Post # 1
Okay, I don’t even know what to do about this… FI and I have fought literally every night this week about wedding stuff. I don’t understand how it escalates to an argument every single time. He is changing his mind every time we talk and I’m trying very hard to be okay with the changes but changing the guest list from 50 to 150 is not okay.
Instead of telling me what 100 extra people he wants to invite (so far 4 people on the guest list are ‘my’ guests) he got all mad and huffy and left the room. I keep telling him that we need to get on the same page and really talk about what each of us wants/expects. I want to elope. That isn’t happening. Instead we’re marrying in his hometown, in his church, in his faith, in his father’s Elks club, surround by 46 of his family/friends and a whopping 4 of mine. My family is being hurtful about the wedding being in his hometown, which further complicates it all. But that doesn’t give him license to triple the wedding size and fill it with people he hasn’t seen or spoken to in at least 20 years.
I’m trying very hard to compromise but at this point, I feel like I’m just footing the bill for his family to have a kickass party.
Bees, how did you get your guys to open up? Please please someone tell me I’m not alone with all this fighting. I don’t understand how we’re supposed to get married if we’re going to spend the next year fighting… Please help.
Post # 3
@youhavemyheart: Aww you poor thing. Well, my fiance and I have had our fair share of fights, but mostly he’s been very cool and relaxed about everything. The guest list is a big issue. I do think yours is being a little unreasonable with you only have 4 guests? That’s just a little unfair. I hate to say this, but there may be a bigger issue than just the guest list with you guys. We have been through marriage counseling with my church and it really helped. One thing our priest said was get to the root of the problem. Do you all live together? Is it money issues? How long have ya’ll been together….are you jumping into to this too quickly? I hate to say this and be the bearer of bad news, but you are not going to start a happy life together if you are fighting this much and building up this much resentment. I will give you a perfect example. A close friend of mine, they were constantly fighting before wedding. About EVERYTHING. Well, now they’re in the middle of the divorce. They both just thought their problems would dissappear when they got married, but they really blew up and sh*t hit the fan. All I’m trying to say is just get these issues worked out before your married. It sounds like your FI is a bit self centered and it has to be all about him..i.e. – church, home town, his faith, etc. Did he even ask you? Did he even care what you may want? Just get to the bottom of these things. You think it’s bad now, wait till kids, he gets a new job and wants to move suddenly….these are real life issues. Definitely try counseling at his church (since he really seems to be into his religion, I’m sure they do some kind of pre-marriage counseling) Good luck hun.
Post # 4
I guess i’m lucky in that me and my FI haven’t fought about anything. We live in Florida (and so does his family) and we are getting married in Maryland where i grew up. He’s ok with this because he doesn’t get along great with his family anyway and not one of them are coming to the wedding. Luckily, he’s not too picky and we’re on the same page about everything pretty much. Wishing you good luck.
Post # 5
It sounds like your FI really wants the big, traditional wedding, and may possibly be resentful and hurt that you don’t want one too. I can see where he’s coming from; despite the expense, I always wanted a big, elegant wedding, where all of my friends and family could come and celebrate with me. Even if he hasn’t seen some of them in 20 years, weddings are exactly the kind of event for people to reconnect at.
As far as possible resentment goes, I can also see where he’s coming from– if my husband had suggested we elope or complained about the cost of my invites, I would have translated that in my head to “He doesn’t think our wedding is important enough to share it with the world/spend a little money!” Totally rational, I know, lol. I’m not saying this is how your fiance feels, but it might explain why he gets upset over the issue.
To give you any further advice, though, I think I would need to know a little bit more about where you’re coming from. Why is eloping important to you? Are you guys paying for the wedding yourselves?
Post # 6
@youhavemyheart: It’s difficult, and I’m sorry you are dealing with this. My FI and I decided from the very beginning as to what he wanted to be involved in, what were mustss for him and I and most importantly our BUDGET!!! I think he may be getting pressure from his family to invite these people you say he hasn’t seen in 20 years and doesn’t know how to say no and instead is letting it out on you. You need to have a real sit down and write down what YOU guys want and back eachother up. Maybe if you just say ” I feel like we are envisioning really different types of weddings, I would like us to sit and talk about all the details of the wedding so we can decide how it’s going to look and make a ddecision on the budget.” For me, my budget was my guideline for decision making, If I couldn’t do it, then we talked about what else would be ok with us both. Suprisingly enough, my FI, who only wanted to set the budget, choose venue, menu and time has been part of everything, even color of flowers and girls dresses.
You have alot of time, but it can be very stress inducing to think of the amount of money the 2 of you will have to come up with in the next 11 months. Try to set a quiet evening for you both, no wedding talk…then maybe address it tomorrow, and tell him it can happen when he is ready, it’s not to argue but rather express what each of you see 9/24/11 looking like and how you will deal with the issues both families will bring along the way.
Good luck, wedding planning is one of the first and biggest decisions you will make as a couple, and it can be scary.
Post # 7
I’m also inclined to think that he’s getting family pressure to add onto the guest list. All of the concessions you’ve made so far should be more than enough. Planning a wedding is hugely stressful, but marriage is all about compromise (and honestly, marriage is what it’s all about – not a kick-ass party/wedding).
My FI and I have had a couple of fights while planning the wedding, but never multiple ones in a row. I think you need to sit him down and make it clear that you’re on the same team here. One way we’ve avoided a LOT of fights is to discuss everything with each other before opening it up to family input.
My FMIL wants to invite people who my FI hasn’t seen in 20 years. And I’m lucky that he’s handled it this way- she constantly asks to add people to “her” list, and he tells her that A. it’s our list, not hers and B. she can add whoever she wants, with the understanding that he will cut whoever he needs to so that we come in at our budget.
Your FI is being ridiculous, in my opinion. He needs to compromise with you.
EDIT: I’m so sorry you’re going through this, too Fighting stinks. I hope you and he work things out.
Post # 8
Thanks everyone. It really helps to know that my relationship is not in the toilet, that arguments during wedding planning are sort of normal. We’ve just never really had many arguments. I mean, we definitely disagree but we rarely let our tempers flare to the point of seriously arguing. I would honestly categorize most of our fights (prior to wedding planning) as ‘heated discussions’. I’m trying very hard to come up with compromises but it seems like one step forward ends up being two steps back.
I don’t know that he’s getting family pressure, from what I know, he really hasn’t talked to anyone from his family lately (other than razzing on his cousin about the Bills losing every game thus far this season). Talking to my mom (lol I think she deserves the title therapist too!) about it, she seems to think he really wants to show off to his family how wonderful of a man he has grown up to be.
Background… he left at 23 or so and never looked back, graduated college and got a great career started. Every time we visit his family, he wines and dines them, picking up the check, buying presents, etc. So it makes sense that the more he thinks about it, the more lavish and large he wants it to be. He’s very (and I mean this in the nicest possible way) into his image. I mean, we drive a new car, have a large home, and my wedding set is 3.5 cts. He’s very generous and very proud that he has succeeded (his siblings work in fast food and have since high school, they’re all in their 30s).
We’ve been together more than 2 years and have lived together over a year. We aren’t rushing into it, we’ll have been together 3 years by the time we get married. I think that we both really have different ideas about what a wedding fundamentally is. I think it’s a celebration of our love and our relationship, he thinks it’s a celebration to be shared with family, friends, neighbors, etc. I’m very very very budget-conscious (by career I am a budget manager, no joke), whereas he feels this is an occasion to splurge.
I’m hoping to get the lines of communication open… Send some positive vibes bees 🙂
Post # 9
My FI will only have 7 family members out of our guest list of ~85. There are many more friends/family on my side that I could invite, but choose not to because I do not want to overwhelm his side of the wedding any more than it already is. He is perfectly fine with how our guest list is right now.
Your FI should have more compassion towards your half of the wedding and take steps not to completely dilute their presence. There is some compromise that I feel should happen on his part in this situation. Good luck, girly!
Post # 10
The background you gave makes alot of sense. Maybe if you sit down and really discuss what matters to you both, he can see that he can still “show off” (not meant negatively) with a smaller, classy wedding. Besides, it’s 5 hours of your lives, and the most important part is when you vow to be together before god and others forever!
A suggestion I saw done by a colleague: She came from a small town where everyone knew eachother. Very hard to have a wedding that if everyone wasn’t invited, people would take offense. Her solution was everyone was invited to church, immediately following was cake and champagne, about and hour or so, then a small full reception for close friends and family only. It worked great for her!! She got a chance to have those who saw her grow up be at the wedding, again the important part, and then her dream reception followed later. Many churches have a room that will accomodate cake-hours’dourves-champagne immediately following the ceremony.
Might be a great way to make everyone happy! Good luck…positive vibes your way.