- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
So bees, lately I have been feeling down, frustrated, and a lot on the emotional side. I have been crying more than I have because I’m so overwhelmed. I don’t like feeling like this at all, it’s not me :(. I’m usually happy go lucky, but lately that’s not the case. In the last few months, alot has been going on and I’m not sure if that is what is causing me to feel like this or what. Fiance had an incident about 7 months ago, since then I’ve forgiven him and moved past it eventhough it still gets to me a little. Our relationship has become alot stronger since then and we are more excited than ever about the wedding. He makes sure I know it will never happen again.
In the past few months also, I have been doing SO much stuff for the wedding/getting stuff together and such since we are planning from out of state and will not be able to move to California until 45 days before the wedding. We just found out a couple weeks ago that we couldn’t move until then which changed our plans as far as planning goes because now we have to do it from Texas.
This is week are also my last days at my branch (I work for a bank) and starting Monday I will be full time instead of part time at a whole other branch. I’m excited and nervous all at the same time.
Also, the fear of stepping fully into my FI’s kids’ (from previous marriage) scares me alot. He has sole physical custody of them so they will start to live with us from August and on for the rest of our lives. Fiance is military and gave guardianship to his sister in California because both of our schedules out here would put them in daycare for 90% of the day and we didn’t want that. We wanted them to be taken care of more time than our schedules would have alotted out here in Texas. Their mother only gets to see them twice a month because she’s not a fit mother and lives from place to place. The kids love me, I know they do, but I can’t help but feel like if I get too attached and act as their mother, I might get bummed when they have to go see their mom. Fiance hasn’t been able to LIVE with them for the last 4 years (they are ages 5 and 6) due to the military being deployed for a year and then out here in Texas for 3 years right after. So it will be a new parenting experience for him too. I can’t help but feel that I can’t get attached and step in to do the things a mother would do because I’m NOT their MOM. I know I will take the title “stepmom”, but I don’t want to act as a mother and then the kids ask why I do the things I do for them and why their mother doesn’t do those things :o/. Maybe I’m just over-worried? I’m stressed about having kids around all the time because I have never had anything like it? Over thinking the title?
I am also a full time college student, so I have that to worry about. Finals are next week and then I’m taking the summer off to breathe a little.
Our wedding is in 4 months, so we are planning big time right now because we are away.
Last and final thing, is that we are 2 1/2 months away from moving from Texas to California. We are trying to prepare for jobs there before we get there that way we don’t start with nothing. Fiance is leaving Sunday to California for 2 weeks (he’s never been gone longer than 2 days and that was the only time he has been away in the 4 years we’ve been together), to go do the mandatory transition class for going from military to civilian and to also test and do agility tests for 3 different police departments while he is there to try and get a spot with one of them so he has something when we get there. I’m bummed cause he will be gone for that long AND he will get to see the kids and his family because they live there and here in San Antonio, I have no family or anything while he is away :(. For me, it’s not so easy to get something before we get there because I can’t just take off for 2 weeks to go out there for interviews :(. So I’m worried about having nothing when we get there and I still have bills to pay for me :o/. I am also stressed about finding a college over there because I don’t know the area hardly at all and we only have an “idea” of the area we maybe want to move. It all depends on his police dept thing I guess. I don’t know if I’m jealous cause he gets to see the kids on top of me missing him or if it’s just him being gone?
All of this has me down and I don’t know what to deal with first or what to think. I feel like I’m completely overwhelmed and I don’t know what to do with all this emotion that I am feeling. I never thought you could experience happy, sad, stressed, frustrated, excited, and confused all at the same time. Recently I’ve been really snappy with the Fiance and I feel so bad because it’s not me :(, but I feel like I can’t express how I feel any other way and I have no one else to talk to about it. It seems everytime I talk to him about things, it comes out wrong lately and I frustrate him and I tell him I will just keep it to myself then and he doesn’t want that because he says it’s “not healthy”, but then I don’t want to irritate him talking to him either. At times I feel jealous about the kids and that he had them with someone else and we have none yet, but I know that that can’t be changed. I love the kids alot, but wish we had kids of our own already. The other times they are visiting with us, I don’t feel as bad because I know I am better off than their mom anyway. I am planning on next year for the first OUR first kid.
Any advice bees from any of you that have been through any of this? What am I feeling do you think? Jealousy? Anger? Just overwhelmed and so everything seems to be wrong? I wish I knew 🙁 and how to fix it.