Post # 1
Long Story , so here goes….
My SO and I started dating in Feb. 2007, I had told myself that if a guy can’t decide if I am the “ONE” or not within a year to 2 years of dating, than I need to move on. I fell hard for my now husband. Even today he is the best guy anyone can ask for and my friends often use his name when they talk about what they want in a husband. He always thinks of me no matter where or what he is doing. He was by my side through 3 surgerys and is the best father to our 7 mo old baby. In 2007-2008 he was renting a house from his dad and had been divorced from his previous wife for about 2 years. The house he was renting was in horrible shape and in a horrible part of town and was broken into 3 times in a year. He was also working a job in which he hated and didn’t recieve alot of pay. After 1.5 years of dating I couldn’t resist my urge to shut up anymore and started mentioning marriage. I was too divorced and had a great , well paying job at the time. He said he wasn’t ready when I asked him, that he was scared he would be financially stuck and also stuck in this horrible house for awhile. for the rest of 2008 I brought it u again time after time. He did find a great career that paid well and we decided to move in/ buy a house togeather. I wasn’t really interested in buying a house before marriage but we found a deal of a lifetime on a huge house in the area where we wanted to live. Togeather we bought the house in NOV of 08′ and I immediatly felt scared since he hadn’t proposed. Early 09′ I flat out told him that a proposal was a huge deal to me and I actually said that I wouldn’t be able to get over it if he never did propose. He said he wanted to save up for a nice ring that I deserved. I told him I didn’t care if he bought a ring from target then we could save up and get the ring togeather (so I could pick it out). He refused and I once again told him he was making a big mistake and I would have a hard time.
Our families both pressured us to marry since we were living togeather and it is a sin. So on top of not being engaged, i had pressure from everyone else as well. I constantly heard the “Why Buy the Cow” saying and I started to feel even worse. After so much pressure I just decided to pick a date, I mean he DID say at one point that he wanted to marry me…. and my dream date just so happened to roll around on a saturday that year. It was a bit sooner than I wanted since my husband is an accountant, any date during tax season was a no no, this date was a day after hehe. Anyway, he agreed to the date, we picked out a ring and I went and picked it up as well as his rings and we had a wedding (a whole other story) and were married.
SO HERE IS THE PROBLEM… we are coming up on our 3 year anniversary and I have NO PROPOSAL STILL YET. We have been arguing about this since 2008. He says the same thing ” I want to get you a nice ring”,,,, umm I HAVE A NIcE RING! I just want the proposal. I truthfully felt like he didn’t want to marry me on our wedding day. He claims that 6 months into our relationship that he tried to finance a ring but was declined due to his bad credit at that time. I don’t know if I believe him. There has been big $2000+ purchases since then that says he doesn’t care about how important it means to me. I know I should be happpy with how wonderful our marriage is other than that fact, but I just can’t shake the thought on missing out on something that ment more to me than the actual wedding. This has been the only thing that we have ever argued about and I have gave him time after time to do this and my patience is running out. I don’t want to divorce because of our baby, but I am thinking about doing a legal seperation and put it all in his hands and let him decide on what he wants to do with our marriage and relationship from there. I am also trying to find ways for myself to recover so we can save this nearly perfect marriage.
Post # 3
You’re already married. Let go of the proposal and just love and take care of each other. Plan a trip, have a lingering meal together, do nice things for each other.
Post # 4
I think you need to see a counselor together & alone about how this one thing is turning your marriage around.
You are thinking about getting a legal sepperation from your husband (whom you have been married to for a while, almost three years) just so he will propose to you. He MARRIED you! That is what is important. If you feel as if he doesn’t want to be with you (or didn’t want to marry you as you mentioned) then I think you have bigger problems then him proposing to you while you are already married or legally seperated.
Also when I hear someone say “I don’t want to divorce because of our baby, but” that makes me wonder if they’re only staying because they are feeling trapped.
Also another thing that stuck out was you said you don’t know if you can believe what he told you about trying to buy a ring. If you can’t trust him (over something as silly as that) then again I would suggest working on those things rather than a proposal.
You also mentioned –> but I just can’t shake the thought on missing out on something that ment more to me than the actual wedding
You should also remember that the marriage means more than the proposol & wedding combined! I would work on the marriage first & foremost rather than worrying about him aksing you to marry him when he DID marry you (much greater than just asking!)
And I am sorry if I sound rude or harsh! I tried wording it nicely! I really hope you figure everything out! I think speaking with a counselor would do you both some good with your marriage & with your self!
Post # 5
I think your right to demand a proposal went out the window when you chose a wedding date because YOU wanted to get married. You didn’t want to wait for him to do it on his own, so the consequence is that you don’t get the traditional proposal. If it meant more to you than the wedding, you should have waited for him to do it. Whether or not this was important to you, I find it disconcerting that you would consider ending your marriage if he did not bend to your wishes and get down on one knee. You are married. There is no need for a proposal anymore.
Post # 6
I don’t understand the issue…why would he propose after you’re already married? I think you need to let go of this before the resentment seriously damages your marriage.
Post # 7
I got a ring and no formal proposal. We are happy and planning our wedding in 4 months. Be happy! YOU ARE ALREADY MARRIED 🙂
Post # 8
I don’t get why you still want a proposal when you are already married? And have been for quite sometime? It seems other things have moved along within the marriage since you now have a child together. What exactly is keeping you stuck on the proposal?
Post # 9
i can say the same thing, ended up married but without a proposal. mine was actually “im going to get you that ring” during sex – yeah, not a story to tell the family but we make fun of it/us
me: i never got a proposal
him: i bought you a ring didnt i
please try to learn to let it go, you have been married for 3yrs already – what does the words “will you marry me” really mean at this point in your lives? what are you really craving from him? if its romantic attention then some guys simply are not romantic and he puts no value on it BUT if he loves you and your child then put value in that
Post # 10
@Sweet.Sugar.Rose: Not rude or harsh at all! i appreciate your advice, it actually made me smile. Thanks!
Post # 11
First, that bold and italic text is a lot harder to read than just normal text. Just had to throw that out there.
Now on to the important thing… are you flipping serious!? You want to divorce him becaue he didnt actually propose, yet you’re married. You’re married, he obviously wanted to marry you otherwise he wouldnt have gone through with it. He probably doesnt think he has to ask you to marry him, seeing as to how you ARE married? If he proposes, what can you actually do?? You cant say NO, cause you are married, you cant actually say yes, because… well you are already married. I’m sorry, I just dont understand.
Post # 12
The point of a proposal is for someone to express that they want to marry you and make active plans. He fulfilled those plans. Why would he ask you if he already married you? That’s the point of a proposal. There’s nothing wrong with feeling nostalgic or wondering what it would have been like, or even missing that it never happened. But to miss it so much that you’d rather throw away a marriage because someone didn’t ask you a question before they decided to marry you… there’s something else going on and you should do you and your husband a favor by seeking a marriage counselor. It would be the best thing you could do for your family.
Post # 13
@etipton09: You are welcome!
I think sometimes people miss out on things like this & it keeps coming back up in their own life (by friends getting engaged, being on wedding websites, watching romance movies) seeing all of these amazing proposal stories & maybe it just makes you feel like you missed out over & over. But you can’t get that back! What you can get is an amazing future with a guy you say is super amazing! I see a win win if you just let it go & move on with your marriage & beautiful family!
If you still feel like you missed out on something talk about it. Don’t just demand it or scream or yell or even cry. Try to talk calmy with him so he doesn’t get upset either. Maybe talk about doing a small second or maybe first “honeymoon”, an exciting weekend getaway or maybe even talk about someday renewing your vows on the ten year mark or something! That can give you something amazing to look forward to (that alot of people don’t get to do) & keep you content while you make sure you don’t forget what is important, the marriage!
EDIT: Also if I may add, I adviced to do some romantic things if that is really what you crave out of your marriage. But that still will not fix the problems or bad feelings you are having. I would work on those before anything else!
Post # 14
I’m sorry, you probably aren’t getting a proposal. Honestly, it would be silly at this point.
And the fact that you are considering separating over this sucks way more than not being proposed to. You’ve got to let it go.
Post # 15
@claireos: But to miss it so much that you’d rather throw away a marriage because someone didn’t ask you a question before they decided to marry you… there’s something else going on and you should do you and your husband a favor by seeking a marriage counselor.
I agree 100%!
Post # 16
I have to agree with Mrs. Estep. Too many couples “slide” into marriage, because of pressure to conform to their family’s values, etc. It’s not a good way to start a marriage, by force from anyone.
My FI and his ex were forced into marriage by their parents, he never proposed, well, as you can see that didn’t work out and he was actually able to get the marriage annulled (religiously) under this basis.
I agree you need to seek counseling. This situation is only going to get worse…simply “letting go” of the proposal won’t fix things…hon, it’s not just about the proposal and you know it, it’s about knowing that he wants this marriage and hopefully making you feel like it’s something you both wanted, seeing him ask for it. That’s not something you can force…and at this point doesn’t even make sense.
The only way I can see this panning out is if you guys get some help…explain all these feelings, decide if you even want to move forward with this marriage….if he won’t propose a private renewal of vows by your next anniversarry, I’d cut my loses, this guy may not be ready for marriage.