Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been talking about getting married since just a few months into our relationship. We knew pretty early on that we wanted to get married down the road – once we were out of university and had our finances in order.
We’ve now been together for nearly three and a half years, and have never stopped talking about the future. He’s never shown himself to be a commitment phobe and is more than happy to talk about anything concerning our future – just not our engagement.
We can talk about the wedding – we’ve already discussed photographers, ceremony and reception venues, the bridal party, catering, flowers, colours – you name it, we’ve probably discussed it several times. We can talk about finances – we’ve got a joint savings account, a hypothetical retirement plan, and consult each other before making major purchases. We can talk about how we’d like to raise our children – discipline styles, baby names, breastfeeding, etc.
But if I try to put out feelers as to when we’ll be getting engaged, he feels like he’s being pressured.
I guess what bugs me is that I know it’s going to be coming eventually, but we’ve already planned so much of our future that I find it irritating that I don’t know a thing about when, exactly, this “future” will be starting. For example, tonight he was telling me that in his mind our money is already “the same” – his money is mine and vice versa since it’s all going to be merged when we get married. That should give me warm fuzzies, right? Well after years of “talking about it,” I just find it frustrating.
Are any of my fellow ladies-in-waiting dealing with this issue – a man who eagerly talks about the future but clams up when you try to fish for engagement details? Does anyone have any advice as to how I can deal with my frustration without driving him crazy?
Post # 3
i hear ya, sister! i’m in a similar situation regarding the fairly regular talks about the future and all that.. but no idea on timeline. i can emphasize with your frustration!!
since i’m living it.. not sure how much advice i can give .. but perhaps just asking him straight up why he can talk about the future no problem but not the specific engagement is a start. he must have an answer to that.. since it’s clearly not commitment-phobia (yay!! positive note: all those things he says are great!). maybe he wants to save up for a nice ring? something like that? all i can think to do is talk it out.. which it sounds like you are doing.. but eventually he must explain himself right?
good luck girl, keep us posted 🙂
Post # 4
I HEAR YOU TOO LOL! I love my bf to death. He is sooo wonderful…but lord have mercy when is his big day coming?????
I am a senior in college, premed, bio/psych major…almost done yay! My bf is post grad Business degree recently just joined the navy to become an officer. We have a 2 year old and have been living with his parents for the past 2 and a half years. My parents live 10 minutes away ( both had retired military fathers so we met in a military town) and everyone is so close. I have lived with his family, he with mine at times, we have lived together, have a child, talked about a wedding forever, and all his family already calls me his wife/ their daughter in law!
At first I really pressured the wedding and engagement. I could tell he was very pressured and am grateful three years later that I let our love grow. We now appreciate each other sooo much more and realize that if we got married young before it would have been a mess. We are NOW even still young, 21 and 23.
Yet since now that he is in the navy the pressure is on even more. We are more than ready but the Navy is pushing things forward a bit in terms of benefits and moving being married is a must!
So I know the engagement is coming and he even told me he found a ring! I snooped and saw the arrangements on his email! I know how horrible of me! I couldn’t wait!!!! He was really upset and is now over it but I had to tell him. I am now trying to patiently wait but it is SOOOOO hard!!! I know I am making it unromantic and could ruin it but I just want it already lol! I’m tired of being the gf or baby mama when I do so much more and play the wife role already!!!
I totally feel you on this situation and I agree to just talk to him. He like my bf is just nervous to make the final plunge. When I would ask my bf he would say that he wants it to be perfect and doesn’t want anything to be wrong so thats why he is waiting for the right time. But i know he is scared to just JUMP already lol. Don’t worry he loves you its just the final jump he is afraid of. My bf was afraid I would change after I had him finally in my grasp lol. Just assure your bf that you are the best he could ever have and get him excited to grow old together….he will not be looking back! good luck!
ps any advice to help with my patience? I know he is planning to do it soon….even this weekend lol but our friends just got engaged so all the light is on them now…sooo i think he is waiting even longer now…ugh!
HELP! I know that I just need to be patient and pushing it will ruin it…so i need some kind of advice
Post # 5
I have yet to prove the success of my ‘method’ (/nice side benefit of our beliefs :P), but I think because we won’t sleep or live together before marrying might be helping things along for us. Will either be able to affirm this in a few months, or join you in frustration! Haha.
Post # 6
Miss Velveteen. when my then Boyfriend or Best Friend tried to give me keys to his house i said not without the rings… and i got my e-ring soon after! although i would spend weekends at his place i refused to move in until after we were married
the ladies that have to wait – i dont know how you do it because im sure as heck not that patient and would be driivng myself crazy! my hats off to you ladies
Post # 7
@Bennie: We’ve discussed it and his argument is that talking about the engagement feels like pressure to him because he wants it to be a surprise – he says it’s the one thing that about planning a wedding that he gets to do all on his own, so he wants the timing, etc. to be entirely up to him. A couple of weeks ago we had an in-depth discussion about it and I asked him point-blank if he had started to think about his proposal yet or buying a ring, and he said no. But then he saw the devastated look on my face and said that it wouldn’t take long to plan, so I didn’t need to worry. We’re currently in a LDR because I had to move away for a 16 month internship. Before I moved, I told him I didn’t want to be engaged until after we move back in together (which is happening in a few weeks after my work contract expires), so I guess I was just hoping that we’d be getting engaged *right* after I move back in. But I guess I’ll have to be more patient than that! Taking your advice though, I think I will be direct with my questioning.
@FutureMrsTafur: Thanks for the support! I don’t have any advice, other than to just try to focus on the fact that he’s already bought the ring – you know it’s coming. It’s just a matter of time. I know that’s easier said than done, but he’s already taken that important step.
@MissVelveteen: It’s an interesting theory! Let me know if it works for you. We lived together for a year and as I mentioned, will be moving back in together soon (as soon as this blasted long distance thing ends). So I guess that ship has sailed for me. Luckily I don’t think my boyfriend’s the type to prove that stereotype of “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
Post # 8
teaparty- I feel your pain! OMG do I feel your pain. We are a few days shy from our 4 yr anniversary and 2 years ago he told me he wanted to marry me. Like seriously told me he wanted to marry me, so romantic and sweet it was all planned out like a proposal without a ring. Since then we’ve moved in together but that was now 2 years ago and nothing is happening. We talk about the future as well and plan it out, talk about weddings, how he’d like to get married at x place, or have x kind of food, etc. I say that’s all fine but we arent even engaged yet and I want to start my future with you then he comes back with the ‘why cant we start out future now’ question which drives me up the wall.
I think he is just now starting to save for a ring… at this point we will be at out 5 or 6 yr annoversary until I get it, I never in a million years thought it would take this long to get enaged. Doesnt he know I have zero patience, its killing me! I try not to talk about it with him and mind my business but it doesnt help anything.
Post # 9
I just wanted to share – my boyfriend and I were approaching the 3 year mark this past June. Starting in about January of this year, I would ask every now and again about ‘the future’. We’d talked in very generic terms before about getting married and we had moved in together the previous summer, so I knew it was on his radar. But I started getting antsy.
The VERY few times I actually brought this up, he got angry and accused me of pressuring him. BELIEVE me, it was not pressure and in fact, I was shocked he got upset because I before that time had never asked about ‘us’ and ‘marriage’ in any way.
I found out later that he had been thinking/saving/planning all along and was annoyed with my asking because he didn’t want me to ruin the surprise and also, was offended that I didn’t ‘know’ or ‘trust him’ enough to know just because he didn’t lay it all out on the table in some predictable timeline didn’t mean he didn’t think about it too.
We got engaged this past May. He actually had hoped/planned to do it sooner, but I had some health problems and surgery in March so he wanted to wait until I was feeling better.
I am not saying NEVER ask, but you never know what he is thinking. It sounds like you’re in a healthy committed relationship and to me, his annoyance comes off as a sign he’s probably getting ready to ask you soon – just be patient and enjoy this time of excited anticipation!
Post # 10
teaparty, yes. i totally feel you. though our situtation is a little different.
the boy and i knew this was it a couple months in but due to our long distance relationship and then a few family health-related issues, we haven’t been able to get any traction on figuring out who was moving where. 4 years later and well, we just finally figured it out. so waiting has been insanely hard on the both of us, especially knowing that if we were in the same location from the start we would have probably been married for a couple years now! we talk about our future a lot, he knows i’ve been researching [he’s long since given me his blessing, so to speak] and even set up my planning blog and we even went shopping for rings last winter. so it’s in the works. just got to fit that last major piece in which leaves us at the mercy of various hr departments here in cali [where the job market is slightly better than michigan’s].
i don’t fish for details since we know the score [can’t do anything until we’re both local] but i know he’s already feeling the pressure to get me a nice ring and even with my assurances that i’ll love whatever he gets me, he’s still caught up on that. sigh.
and so we wait.
how do i deal? well, i was actually fine until a friend, who was also in an ldr, got married. i nearly cried at the wedding. soooooo the past couple of months has NOT been good to me. lol. but i’m back on the ball with our talks of relocation so hopefully that will be the worse it gets. good luck!
Post # 11
Oh I am TOTALLY along side with everybody here! But I might be a little farther along so I feel your pain!
Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been together for almost 6 years and have been talking marriage for the whole time. We were young so in the beginning we both knew it would be in the future! About 2 and half years ago I KNEW he was the one and that I was ready and then of course I wanted it NOW! But it took him a bit longer to get there! Whenever I talked about the engagement he would say I was pressuring him and that he had to do this on HIS own timetable. Upsetting but fine I love him so I will wait for him!
About a year ago something changed in him and he was finally ready to take it a bit more seriously and so he started saving (I know this because we have a house together and have shared finances) So now I am still waiting but it is different know because I know the ring is purchased and I think it is getting sized right now (I always told him it had to be my size when I got it so that I don’t have to give it back haha) and he has the proposal “day” planned but I just don’t know when!!!!!
So I guess what I am trying to say is that maybe he wants to make sure he is ready too before he gets deeper into this! It is statistically known that women are ready for marriage before men and so try not to push him – he knows that he wants to be with YOU – he knows that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you he is just preparing himself for marriage!
As far as making the waiting easier there is nothing I can say about that – It is hard and it sucks – I was OK for most of the wait but now that it is so close and imminent I am so crazy and moody and going nuts psyching myself up and then getting disapointed!
But I am sure that it will be worth it for all of us in the end!
Post # 12
Thank you all for posting. I’m sorry that you’re in the same position as me, but selfishly, it does help to know that there are people out there going through what I am – all this waiting and wondering.
I’m feeling a lot better now as I did talk to my boyfriend about it. Previously, we had agreed we’d like to get married next fall. However, I was getting the impression that he had changed his mind and wanted to get married later, since he was showing zero signs of planning to propose to me any time soon. Well, I did bring up the subject and I told him that I feel frustrated because I feel like this future we always talk about is way too hypothetical for my liking. I’m a planner by nature, and while I don’t care to know when he’s going to propose, I would like some kind of general timeline for when we’ll be getting married.
He had no clue why I thought our original desired timeline was no longer in place – apparently he’s still hoping we’ll be married in the fall of 2010.
So I guess the moral of this particular story is that I’m a big emotional baby who worries too much (my words, not my boyfriend’s)! Something about waiting makes me crazy.
Post # 13
haha teaparty, you’re not a big emotional baby who worries too much. i’m a planner by nature as well, and well, sometimes you just have to know. but i’m glad you were able to talk to your boyfriend about it.
we’ve all been there so don’t worry about being alone. please keep us updated!
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I was INSANE while I was waiting. We talked about children, we talked about marriage, we talked about the wedding and the engagement… hell, we even had a timeline for when he might propose (it was supposed to be this summer). But I still couldn’t wait. I insisted that it not be a surprise, too… so he let me pick out my ring this past September (nine months early!) and bought it that day. So our engagement story isn’t super romantic, but it completely matches my super-uptight nature and his laid-back one. 😉
Post # 15
@teaparty: it sounds like we’re dating the same guy!!!
@cakey110: great advice i’ll try to take it lol!!
Post # 16
At least some of y’all have a timeline.LOL. ALL I have is that we ARE getting married and he wants to start a family soon.lol