Alcohol problem or just a normal behavior?

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
7404 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Nobody should diagnose something as serious as an anger problem or alcholism on only one side of the story. I would sugget going to a counsellor and discussing the problems in your marriage. There are a few things that seem inappropriate on both sides from your posts. But remember that counselling only works if both of you are honest and being honest means airing the dirty laundry and not just saying what you think your partner wants to hear (which it seems like your husband might do).

If you ever feel unsafe in a situation then you should leave immediately. 

Post # 3
Member
4817 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

+1 on the therapy. Here is a link to the DSM criteria for alcoholism, but only a licensed professional in a therapeutic setting can make an official diagnosis.

This one’s a little outdated, but gives the key points. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK44358/

Post # 5
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

People handle their booze differently. It seems to make him an unpleasant person *some* of the time (considering how often I remember you saying he went out to drink), probably when he’s had the most to drink. Have you addressed this with him? 

I personally am fine with the fact that maybe twice a year, when SO drinks heavily, he may instigate a fight. He’s had a blast the rest of the evening and I know the next day he’ll be back to normal. Do you have this reassurance?

Nothing is okay unless you are okay with it, though.

Post # 6
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

ChristineJp:  None of that behavior is normal or acceptable. An ultimatum of sobriety would be in order for my marriage. 

Post # 7
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

ChristineJp:  Yeah I think you guys need some counseling. Like others said, it’s impossible for us to diagnose over the internet. My SO is a recovering alcoholic (sober almost 4 years, but he drank when we met/were first together).

It sounds like you both have some issues, and it sounds like you have wildly different ideas about what is acceptable/appropriate/expected in a marriage. I notice you asked if you behave in a way that makes him act like that. First rule of alcoholism (if he is actually an alcoholic), is that no one but the alcoholic is responsible for his/her drinking. You can’t make them stop and it isn’t your fault they started.

I just notice from both of your posts that you seem to have pretty…I don’t know how to say it politely, tight reins on him? And by contrast he seems fairly immature and resentful of your control if that makes sense? My SO and I are definitely more independent than you and your guy and the level of control you require would definitely not work for me/us. BUT, he married you knowing that. I think that your expectations are fine IF you’re both on the same page, but you don’t seem to be. 

Best of luck, I hope you can work through everything. 

Post # 8
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

ChristineJp:  I disagree that it’s impossible to diagnose by what you’ve described. 

Yes, to me, it sounds like he has issues with alcohol, over-drinking and lashing out at you when he does. Bring this up with him when he is 100 percent sober.

Post # 9
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

swonderful:  She has reigns on him because she wants to go home after partying all day long?

Note, I did not read the other thread. Going there, now..

Post # 10
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

ChristineJp:  I’m in recovery, so I know lots of people with lots of stories.  The simplest definition I’ve heard for alcoholism is that once you start, you can’t stop, and you can’t stay stopped. 

That being said, whether he’s an alcoholic or not, he clearly has a problem with alcohol if he has anger problems, is verbally abusive to you and it’s negatively affecting your marriage.  The catch-22 is that he probably won’t want to stop, and as pp said, you can’t make him.  If he doesn’t and it continues to be a problem for you (even if it’s not on a regular basis), regardless of his “label”, you might want to check out Al-Anon.

Post # 11
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

GreenBayBee:  Yikes, didn’t mean to start a fire so I’ll try and cut this off at the pass. I just meant the nature of him constantly asking permission, her cataloging his every error/mistake, having limited social life, no to a friend staying over, etc. I also mentioned his immaturity, I absolutely do not think this is all her fault AT ALL, but these things can often become cycles that feed off each other. Like maybe he drinks too much, she gets controlling, he gets resentful, she gets upset, etc. I also think it’s unreasonable that he won’t just go out with her if he wants to socialize, but if he feels under scrutiy I can see why. I just think there’s two sides to every story, but I absolutely did not mean offense to OP. I know how difficult alcoholism issues are, and I think many people react to alcoholic partners/family members by becoming controlling in the hopes that they can help alter the behavior. 

Post # 12
Member
4805 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

ChristineJp:  I wouldn’t be okay with this behavior, personally. Good for you for seeing a counselor.

Post # 14
Member
2151 posts
Buzzing bee

GreenBayBee:  Haha, I’ve spent too much time on reddit- now I’m phobic about starting a crazy online fight! 😉 

Post # 15
Member
527 posts
Busy bee

swonderful:  Lol! I like to debate, not fight. Unless the other person is a wack job, then you just ignore or block. I love the block button if there is one.

Sorry, OP, didn’t mean to threadjack.

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