Post # 1
My mother wrote me this email:
I know you’d rather be rammed by a rhino in the middle of a large grass fire with molten lava rocks pummling down on your head and there would be lions hanging off of the rhino just realizing you would be a much easier dinner……. but I think you need to order an inexpensive corsage for (Stepdad’s Mom) and I will pay for it. It’s the proper thing to do and it will keep her in a good mood and in the background making her feel special. Not another thought my dear …….. Its out of your hands.
So my beef is this:
I don’t like the woman and didn’t want to invite her. I have no relationship with my stepdad, he used to be a *very* uncool guy to my mother, and has only recently cleaned up his act and learned to behave. His family on the other hand still give me the heebies, and I only invited them because my mother wanted me to.
and NOW she wants me to give the woman a corsage?!?! as though she’s some sort of grandmother of the bride?!! this burns me up.
i know i will end up doing it, because i’m trying so very hard to let things go. but really, the thought of doing this cheapens the whole idea of giving corsages to honored family memebers for me.
any ideas on how i should deal with this? part of me wants to do it just to please my mom (who i love very much, and i don’t blame her for this mess) but a bigger part of me wishes I didn’t have to deal with this.
i just want to be ok with it.
Post # 3
Your mom has a great sense of humor and is trying to lessen the burden for you – just accept (as if it was your choice) her offer to get her MIL a corsage and call it a day. In the grand scheme of things this will end up being very minor (hopefully).
Post # 4
I would write your mom back and say yes, I’d rather… and leave it at that. Or perhaps ask her why she thinks it’s ok to guilt trip you into doing something when she knows you’d rather… on your wedding day. Tell her her mother-in-law will have to get over it. This is your wedding and you want her participation and support but you call ultimately call the shots. And don;t forget to be open and honest about your feelings without blaming accusing and yelling to get the best overall outcome for every one. This sucks 🙁 Good luck!!!
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2007 - Radisson Hotel
Hehehehe, well, Mr. Kiwi’s grandma isn’t getting a corsage. She’s a grandma only in name, because it was assumed Mr. Kiwi’s dad wasn’t her husband’s son, but someone else’s, so she kind of looks down on Mr. Kiwi’s family like they’re trash- all because of her own actions. Weird and dramay, right?
Anyway, his cousin got married (her other grandson, the one she actually pays attention to), and she was given the whole to-do, the escort down the aisle, the corsages, the portraits. Granted this cousin was treated very well by her. Well, Mr. Kiwi is tired of being treated like the family trash and decided that we’ll invite her but we will not give her any ceremony. Imagine our surprise to see her RSVP with "GRANDMA". Good luck getting anything special out of us, you old hag.
ANYWAY, my crap out of the way: I wouldn’t get her a corsage. That’s ME, though, and I’m a bitch. Has she ever treated you like a granddaughter, (albeit step)? Do you think she deserves it? What’s more important to you, making your mom happy or feeling good about your wedding. I think you’re already going beyond by inviting her, ya know?
Who is paying for the wedding? If it’s you, screw it. 🙂
Post # 5
Sticker her in that feild with the rhinos and the lions…lol.
If I were you (and honestly I’ve found it much eiaiser to give advice then take my own…) I wouldn’t do it. You don’t know her, you dont’ care for her in the "grandmother" sense. I won’t be honoring my step mom’s dad at the wedding, though I’ve known him my whole. I never spent time with him! I doubt he even knows how old my daughter is.
I think your one hell of a gal to consider doing it though!
Why do our weddings always turn into what everyone else wants and we fall short on the dream we had? I’m just totally flabergasted at the whole thing.
Post # 6
I literally just groaned out loud when I finished reading this. There’s something about the "being out of your hands" bit that really chaps my butt. It almost sounds like she’s saying "if you don’t order it, I’ll order it myself." There have been a few times that I have flat out had to tell my mother no during the wedding planning, it sucks – but she’s gotten over it. Maybe you can tell her that you made a compromise by inviting your step-family to begin with, and you are not willing to recognize them as your honored relatives. Then, I would just NOT order a corsage for her. Unless your mother is paying/ordering all the flowers she won’t know, or may not even notice until there’s nothing that she can do about it. Although, I don’t want to create any wedding day drama.
If you are absolutely backed into the corner on this – then order the cheapest "carnation" or whatnot corsage you can and make it completely unlike all the rest of the corsages. Most people will probably think she just pinned it on before she came. I know it may sound petty – but I just cannot understand these mom’s that completely take over. Whose wedding is this anyway!?! They’ve had weddings before, sometimes even two – so you either need to put your foot down and risk hurting your mom (which would only be temporary) or else let her plan the whole thing.
P.S. Good Luck! The hardest part of planning is family. If they would just back off and let us do what we want, I believe we’d be set in line to achieve world peace!!
Post # 7
thanks for all the advice, guys. it’s so nice to know i’m not alone in this sort of chaos!
and i want to add that my mother’s "its out of your hands" statement, while a little nuts, was really more like ‘dont worry about it’ in her bizarre way. …you’d have to know my mother. and she’s not trying to take over, she’s just going overboard when it comes to his family. always trying to make nice with them, when i they just make me uncomfortable.
really i’m not upset with her (except for linking me to these people!) about this, i just want either a graceful way out of this or a way to come to terms with it.
and the carnation idea cracks me up! haha, "she’d look like she pinned it on before she came" 😀
Post # 8
I respect what others are saying about standing your ground and not giving this woman a corsage…. but honestly, no one will notice who’s wearing what corsage, and in the grand scheme of things, if her NOT wearing one could affect your day more than if she were wearing one, I’d just tell your mom that since this is her decision you’d like her to handle it, and just be done with it.
As long as the corsage doesn’t also mean that she’ll be escorted down the aisle, it’s really such a minor thing that no one will notice and I would just try to be at peace with it (and realize that it will probably save your mother some grief from this woman, too).
Post # 9
Ha ha, saradoo, your mom is awesomely funny! That is a great description…lions and rhinos…lava!
Anyway, to the topic at hand: I’m with MissBlushing. Yeah, it’d be nice to stand your ground, but some battles are worth it, and some aren’t. No one will notice the…[insert fave descrip here]…and they’ll all be paying attention to you. Let your mom handle the entire thing, down to pinning the thing on the hateful woman (or let her son do it). Then *you* aren’t giving her the honor, but your mom can have peace of mind that she did her part to make her MIL feel special. I would specify to your mom that the corsage be different (and, yeah, not as nice!) as the ones you are giving out specially. Maybe you could plan some time to have the special people come and see you beforehand so you can give them their corsages and tell them how special they are.
Post # 10
i agree with saradoo and pricesskittyHI… your mom is probably saving you a world more trouble if you didn’t get the corsage. but by no means does it have to be an elaborate one. good luck!
Post # 11
Okay, honestly, I didn’t read over every response. I don’t have time but I wanted to see if I could help.
I feel the same way about my own dad’s side. I am going to order the proper coursages but they will be much smaller and look a little different. Even though I am all about standing my ground, I also know when not to make a scene. I can, however, affect how everything looks. Wouldn’t it tell you something if most of the women had large coursages and one of them had one the size of a boutenierre?
Post # 12
Gee whiz, I know how you feel…a bit, I guess.
My fiance’s grandmother (the only one who is attending, the other one’s health is too bad) hates us. She talks so terrible about me behind my back, and is so mean to my fiance’s mom (her own daughter). I’m not saying just kind of snarky, I’m talking full-blown mean here – says she will crack her daughter over the head, tells her she is fat, and when she had surgery earlier this year, told her she wouldn’t be surprised if she died on the operating table because she was so fat. A few years back, they had to bail her out of debt, and in return, the house was put in my fiance’s dad and mom’s name, otherwise, bill collectors were going to take it. Well, anyway, since then, they’ve all had to move in together, and its gotten worse. To make a long story short, she’s a b**** and while I don’t mind inviting her (afterall, no matter how rude she is, she is his grandmother!), there is a part of me that thinks it DOES cheapen the whole thing – having her walk down the aisle, etc., etc.
However, if I were you, I would probably just let it go. I’m not too thrilled about my step-dad coming to the wedding (and NO one knows this, it is a secret, my Mom doesn’t even know), but there’s not much I can do about it without causing the biggest blow-up of my life.
Post # 13
You’re Mom sounds very fun and thoughtful. Would she be caused stress by you saying no to the corsage? I kind of agree with MissBlushing and princesskitty in the concept of protecting your Mom from any in-law drama and stress.
Post # 14
You make me feel like a bad person for not inviting my step dad’s mom to my wedding. She is just macabre and I refused. I don’t even think her son (my step-dad wants her around) but then again my wedding is in another country so it doesn’t seem as bad as it is.
Just remember if you do decide to get her the (less nice) corsage you will seem like the bigger person. Good luck!
Post # 15
I agree with MissBlushing and others who’ve said to just let it go and get her the corsage. I fully understand your feelings and where you’re coming from, but at the end of the day, it’s just a flower. You need to pick your battles and at least from where I sit, this really doesn’t look like it’s worth fighting over. It’s a frustrating thing, but you probably won’t even notice or think about it on your wedding day. And I bet nobody else will notice either, they’ll be too busy looking at you.
Pinky on the other hand I think fighting over whether or not to invite someone to the event is a bigger issue than whether or not to give them a flower!