Post # 1
I know I’ve been MIA, but we’re dealing with quite a bit of drama around the house, (thankfully not ours though!)
One of my friends has to move out of her home tomorrow, since her live in boyfriend went ape and punched her repeatedly in the face. He has refused to let us in to help her get her things, and I refuse to let her in there alone.
I know you can ask for police presence, but has anyone done this? Do you just call up the local police department, and request that they be there at a certain time? I have no idea how this works.
Also, she doesn’t want to report it. Would you report it anyway, or just get the police, and get in, get out?
Looking for some direction here, please.
Post # 3
You should be able to call up your local police department and explain (or have your friend explain) that she needs to get into her home and collect her belongings, but she does not feel safe doing so with her boyfriend there. There’s no need to report the past abuse since the police were not called immediately after the original incident; she can just explain that past behavior has led her to believe that there could be a confrontation if she shows up alone or with friends. They should have no problem meeting her at the house and giving her 30 minutes or so to get her things while keeping an eye on her boyfriend and/or arresting him if he gets disorderly. Good luck to your friend.
Post # 4
From what I’ve heard, the cops can’t really do anything about it if there’s no proof? So you could report it, but unless they arrive and he’s punching her or she has fresh bruises I’m not sure what they’ll do.
About the police presence, just call and explain the situation to them, and they’ll be able to help. I hope things work out!
Post # 5
@Quietserenity: I don’t have any experience in this matter, so I can’t add to the conversation really, but I just wanted to say that you are such a great friend! You’re doing such a wonderful thing caring and looking out for her!
Post # 6
I would suggest calling your (or hers, if different jurisdictions) local police department and ask – call the non-emergency number, of course.
I’ve worked and volunteered in several different capacities with domestic violence victims and it was pretty standard for women to have police escorts to retrieve their belongings, but most had (at least) a temporary restraining order in place against their partner/ex partner, if not ongoing criminal proceedings. I’m sure your/her local police can tell you their rules for arranging escorts.
Good luck to you and your friend – I don’t know how long ago the assault happened, but there is often a “honeymoon period” at some point after assaults – (I know you will) but make sure you’re there for your friend, so she doesn’t go back when he shows up with flowers and apologies and promises to never do it again.
Post # 7
I would call the police and ask for an escort because it’s a safety issue–for you, her, AND him (because he could also try and hurt HIMSELF). Never done it before, but call your local precinct–you can’t be the first person who’s requested assistance like this. If they don’t do it, I’m sure they can give you resources of other entities who can provide security. But I stress–I wouldn’t go over there and do it myself. Not to scare you too much or be *too* dramatic, but a girl from my college was killed because her roommate’s boyfriend came looking for her and when she she told him the roommate wasn’t there (she wasn’t) he forced his way in and stabbed her. Irrational people are…irrational and they typically don’t deal with change and stress very well, such as someone moving out.
It’s possible that in certain jurisdictions, police may be compelled to report domestic abuse if there’s clear evidence of it, but by “clear evidence,” I think that it means they’re there to witness it or it’s just cause to enter a private home. If your friend doesn’t want to report a past event, I don’t think she has to. I would not report the event on your friend’s behalf. I would give her tons and tons of support, encourage her to do it, and be specific (ie, “I can go with you right now to the 43rd precinct which is on Elm and Maple, or we can go Tuesday after you’re from work” rather than, “I’ll help you go sometime”) about how you’re going to help her.
I’m sorry for you and your friend. Good luck.
Post # 8
@gabrielleelise1981: I’ve lived through domestic violence myself, so I was all on top of it. She’s aimless right now, which I understand. She keeps texting me and saying “what do I do next?”
He’s so classic textbook abuser, I told her not to tell him the new address she was moving to, and when she wouldn’t tell him (she’s been staying elsewhere, she hasn’t been there since it happened) he flipped on her and accused her of cheating, and flat out said that she must have been out of the relationship before he even hit her.
Which, in a funny kind of way, was almost verbatim what I’d told her he’d say.
He just keeps insisting that she meet him alone, and I just feel like it’s a bad, bad idea. So police presence it is. Makes me feel safer too–he’s like 6 foot a thousand, and I wasn’t looking forward to a confrontation, which I’m expecting.
Post # 9
Most communities have some type of domestic violence facilities. The people who work there are experts at dealing with the legal & law enforcement aspects of abuse as well as the emotional & financial. I’d encourage your friend to get their assistance.
Post # 10
I have had to do this with a family member. We just went to the local police station and explained the situation (it wasn’t physical abuse…just crazy in-laws) and the sheriff actually came with us and allowed us to get her belongings. The other person does have the right to be there when you both go to make sure that your friend isn’t taking anything that doesn’t belong to her. It goes pretty smoothly, as long as neither party acts up.
Post # 11
She needs to get an EPO from the local sheriff’s department, then ask for a “civil standby.” PM me if you need more details.
Post # 12
@JamaicaBride: Oh, I understand he has the right to be there–it would be more comfortable if he weren’t, but I never disagreed with that. It’s him saying:
“You need to just leave your friends out of it and come to the house so we can be alone” that gave me chills.
My husband is coming too, (he said he wouldn’t dream of me going alone) so I guess we’ll all just wait outside, and let the police do their thing.
Thank you guys, it’s an awful, awful thing for her, and we’re just trying to make this as quick and seamless as possible.
Post # 13
@Quietserenity: Sorry to hear that you’ve had to deal with violence yourself, but so glad to hear that you are able to use the negative experience to help your friend!!!
Its totally understandable that your friend feels aimless right now – most women certainly wouldn’t expect someone they love to abuse them.
If he continues to contact her, and she does not want him to, she should think about applying for a restraining order (at least a temporary one). Also, make use of your local domestic violence resources – there are lots of people who will help her through every step of the way. Good luck!
Post # 14
A friend of mine is a police officer and if you request a police escort to gather your belongings a police officer can escort you, but the person refusing to let you in must allow you in, i.e. you cannot ask the cops to go with you and make him let you in unless your friend can furnish proof that they rent/own the home (mortgage statement or lease). if she does then she can go in at any time with a police escort. But be sure to explain to the police that you fear for your life.
Post # 15
I haven’t read through all the other posts, but I have done this. I asked the police to provide an escort while moving things out. They will send an officer who will just be present. This should be enough to keep the situation from getting out of hand.
Good luck! This sounds like an awful situation.
Post # 16
Agree with above – when I was little, my older stepsister was in an abusive relationship, and my step-dad called the police who escorted her over to get her stuff. It was pretty quick and painless.
So sorry for what your friend is going through. You are a good friend to help!