don’t believe it’s getting through because he repeats the behavior and again denies it ever happened or that he did anything wrong.
Help. Advice. Anything. Anyone with a very type 1 partner? Can you tell me what has worked for you? How would you talk to him about this? I’m at my wits end and if I don’t solve this I WILL resent our relationship and I will lose respect for him. It’s late and I need to go to bed. But I will log on first thing in the morning to reply, if anyone has decided to read and reply to my novel. Thanks.