Weddingbee boards

My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married since just a few months into our relationship. We knew pretty early on that we wanted to get married down the road - once we were out of university and had our finances in order.

We've now been together for nearly three and a half years, and have never stopped talking about the future. He's never shown himself to be a commitment phobe and is more than happy to talk about anything concerning our future - just not our engagement.

We can talk about the wedding - we've already discussed photographers, ceremony and reception venues, the bridal party, catering, flowers, colours - you name it, we've probably discussed it several times. We can talk about finances - we've got a joint savings account, a hypothetical retirement plan, and consult each other before making major purchases. We can talk about how we'd like to raise our children - discipline styles, baby names, breastfeeding, etc.

But if I try to put out feelers as to when we'll be getting engaged, he feels like he's being pressured.

I guess what bugs me is that I know it's going to be coming eventually, but we've already planned so much of our future that I find it irritating that I don't know a thing about when, exactly, this "future" will be starting. For example, tonight he was telling me that in his mind our money is already "the same" - his money is mine and vice versa since it's all going to be merged when we get married. That should give me warm fuzzies, right? Well after years of "talking about it," I just find it frustrating.

Are any of my fellow ladies-in-waiting dealing with this issue - a man who eagerly talks about the future but clams up when you try to fish for engagement details? Does anyone have any advice as to how I can deal with my frustration without driving him crazy?

I have yet to prove the success of my 'method' (/nice side benefit of our beliefs :P), but I think because we won't sleep or live together before marrying might be helping things along for us. Will either be able to affirm this in a few months, or join you in frustration! Haha.

@Bennie: We've discussed it and his argument is that talking about the engagement feels like pressure to him because he wants it to be a surprise - he says it's the one thing that about planning a wedding that he gets to do all on his own, so he wants the timing, etc. to be entirely up to him. A couple of weeks ago we had an in-depth discussion about it and I asked him point-blank if he had started to think about his proposal yet or buying a ring, and he said no. But then he saw the devastated look on my face and said that it wouldn't take long to plan, so I didn't need to worry. We're currently in a LDR because I had to move away for a 16 month internship. Before I moved, I told him I didn't want to be engaged until after we move back in together (which is happening in a few weeks after my work contract expires), so I guess I was just hoping that we'd be getting engaged *right* after I move back in. But I guess I'll have to be more patient than that! Taking your advice though, I think I will be direct with my questioning.

@FutureMrsTafur: Thanks for the support! I don't have any advice, other than to just try to focus on the fact that he's already bought the ring - you know it's coming. It's just a matter of time. I know that's easier said than done, but he's already taken that important step.

@MissVelveteen: It's an interesting theory! Let me know if it works for you. We lived together for a year and as I mentioned, will be moving back in together soon (as soon as this blasted long distance thing ends). So I guess that ship has sailed for me. Luckily I don't think my boyfriend's the type to prove that stereotype of "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

teaparty- I feel your pain!  OMG do I feel your pain.  We are a few days shy from our 4 yr anniversary and 2 years ago he told me he wanted to marry me.  Like seriously told me he wanted to marry me, so romantic and sweet it was all planned out like a proposal without a ring.  Since then we've moved in together but that was now 2 years ago and nothing is happening.  We talk about the future as well and plan it out, talk about weddings, how he'd like to get married at x place, or have x kind of food, etc.  I say that's all fine but we arent even engaged yet and I want to start my future with you then he comes back with the 'why cant we start out future now' question which drives me up the wall.

I think he is just now starting to save for a ring... at this point we will be at out 5 or 6 yr annoversary until I get it, I never in a million years thought it would take this long to get enaged.  Doesnt he know I have zero patience, its killing me!  I try not to talk about it with him and mind my business but it doesnt help anything. 

Thank you all for posting. I'm sorry that you're in the same position as me, but selfishly, it does help to know that there are people out there going through what I am - all this waiting and wondering.

I'm feeling a lot better now as I did talk to my boyfriend about it. Previously, we had agreed we'd like to get married next fall. However, I was getting the impression that he had changed his mind and wanted to get married later, since he was showing zero signs of planning to propose to me any time soon. Well, I did bring up the subject and I told him that I feel frustrated because I feel like this future we always talk about is way too hypothetical for my liking. I'm a planner by nature, and while I don't care to know when he's going to propose, I would like some kind of general timeline for when we'll be getting married.

He had no clue why I thought our original desired timeline was no longer in place - apparently he's still hoping we'll be married in the fall of 2010.

So I guess the moral of this particular story is that I'm a big emotional baby who worries too much (my words, not my boyfriend's)! Something about waiting makes me crazy.

@teaparty - oops! I guess that doesn't make Mr V sound very good - another aspect is that we did start our relationship with the explicit intention of it being something serious and potentially going in this very direction.

Sounds like a (mentally/emotionally) challenging time though. Hang in there! Am beaming calming thoughts your way ;)

@ilovenyc: Hmm, I think I have to disagree with you on one point. Since my guy and I discuss marriage frequently and have agreed that we will be getting married in the future, I don't think it's unfair to know what the general timeline for this is. Since it affects my life too, that's a decision that I think we should make together (and we have). That's just my opinion; different things work for different people.

@MissSheva: I think you have hit the nail on the head, completely. It's the loss of control that bothers me. I wish it was easier to let go of that side of me in this case!

@Miss Velveteen: Oh, I'm so sorry! I totally didn't mean to imply anything bad about your boyfriend, or that he would be the type to reinforce that stereotype. I didn't get that impression at all. And thank you for your calming thoughts; I totally need them.