Almost engaged but still find myself thinking of my abusive first love… HELP!

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1625 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Haine:  It sounds like he really put you through a lot, and obviously what you went through has left a lingering affect on you. It seems like you KNOW how horrible he was, but I don’t know what else can be done! Have you talked to anyone, like a counselor or therapist about what you went through? Maybe they could help you further work through it and get a little bit of closure.

It’s not an act of love that he isn’t contacting you.. it doesnt sound like your old boyfriend even knows what that means. I wish I had better advice, but just try as much as possible to focus your love and thoughts and intentions towards your fiance, the man who deserves them!

Post # 5
Member
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I have a few thoughts on this, since I am recently married and also had a person in my past that really did a number on me, and who I still think of sometimes (though always with relief that I got away from him).

Leading up to the wedding, I had a lot of “memory lane” types of thoughts – I think this was just my mind processing the gravity of the transition into this next chapter, looking to make some kind of sense of my past in the context of the future I am entering. I thought of good and bad experiences, and truthfully, I did think of the person I mentioned above. I wondered what he was doing, and if he would find out about the wedding, or if he already knew. I also thought about other people I dated in the past, and friends, and phases of my life that are long over.

None of this ever meant I was not thrilled to be marrying my husband, and I still am. As I said above, I really think this was a healthy process, and that in my own way I was ultimately happier on my wedding day (and still am! I am thrilled. I still feel every day like I “scored” big time :)) for having mindfully taken the step of marriage with someone I fully understood was the person wanted to do this with.

The past can be very painful, but its still part of us. Feelings you remember, or that surface during this time might be upsetting, but my advice is just to let yourself feel them. Don’t do anything to hurt your fiance or your relationship, but give yourself some latitude with your *feelings*. This is a big step. Eventually, you’ll stop iterating on this past love, and leave it behind entirely for what you have with your future husband.

Post # 7
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Haine:  Perhaps I am reading too much into this, but I think that most of your struggles are to do with your “firsts” and your regret that those firsts were with douchebag and not your FI. What you need to focus on instead are all of the new firsts that you will and have had with your FI and also try to remind yourself that the person you are today is a sum of everything that has ever happened in your life. You said yourself that you and your FI met early on, but it didn’t happen for you guys. You needed to go through those years to be ready for him and be ready for the wonderful life that you have now. Try to remember that when the regret grips you. 

 

You really, REALLY need to change your mobile number. I know that it is a huge, huge hassle and not fair that you have to go through it, but for your own mental health it’s really important that you do so. ASAP, like, yesterday, make it your #1 priority. I’m sure it will make your FI feel better too, knowing that he won’t be able to send you hurtful messages. 

Post # 8
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Your still in contact with your ex and wondering why you can’t stop thinking about him? Change your phone number and cut ALL contact. That’s the only way.  Even occasional contact does it. I mean never. He’s thanking you for being his first love… No. If he won’t stop contacting you then you need to take away his ability to do so. Don’t risk hurting your FI because you start missing your ex. Trust me just don’t do it.

Post # 9
Member
4916 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Traumatic bonds are harder to break than healthy ones.  Think Stockholm Syndrome.

ITA about the no contact, that’s essential for your healing.  I also think some counseling is in order to work through the abuse issues.

Post # 12
Hostess
8680 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think it’s pretty normal to think about past romances. Thoughts of my past relationships cross my mind once in awhile, but they are just thouhts and quickly pass.

I think it’s strange that you are still in contact with your ex, it sounds like a temptation that I wouldn’t be willing to keep around.

Post # 14
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@Haine:  I think you missed my point. If you hadn’t gone through those years with your Ex, you wouldn’t be who you are today – the woman who is perfectly right for your FI. So there is nothing to regret really.

Also, I would not send that message if I were you. True revenge is to NEVER reply. Replying tells him that you still think about him and that he still affects you, no matter what you say, a reply always gives him the power. STOP giving him the power. I know that you want to just stick it in his face, but I promise you that this is not how you do it. You do it by living your amazing life and knowing that every day that he doesn’t hear from you is a knife to his ego. 

Post # 16
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Firstly, congratulations on finding the man you want to spend the rest of your life with! 

 

Secondly, I wouldn’t send that message to your ex. I’ve been in your position before and I think I can understand how you feel. I remember with my ex I always wanted a definitive ‘ending’ to our relationship. But life isn’t really like that. The only thing that really worked for me was just to stop all the drama and never contact him again. The longer that no contact goes on for, the less likely you are to think about him. Block his number from your phone, block his email address and just focus on your FI. 

 

ETA – sorry, I know you aren’t going out of your way to contact him at the moment – ‘never reply to him again’ is probably a more accurate way to put it. 

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